Matching Saga and a half

[Barbadosgirl]

Sorry to tax you lovely ladies with yet another query but you have been so helpful so far. We have found ourselves in a situation where we are considering three potential links- a five month old, a 13 month old and a 15 month old (who has a one month old sibling who they also want to place with us but I don't know what the plan is yet).

I have been through the CPRs several times, requested lots of further info and we have meetings with all three sws next week. With two of them the issues are near identical and with the other they are slightly more complex but very similar.

We have always wanted a young baby if possible to get as many of those firsts as poss but recognise that with that comes more developmental uncertainty.

Our sw seems to think all of these sws are very keen and I have no idea how on earth we are going to choose if it comes to it! I suppose what I am asking is, those of you that have been through this, what did you look for when being matched? Is there any info you wish you had asked for at the time? Also, for those of you with younger children or babies, what sorts of things would we miss if we became parents to a 13/15 month over a five month baby? I'm sorry if it sounds like I man asking you to make the decision for us, my head is spinning!

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

I have no direct experience of your dilemma as we were placed with siblings aged 8 and 2.5. But a few comments anyway.

1. In the grand scheme of things I really don't think you're missing much between 5 months and 15 months. My DD2 was a big baby still at 2.5. What you are missing is 10months worth of nappy changes.
   We missed a lot of firsts with DD2, but they pale into insignificance compared to what we missed for DD1.
   
   
2. As well as their medical and developmental issues, consider whether you can handle the 'back story', and whether differing levels of contact are being proposed and what you think would suit you / your family.
   
   
3. Consider location of birth family - are any of them a bit too close for comfort?
   
   
4. Is the placing LA the same as your assessing one for all of them? having them the same should help with 'joined up' support etc.
   
   
5. If all else fails, toss a coin (yes really) (or in your case throw a dice, 2 numbers per child). See how you feel when the result comes up. Pleased? Worried? Disappointed? Then go with your gut feel, not with the dice result.
   
   Don't try to make a choice until the SWs have all been to see you. Hope the visits go well. Are they just visiting you, or visiting others as well? (We were the 'other couple' twice).

[Barbadosgirl]

Sharon, please can you explain why you think this is an appropriate place to post this? Nobody is going to vote and I am one of many who have reported you.

[Devora]

Hi Barbadosgirl, things you will get with the 5 month old: first crawl, first walk, first words, more broken nights, more nappies, being able to carry your baby in a sling, more developmental uncertainty.

How to decide? I have no idea since we were never given this much choice! But I will say that you shouldn't feel guilty for thinking of all those 'firsts' you will get with a younger baby - it's a big part of what we get from parenthood. On the other hand, a few months younger is going to be a small fraction of the time you spend parenting this child. If you imagined all the children were the same age, would that make a difference to your ease of choice?

[Devora]

Oh and yeah, jeff off Sharon. As I seem to be saying on multiple threads.

[Barbadosgirl]

Thank you so much, guys. One is a competitive link and the others are not. There are similarities with issues/backgrounds. We have a full list of questions and are going to see what comes out of the meetings.

[KristinaM]

I'd consider what issues will matter in 10 years .

[64x32x24]

There was a programme on iTV last night, 'the secret life of babies', would be an opportunity to get an easy insight into some of the things that happen between 0 and 24 months. Though the programme doesn't cover attachment at all, unfortunately.

[Nonnimouse]

I wouldn't say you miss too much between 5 and 18 months -actually 18 month olds are great fun, one of my favourite ages :)
The only thing I would consider about the ages is that a 5 month old is largely immobile (may not even be crawling yet) and an 18 month old may well be mobile enough to be getting into everything. With the younger age, 1) you get to slowly adjust to the changes and baby proofing needs, rather than having a tiny whirlwind arrive one day and 2) People tend to be more physical with smaller babies... More carrying and holding them, rocking to sleep etc and less "power struggles" whereas a toddler may be in the phase where they are trying to be more independent and "challenge" you a bit more. With the 5 month old you may be in a situation that facilitates bonding better, just by doing the physical care you need to do for such a young baby -with an 18 month old you may need to be more "aware" of it and make sure you do those things.
But that's not so say that I think the younger one would be better or easier to attach, like I said I personally love toddlers. :)

[sugar21]

I would agree with Nonnimouse. Bonding is easier with a 5 month old. I am pleased for you that you have choices. Just would like to say to any other hopefuls on here. I was adopted when I was 9 (long story) and I never really bonded with my "Parents". Still have problems now I'm 33. I'm desperately looking for my birth parents. So yeah the younger the better

[Barbadosgirl]

Thank you all again for taking the time to comment on this discussion. We have today been linked with the six month old blue and are over the moon xxx

[RhinosAreFatUnicorns]

Congratulations :)

[bberry]

Fabulous!!!

[Devora]

Congratulations, what brilliant news

[64x32x24]

Congratulations!

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Yey!!