prumarth Personally, I think different things work with different kids. As others have said! But I typed that last night and could not get it to post! As these threads are often people who have a child who joined the family by adoption I would say parenting styles will vary and will be more on the 'attachment' style of parenting (not necessary adoption attachment but attachment parenting style for anyone or as is sometimes called positive parenting).
I personally feel children can learn from rewards and consequences.
In theory children learn that life has rewards and consequences! Sadly, for many people being good in life does not always get the reward one would hope for and being 'bad' does not always have a bad consequence, but in ideal world things would be fairer!
I personally think some rewards can change the core behaviour in that it can be an incentive, if you do this a different way you get this; if you like it is a kind of bonus scheme. It worked for us for big areas like getting our daughter to stay in her own bed, she got a sticker whenever she did and then a cinema trip one the page was full of stickers. I think the habit of staying in her bed to try and get the stickers changed how she behaved and eventually it became habit. Our DD did not join our family through adoption so I am not sure how well these things would work with a child who did join our family through adoption.
What we did differently to most reward charts, on the advice of the Family Links Nurturing course, which is the course that goes with the Parenting Puzzle book, is that we had a starry sky or rather a black piece of paper and she got a gold star each time. She got to choose where it got stuck on, and so there was no sense of failing one day because a box was not checked or ticked or stickered. We also tried having starry skies for us as parents and she got to award us stars for good things. She liked this at first but quickly bored of it! Don’t think I ever got my actual reward treat!
Whether she would have come around to that behaviour or not, I don't know. I think maybe she made the effort to stay in her own bed for the reward or incentive and then found that it became a habit, for her (and for us) a good habit. We did something similar with toilet training.
Yes, I also believe that rewards and punishments are two sides to the same coin; we might call that coin carrot and stick.
I think when you say .. he believes praising children for things has a negative impact on children's esteem - so don't say "you're an amazing artist" when they draw a picture but say something like "the mountains in that picture are very tall - what gave you the interesting idea to draw that" for example." Really that is still praising a child but in a more meaningful way, you are pointing out what you like about their picture, it is really praise but it is probably a much better way as children can't quite so easily discount your opinion....
E.G. 'I love your picture.' Children can think 'so what, I don't care what you think'
Or 'It's very good.' Child could think 'yes but how is it good?'
Where as...'...the mountains in that picture are very tall - what gave you the interesting idea to draw that" for example.'
Gives a child something to work with... and something to think about and answer rather than just receive praise.
I agree that vague praise like 'good boy' or 'good girl' could be unhelpful, what did they do to get that praise! It could be confusing. With some children you may need to be really clear about what is good, or what is unhelpful behaviour etc.
Yes, I agree that charts etc could lead to children being de-motivated and sometimes disruptive. I think if you are judging all children by the same yard stick it can lead to children being very, very unhappy! But having said this appropriate encouragement for children would be helpful.
The best encouragement of all is the way that some children can learn to do things which are positive for themselves and others and get pleasure from that, and if they are always getting rewards and incentives for everything it could 'kill off' the child's ability to recognise the genuine feel good factor of doing something good for themselves or others.
So, your questions-
- do you agree / disagree with the principle that rewards are only temporarily productive but don't change core behaviours - Not necessarily but I do think try and use them sparingly, and make rewards things which are quite affirming in themselves like active treats (going out and doing something together, maybe things that cost money like going swimming or cinema or time at the park, extra time at the park etc) so they really are a reward). Never food (chocs and sweets as rewards - bad bad move - NEVER IMHO!
praise - praise is good, but it needs to be true (not made up), realistic, and ideally tangible stuff they can relate to (IMHO)
- what techniques would you utilise to encourage a certain behaviour if not through rewards or incentives
I am all ears!
- does your school use reward systems and have they been beneficial or detrimental to your child
Marble treat jar and a party once it is full, DD is very happy when this happens BUT personally for
me as a child I was the kid who lost points for the team from spelling and I hated it! As much as possible I think positive ways of finding progress and good in all children is better than some vague points for all. I also feel children should
never lose points for their team or group and there should be no set up that failing to get points = losing points.
I must emphasise these answers are as someone who has not yet adopted. My replies may be different in a year or two!
