Come and talk to me about your matching criteria (only if you want to!)

(20 Posts)

I know the parameters of the kind of child I was happy to be matched with and to adopt have broadened the longer I have been in this process and now I wonder how 'normal' or 'average' this is (to broaden ones views!)

I feel it is most definitely not a case of being so 'desperate' to have another child that I would consider adopting any child. It is more about transferring the attention of the adoption on to the child rather than me as an adult.

For a lot of the process I was thinking of me, what I wanted, needed etc.

I have a great deal of admiration for Kew, Lilka, Kristina and Devora, and countless others, who have helped me to see the needs of the child, not in a negative 'stop thinking about yourself' way but in a positive 'you can make a difference to a child's life but you gotta get it right for them' way!

So thanks one and all and I wonder if anyone wants to share stories (without any judgement) of how their parameters of matching criteria.

If I were adopting a fresh I would even consider older still! I started out quite narrow on age and gender (open on race) and have become more open generally. Not sure if this is 'a thing'.

Barbadosgirl Wed 30-Apr-14 18:43:57

Hi

We were approved today (cloud nine) and on the basis of how we are judged by the media and he sorts of people who comment on Daily Mail articles I would say we are probably "bad" adopters. This is us:

1. One child (bad) although we said we would consider a sibling group very close in age or twins (good) if they could share a room because although we have a spare room it is on a different floor from our room (bad?).

2. Age 0-12 months. I think initially we were actually a bit wider (0-2) but as we have progressed I think it has become clear to me how much I crave as much as the baby bit as possible. I will never have a newborn child and we are at peace with that but we do want as much as the crawling/babbling stage as poss (bad).

3. Dual heritage to reflect, as much as possible, my husband and me (good, no blonde hair/blue eyes for us).

4. Yes to developmental uncertainty and most histories/issues but no to anything life limiting or a serious disability (bad).

How are people finding matching? I am fairly emotional/overwhelmed already!

Choccyjules Wed 30-Apr-14 18:59:26

I am finding matching far more stressful than I foolishly imagined.

We are open to gender, race and age (while still giving a gap to DD 5). The other needs we are going on a case by case basis but DH will not take a child who won't be an independent adult.

Choccyjules Wed 30-Apr-14 19:00:15

Hijack: Congrats barbadosgirl!!

namechangesforthehardstuff Wed 30-Apr-14 19:13:37

Is this the topic to ask about Adoption Link in or should I get me own bloody thread? I already have one thread of my own, would feel greedy with more...

namechangesforthehardstuff Wed 30-Apr-14 19:17:26

I think having a younger BC (DD is 4) limits you with matching because you have two children to put first (BC and AC - not in that order) and you need the adoption to work for your family for everyone's sake. Another thing which pisses me off about the 'Oh of course everyone wants a baby' thing...

So re being an independent adult I think it's unfair to say to DD 'Here is your sibling, we'll be around to look after them for 30 years or so and then it'll be your job'

Barbadosgirl Wed 30-Apr-14 19:20:32

Thanks Choccy. Name change- are you going to use Adoption Link?

namechangesforthehardstuff Wed 30-Apr-14 19:26:06

I don't know? I'd like to suggest it to my SW but I feel it's the sort of thing SWs might run from? And I know nothing about it, have just looked at it since seeing it on here but it looks like a great idea for adopters and less so for anyone wanting to control adopters (SWs?)

Disclaimer - our SW is bloody lovely...

UnderTheNameOfSanders Wed 30-Apr-14 21:48:15

We were approved for 1 or 2. We were quite wide on the age range 0-7 (and eventually adopted out of the range), but we (I) wanted one to be pre-school.

Our over-riding criteria was to be expected to be able to go to mainstream school and to lead an independent life. This kind of guided us on the rest of the list.

With hindsight (7 years in now!) we could probably have coped with more on the medical needs than we thought, but probably would have coped less well on emotional/behavioural difficulties.

Barbadosgirl it's all good, you are not bad! You sound lovely. I wonder if your room could be two and you could adopt two if you want to? Yes, very stressful, it was the hardest part BY FAR! Stick with it. It gets better once the match is fixed and you finally feel all your energy goes into a specific child rather than a random thing! Good luck.

Choccy I think your hubbies feelings are very valid, we have a birth DD and I would not have felt able to take a child who had any kind of serious uncertainty that they would not be intendant.

Names I don't know what 'Adoption Link' means?

Sanders can I ask what age you adopted, feel free to say mind your on business or to pm me! [nosyfacedemotion]

UnderTheNameOfSanders Fri 02-May-14 14:52:26

We adopted 2.5 and (very nearly) 8 years old.

