Have you adopted a child from another ethnicity?

[Choccyjules]

I'd love to hear from MNers who have personal experience of adopting a child who doesn't share their ethnicity.

DH and I are currently thinking seriously about two possible matches and neither child is from our 'racial grouping' or whatever the current term is. I have looked on the interweb and overwhelmingly find negative reports, studies, opinions that despite the government loosening the rules on this, it's not good for the children in the long-term. I have also found an article in the Daily Fail from 2011 written by a black adoptee of white parents who disagrees with this majority (at least in the written media) opinion.

Our precise questions at the moment are:

Does being the only person in a family of four who is clearly from a different ethnicity always mean emotional and or self-esteem issues growing-up?

Does the fact that it will always be obvious wherever we go that we are not the usual 'family unit' actually matter? Ie it can't be 'hidden' that a child is adopted, even for a few hours. Not that we would be hiding it but we have been told we would never be anonymous, in the crowd, so to speak. How does that affect the AC?

Anything anyone can add would be most useful and please PM if you'd rather.

Our SW says that with good post-adoption work and parenting in a way which addresses issues and works with boosting the child's self-esteem, it shouldn't be a problem. She is from an ethnic minority so we feel she has extra life experience herself to draw from and she hasn't steered us away from this.

We are aware our DD will need extra preparation, she is fairly young and feeling her way through issues of race herself, though fortunately for her own life experience, she has grown up in a very diverse local area. We are also aware this adds an extra element to her childhood, ie she may encounter racism directed at her new sibling or the family and have to deal with it.

Wow, long post. Sorry folks.

[KumquatMay]

I don'y have personal experience but can share from an outside perspective of friends of mine. I know a family who consist of:

• A Italian-Amerian Mother
  
• A white American Father
  
• An adopted daughter of Chinese origin
  
• An adopted daughter of Korean origin
  
• Two bio Italian-American daughters
  

Obviously they are well aware that their adoption is evident (they are grown-ups now) but the sisterly and family bond that exists between them is totally uninhibited by skin colour and ethnic origin. I think one of the adopted girls may have had more of a desire to explore her origins than the other, but from what I have observed there has not been fall-out or significant issues. The adopted girls are very open about their Asian heritage and the ethnic make-up of their family is often a source of much amusement and humour for them all. But there is no doubt that they are a family unit and I'd say without a doubt that their primary identity comes from being a family rather than their ethnic origin.

I know it's very vague but hope it helps!

[Thefishewife]

I think you have to think about a lot


It means everyone you ever meet will know baby is adopted it means no anoimity.


It will certainly mean your restricted to areas were you can live now and in the future

And It ay certainly mean certain UKIP leaning uncles or friends may have to get the heave ho


And in particular how will you keep the child in the cultural loop with out it being contrived

Do you know how to take care of the child's hair / skin because by not able to carry out these basic things not only will they have to deal with out side rasicim you risk them being ostrisised and riculded by people who look the same as them


And do you have a diverse family and how cultured are they


I have a half sister who I mixed raced she was brought up by her mum who went on to marry a white guy his sister always used to introduce my sister like this

This is Clare Sharon's black daughter (shock) I am glad KumquatMay children don't have many issues however they were in a cross cultural relationship before they adopted and I do think if your whole family is already diverse it is different and KumquatMay daughters may not have settled so well if both her and her partners family were all white.
My sister really struggled with being the only child in her family that wasn't white and their actually was a burns incident with white sprit were she had tried to scrub the brown off when she was 9 she was in hospital for two weeks.

In her world being brown ment being the odd one out not pretty.

[64x32x24]

I don't think that everywhere you go, everybody would automatically assume 'adoption'. For instance if just you and AC go somewhere, people might more readily assume that your DH is of the other ethnicity. If you, AC and BC go somewhere, people might assume that the children don't have the same dad. If you go somewhere the four of you, people might assume some sort of patchwork constellation.
If you feel comfortable with these assumptions being made, there would be no need to correct them.
But the point remains that people would always be making assumptions.

