Feel I should name change to Scardy Cat of Mayfair!

[Italiangreyhound]

Feel I should name change to Scardy Cat of Mayfair!

One of my friends is in the early stages of placement. Like me she has a birth child and has adopted a younger sibling, much younger, of opposite gender. Can't say much more as do not want to out her!

She is finding it quite hard as the kids are arguing a lot and the older child is being quite negative about the new arrival. Of course I am only hearing it from her side and not really knowing what is going on in the minds of the kids but feel sad for her and them and feeling worried for me now!

We have tried to prepare DD well but I know that in the end it could all be quite hard and I am now getting scared. What if DD turns round and blames me for adopting and is unhappy?

For the longest time our family life has been about DD, her needs and her wants and me and DH have enjoyed life and struggled and got through it! Going back into the younger years is scary.

I feel very happy to be adopting and totally right the child is the age he is. I am quite relieved now we did not get matched to a baby or toddler (no offence to those who are, that is why the matching process is so good, when it works, because we are all different!).

Anyway, I have been lucky, lovely referees, lovely social workers, met foster carer and she is an angel. Now it's me and DH and our DD and new DS (soon to be) and I am wondering if we can cope! And what if we can't! Scardy Cat of Mayfair!

[RabbitRabbit78]

You will cope, you wouldn't have got this far of you couldn't! Your experience will not be the same as anyone else's, however similar their circumstances are. Have confidence in yourself, but don't be afraid to ask for help or advice from those around you - that's what all the SWs etc are there for!

[flightywoman]

You will cope, and you'll still have those thoughts occasionally even after he's arrived.

As Rabbit says, if you need any help from the SWs ask for it - it's their job and in their interests that it goes well.

But do not underestimate how different it's all going to be. You've had the preparations, you've done the courses, and intellectually you know what to expect, but nothing prepares you for the reality of that little person.

It's going to be amazing, but it's also scary!

[disneygirl10]

I felt exactly the same italian at the point you are at now terrified!
but nearly two years later they fight lots but also play lots and they are most definitely brother and sister

[Devora]

It is completely terrifying. You are stepping off the edge of a cliff and you don't know where you'll land.

With siblings of any sort, there's no guarantees are there? dd1 and dd2 fight like cats, but they also love each other passionately and are very, very bonded as sisters. I genuinely think that dd2 gets as much from her sibling relaitonship with dd1 as she gets from her parenting relationship with me and dp. I hadn't anticipated that - I had hoped they would get on - but they are important to each other in ways i hadn't thought of.

The kids next door - birth siblings, one year apart, happy stable family with loving parents - never, ever get on. All we hear through the wall is them screaming at each other. Their poor mum often says how jealous she is of the obvious love between ours.

None of this is any kind of guarantee for you. But when we create families, this is always the risk we take. Have courage!

[Devora]

Have PMed you, Italian.

[Italiangreyhound]

Rabbit, flightywoman, disneygirl and Devora, thank you all so much.

It feels like a very big deal to anyone I am sure. It's just having a birth child it feels extra scary as DH and I have made this decision that can affect her so much. She is fully in favour but it still feels a lot. I think this is why I am so against the idea of adopting out of birth order! I feel at least she as an older child has some control over stuff that a younger one does not!

I hope we can all live up to the challenge.

Bless you all.

[adoptmama]

My kids fight constantly :) They also hug, cuddle, kiss, get jealous, share and enjoy each others company. That's what siblings do :)

Yes it will be hard for all of you. Every last one of you will probably, at several points, wish you hadn't done it. Even if you have a lovely honeymoon period at the start you will still all have to shake down together and make a new, normal family life together. And obviously your new child could be coming with a lot of fears, insecurities and difficulties which may not be apparent at the beginning.

I still remember DD1 very clearly telling me I could send DD2 back now as she'd changed her mind :) I wondered if I would ever love DD2 as much, if they would love each other, if we would have 'normal' days. And they did, and we do. I look at photos of the two of them together and literally can't imagine there only being one in the picture.

The fact you are worried isn't a bad thing - it shows you know it is not going to be a picnic and you are realistic about the challenges ahead. Will your DD be part of the introduction process before DS comes home? My advice to you is to make her as much a part of the process as possible, do your very best to ring-fence time for her to spend with you by herself e.g a bed time, cooking together etc so she still has one on one time with you, let her know it is ok to be angry and upset (although obviously not ok to express it any way she chooses), make sure her private space - like her bedroom - stays private and that she can retreat to it if needed. Let her know it is ok to tell you anything about how she is feeling, especially the negative stuff because that is normal and she is not a 'bad girl' for thinking negative things or wishing it hadn't happened and you understand and will not be cross with her. Equally let her know though that this is your new family and you are all going to work at it together. My eldest very, very quickly bonded with her little sister and the biggest issue was what I would label normal sibling jealousy about how much of my time the youngest absorbed and little sister getting into her toys.

Good luck.

[Italiangreyhound]

Adoptamama - thank you Will your DD be part of the introduction process before DS comes home - yes, all planned in. From the official day 2, although the actual third meeting as there is a weird one off meeting first to make sure we are sure!! . How big is the gap between your girls and how old was oldest one when younger one joined, please? PM me if you would rather or just don't say. Thanks

[adoptmama]

pm'd you :)

[LastingLight]

Getting a sibling is a huge thing in any child's life, whether that sibling is bio or adopted. Obviously adopted children have extra needs but you could for that matter have a bio child with SN as well, you can't predict these things. So by all means be prepared that your dd might find it hard initially to adapt to the fact that she is no longer and only, but don't feel extra worried because this is as the result of an adoption. You have the right to a second child and while your first child's feelings must be taken into account she cannot make that decision for you.

[LastingLight]

FWIW I was 10.7 when my (very unexpected) brother was born. My mom also ran a creche from home and dad worked full time so I had relatively little one on one time with parents. Yet I adored my little brother and we turned out ok. I know adoption is different but chances are your dd will turn out ok too. It's not as if you're suddenly springing this on her... oh btw dd, you're getting a brother tomorrow!

[MerryInthechelseahotel]

It's ok to be nervous as the future is unknown but you might well be feeling the same now if you were waiting to go in to labour. There is always the chance your dd might blame you but she might also thank you! Words of wisdom from me, the biggest scaredcat but not from Mayfair

[Italiangreyhound]

Thank you LastingLight and Merry.

[slkk]

I have similar worries, Italiangreyhound. When do introductions start for you?

[Italiangreyhound]

slkk few days.