Meeting biological parents

[BeyondTheSea]

Does anyone have any experience of this. I am planning to meet my biological mother after not seeing her since I was 13 (over 20 years ago). Long back story and there was lots of attempts at unwanted contact (on their part) over the years. Lots of unresolved issues, but in recent years began to feel differently about contact. I started writing to them over 2 years ago and the communication has gone well, sadly biological dad died last year, but I am planning to meet B mum soon.

[SolidGoldBrass]

No, but I was adopted. I am still dithering about whether I should make contact or not TBH. So I know a bit about how you feel. Really just wanted to wish you luck.

[Italiangreyhound]

Good luck BeyondTheSea, I really hope it goes well.

Have you had any counselling etc or have you got any support?

No idea if this charity would be useful but just in case it is

www.afteradoption.org.uk/are-you-adopted-adult-or-birth-relative

[BeyondTheSea]

Thank you.

Had some counselling a few years ago (have to say wasn't that great). The same people have been the letter contact, they have given some advice but really not much re meeting up. I have felt at times that they are more interested in the case than us as people. They have said, we could meet in their offices with someone present or arrange it between ourselves. I did think there would be more of a formal process but it appears not.
Am veering to meeting just the two of us.

[Pawprint]

Hi Beyond - my mum was adopted in the 1940s. She was just a few weeks old and her parents were unmarried. They were forced to give her up - against their wishes. Very sad.

My mum had a happy life with her adoptive family and didn't want to make contact with her birth family. However, soon after the death of her mum (her dad died many years earlier), she received a letter from an adoption society informing her that someone from her family wanted to make contact.

The upshot of this is that contact was made and the reunion was successful. My mum is now happily reunited with her siblings and her mother. Her dad died a long time ago so she didn't meet him.

What my mum would say is this (I have discussed this with her) -

If possible, coordinate the meeting through a professional whose expertise is in reuniting birth families.

Think carefully about what you want from the meeting - do you want to ask them questions or do you just want to see how things go during the conversation? Where would you meet? How would you feel if the meeting did not go well?

Obviously, your situation is different to mum's - you spent 13 years with her and obviously there was trauma of some sort that led to you being removed. You mention that you have unresolved issues. I would recommend talking through these with a professional prior to meeting, tbh, as it may help you approach them with your birth mother when/if you meet her.

Good luck.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Hello all.

My bm died quite young and I don't know who my bd is.
However, by pure coincidence I found my birth family and made contact.
This was good and I'm glad I did it, but have very little contact with them now.
It was lovely meeting people who looked like me and they welcomed me to their home, but that was it.

Please make sure you are at a good stage in your life. Even though you may feel prepared for whatever you may find out, you can still be taken unaware. I am very strong, have a huge network of support but hearing a particular piece of information broke my heart and it was a fact I will never get over as long as I live.
In your situation Op I strongly advise some mediation, please don't go it alone.
Here's hoping it goes well for you, good luck

[KristinaM]

Yes I met my birth father in my 20s- and my birth mum when I was about 30.

I agree with what everyone else has said. Even if you don't want to use an intermediary, I would go with a friend or partner, someone you can trust to stay in the background but be there for you.

Id meet in a public place, so you can leave when you want. And just meet BM plus one other person, not the whole family. Don't agree to more than one meeting, just see how it goes and make decisions afterwards. Assume it will be very emotional and don't have anything stressful after it for a few days , you will have a lot to think about.

Have you spoken on the phone or just written?

[BeyondTheSea]

Thanks so much for the replies everyone, I had very limited contact with them until I was 13, it's a really long and complicated story, but I wasn't removed from them as such, they placed me in foster care as they were v young and in middle of studies but never intended for it to be permanent. However, there were some emotional difficulties (attachment/separation etc) and it was judged I was better placed with the foster family and from about the age of 5 did not see them much. To be balanced, the biological families actions were not always calm and measured and this went against them when the decision was made about who I should stay with.
Contact stopped as I was adopted at 13 (this was against biological family's wishes). They never stopped trying to have a relationship with me but I was a bit brainwashed my adoptive mum (and actually our relationship was not great but I did mainly what pleased her for a quiet life). She died last year, but in the couple of years before she died, I started to see how manipulative she was.

We have just had letter contact, monthly.
I'm really not sure what to do now, the post adoption agency we have been using have not been that helpful re the meeting up. BM has said she will come on her own, I was thinking of doing the same and finding somewhere quiet where we could meet for coffee.

What do I want - god I guess I want a mum, but I am not expecting one (not sure explaining this well). I have never had a positive maternal figure in my life. I know that expectation is to much, but maybe we would get on and meet for coffee and cake every few months?
There are some positive signs, for example in my letters I mentioned I was unsure about RTW (I have 2 small children) and she was very sympathetic and supportive. It made me cry. I am so sad I didn't get to see my dad again. I want to try and have a relationship with my mum before it's too late.

I'm in a mess aren't I?

[Angelwings11]

You are not a mess, but this is obviously stirring some underlining emotions. Have you looked at the organisation called 'after adoption'? They are supposed to be very good in circumstances like yours and will support and advise you appropriately. Here is the link www.afteradoption.org.uk

Wishing you well.

[KristinaM]

No, you are not a mess. Your life has been quite complicated, through no fault of your own. It's quite normal to feel like this, it's a big step you are about to take. Of course you are feeling mixed up!