(And the other valid points made by PP)

Have you asked your SW why in particular she thinks you'd be able to do this well, over an 'average' adopter for whom it purportedly would be too much of a challenge? That may provide some further clarity.

[Kewcumber]

My DS is a transracial adoptee who is now 8.

What makes things easier for us...

1. just him and me so mostly strangers assume I have an Asian partner or ex-partner rather than that he s adopted so he gets a degree of privacy than other transracial adoptees don't get. I know my SW said there had been some questionnaires done of intercountry adoptees (who are predominantly transracial) who say they never entirely feel comfortable out as a family as it is obvious they are adopted.
   
2. we live in a very mixed race area - not one particular race, I mean really really mixed race. Ds's class has or had - Japanese, Sudanese, Korean, Serbian, white european, black british etc etc. DS does not stand out in any way as out of the ordinary - I think this is very important as adopted children deal with enough that is "different".
   
   What is difficult:
   
   
3. You can try all you like (and should) to keep your child in touch with their heritage but you can't because you don't understand it from the inside. Obviously you need to try but ultimately you won't succeed and this will matter more to some children than others and you won't know in advance which group your child falls into.
   
   
4. DS is conscious that his skin is darker and his eyes are different and this does case a problem with people we don;t know and have come across casual bullying in various parks and playgrounds across the country.
   
   Read critically the objections of adult transracial adoptees - not because their objections are not well founded, obviously they feel how they feel but you need to bear in mind the changes in adoption practices generally. It wouldn't have been uncommon up into the 80's for parents to be effectively told to forget the children are adopted/a different race and just plough on ignoring this. Dreadful advice which I'm sure resulted in a lot of confused children and clueless parents.
   
   You also need to feel comfortable that the SW has looked for a more ethnically appropriate match and given this enough time (without taking too long of course!) because I think it is undoubtedly better for a child to be adopted within their approximate ethnic group but ultimately a loving family who can tackle the difficulties with sensitivity is always going to be a better option than foster care which isn't a good long term solution for most small children. Many Children will be in the care of white foster carers anyway so you're not moving them into a worse situation (if I can put it that way) but you are cementing that slightly below ideal situation into permanency.
   
   The only other comment I would make is that I naively thought I was adopting a child of a different race when in fact without thinking it through I was actually becoming a mixed race family It's hard to articulate the difference exactly but its a very weird feeling when you are born and live in a white middle class majority and suddenly become mixed race. Learning to deal with racism has been a real eye opener for me and not one that I have any personal experience to call on.

[Kewcumber]

Sorry that turned into a bit of an essay.

There are some positive and sensible studies done in Canada - Paediatric institute or something which looked at modern adoptions transracially and concluded that oputcomes were equally good regardless of ethnicity of adopters/adoptees provided there was good practice put in place.

I'll see if I can find it because it did have a really good checklist of things to think about.

[Kewcumber]

I think this is a pretty good summary with some nice recommendations based on relatively recent studies www.cps.ca/documents/position/adoption-transracial

[bearwithspecs]

I could write an essay on this subject! I am a white adoptee of white parents but look nothing like them or my siblings and my personality is poles apart. I stuck out like a sore thumb. All my life i have been asked why i look nothing like my family. I have a great friend who is black, adopted by white middle class parents - she would not change it for the world. It is so obvious that she was adopted that no one asks, they just accept. I have mixed race friends with mixed race adopted kids - they all look similar so they don't get questions but do get assumptions that they had the children as babies and not as children with very dreadful backgrounds ... So their developmental delays are blamed on the adopted parents. I have several friends whose adopted children look similar to them - but they end up telling everyone they are adopted for loads of reasons.
I honestly think it's the love that you give the child that matters.

