pregnant with twins, thinking about adoption

(29 Posts)
fb70 Mon 21-Apr-14 21:01:46

This is my first time posting on this site. I am after some non-judgmental advice, hopefully from others who have been in a similar situation.

I am 37, single and 34 weeks pregnant with twins. I did not find out I was pregnant with twins until I was 15 weeks, at which point I could not go through with an abortion.

The father of the children has been no help at all; we split up shortly after I found out I was pregnant, I would like him to be involved and have tried to reach out to him but to no avail. I organised a meeting with him several weeks ago and after an amicable discussion, after which I felt that we were finally getting somewhere, he sent me a torrent of abusive text messages. I have avoided initiating any contact with him since.

I do not have any other children, have a full time job and family can only offer limited support (for which I am grateful). I have contacted the local children's centre and have an appointment to look around and see what they have to offer in terms of support but I do not feel in any way prepared or emotionally equipped to deal with looking after two babies.

I feel that I could manage one baby on my own with limited support but two just feels like too much. I do not feel any strong 'bond' with my unborn children, although I feel duty bound to protect them. People say this will change after the birth but I am worried. I get a lot of comments about how 'amazing' it is that I am having twins but of course none of these people will be around to help out.

I am thinking that adoption for both of them might be a good option but I am scared about talking to the maternity services at the hospital in case matters are taken out of my hands.

Has anyone given up children voluntarily for adoption? There seems to be no information available, only stories about people who have had forced adoptions.

Any advice would be gratefully received, and yes, I know I have 'messed up' and I am probably very selfish in my concerns, so please refrain from pointing it out.

Thanks in advance.

MarthasHarbour Mon 21-Apr-14 21:09:54

flowers

I couldnt just read this and run. I have no experience or advice to offer, but i just wanted to say that i have only half an idea of how overwhelmed you must be feeling.

I am certain more experienced advice will follow from other mumsnetters - however from what i understand if you speak to your midwife/social worker and state everything of what you have posted, that they will work with you and not against you, with a view to you keeping your babies, or one baby, or none at all if that is how you feel after the birth.

Adoption is not what it was 30-40 years ago, my friend has just adopted a child and said that the social workers will move heaven and earth to keep children with their families if that is what the family wants. You will be offered counselling and support.

As i say my 'advice' is anecdotal (ie second hand from my friend). Regardless of what everyone thinks, you might form an immediate bond when babies are born or you may not. Only you can know this.

Good luck with everything flowers

FamiliesShareGerms Mon 21-Apr-14 21:11:34

Sorry I don't have any brilliant advice except to say that there have been a few similar threads on the adoption board, so if you can use the search facility properly (I can't) you might find something helpful.

Otherwise, have you sought help from somewhere like TAMBA who could help work through the feelings pf being overwhelmed?

schmee Mon 21-Apr-14 21:18:43

I can't offer any advice on adoption but I do have twins (and a singleton) so if you would like any advice on having twins then let me know. I cared for mine 90 per cent on my own (although financial support wasn't an issue for me) and know a single mother of twins.

odyssey2001 Mon 21-Apr-14 21:30:27

No advice but the situation is that, if you did go through with giving them up for adoption, you would be relinquishing them. Within adoption, they are preferred to as relinquished babies". A search for that (on Google, Adoption UK, Mumsnet etc may provide you with more information.

Be warned, you may find much of it is from adopter's perspectives (and that relinquished babies can be quite a controversial topic due to the greyness of the legal situation).

All the best.

odyssey2001 Mon 21-Apr-14 21:31:57

Sorry, referred to as "relinquished babies" not preferred to. Darn autocorrect.

Spottybra Mon 21-Apr-14 21:34:38

Speak to the children's centre, your midwife and ask for a family support worker. There are people out there who understand and know about multiple births. They will help you make a desicion.

custardcream1000 Mon 21-Apr-14 21:38:43

Sorry, I don't have any helpful advice, but couldn't read and run.

I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling at the moment. It must be very confusing having so many mixed emotions and very little support, all of which is exacerbated by the fear of the unknown.

