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Feeling Wobbly

(22 Posts)
ShootingStarsinthesky Sat 24-May-14 15:11:55

We r currently in the process of 'bridging' having been matched with a 3 yr old child. She is in need of constant attention and after coming back home from FF I am having a real wobble about if we r doing the right thing. Will constant attention seeking drive me mad!! We do not have any other children. My DH is very excited about whole thing and even said he thought he loved her a bit already whilst I was thinking I'm not sure I can cope with this at all. FF are due to come to us tomorrow and handover early next week. Help!!! Has anyone else felt like this please???

bberry Sat 24-May-14 15:41:41

I can't really help other than to say I think you need to talk to your hubby about your feelings, and probably your sw.... You need to be honest with yourself but it's difficult at such an emotional time...

I am in the early stages of having my new son home and this has crossed my mind already, but I am feeling love so that makes it easier.

I will have a think and I am hopeful others will come on and tell you it is all normal. How about writing down some thoughts about her, your good points for her and some things you find hard.

Plus thinking about the training you had and how they said to deal with this?

Bless you, hang on in there.

I cannot guarantee it but I don't think she will always be in need of constant attention.

I wonder if the social workers or support team can offer some guidance to help you bond with her in the early days?

PS I do think wobbles are normal. I am almost at same stage as you so I think you could benefit from wisdom of someone further along who can advise.

RhinosAreFatUnicorns Sat 24-May-14 15:58:18

I think the introductions week was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and DD was "easy" at only 10 months. It is emotionally, physically and mentally tough. You need to be honest and talk through how you are feeling with DH, FF and SW.

I had a wobble, a huge one, soon after DD came home. I was utterly convinced we had made a mistake. I was also utterly wrong as I realised later.

With a now 3 year old DD, I can empathise with having an attention seeking DD. It can be knackering. I often look forward to bedtime blush. But I have gradually worked up to this age. I can't imagine how full on it must be for you.

Sending you hugs - but be honest. Talk it through with whoever you need.

Moid1 Sat 24-May-14 16:02:53

Not adopted kids, but I found both of mine really hard at 3, harder than the terrible two's. As they communicate more it gets easier.

Good luck, but 'even' us birth mums find it really difficult - so don't feel bad for being quite normal IFYSWIM

HappySunflower Sat 24-May-14 16:03:17

You poor thing, you must be feeling so unsettled!

This is a massive life change, you are bound to be feeling a bit apprehensive. What helped me was keeping completely and utterly focused on my dd and how she was feeling, what I needed to do to help her to feel secure.

Once she is settled with you, and feeling at home in your home environment, then I reckon the need for attention will calm down.

kmarie100 Sat 24-May-14 17:09:47

Chin up x. Adopting a child is hard and your bound to have doubts/wobbles along the way. I had that many thoughts/emotions going on during intros that I didn't know what I was feeling/thinking! Talk things through with someone. When I'm having a hard day I tend to think of the future and the positives that will arrive. 3 is an difficult age...but she wont be 3 forever. Sounds like you'll need a bit of me time/chill out time when she moves in to keep you going. Good luck.

odyssey2001 Sat 24-May-14 18:39:11

The attention seeking thing does diminish over time. Be honest with people and yourself. This isn't supposed to be easy. But right now, your new daughter needs your attention. She is so insecure and confused at the moment.

Once you have been settled at home for a few weeks, start introducing solo play opportunities. After lunch every day, we would watch 20 minutes of TV and explained that that was our time and that we wanted to be left alone. 6 months in, LO can play by himself for a good couple of hours with only the odd flit to us every now and again.

queenofthepirates Sat 24-May-14 18:43:36

Children are designed to drive you a little potty but the love you develop will see you through I promise.

DwellsUndertheSink Sat 24-May-14 19:13:15

just before my first birth child arrived, I got the wobbles - what am I doing, I wont cope etc etc.

Likewise with our foslings - I was plagued with doubts and fears before they arrived...what was I thinking etc.

The first week or two with birth children or with foster children was difficult...lives turned upside down, adjustments to be made by everyone.

And yet, we muddled along for those first few weeks and gave eachother support until suddenly, it wasn't so hard. WIth current children, it was a lovely sunny day, about 5 weeks in, and the kids all had a water fight in the garden. There was great giggling and laughing playfulness, and I knew it was going to be OK. We had turned a corner.

Its OK to feel scared. Adjustments will need to be made, but you will be OK. Little one will be seeking attention for a while, but once you are settled, away from people watching and all those expectations, you will find a place for love. You may find it takes a while and it creeps up on you. But it will come!

Devora Sat 24-May-14 19:29:07

What you are doing is SO hard. I felt full of apprehension throughout introductions - and 1 year olds are undoubtedly easier than 3 year olds. I can't promise you that everything will be ok; I can only say that it is normal to feel overwhelmed at this stage - and for quite a long time after. Lots of us didn't feel initial love - or even much in the way of connection - and the love that makes all this effort worthwhile can take a long time to develop.

Also, if you haven't had children before it can be hugely shocking to have your life so completely taken over. I struggled with this with both my birth child and my adopted child.

I don't want to minimise your feelings. If you're having serious doubts you need to address that, you must talk to your dh and sw. Only you can judge whether this falls within the category of bridging wobbles (which are so normal - honestly, I think only my pride kept me going) or something more significant.

Very best of luck to you.

