I really need some fresh resources, ideas, suggestions for good books...
dd2 is now 4 and delightful, she really is. I wouldn't say we're in crisis, not by a long chalk. But her emerging issues are becoming increasingly evident and my responses are not helping - in fact, I think I'm making it worse.
She is very full on, needs constant attention. She has huge anxiety about being left - we never go out as a couple because she won't tolerate a babysitter, and she still sleeps with one of us every night. She is very loving and sweet, but also has real problems managing her temper. At 2 and 3 I told myself that this was probably normal, but I no longer think it is. I watch her on this cycle of building up her temper, usually resulting in tantrums or in physically attacking her sister (who she really loves). Sometimes, if I have a spare half an hour with nothing else to do (not often!) I can divert this by giving her my undivided attention, reading a book with her or something. But otherwise there comes a point where I snap and get cross with her. She doesn't stop until I do.
Time out is a complete no no - I discovered that the hard way - so I tend to do some time in, just to protect her sister if nothing else. Usually I take her to the kitchen and hold her on my lap till she 'calms down'. But that calming down only happens AFTER she works herself into a frenzy, thrashing around in my lap, until eventually the storm is spent and she's in tears.
It feels like she NEEDS to reach that complete frenzy, that it's cathartic for her, and that she lacks any other way to calm herself down. Meanwhile, I have a hot temper at the best of times - and it's rarely the best of times when I'm knackered, sleep-deprived and raising two demanding children while working a FT demanding job. So often it ends with everyone shouting - I feel like she wants and needs me to get to that point so that she can cry and be comforted, but ultimately I'm reinforcing this pattern by doing so.
dp doesn't have quite this pattern with her - she's not a big shouter, and she says dd doesn't act so much like this with her. I think this is partly true, and there is a dynamic between me and dd, though I also think that dp tolerates a lot of bad behaviour from dd2 and expects dd1 to just put up with it (and be hit).
As I say, we're not at crisis point. dd2 is lovely, we all love each other, and she's doing really well at school. But I really want to tackle this dynamic while she's still young (and not seriously hurting people). This morning was worse than usuall: all before breakfast, she got hugely worked up, whacked her sister in the face with the TV remote, then thought about what would happen if she accidentally killed dd1 and went completely hysterical, screaming, "I can't live without her, I can't cope without her."
Please, can someone more experienced give advice, or suggest books you found particularly helpful?
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.
Adoption
What I'm doing isn't working
Devora · 17/02/2014 12:06
the explosive child by Greene is another good book but I only read that recently 
it would have been an eye opener earlier.
Sometimes picking your battles helps too. I remember dd used to have a tantrum at every meal. My sister (not the most patient mother, also of three) said, with the perspective that only being a aunty could provide, she finds sitting at the table with everyone stressful. Just give her supper in the room next door, not as a punishment but as a special thing. Let her associate meals with calm and comfort, then bring her back after a few meals to the family table. So we gave her a supper on a little tray, spoke kindly to her, left her in peace, didn't complain if she didn't eat something. It made such a difference. Cortisol was suppressing her appetite, and she couldn't imagine taking a bite, hence the tantrums and refusing to eat. All changed when the cortisol effect receded, and she was able to eat and then not be hungry and angry because she was hungry.
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Oh Devora, I've no words of wisdom but just want to say sorry you're all having such a bad time at the minute. 
This parenting lark is fucking .hard at times.
Be good to yourself.
another book I've read recently, and this was because a friend was dealing with the fallout from her violent teenager (who incidentally had had these issues from age 3 . On the surface there was no reason for her child to be violent, he was talented, NT, at a lovely school, kind caring parents, siblings he adored and day to day a charming boy when you meet him. But he was extremely frustrated by something and the situation got worse and worse.
She read this book called Non Violent Resistance, which explains how you can "intervene" to give a child back security and prevent them being violent. The parents are key, the child doesn't have to even agree.
I think in most cases violent reactions are an expression of anxiety or panic, or they can be an attempt to control the parents, because that is the best way the child knows to deal with his anxiety. The book explains how you can break the cycle of shame that violent actions bring, when you are ashamed that your child is violent and they are ashamed too, and often people don't dare ask for help or to admit it is happening for fear they will be thought bad parents for getting angry and frustrated with their child (in escalation situations) or that their child will be thought bad. It also talks about the social network (the real one I mean); how communities are invaluable for supporting children and parents and preventing this sort of dynamic; how often parents feel isolated and this increases their helplessness and their perception of their child's controlling nature. Once lots of neighbours and friends and relatives are involved, and commit themselves to help and support and in some cases prevent violence by just being around, the child will have less need to control, and be less anxious.
