Adopting after death of a birth child

(7 Posts)
ac73 Wed 04-Jun-14 18:42:30

Hello, just wondered if anyone has any experience of this which they could share. Our little boy died nine years ago. Happy for you to pm me. Thank you.

stinkypants Wed 04-Jun-14 20:24:06

Sorry to hear that- can't begin to imagine. No personal experience if it but just wanted to offer encouraging words. I think it would be a wonderful thing to do. And 9years is a long time in which I am sure you will have gone through a long and hard grieving process. As a teacher I have worked with lots of adopted children and seen amazing families evolve. These children have often been abused or neglected and just need a loving home. They then begin to thrive and somehow the damage from their past is minimised.

MerryInthechelseahotel Wed 04-Jun-14 21:39:30

So sorry to hear about your little boy thanks I had a little boy who was stillborn so can imagine your pain and sadness. Good luck with your plans and hope they work for you.

ac73 no advice but just wanted to say how very sorry am about your little boy.

KristinaM Sat 07-Jun-14 19:31:02

Hi AC

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. We have lost a child after adopting .

As you probably know , adopting in your particular circumstances is unusual, because of course the death of a child is mercifully a rare occurrence . But in fact nearly everyone involved in the adoption triangle -child, birth parents and adoptive parents -comes to it from a point of loss.

You don't need much imagination to understand the terrible losses suffered by the child and the birth parents . And most adopters have also , like you, faced grief and loss.

Many have been through a long journey of infertility and have had to accept that they will probably never have a child born to them. Other have lost children through multiple miscarriages or still births.

All adopters lose the right to many things that other parents take for granted. To chose their child's genetic heritage, the circumstances of their conception, pre natal care, place of birth, etc. most will lose the first month s or years of their child's life

You have lost your child's future , they have lost their child's past .

So it seems to me that you have a great deal in common with others involved in adoption. This could be a huge strength to you, although of course it also has weaknesses.

Becoming parents to another child will bring up many issues for you, as it does for everyone . You will be struck by how very similar and very different this new child is. Grief and perhaps anxiety will come up and grab you in the most unexpected ways. You will need support to deal with these things as they arise

OTOH you know about grief and how to survive it . You can have huge empathy for the loss your child has and will experience . You know that your child has to live and work through it, you won't be tempted to push it away. Youcan feel compassion for his /her birth parents and behave accordingly .

You have a strong marriage. I know that's the case Because you are not in the 50% of couples who split up after the death of a child. You are still together 9 years later . An adopted child needs that security and strength .

Adoption is very tough but the rewards can be very great.it needs survivors like you. People on this board , as well as those in RL, will support you as you take your first steps.

Can I ask where you are in your adoption journey ? Have you approached any agencies yet ?

Greythorne Sat 07-Jun-14 19:32:52

Great post, KristinaM

ac73 Sat 07-Jun-14 19:55:43

Absolutely, an amazing post Kristina M. Thank you. So sorry to hear of your loss too.

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