You are certainly not selfish, if anything you sound like a great parent already for considering the future of your twins and trying to work out what will give them the best future.

I just wanted to reiterate what a pp said and assure you that discussing your feelings with health professionals (mw/hv/ss) will not result in the decision being taken out of your hands.

I think it's great that you are going to meet with one of the hv's at the CC - please tell them how you are feeling as I think it would really help you to discuss your feelings/fears/hopes with someone impartial. They will try to help you understand all of the options available to you, or put you in the direction of someone more informed; and hopefully give you information aabout additional support services that may be available to you.

I hope everything becomes clearer over the coming weeks and you find the support you need in reaching this tough decision x

ivykaty44 Mon 21-Apr-14 21:39:18

I Would ask your midwife if there are or is other single parents of twins that you could talkto, someone who had been through this and knows what it is like.

I was single from three months but to a single baby and a six year old so I can't imagine how over whelmed you must feel

Polkadotpatty Mon 21-Apr-14 22:04:19

Would it help to think about the different people, groups or other things that might combine to give you support? It's rare that all the support you need comes from one person, and I can really understand that twins arriving soon is making you think about how this will all work! Identifying your own support network can be a bit of a leap of imagination if working full-time now, and if you don't yet have particular friends with young children. It's great that there is some family support for you, and that there's realism about the fact that's limited. Would it help to think about other places or people who might all be able to contribute a little, to combine to support you? Are there young mums groups locally, or is there a local group of TAMBA? Maybe your library or GP has details of what's on offer near you?

What comes over really strongly is how hard you're trying to "find the right thing" - I'm very confident that your own instincts and your courage will guide you thanks

People do choose to relinquish babies, and when that's the case, it is not an immediate no-going-back decision. There is time, for you to adjust and recover, and to reflect on the right decision. There are various stages to the decision, and it's not something to be rushed.

Take care of yourself.

HeyBungalowBill Mon 21-Apr-14 22:26:24

Where abouts are you from OP? Hope you don't mind me asking.

I know you will most likely be very scared and worried but I think if deep down you want these babies but are just afraid of the practicalities then speak as much as you can to midwives etc. to get as much help and support as possible.

Are you worried about affording things for them too? I'd be more than willing to give you anything I have that could help.

Also as a previous poster has said she knows a single parent with twins, maybe try swap email addresses to talk about this?

Best wishes OP, I really hope it all works out for you x

fasparent Mon 21-Apr-14 23:54:29

Relinquishing children at birth is the correct statement, though think you should seek support and advice , you are hesitant as you say you have concerns of the future of your children. Have experienced other mum's in your situation, can say that which way the result was I feel their emotions were the same relinquished or not these will be with you for life (as are with me). You do need help and advice, also you have a clouded domestic situation which is not helpful for you at this very difficult time. Do not think you have messed up in anyway at all , more like you are vulnerable feel let down and need someone too share and talk through what you have going through. Wish you all the best X

fasparent Tue 22-Apr-14 00:43:36

If you Google " Relinquishing children at birth you will see CAFCASS protocol, guidance for adoption. Very complicated would need also fathers sighed consent, others family members may also be able too submit adoption applications, (Mother's or Father's relative's).
Have cooling off period of 6 weeks also may give 2 weeks notice too change of mind prior too Court approved of Adoption order.
Hope this is of use for you.

xalyssx Tue 22-Apr-14 01:07:22

When I was pregnant with DS1 I was unsure whether I would be able to care for him, so I contacted social services and started the process of putting him up for adoption. Everyone was so kind and helpful, they didn't push me at all. I did end up keeping him too, I went to stay with a foster carer who helped me, then I moved onto supported accommodation, and now I live with DS1, DP and soon DS2 will be home from hospital smile
Please feel free to contact me.

Hels20 Tue 22-Apr-14 06:42:22

Oh you poor thing. What turmoil you must be in. I have never been pregnant so don't know the effects of all those hormones rushing around your body. Don't think that just because you don't feel a bond at the moment, you aren't capable of feeling a bond once they are born.

