my ex is going to contest the adoption order

(47 Posts)
OurMiracle1106 Sat 10-May-14 22:06:25

He emailed me and asked for my backing to do so. Saying he would let me see our son if he was with him blah blah blah. I declined. Said that this is what's in our child's best interests. He couldn't be bothered with contact. Not even when in local authority care. (so can't claim it was to do with me)

I'm now worried that the process is going to be dragged out because of him being selfish. He is (or was until at least this time last year cos he was on it at court) a cocaine and alcohol dependent. He stabbed me on front of our child. Strangled me multiple times (til I lost consciousness) and yes wrong as it was I stayed til he was visibly frightened of his own father.

Please tell me he has no chance of actually being successful in contesting?

I'm scared he will manage to get our son. And honestly I would rather my son be the other side of the world and me never hear or see him again than this happen. He thinks his mum (who sexually abused him) is suitable to look after him and would happily leave him in his brothers care (who done a long period of time for raping a not even teenage girl)

Please please tell me he won't get my son

I'm so sorry Miracle. Are social services aware of all this?

Bless you and I am sure common sense will prevail.

Dumplings4ever Sat 10-May-14 22:15:13

Oh God - you poor thing.

From what you've said there isn't a court in the land that would hand your DS over to this man. His objections may slow matters up as the authorities need to look into every claim but, reasonably, they're not going to entertain his claim.

Stay strong - you son WILL have a bright future.

OurMiracle1106 Sat 10-May-14 22:17:18

Not as yet. I found out today so will speak to the social worker on Monday. I did warn them he would likely do this. Why can't he put our sons NEEDS before his own selfish WANTS? I'm angry. Upset. And honestly scared

BrianTheMole Sat 10-May-14 22:19:18

Very unlikely. I expect he will be assessed. Are there police records available? I presume he was charged?

OurMiracle1106 Sat 10-May-14 22:21:47

He wasn't charged. I couldnt report it.at the time. He has been charged with abh on myself. And in a seperate incident a female paramedic.

Assessed? Should that not have happened before the placement order: he asked back then but the court deemed it unnecessary as he was clearly unable to provide care for his son

BetterLatteThanNever Sat 10-May-14 22:25:07

Oh Miracle what you've been through thanks Hugs to you.

Others will be able to give you better, more detailed advice, but I'm pretty sure he can first only apply for permission to appeal. The information you've given above sounds pretty compelling in terms of why he wouldn't get permission.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I do wonder from the way you describe him, whether he may be saying this to try and manipulate you? If you don't give him the response he wants, he may not follow through with the effort involved in the application.

OurMiracle1106 Sat 10-May-14 22:27:12

Ive told him I am backing the adopters.

Over my dead body will my son be put through what his dad subjected me to when he heard answers he didn't like

namechangesforthehardstuff Sun 11-May-14 00:01:54

I am sure people who know more about this than me will be along soon but...

Afaik they look very carefully at families before a child is released for adoption (sorry - that's not the right word but v tired) and if they thought anyone in the family was a viable guardian they would have tried to place your ds with them then. They will have assessed him quite thoroughly and, from what you've said, it seems it would have been quite an easy decision.

Try not to worry too much and do speak with SS on Monday.

OurMiracle1106 Sun 11-May-14 00:09:55

I refused to put my own mother forward on health grounds despite being asked more than once (she died just 16 days after court at any rate so I made the right decision)
His mum was ruled out. His brother isn't permitted access to children under the age of 16 unsupervised so couldn't be put forward in the first place.

He didn't co operate with the assessment. They ruled him out pretty quickly. I was under the impression to get leave to contest there needed to be
1) significant changes in circumstances
2) it proven to be in the child's best interests.

He can go short periods when not stressed without drugs/alcohol however he isn't recovered and was advised he needed to be a mainimum of 6 months completely abstinent

I don't believe he can give our son MORE than the adoptive parents
My test on whether to contest or not was can I give him more than they already are. No I can't. So no its not fair.

