meeting birth parents

(15 Posts)
MissFenella Tue 08-Apr-14 09:19:52

any top tips?

Am going to take some paintings and have a photo taken of us but does anyone have a good ice breaker? I want her to feel at ease.

odyssey2001 Tue 08-Apr-14 13:25:01

First question we asked was why they called your child what they did. It was a great ice breaker for us.

crazeekitty Tue 08-Apr-14 14:51:48

I asked what they wanted to know.

Do you have a sw present? S/he should guide it.

cedar12 Tue 08-Apr-14 17:16:16

I met ds birth mum and was so nervous! I am sure she was too. I had a s/w from the adoption team with me and she lead the meeting. Bm had ds s/w with her to support her.
I asked what she enjoyed doing as a child and any interests she had now. I also asked what ds birth was like, which she described in great detail. Our sw was great and there was no differcult silences she kept the conversation going.
I found it a very positive experience and hopefully so did she. If ds ask more about her when he is older hopefully I can answer some of his questions and I hopefully it put her mind at rest. Also it really helps when writing the letter box contact to have a feel who you are writing to.
Good luck I am sure you will have a sw with you who will help the conversation flow.

MooseyMouse Tue 08-Apr-14 18:15:10

We bought some Crayola Model Magic. Sort of like air-drying clay but it's light like foam. Anyway we did our son's hand print for her.

Good luck. I'm so glad we met our son's birth mum.

GirlsWhoWearGlasses Tue 08-Apr-14 19:58:54

Our meeting with BPs was really positive.

You could ask if they have any hopes and dreams for the wee one growing up. Ask about where their parents and grandparents were from.

I asked for advice before our meeting and I got great advice if you want to search for that.

OurMiracle1106 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:10:52

For me I met my sons adoptive parents. As soon as she saw me she was emotional and asked for a hug. It will be hard for you as it was for me but very worth while.

MissFenella Thu 10-Apr-14 22:34:00

It was really good. Thanks for all your advice

GirlsWhoWearGlasses Sat 12-Apr-14 07:00:15

Glad it went well

If and when you feel ready, please, could you pass on any tips MissFenella. We would so much like to meet our new son's bps.

OurMiracle1106 Sun 13-Apr-14 08:27:43

Can I just advise take tissues. Social services never seem to have any or ours don't (which seeing as they tell you it's likely to be very emotional seems a bit stupid they have none tbh)

Showing your emotions is nothing to be sorry for.

MissFenella Sun 13-Apr-14 21:49:54

No problem ItalianG.

She was really nervous and couldn't think of any questions so I gave her an update on each DD and she soon started joining in with yes, she used to do that with me and that gave me an opening to ask some questions quite naturally. Then the flow seemed quite natural and she told us about her hopes for the girls.

So its a good idea I think to have a little rehearsal of what you want to say about the child. How tall they are, what they like doing, what makes them happy, what makes them sad, do they have friends etc

I didn't sugar coat it so she thought the girls were perfect either so I said things like, they have problems sleeping and worry a lot about loud noises and other bits that are a result of their initial care.

I gave her reassurance that if DDs wanted to find her when older I would support them and that we do talk about her at home and say she loves them but wasn't able to look after them.

I think those are the stand out bits.

I came home and told DDs I had met her and shared some information she had told me and they looked at the photo of us together. DD1 seems much happier.

AngelsWithSilverWings Sun 13-Apr-14 22:54:54

We asked about his name and about the day he was born. She was happy to tell us all about his birth and even told us which TV show she was watching when she went into labour!

We asked what things she used to like when she was young, what music she likes. Did she have any special talents or interests. Was there anything she wanted DS to to know about her.

We also asked about birth father as we had been given so little information about him but she was very vague about that.

It was very emotional. We had had our first ever meeting with our DS that morning and then went straight to the family centre to meet BM. I kept crying and she had to leave the room to compose herself a couple of times.

The main thing she wanted to know was that we would love him. Her parting words to us were "you'd better love him"

It was heartbreaking really. Such a young girl who had been through so much. DS was her third child taken into care. I really felt for her.

Thanks so much for sharing MissFenella and Angelsilver.

Expatmomma Fri 25-Apr-14 05:27:04

Can I turn the around.

As a now grown up adopted child these are the things I would love to have been to as a child/teen/young adult...

How my name was chosen
How did the bio parents met.
The story of my birth.
What time I was born at (I had to wait 32 years to know at what time of day I was born).
Who came to see me when I was born.
Who did I look like.
Do the BP have brothers/sisters.
Did I have bio siblings.
Where did the BP grow up.
What was the BP good at (can be simple like drawing, singing etc)... Will help answer there question where did I get my gift for art from.

Hope this helps.

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