adopting with 3 birth children?(22 Posts)
Hello, I realise that I'm in a very fortunate position having 3 birth children, but the plan was always to have 4 until ds3 was born with a heart defect (thankfully corrected by surgery). This is more likely to happen again to a future child, so, coupled with our ages (41 and 44) and the fact that I've already had 3 miscarriages we've come to the conclusion that we had better not have any more birth children. I feel there is a gap in our family though and know we could give another child a happy home.
My question is: would we stand a chance as adopters or would sws think we are too old and have too many children? We would probably wait until our youngest is at school, so boys aged 5, 7 and 9. Thank you. X
On the ITV program about adoption there was a family with 3 older children, they adopted a sibling pair aged about 6 and 4
So I am sure it is possible!
watching with interest. I would love more children but started too late, I'm now 45. I looked into fostering and adoption about 6 years ago but we didn't have enough bedrooms. This is something we're now in a position to change, and the desire for more children hasn't gone away.
spanielgirl I am sure you would certainty have a good chance of convincing social workers that you would make a good family for any adopted child.
You would need to feel sure you were not going to have any more birth children (and you may be asked to use protection to ensure that did not happen during the process).
You would also need to show you were aware of the 'issues' and 'circumstances' for children who are looked after in the care system.
If you want your kids to be 5, 7 and 9, when would this be? Our county has a 50 year age difference policy so you would be well within the age limit as you are now only 41 and 44 so your youngest child would be 5 within next few years. So age should not be an issue.
Do you have a spare room for the child (as they would not be able to share a room)?
I would say (IMHO) that the biggest task for you and your DH would be to show you had considered the impact on your birth children and family as a whole and that you felt confident you could successfully parent a child joining your family through adoption and would have the ability to integrate the new child into the family etc, and the family into the new child etc etc.
Good luck with your progress and I think these boards are a great way to learn more about the needs and issues of looked after children.
Thank you very much for your responses, especially Italiangreyhound. My dh and I have both come into contact with looked after children through work and I've been doing a fair bit of research so I am aware of some of the issues, although I have a lot to learn over the next couple of years.
We should have a spare room as we have 4 bedrooms but my eldest two have always shared and love it .
I was thinking of perhaps a 2-4 yr old girl as I would be able to give her my full attention when the boys are at school but there would hopefully be less rivalry than if they were the same gender.
All this is a couple of years off, but I like to be prepared and think things through!
Thanks again. X
There are a lot more issues to think through if you have older birth children, but plenty of adopters do have them. (I only had one, though.)
I was 46 when I adopted dd2, who was then just under 1.
I would talk to some adoption agencies quite soon to get a sense of the right balance between your dc's ages, yours, and any child you might adopt.
Best of luck.
Thank you, I hadn't thought of doing anything official yet but of course it makes sense at least to enquire. Thank you! X
spanielgirl re age we are in the process of adopting a three year old (soon to be 4 year old) and DH and I are (whispers..) 49!! So similar age to Devora when matched for adoption.
I mean in relation to child's age obviously! Similar.
That puts my mind at rest with regards to age, thank you!
There'll be no problems with your age, a huge number of adopters are your age. I've known people over 50 adopt in my LA
There will need to be at least 2 year age gap between your youngest birth child and your adoptive child, so if your YBC was 5 when you were approved, you would be looking at a child aged 0-3 at most, but maybe even 0-2.
I agree completely with Italian and I don't have anything to add to what she's said
Just to add, I know of a family with four birth children who adopted a toddler a couple of years ago. They always wanted to adopt to complete their family, and it has worked well all around so far.
Our county has a 50 year age difference policy so you would be well within the age limit as you are now only 41 and 44 so your youngest child would be 5 within next few years.
Your county shouldn't be doing this. BAAF guidelines are that there should no longer be any rigid age criteria. Each family should be assessed on their ability to parent a child through to adulthood.
I think you sound like a great family to parent an adopted child but the SWs may work on you with things like how you would change your style of parenting to adapt to a child with different needs to your birth children.
On our prep course there was a couple with one birth child and one single parent with 3 birth children. The rest of us were clueless newbies and just listened to the SWs' ideas about parenting an adopted child. The couple with one birth child (who had a disability) sounded interested and flexible but the single mother was railing in the breaks about how "that's not how I think you should parent a child" and "I absolutely must home school my adopted child" (which is not to say that there's anything wrong with home schooling per se, but it's not for every child).
I believe our SW said the single mum dropped out... you won't be surprised to hear!
spanielgirl re age gap of 50 years, drspouse may know more than me re age gap. I'm quoting what I heard when we started the journey, more than two years ago, so I could well be wrong!
Thanks everyone, lots I need to find out about! I do try to parent positively but I can see that an adopted child would have very different needs to my rabble.
Sittingatmydeskagain its great to know that it can be done!
Thanks everyone. X
Lordy Lilka I think this I agree completely with Italian and I don't have anything to add to what she's said is the highest adoption honour!
Good luck * spanielgirl*.
Italian we were going to adopt for a second time through our LA ( we aren't any more) and they tried this on with us. We took BAAF's advice and wrote back to them quoting the current best practice and they said "oh, well, we'd consider assessing you". But we aren't doing that any more.
Italian - hahaha You know, when I was writing that, I thought 'I think Italian will be pleased to read this'.
But it's true, I had nothing to add. You've gone through the process and now you know at least as much about it as I do - actually, you definitely know more than I do, because I adopted under the old system and don't have experience of the new one.
And on a serious note, you flatter me greatly, but it's not an 'honour'. Facts are facts, but my opinions mean no more than any other adopters opinion. It bugs me when you go on a board, and you get the sense that there are some people whose opinions seem to be worth so much more than other people's, even though all those people have experience. If that makes sense. I don't want to be seen in that way
To finish - hahahaha You're welcome
OP - sorry for derailing I wish you all the best of luck!
The 50 year criteria HAHA Our youngest DD is 8 and I am 70 DH is 67. She came to live with us when she was 3. Do your own sums I am too old
I think if you have what they are looking for you will be fine.
I wish you the best of luck
You make me feel so much better, I'm going to be at least 47 years older than our next child (who will be our youngest, yes really they will).
drspouse Never say never, I have said it 3 times!! But THERE WILL BE NO MORE have changed locks and sealed up letterbox but good luck and enjoy!!
Yes I think DH is going to turn off the phone and email after the next child is placed!
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