when to start the process???

(6 Posts)
climbamountain Mon 28-Apr-14 19:38:16

Hi this is my first post have ben enjoying reading all posts up to now.
When is the best time to start the assessment process to become an adopter....the obivous answer would be when you feel ready...this is now

I have done lots of reading phoned a few la s been to an initial info evening my concerns are
-finanicially we would manage now but things would be tight, in two years it would be much easier, but I dont want wait that long then to wait through a lengthy process
-adoption is my prefential choice over a bc, but I am worried if we wait too long and we are turned then having a bc would be harder

there are a couple of issues I would worry about being turned down for
my partner has a bc who is 14 and we have to contact with and I have had in the past struggled with anxiety.

many thanks

64x32x24 Mon 28-Apr-14 21:27:17

Hi climba,
We have a birth child but have decided to (try to) adopt our second child, rather than try to conceive again. Accordingly, we had similar concerns: We were clear that if we for some reason or other couldn't adopt, we would want to try for another birth child; so time was not on our side.
We initially wanted to wait until our DS was 8 or so, to start the process; but that would have put me solidly past 40, and if we were then told 'no we won't assess you because of x' we would have been devastated, probably having missed the boat for having any more children by any 'method'. (Also, assume we did then manage to conceive again, the age gap between our children would be 8 or 9 years at least, which is again not something we really wanted). So when the time came where we were totally certain that we wanted more children, and did not want to risk never being able to have more children, we started making inquiries. From some perspectives it wasn't the ideal time to get started, but putting it off any longer started to feel way too risky.

Regarding the issues you worry about, we had a few of those too. One of ours was that we speak a different language at home, and we were worried that this alone would rule us out. What we did (nearly a year ago now): We called First4Adoption, and got to talk to a great, knowledgeable, wise person who was able to reassure us that provided we had a 'plan', this should not stop us from adopting. She also told us that we should call agencies and not be disheartened if some 'declined' us, there would always be another one who would be keen to take us on. So we did. And here we are, panel coming up soon - we still can't know for sure that we will be approved to adopt, but chances are pretty good, and indeed if everything should go wrong, we are still young enough to consider trying to conceive again.

I'll be honest though: Starting the process when we did, did come at a cost. It's complicated to explain fully, but I will never now have the kind of career I might have otherwise had (i.e. if we had waited and started the process later). However at some point I had the personal insight that I would rather risk that career, than risk never having any more children.

I think it boils down to how old you are, how worried you are about your fertility, and how much you want to have children. If having children is a top priority in your life, and time is running out with regards to fertility, then you should definitely make inquiries. Find out if an agency would take you on. Lay your cards on the table, discuss the issues that worry you, and see what they say. They might reassure you that you sound like ideal adopters and if you WERE reassured, you could delay starting the process for another year or two. Or you may decide that actually, you want to get things going NOW.

A couple in our prep group started the process days after their second BC was born (our LA is quite unorthodox in some ways!). When their youngest turned two, they finished it, and were then ready to adopt a baby. What I'm saying here is, there are also options of building delays into the process. So if you start now, do stage 1, then wait (up to six months) then do stage 2, then you may have a wait for a good match, then you wouldn't be that far off those 2 years when finances will get easier for you.

Welcome climbamountain.

How do you feel about not having a birth child? You really need to resolve all those feelings and know you position. Your DH has a birth child and so the question is for you really.

How have you coped with the anxiety? Is it in the past and how do you feel now? The social workers will want to see you have managed to cope/overcome it or whatever. I had anxiety and am now an adopter.

64x32x24 Tue 29-Apr-14 14:45:56

I agree that you have to be clear about your feelings regarding not having birth children. SW will probably quiz you on that. You will also have to explain why adoption is your first choice (which is not the same question).

However the question does kind of irritate me (a little). If someone really wants to have children, and would prefer to adopt over having birth children (but would have birth children if they couldn't adopt), they have to do all that explaining and justifying. Whereas if someone else really wants to have children, and would prefer to have birth children over adoption (but would adopt if they couldn't have birth children); no-one goes and tells them to become certain about their feelings regarding potentially never being able to adopt, before they start trying to conceive.

climbamountain Tue 29-Apr-14 15:22:42

Thankyou for your replies

64x32.. thats exactly what I mean and much better worded

Yes I am definately certain I would like a family and have a child. I am certain I would be happy to adopt and never have a birth child. I work with child with sn some of which are lac. I also volunteer as a befriender for a lac. I prefer older children to babies.

I think having a family is more important to me than the money and may compromise by applying in a year to start the process.

My anxiety is fine is well controlled no medication ever needed and I have had counselling but there is one episode in.my medical notes from over 10 years ago when I had to go to a and e due to taking too many paracetamol. I would be worried i would nt be able to demonstrate i would never do this again which I woukdnt.

64x32x24 Tue 29-Apr-14 21:51:13

You could call First4Adoption and ask them if they think any of your worries would constitute a major problem. You could also call your LA adoption team (or a few of them) and discuss the same; just tell them you are considering adoption, but would a, b and c potentially rule you out? I am sure adoption teams are quite used to people coming back to them quite a while after their first contact. You wouldn't be committing to anything.
Of course you can just as well do these things in a year! I'm just suggesting them as they may help reassure you and calm your mind.

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