[Devora]

I am white and my adopted dd is mixed white/black Caribbean. I don't think it counts as a transracial adoption because my dp is black Caribbean, but as our other dd is white, and we are a lesbian couple, we certainly don't pass as a 'normal' family. dd1, in particular, sometimes struggles with having to constantly explain how she and her sister can in fact be sisters.

I agree with everything kew says. And would add that you will be able to find black children who were raised by white parents and have no issues with it. And you will be able to find transracially adopted children who have a huge number of problems with it. However you prepare, however well you parent, this clearly has the potential to become an issue for a child struggling with disrupted identity.

That doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do. But do prepare for it to be an issue. My adopted dd has really struggled at times with not having blonde hair and white skin, and not looking like me. This despite her having another mother who has the same colouring at her, and indeed loads of cousins and relatives (on both sides) who are also mixed race. At one point it became clear that she believed she was adopted BECAUSE she had brown skin

I particularly like kew's point that you become a mixed race family. That is absolutely right. You have to be ready to embrace this, and you have to be prepared to talk openly and easily about these issues with your child (so many parents maintain a queasy silence on race, telling themselves that their children are colour-blind and haven't noticed that different races exist). And yes, you have to learn about hair, though you'll find that black women (in the park, in the shop, on the street) will soon start telling you if you're doing it wrong

[Kewcumber]

Oh God Devora - the "children are colour blind" brigade - I forgot about that. No they bloody aren't! In fact not only are the little devils not colour blind but they are also very good at parotting whatever racist Uncle Jimmy spouts over Christmas lunch back at your child in the playground.

[Italiangreyhound]

Sorry have not got personal experience of adopting a child who doesn't share our ethnicity, but we considered a child of mixed heritage, and a partly different religious background to ours. I had begin to explore how we would 'handle' her needs (as well as making sure social workers knew we could handle them) when we were matched with our white son! We just knew the match was right and it was nothing to do with gender or ethnicity. I feel through this process I did learn that it was about the right child rather than looking for specific 'characteristics' but I do think you are totally right to consider and research this.

I think the fact we had come to domestic adoption through an initial route of possible overseas (China) adoption made it easier for me to think about adopting a child who was a different ethnicity to me and the rest of the family. I think the fact I had had a number of non-white boyfriends in the past also meant I had explored some of these 'issues' already.

I think ultimately I would say the child must be the right child for you, if they are and if you can embrace their ethnicity/heritage and do your best to bring them up with an awareness and love of the culture they come from, then this is good (but this is just my humble opinion and not based on any evidence!). I do know of people who adopted from overseas (e.g. Romania a long time ago) where the children look white British and parents might have wanted to keep a cultural heritage alive but kids did not want it. It is, I guess, not easy, and adds another layer of things to do into adoption. But I do feel from our own experience of considering children that if this really is the right child for you, and if you are aware of issues and willing to tackle them, then you can make it work.

I do feel sad sometimes and wonder where that little girl went, she was so lovely I am confident she had many couples interested and I am sure social workers would have found a couple better suited to her needs.

But part of this process is not knowing about the others once you become attached to s specific child.

I did have to think how she would cope in our local area - we live in quite a rural setting but we still have several children of different ethnicites and lots of mixed heritage children at our local school. I guess when we went though the process I did not want to turn a child 'down' on this basis but the simple fact is you must be able to meet their needs generally, and if they are not adopted at all they would be with predominantly white foster cares which would not be better for them. Just my humble opinion!

[SmokyHeart]

Ethnicity is only one part of a child that is relevant to the matching process. I think your social worker wouldn't have suggested these possible matches to you if she didn't think you were appropriate.

I agree with what Kew and Devora said about it will mean you becoming a mixed race family. There are lots of mixed race families these days, so it may or may not be a big deal. It will change how you think of your own identity, as you will have to deal with racism and teach your DC to deal with it too. There's some interesting work in the States by Jon Raible about the white siblings of black adopted children and how (for some at least) it changed their perceptions of being white. He himself is a black adoptee of a white family and his attitude to adoption might be upsetting/annoying to some but it's interesting to read. (Though you also have to bear in mind that experiences of race are different in the US).