I wonder if you should post on "ethical dilemmas" - I think there are threads on there about women saying they just can't cope with a/another child and want an abortion/want to give the child up for adoption - I know some people have gone through with it/some haven't. There is a lot of sensitive stuff on that.

There was a post here about someone in a similar situation to you.

I feel as though I don't know what to say and so I will leave it there, in case I upset you.

MerryInthechelseahotel Tue 22-Apr-14 10:08:55

fb70 I have sent you a pm

KristinaM Tue 22-Apr-14 11:50:32

I don't think you have messed up or that you are selfish. And I can also understand why the thought of two tiny babies is terrifying ( sorry, no offense to parents of twins ) . And I have survived several kids already.

Yes you can place them for adoption if you wish. The father will need to be approached by SS to give his consent and to see if he want to parent them himself or anyone in his immediate family woudl be interesting in adopting them .

But the first step woudl be to see if you can be supported to keep your babies, if that is what you wish.

You don't mention your home and work situation. Are you working?

kalidasa Tue 22-Apr-14 12:35:02

Goodness, what a situation. I don't think you are selfish at all, you are trying to work out the best solution here for everyone, you and the babies. You have rightly done your best to involve the father.

The only thing I can add is that I had a very stressful pregnancy for different reasons (serious illness throughout) and I didn't feel bonded with DS either. I had a lot of counseling after he was born and it is totally NORMAL not to bond with a baby/babies during pregnancy if you are under stress for other reasons, your mind and body are focusing on you rather than them for good pragmatic evolutionary reasons. I didn't bond with DS immediately either, I felt strongly protective but I didn't feel love for him to start with, that has taken quite a long time to build up gradually. This is also I understand completely NORMAL after a traumatic pregnancy.

Have you been in touch with Home Start? www.home-start.org.uk/

I know they offer practical hands-on help and support for parents and someone in your position would surely be top of their list.

mistlethrush Tue 22-Apr-14 12:46:01

I have a friend who had twins at 40 ish as a single mother. Her job meant that she could afford to get some support - such as an au pair etc. I know that she did struggle to balance motherhood and work - but it was what she wanted to do.

Twins are hard, there's no getting around that. Twins in a stable helpful relationship are hard, so twins on your own are going to be harder.
BUT twins on your own will be easier than in a bad relationship. Your babies are, realistically, going to be here pretty damn quickly, so don't devote a second of your mental energy to the father right now.

If you feel you could look after one baby, then honestly, you CAN look after two. You just need the right support, so shout and scream and jump up and down for it. Contact everyone you can think of - social services, TAMBA, home start, gingerbread. Family. Friends. Talk to your boss/HR. Don't be proud, don't put yourself down. If you decide that you would like to put one or both up for adoption I honestly would not judge you, but don't assume it as inevitable, or that you 'can't' cope.

hellymelly Tue 22-Apr-14 13:31:16

I agree with Twelve, that if you feel you could manage one baby, then you would be able to manage two. And that isn't intended at all to diminish your stress and worry now, I don't have twins, but I do know how hard it can be coping with a baby and toddler alone (my dH was often away with work). I would be posting differently if you really didn't want a baby at all, but as that doesn't seem to be the case, then I completely echo Twelve and other posters, call in all the help you can, work out financially what you can afford in terms of childcare, and work towards getting financial support from the father too. Really hope it works out for you.

beccajoh Tue 22-Apr-14 13:35:50

Re bonding - I never bonded with either of my babies before they were born. They were little annoyances who kept me awake at night and squished my bladder. I didn't feel like I could bond or love someone I didn't know. I had a bit of an issue with PND after my first was born but that was due to traumatic birth and hating breastfeeding. I couldn't imagine life without them now.

Big hugs as you sound so strung out. Whatever decision you come to please seek support whilst making this decision. HV, social services will want to help you not condem you xx

siiiiiiiiigh Tue 22-Apr-14 13:48:18

Have you voiced any of this to your MW? They can be so helpful, no matter what you decide to do.

namechangesforthehardstuff Tue 22-Apr-14 20:11:27

Can I say I don't think HVs or MWs have the training for this and you should speak to your doctor. Good luck smile

AshleyFallon Sun 18-May-14 18:34:22

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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