Ohbyethen Sun 11-May-14 00:38:08

Please excuse my ignorance but - as far as I was aware you may not give consent for adoption but the result of that is remaining in care. It doesn't mitigate the care order?
From my memory of your previous posts you contesting it would have been a different kettle of fish to him doing so (I think your decision is an incredibly brave and loving one) and he has already been ruled out, not long ago with no change in circumstances?

Do you have concerns that because he has not been criminally convicted/ charged with the dv apart from the abh that what you told SS etc won't be enough to stop him manipulating the situation?

I'm really not trying to be prurient or ignorant, it just seems that there's a lot of reasons why contesting will get him nowhere fast. I understand the worry of how it would impact on your lo and the adopters, of course, and why he should not do it. But if he is intent then surely he still won't get custody? I just cannot see it happening.

Ohbyethen Sun 11-May-14 00:46:17

Sorry, forgot to say.

You have been through more than anyone should have to. Dealing with losing your mum so soon after court is more than many could bear. And yet you not only worked hard on a personal level, you have made a decision for your child to have the best future possible. That's massive.

Your ex has underestimated you. I hope SS can quickly address your concerns.

NanaNina Sun 11-May-14 01:45:30

I'm sorry OP I don't quite understand. Are the LA making application for a Placement Order at the final hearing of the case, and you as the birth mother are giving your consent? If this is the case the father should certainly have been assessed long before the application got before the court.

I am a retired social worker and manager of a fostering & adoption team for 15 years and have 30 years experience in Children's Services. Can you confirm whether I have understood this, and if not can you give more details.

Lilka Sun 11-May-14 02:27:52

No Nana, her son is already living with his adoptive parents. The adoptive parents are going to apply for the adoption order now, and her ex wants to try and get permission to contest the making of the adoption order

I'm really sorry Miracle this is so hard for you, and you really shouldn't have to be dealing with this. But I can honestly say that I cannot believe he would get custody of your son, no way. It's far far too late now. Will it delay the adoption order being granted? Maybe not at all, maybe by a few weeks but I doubt much more than that. Cases only tend to drag on for months when birth parents have made genuine changes to their lives, and even then I have never heard of a case being successful. If the situation is patently unsafe with no changes then in my experience it is over very quickly. I truly believe you have nothing to fear, and he hasn't a hope in hell of winning. But I know that doesn't stop it being very worrying for you, in your position I would be just as scared of it. <<hugs>> thanks thanks

UnderTheNameOfSanders Sun 11-May-14 07:49:51

Miracle So sorry to hear this.

I agree with what Lilka says.

Make sure that if he does apply for Leave to Contest you ask the SWs to make it very clear to the APs that you are not involved, and you want the adoption to go ahead as planned.

At least your little one will be too young to know what is going on. We had a blip in our legal process, DD1 was 9 and didn't understand why the judge was taking so long.

Jennifersrabbit Sun 11-May-14 09:38:59

Dear Miracle

Really sorry you are having to go through this. However I can't imagine from what you've said that there is any chance of your ex successfully contesting the order. The procedure is that he would have to ask for permissi

Jennifersrabbit Sun 11-May-14 09:45:05

My apologies, posted too soon. The procedure is that he has to ask the court for permission to contest the order. The court would have to be satisfied that his circumstances had changed hugely since the placement order was made AND that it would be in your sons best interests to allow him to contest the adoption order.

It sounds incredibly unlikely that he would meet that test, in which case he would be refused permission to contest the order at a very brief hearing. End of story.

The general legal view is that the best way forward for your son was determined when the placement order was made, and that there has to be evidence of huge changes before that decision is changed. It can happen but is rare, and I don't think your ex sounds like he's one of those cases.

If you felt brave enough to do so, I think you would be able to write to the court (possibly via your social worker?) to simply state that you support the adoption. I am aware of this having happened in cases where separated parents were taking different attitudes to the process.

Best wishes.

