newborn adoption

(634 Posts)
BrightSunshineyDay Sun 08-Jun-14 06:22:31

I gave birth yesterday and immediately relinquished responsibility. I have so much going round in my head right now that I hope no-one minds if I blurt it out here.
I will be speaking with social workers tomorrow so I want to think of as many questions as possible. I know without a doubt I am doing the right thing. He will go to a foster family for a few weeks until new parents are found (I was in denial about the pregnancy until only a couple ofdays ago)
How quickly will he be found a new family? Will the new family be in my local area? Should I write him a letter explaining my life circumstances and his birth story? Should I get him a keepsake? Is letterbox contact the best thing for him and his new family? Thats all I want. What is best for him. I want to do whatever is best so he can grow up not feeling abandoned or deserted. I want him to know I love him but I want him to have the best life possible.
Please tell me there are parents/a parent out there who are just about to receive into their life the most perfect beautiful boy, and they will be kind and loving and settled.
Sorry for the brain dump - I've been awake for hours and this is all going round in my head.

Hello, didn't want to read and run.

If you're sure of your decision, then I see no benefit in questioning it.

The relinquishing of your child to others will impact you harder than you might imagine, and the hormonal changes over the coming days and weeks will affect you massively. I hope you have some RL support and someone who will listen to you whenever you need them to, meanwhile there is always someone here.

There are many lovely people out there desperate to become parents and I'm sure that if/when the adoption goes through, your gorgeous boy will be so treasured.

You will have wiser people than me come along to advise about keepsakes and appropriate contact but letters explaining your decision and your love for your child will be priceless when they are older and asking questions.

I hope you can get some rest and find peace in your heart and head. I will be thinking of you today flowers

Zara8 Sun 08-Jun-14 07:11:15

You will have changed the lives of two people who will be forever grateful to you. You have done an amazing thing even though i know it must be so hard for you (even though you know it was the right decision for you).

Have no words of wisdom to add, really - but please make sure you are well looked after. There are lots of chemicals in the body and hormones that go a bit bonkers in the first week! Don't think that because you don't have the baby with you that means you don't need lots of care and attention, IYSWIM

Take care OP xx

HappySunflower Sun 08-Jun-14 07:33:20

Hello there.
Its hard to say how quickly he will be found a family.
What I can tell you is that newborns are generally easier to place than older children, especially if there are no known medical issues to be considered.
The process to adopt is a rigorous and thorough one. It took me several years of interviews, checks and interrogation into each part of my life before I was approved and not very long after that until my daughter was placed with me.
The day my daughter was placed into my arms was the single most incredible day of my life. The circumstances around her adoption were quite complex, but I will always feel a sense of warmth and connection towards her birth mother, for it is she who brought her, this most precious gift to me, into this world.
Letters, information and keepsakes will be very important to your son later on, so I would say a huge 'yes' to your question about those things. Do write to him, tell him you love him, and explain why you've made this decision. It might not seem to matter to him right now, but, I promise you, that letter will be of great significance to him later in life.
If you have any photographs of yourself that you feel able to share, including one of you as a baby, that would be a nice thing to pass on. Adopted children often wonder who they look like as they grow up so that would be a lovely thing to have.
Please make sure that you get the support and help that you need-there is counselling available for birth parents, so that would be worth looking into.

BrightSunshineyDay Sun 08-Jun-14 07:47:32

Thankyou so much for your replies. In tears again.
I took some photos of him at just a few hours old so he will have them. I'm going to hopefully visit him tomorrow - should I take one of me and him for him to keep or would that be inappropriate?
Also, in the letter do I mention that he has older siblings? I gave him his first feed-I had no formula and it felt like a small thing I could do for him. Do I tell him little things like that? Sorry if these seem like silly questions.
I have very good support so far from hv, mw and ss and also a very good friend. No-one else knows.
What sort of keepsake would be appropriate?
Thankyou all again.

JaneParker Sun 08-Jun-14 07:50:03

I don't think anyone who has given birth is in a fit state to consider adoption. Wait at least 6 months.

Good luck whatever you decide. Don't rush into anything.

MonserratCaballe Sun 08-Jun-14 07:55:38

Dear BSD, if you were in denial about your pregnancy until a few days ago, I would hold fire on making such a decision for a few weeks. As well as the usual post birth hormonal changes you have had so much to get your head round about the pregnancy. Take it easy and be kind to yourself. There is no rush to make a decision.

Best wishes

youwish Sun 08-Jun-14 08:00:56

Yes,wait a bit,don't rush into a decision like this,you could regret it for the rest of your life.wait,think about it for a bit longer.hope all the best for you and the baby.

BrightSunshineyDay Sun 08-Jun-14 08:04:55

Thankyou for your replies. The sw explained I will have time to change my mind and would recieve support. But I am highly doubtful I will due to various aspects of my situation. I just want him to know he was loved and thatthis is the best thing for him. I want him to be part of a loving family as soon as possible and to be treated well and taken of.

BrightSunshineyDay Sun 08-Jun-14 08:05:28

*care

JaneParker Sun 08-Jun-14 08:06:41

Adopted children often do very well so I would not worry about that. I suspect most mothers would prefer to keep their child. Could the father have the child or your parents or your siblings though instead of foster carers. Most families have a large range of extended family who could help and take a child in.

rideyourbike Sun 08-Jun-14 08:07:07

Bless you. Xx your baby will have a family lined up soon, social workers will find many families to choose from. Do have some photos taken of you and him, keep some for yourself, it will mean so much to you both in the future. Write him a letter if you feel you can, again it will show your love, and remember one day this little soul may try and find you. Sending hugs x

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 08-Jun-14 08:07:15

Firstly, congratulations. Even in these circumstances you deserve that for having given birth to wonderful little person.