As mentioned above there may be issues around e.g. hair but they are easily dealt with by only going to hairdressers who are used to Afro hair (if relevant), and asking a friend/mn about other issues (e.g. if keloids are an issue). So that's not a big deal.

You will need to be able to bring DC up in a way that boosts their self-esteem, as your SW put it. Will they have appropriate ethnic role models in their life and are you able to do this appropriately. Thinking about your local schools, are there any that you think would be better for children from a mixed-race family (and does this affect decisions you are making for your DD about her schooling now). Your SW obviously thinks you can do this and you might like to chat with her about why and what advice she has for you.

You might also be interested at some point to read about the development of children's ethnic identity. I'll see if I can dig some links up in the morning (feel free to PM me if I forget).

I should add that I have not yet adopted but have some other experience that is relevant to your question.

[SmokyHeart]

If you're interested, you can read about John Raible's research on his website johnraible.wordpress.com/

[SmokyHeart]

There's a really nice blog called Mixed Race Families that is not about adoption, but has some great articles about events/films/what it's like growing up in a mixed race family etc and some useful resources too: mixedracefamilies.blogspot.com/. If you go ahead, you might enjoy reading it.

[CloserThanYesterday]

For what it's worth, my sister has two mixed raced children. They're not adopted, but have different Dads from different races, and neither see a great deal of Dad. Sis then married someone of a different race to either of the kids, so plenty to potentially be worried about!

They are a great and happy family, and it's all been dealt with by creating a family environment where they are open and respond when the kids showed an interest in the other side of their heritage. The eldest is nearly all grown up now, and has (and has always had) a lot of mixed race friends. Sure he's got a lot of his understanding from these relationships. Youngest hasn't been bothered yet, beyond listening to eldest talk about being 'a mixey' and asking 'sooo...what kind of a mix am I again??'

I do know that eldest has valued the avenues of communication being open with Dad's side of the family. No siblings, but lots of cousins, and while they don't have a lot of contact it's definitely been a good thing to see them. Something to consider if there are siblings involved.

I know it's different as my sister obviously is their birth mum - really conscious of sounding like I think your situation would be the same when I know that adoption brings it's own issues seperately. But thought it was worth a mention!

[Thefishewife]

Hi smokey hart I will have to say I disagree with your post you talk abouts air being a easy thing to resolve yet there are hundreds of posts on the matter people not knowing what to do
And going to the hairdressers as is not really a long term solution to the hair "problem" but that fact that you have wrote that I feel demonstrates how important things can be missed in transracial placements

Hair is a massive deal with in the black Caribbean and African culture it's almost a right of passage to get your hair Cain rowed on a Sunday it's a vey intermit thing that's usually passed down between mother a daughter or done between sisters two women have only ever Cain rowed my hair my and my sister the love is in the doing of the hair

And I have noticed lots of sw now asking a bout how adopters would manage hair with out the aid of a hairdresser
And I don't think you don't really realise hair is a huge deal for black women
The lady who was in 12 years a slave wrote a lovey piece on this a few weeks back.


Not sure you caught the back lash Beyoncé and j z got over their child's hair there was actually a champaign hair is a very emotional thing for many black women and men

[Kewcumber]

Before we get too sidetracked down the hair discussion - can I just point out that Afro-carribean is not the only alternative race to white European! I have no problems whatsoever with my central Asian/mixed heritage sons hair! We don't know that OP is talking about Afro-Caribbean potential matches.