We'd just recovered from4 weeks of introductions when DD1 said "What are we doing for my birthday party?" I could have done without that!

DD2 was also younger than we were expecting to be linked with. She was delayed and a big baby really (nappies, bottles, limited speech). For me pre-school meant at least 6 months before Reception; because of timing DD2 was home for 2.5 years which was a real bonus.

Didn't know what had hit me for the first 3 months!

Kewcumber Fri 02-May-14 19:07:57

Matching criteria for me on day of application: white girl under 1 with limited medical needs

Matching criteria by time of my panel: either sex child under 2 with some additional needs but no extreme, prematurity, HIV/AIDS, FAS, any race.

Matching criteria by the time a match was made (ie when I travelled - 3 years after application): human child under 2... scrap that I think I would actually have accepted the referral of a pony I was so bonkers with the wait by then.

Actual match: Central asian boy aged 11 months extremely premature and very delayed. The perfect match as it turned out! I don't really think it was perfect, I just think we made it perfect between us.

tigger29 Sat 03-May-14 22:56:59

For those wondering... you can find info about Adoption Link here: www.adoptionlink.co.uk You can see some stats on the website - 70 matches being considered, and 200 social workers using it (it's only been running a couple of weeks I think). Is anyone here on it?

Barbadosgirl Tue 06-May-14 23:22:19

Just waiting for verification then will be putting us on it. Will report back!

Choccyjules Wed 07-May-14 15:01:37

While people are happy to talk about matching, we're currently wondering if we have to heed the countless online exhortations to make the age gap between AC and BC as wide as possible.

The LA doesn't stipulate any gap but is happy for us to go with the 'minimum 2 years' theory as we brought it up and it went into our PAR.

While we have read lots of experiences where people say this is the way to go, we worry that the current profiles we are being shown (approx 5 yr gap to our BC) mean that BC won't have a hope of a, let's call it, playful peer relationship with AC. Yes, I know we are not adopting a playmate. I know about the extra needs we will have to deal with. But this is a one-off chance to get this right for our BC too.

Has anyone adopted with a 2/3 year gap and it's whispers turned-out OK?

MsSelinaKyle Wed 07-May-14 22:41:16

Kewcumber I just had to tell you how beautiful the photos of you and your ds are. In every picture your face is full of love and pride. You look like you were made to be together.

Kewcumber Wed 07-May-14 22:48:54

Not sure if this is relevant Choccy but there is a four and five year age gaps between me and my two older siblings. I played plenty with my sister (4yr age gap) up to when she hit puberty when we drifted apart then became close friends again when I was about 19. Didn;t play much with my brother but had all the usual family memory type stuff - holidays and trips out and his dishy older friends. Don't have any relationship with him at present but that's really down to his own issues and nothing to do with out childhood.

I don;t have any issue with not having had sibling "playmates", had plenty of friends and it hasn't impacted our long term bond and reliance on each other when the chips are down (at least with my sister!) which I think is probably more important in the long run.

The right child is what matters not the age gap (IMVHO)

Kewcumber Wed 07-May-14 22:53:06

Thank you MsSK - I don't really believe that any one child is made for any one parent. I think its a relationship which grows until it feels like you were made for each other at which point you conveniently forgot all those tough times when you were convinced you would never be able to adore them merely feel responsible for them!

But yes I am very proud of him and I do adore him. He's been through more in his 8 years than many people go through by the time they're 50 and somehow he still has that joie de vive that makes him such fun to have around.

Lilka Wed 07-May-14 22:57:01

With a larger age gap, your children may not be interested in playing the same games or doing so many things together etc...but i do agree it's more about personalities, and in the longer term, as adults they won't be less close purely because of a larger age gap

Although I don't think there's anything wrong with a 3/4 year age gap instead of a 5 year gap, if that's preferred.

But in my experience, large age gaps can be great

DD1 and DD1 are close and rarely ever argue. There's 10 years between them. They chat, joke, enjoy each others company, and DD1 (before all her time was consumed by two babies!) used to love sitting down with DD2 and say, watching a little kids movie with her, or fixing up her hair, or playing something else, because that what she's like - motherly, drawn to younger kids

DD1 and DS, ditto, they are super close, and DS treasures all his time with his big sister and all the lovely things they do together. I love watching them snuggle up together smile

Plus as has been said, all the usual childhood memories of days out, shared laughter shared tantrums, because however many years apart you are, you both want the last damn biscuit in the packet just as much a each other wink grin etc

Kewcumber Wed 07-May-14 23:02:37

and ganging up aginst your parents or bemoaning your fate at having the worlds worst parents equally bonding

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