You won't be allowed to make a permanent decision to relinquish your child until some time long after birth (sorry, I forget the timescale, but it's weeks not days). For very good reasons - as you know now, post-birth hormones do make your head whirl.

If you are adamant that relinquishing is the right thing for you both, I can't guarantee that they will have a totally wonderful life with adoptive parents, but I can say that he will have parents who have been through a long and testing process and who really really want to be parents. That's a pretty good start.

Do take as many photos etc as possible. These are hugely important links to who he is. It might be years and years before he appreciates them, but he almost certainly will. The SW should help you write a letter to him, but do put as much detail as you can about where he comes from. This will be appreciated by him and his adoptive parents in years to come.

Finally, do look after yourself. Come and post here ( there are a few other birth parents on the board who will know something of what you are going through) but please make sure you have proper RL support too. flowers

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 08-Jun-14 08:13:13

Ps - BAAF has information on relinquishing that might be helpful. Some SW will provide this free of charge too

BrightSunshineyDay Sun 08-Jun-14 08:29:55

The sw said the average timescale until the point of no return is 3 months. Sadly there is no family that could have him.
I know my hormones and feelings will be up and down for a while yet. I also feel I know deep down that this is the right decision.
I will definitely make sure I access as much help and support as possible.

BrightSunshineyDay Sun 08-Jun-14 08:35:18

Thanks for the link. Just had a scan through the link. I am legally married though have lived apart for a year. Did I read that correctly that my h will need to be informed?

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 08-Jun-14 08:58:28

Yes, Bright, the baby's father has a legal right to consent / object to the adoption (I think the judge granting the order to allow the baby to be placed for adoption has to be satisfied this has happened or that all reasonable attempts to contact the father have been made)

Hels20 Sun 08-Jun-14 09:04:45

BSD - please go slowly and look after yourself. Yes yes yes - take photos of him with you, maybe ensure his wrist band from hospital is kept, maybe buy a special blanket or small teddy.

Your husband - whether he is the father or not - will be assumed the father and so will have PR. He will need to be informed and give the consent to the adoption (unless SS judge him incapable of looking after your little boy). If he is not the father - then I think you will have to tell SS who the father is.

Write down your emotions. Maybe write a letter explaining your decision so that you can give it to him if he ever comes looking for you. Keep a diary or something - so so hard for you. Hope you have all the support.

xx

BrightSunshineyDay Sun 08-Jun-14 09:07:56

H is in hospital. He was sectioned a year ago but is now there voluntarily. The sw said I didn't have to tell her the fathers name but to be fair to them maybe they were just going to leave it for a few more days before talking about to me about it again.

BrightSunshineyDay Sun 08-Jun-14 09:08:58

Sorry, to clarify, h is not the father.

64x32x24 Sun 08-Jun-14 09:16:30

Hello, congratulations on giving birth to a beautiful baby! And I am so sorry that you find yourself in a situation where relinquishing the baby seems the best option.

Regarding timescales, if you want things to move on as quickly as possible, it is important that you tell your SW everything, such as being married/separated. If you don't tell them now, it is bound to cause delays later.

Take care of yourself.

Hels20 Sun 08-Jun-14 09:19:54

You could refuse to tell SS who the father is. I think they would press you but you could refuse. If you don't know who the father is - then tell SS.

Remember, this will all go in the Child's Permanence Report - which your son will be able to access when he is 18. If you do know who the father is, please, strongly consider telling SS as I do think your son has a right to know. Is there any chance the birth father might take on the custody of the child? If there is a chance, please consider sharing what information you do have.

Adoption is an amazing thing - but time and time again the courts say (and psychiatrists) that, if the parents are capable of properly looking after the child, the child should be raised by birth parents. So, if you are unable to look after your son, then please consider whether his birth father might be able to.

Thinking of you. You must be in emotional turmoil. There are other birth parents on this board - including some who have given up their child. Take care.

BrightSunshineyDay Sun 08-Jun-14 09:26:46

I have told the sw I know who the father is but haven't been pressed for a name. I really do not believe he is an appropriate person to raise a child but i realise i am not neutral nor do i think he would do it. The odd visit yes but not full responsibility. I have told the sw all my history, my current circumstances - I'm not keeping anything from them.

Hels20 Sun 08-Jun-14 10:06:51

Then I think you have done all you can. I am almost certain that SS will get in contact with the birth father and they will see if he wants your son and if he does, then SS will assess his suitability.

fasparent Sun 08-Jun-14 10:07:35

Very sorry for your situation at this very emotional time, have met mum's in similar situations, Nothing will be done in haste , you will be given time too consider your feelings and final choices, also other options
and support available too you , this may take many weeks or month's , all other options will be looked at too. Fathers view's and both family's situations and support that could be available within. They would require fathers consent for adoption.
What ever the outcome all have too be certain that the child's future life
will be positive.
Please take time know it's emotional for you, note you do admit too a maternal bonding and love by your post, It's about you and your child's future and happiness .
Be thinking of you wish you well

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