[Thefishewife]

Hi kew thanks for pointing out and it's important that was said but I was only responding to a point made by smokey we could replace hair with language when talking about a polish child or a Asian by

When we were fostering I new a fellow foster carer who fostered a polish girl who didn't speak a word of English when she by the time she was eventually adopted she only spoke Nigerian and English which is what the foster carer sopke despite their best efforts to keep her links with the girls roots

Some times as adopters / foster carers we give so much but we also can take a lot a way

[Italiangreyhound]

One thing we had to think about when considering adoption of an Asian child from Asia was food. This would have been a child from China, born and brought up in China. For these children I was told food was a real issue, that the children really experience a sense of needing the food they are used to having lived in Asia I know how important food is! (Yes, I know it is important to everyone but I wonder if culturally some people experience more of a connection with their food and their stomachs). The Chinese seem to connect the stomach with emotions in the way we do the heart, probably more realistic as we all know how feeling hungry or over full can make us feel!

Having said this we are not talking about transracial adoption from another country so the child is already in the UK and may well be with a white British foster family.

I think the other thing to consider is that realistically many children of mixed heritage in the care system in the UK will not necessarily have the chance to be adopted into families that reflect their cultural heritage. There may be some mixes that just are not represented by the prospective adopters. We are not just talking about children connected to one African or Asian or Middle eastern country. There may be a real mixture of countries and they will never get parents who reflect that mixture.

So a sensitive and well-informed and well-prepared adopter/couple from any cultural background may be able to give the child what they need to feel proud of their cultural heritage and happy with themselves and the cultures that make up their background and may well be the child's best option.

[Choccyjules]

Everyone, as usual you are all fabulous and so kind to share. I am going to take time to read through carefully but wanted to say thanks for now!

[SmokyHeart]

Fishewife, I'm sorry I did not mean to cause offence. I meant that people can learn about these things if it's relevant to them as there is a lot of information these days. I didn't mean leave everything to the hairdresser! This may or may not be relevant to Choccy...

[Thefishewife]

Smokey hart.

No offence taken I did disagree but I think it's important everyone has their chance to have a say even if we didn't agree

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

I was adopted in 1980 by my white English Mum and black African dad. I am mixed race but a different mix-up, I also have an adopted brother and sister who are different ethnicities again.

We all just got along with it really, everyone knew that we were adopted I guess as we looked pretty different. We were brought up Christian even though my Dad was/is Muslim, not that either parent attended places of worship.

My mum had no idea about taking care of part Afro hair, she used to take clippers to it every 6 weeks or so as she said I complained when she tried to comb it this was till I was 14 or so!

I did end up tracing my natural parents. My mother anyway, also white English. We never met but i read my records from when she gave me up and it was very much a case of 'bringing up a brown baby on her own will be tricky!'. She went on to have 3 white sons about 2 years later, one of whom I meet up with regularly, including tomorrow!

Good luck making the right call for you OP, even if you had natural children you wouldn't necessarily get carbon copies of yourself or your partner. I have 2 blond haired, blue eyed sons now, all their DNA seems to have come straight from DH. I was often asked if I was the nanny when out with them as babies, or doing school pickup.

But I knew my Mum was Mummy and so would yours after a period of settling time.

[Kewcumber]

fishewife - I did understand your point and I felt it was a fair one to make - just wanted to point out that different race does not automatically mean afrocaribbean which seems to be the default assumption!

It would amuse me no end to discuss whether its a racist assumption but I suspect it may make my head explode!

[Choccyjules]

I've almost posted the races I'm talking about (and mine) to help steer people but feel it would be too identifying, knowing SWs come on here too. This is where I can ask questions and get relevant, thoughtful help and I don't want to have to stop.
Thanks for the ongoing help. I have thought of nothing else all day, frankly. (Not just the ethnicity question, the whole matching stuff) My colleagues certainly didn't get much of me today, though I was physically present!

[Kewcumber]

Oh please say that you are Afro-Caribbean and the child in question is white european because that would actually really give me a giggle!

If you want to PM me at all feel free though I'm not sure how much my experiences might help but they are more recent than most and I'm in the neitehr pro not anti camp but case by case.