RhinosAreFatUnicorns Sun 25-May-14 16:39:34

Hope you're okay Shooting flowers

UnderTheNameOfSanders Sun 25-May-14 19:20:37

Hope you're OK today.

The attention seeking does diminish as they get more confident (and you train them a bit).

No harm in using TV in bursts to give you a rest.

Make sure DH does his bit (e.g. alternate bedtime duties).

crazycatlady2010 Sun 25-May-14 20:47:15

Hi, I hope I can help. I adopted November last year, a little girl who has some special needs. We did the handover over a period of 3 weeks. The day before handover I had a major wobble, contacted my social worker and had an extra reflection day. That day gave me time to rest, as emotionally it is draining as well as tiring all the travelling youhave to do. That day made me realise how bonded I was with her, and that it was the right thing. Would not look back now, but the wobbles were awful and I can empathise with you. Hope that helps?

crazycatlady2010 Sun 25-May-14 20:48:33

Hi, I hope I can help. I adopted November last year, a little girl who has some special needs. We did the handover over a period of 3 weeks. The day before handover I had a major wobble, contacted my social worker and had an extra reflection day. That day gave me time to rest, as emotionally it is draining as well as tiring all the travelling youhave to do. That day made me realise how bonded I was with her, and that it was the right thing. Would not look back now, but the wobbles were awful and I can empathise with you. Hope that helps?

Buster51 Mon 26-May-14 06:17:00

Our DS was 3, oh my I had many wobbles! Intro week easily the hardest thing I've ever done! Even cried twice in front of DS :-( he craved attention for months (still does but it has desminished) I literally sat there & thought on so many occasions what on earth have I done! I wanted to run!

However it does get better! You are learning a new little persons personality, & like meeting anyone new this can take sometime! A lot of what DS did (still does) drove me potty! But the minuet I stopped trying to "over think" EVERTHING he really started to settle a lot more (kids definitely pick up on this!)

It's a very hard thing you are doing, do not be too hard on yourself (I still have the feelings of needing to be "supermum!") it will just take time. Try to take each day as it comes smile x

MooseyMouse Mon 26-May-14 06:24:24

Do you feel like this is the right child but it's emotionally tough? Or do you feel like this could be the wrong match for you?

MooseyMouse Mon 26-May-14 06:42:42

I've sent you a PM but I just wanted to pass on something said by someone wiser than me... She said she had learnt to think of "attention-seeking behaviour" as "attachment-seeking behaviour". This helps me a lot when our little boy is demanding. It helps me feel less irritated and to see his ongoing vulnerability.

Devora's comment that only her pride kept her going is very familiar. I kept wishing I had a magic wand to make it all go away. Now I'm glad we've got our little boy and I'm glad he's got us.

Hels20 Mon 26-May-14 09:14:02

ShootingStars - you poor thing. Please talk over your worries and concerns with your SW and your DH. Do you feel just overwhelmed by how your life is going to change or is it more to do with the child? Do you feel any sort of connection with the child?

We are 7 months in - and I did feel something immediately with the child - although there were definitely moments during the introductions (and when DS came to live with us) where I mourned my old life a bit - especially the amount of sleep I used to get.

I agree with other posters that only you can really know whether it is about the child or the whole adoption thing. I feel incredibly lucky that I felt a connection immediately - I know some people do not and for some it takes months, maybe years.

But if you really really don't think the child is right, I think you should ask for a longer introduction period. The worst thing that could happen would be for the child to move in with you and break down. If you need more time - speak up. You won't be the first person and you won't be the last.

BUT so many people on this board struggled initially. None of us can tell you exactly what to do.

Sending you lots of hugs. Introductions are so emotionally draining and I definitely felt all at sea.

shootingstras I wonder if you are feeling a little 'left behind' that your dh is feeling love and you are not. You said My DH is very excited about whole thing and even said he thought he loved her a bit already whilst I was thinking I'm not sure I can cope with this at all.

Can I just say that love comes to us all at different times. I already feel a lot of love for our new son (who only came to live with us this month) but I think my hubby is more of a slow burner and certainly doesn't always talk about his feelings (even to me!).

Also in some ways hubby and I often feel tired/exhausted/stressed/anxious at different times. In one sense this is annoying! How can be not be tired/exhausted/stressed/anxious when I am! Or how can he feel this is tiring/exhausting/stressful/anxious-making! When I do not!

But in family life I have found being different has helped a lot. When one of us is at the end of their tether the other had space and time and most importantly energy to spare!

I do not know if this is relevant for you guys or not but I think although frustrating the different ways we cope and handle stuff can actually be a life saver because when we feel we have little to give the other can step in, and vice versa.

I think it may help to consider why you accepted the match and how you felt about her originally. But I agree with all others who say to talk to DH and the social worker and to ask for any assistance you can now.

I will pm you.

RhinosAreFatUnicorns Mon 26-May-14 13:30:32

Wise words as usual Italian. I definitely felt that in the early days. DH seemed to fall instantly in love with DD, had no reservations and just got on with it. I felt completely numb, regretted leaving my old life behind, felt guilt over the dog being left out (!) and struggled immensely. He (as much as he tried) found it difficult to understand how I was feeling, and vice versa. His immediate love made me feel even more guilty.

Only you knows whether this is just a wobble or something more. It's hard to give advice really as every situation is different. I hope that you are okay.

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