OurMiracle1106 Sun 11-May-14 09:53:39

I have been told I am allowed to stand in court and state my views to the judge. I plan on doing so. I will tell the court that although the decision not to contest was a very hard decision it was the decision which was best for my child. And no matter how much that hurts me as his birth mum I have to accept that being his mum has meant putting his needs above my own. There is nothing I would want more in this world than to hold my little boy and for him to be home with me. However I know I can't provide all he needs so with a very heavy heart I have to allow him to have what he needs from his new mum and hopefully he will be happy.

Does this mean I don't love him. No it doesn't it means that I love him enough to put his needs before my own. No matter what the emotional cost to me. I won't ever stop loving him. He is my miracle and until my last breath always will be. I was truly blessed to have him and I hope he brings his parents as much happiness as he has bought me

MrsDeVere Sun 11-May-14 09:58:45

Miracle lots and lots of birth parents contest adoption orders.
Its very common and sometimes a necessary step to allow BPs to feel they have done all they can to stop their child being taken away.

My DS's bm did it. I don't believe she wanted him back and she didn't have a chance of stopping the adoption but it was very stressful for us.

It may not go any further than him talking about it.

Of course you love your DS. Everyone on the adoption boards know that. flowers

Miracle I second MrsDeVere - Of course you love your DS. We can all see that. I agree with Sanders that you should ask the SWs to make it very clear to the APs that you are not involved, and you want the adoption to go ahead as planned.

All the very best and try not to worry. I am sure he doesn't have any chance at all.

OurMiracle1106 Sun 11-May-14 10:54:43

I fought til and through final hearing. However I went there with the attitude that whatever was decided had to be what was best for my son. It wasn't about what me or his dad wanted or what social services wanted. It was solely about him. And though the decision was hard to accept I have. I feel dragging it out is just going to make it more painful for everyone. Including the adopters which isn't fair on our son. If it affects his parents on some level it will affect him. He is a sensitive little thing and he can sense when somethings not right.

Kewcumber Sun 11-May-14 11:51:02

As I am more than a bit Machiavellian, I think this (however stressful) could work out in your favour... I don't think there is any chance your ex will get custody - as best he will delay proceedings (which you are right will just stress the AP's and perhaps your son as a result). But if you make very clear to the social worker that you will be prepared to come to court and tell the judge the reasons why you think the adoption order should go through then I think it would really help build trust with the AP's which I think will be in everyone's best interests (well, everyone who matters and who frankly gives a shit about your ex?).

I have decided that I'm really not a very nice person.

OurMiracle1106 Sun 11-May-14 12:13:16

Nope I honestly agree Kew as far as I am concerned he said goodbye to us when he couldnt be bothered with contact unless it was at my house with me present, no one else present or my mums with me present.

I think not some how. Controlling much? I went to the mediators and had my first appointment and was told I was being reasonable and if he did take it to court he would most likely only get the same.

NanaNina Sun 11-May-14 14:10:04

If the placement order has been made which I assume it has, that would have been the time for the birthfather to contest the Order. Even then a Judge can dispense with the consent of a parent if they believe that consent is being unreasonably withheld, and it seems this would be the case.

As others have said it's game over now - the Placement Order "frees" the child for Adoption and it's a simple matter of the APs going to court for the judge to make the Order. The birthfather will have no rights to make any application or contest anything. Surely the sw should be explaining this to the OP.

Miracle you are a very special birthmother and I sincerely hope you will find the strength to get through the months (even years) without your child. I hope life is kind to you.

Lilka Sun 11-May-14 14:52:10

Well, he does have a right to ask permission to contest the adoption order Nana

I just can't see him being granted permission to contest in a month of Sundays based on what you are saying Miracle.

But I do know adoptive families who've had birth parents contesting the adoption order and having multiple court hearings over months. With the ultmimate outcome that the adoption order goes through

It was simpler in many ways back when I adopted the DD's and they really were 'free for adoption' and there was no such thing as contesting or asking to contest at that stage. BUT obviously there were issues otherwise they wouldn't have changed the system

Miracle I think your plan to stand in court and say this to the judge is very brave and I hope it will show your son in years to come how much you cared for him, by putting your own feelings below his thanks

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