It is a pretty taxing read but very very interesting.
she sounds like a complex mixture of my eldest 3 children so I really do empathise
with DS1 we used to send him out to run round the garden 5 times, or bounce on his space hopper or punch a pillow in his bedroom - that would allow him to reach his 'peak' in a safe way
with DS2 he could take a whole day to get me to breaking point - if I managed to get through bedtime still calm you could guarantee that the bed would be wet and pooey pretty swiftly or something similar to get me to shouting point. I actually learnt in the end that it was easy to get 'angry' with him sooner rather than later - it was like he needed to know there was a boundary. So I would put my foot down and get clearly irate but calm early on in the build-up and then we could move on with things. But I still remember the 8 pairs of poo-ey pants before 9am one morning 
with DD1 she will dramatise and worse-case-scenario anything, 4 was the worst age - regular 3 hour tantrums and she would hurt herself by flinging herself around during them. If I tried cuddling her through them or being round her then she would wee on me! Something that really helped at that age was to give her a 'tantrum spot' - a place she could go to if she wanted to have a tantrum. We had a regular spot in the house and would just pick a quiet corner if we were out and about. I would calmly lead her there and say 'if you want to have a tantrum, have it here'. Now (age 7) she is sent to her room and knows that when she is calm there is a cuddle waiting for her. Her room is her 'safe' space and away from everyone else so she can work it all out.
I know with the anxiety that it is difficult but it also sounds like you need some space and time together as a couple and with her younger sister. We worked up from leaving our lot for 10-15 minutes to eventually managing evenings out and even a weekend or 2 away. We have built a strong community around our kids (it's taken time and effort and has weeded out a lot of fair-weather friends) so that there are a number of people they trust and places they feel safe.
Oh Devora my love - I could have written this virtually word for word about DS. And as you know he is the most amazing, lively, funny, lovely child ever created 
so I do understand what you mean about it not being a crisis yet but its exhausting and you do worry about what it means for them as they get older. We didn't have the added dynamic of a sibling to deal with so probably slightly easier for me.
I will apply my great brain later today when I have a few minutes and probably give you no real advice at all but much empathy.
I think you probably already know that DS didn't sleep alone until he was 7 and the only advice I can give you about that is that if its manageable for you just keep doing it - its the least of your problems and my view was that DS really really needed it and I wish I'd done it earlier.
I also decided this summer when his temper/anxiety was particularly bad that he was probably sensory seeking (I still think this but it seems to be worse when he's anxious). If you look at some of the links on other thread about sensory issues (particularly sensory seeking) some of them might ring a bell and might help calm some of her anxieties - lava lamps, heavy blankets, just an acceptance that she needs to be "anchored" to you physically (thats my description not a professional one!).
I also hate to tell you this.... but things didn't start to improve until I changed and became a zen master in the art of calm - no I don't always achieve that bit but it did help enormously.
Will come back to this later.
Thank you, Swanhilda. It's not an option to hope she'll grow out of it anymore, not least because she is so distressed herself by the whole thing. Increasingly, we talk about the 'difficult feelings' when she's angry. She gets hugely upset, particularly about hurting her beloved sister, and cries that she doesn't know what to do, she can't stop it and she can't bear it. She's only 4, poor little mite .
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
I completely agree with Kew that it is very important to see that the issues are real, and not just keep trying to deal with it as if it is a normal phase and hoping that firm boundaries, pull yourself together, don't let her get away with it stuff is going to work. Because I don't think that works at all, if anything it can make things worse.
I think roadwalker 's story about the crochet sums it up. Just expecting them to behave well isn't to to give them the skills to behave well.
I think I worked it out in fits and starts, how to deal better with dd. For example I began to understand that putting her to bed involved a lot more cuddling and being "present" than the boys needed. If it meant lying down next to her for an hour before she went to sleep, that's what she needed aged 6. If it meant carrying her to school aged 4 because she didn't want to walk, that's what she needed. People laughed at me for carrying her to school or putting her in a pushchair at that age...why are you carrying her, she's four years old fgs 
But I did it, and within a few months she didn't need that anymore. I had given her what she wanted, which was reassurance and safety at pickup and drop off. So I can see ways I did improve our relationship, and intervened in a positive way, just that I didn't really tackle it to its fullest extent (as I said..the stuff about playing listening and involving her in day to day decisions about her existence - that was stuff I didn't do hoping the problems would resolve themself and she would miraculously become much easier to handle. Not the case)
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.