Facebook shamashbook!

(26 Posts)

I have been on facebook for about 7 years and have lots of friends, including people I do not know very well at all, e.g. friends or colleagues of friends or colleagues, I uses it for work to kind of network in the early days in the charity sector.

I don't post pictures of my dd and don't even usually mention her by name. I don't boast about her achievements etc, I feel facebook is for me not really family.

I post stuff about human rights, petitions, and also funny photos! I use it to connect to people by messages etc and have found it helpful and not a pain so far.

Now we are adopting I am wondering if I need to change.

I think my settings are secure but I worry that the Internet is out there, for ever, and no matter how secure it is I do worry (I am a worrier!).

I am not sure whether I should:

A) Stay on as I am

B) Come off altogether

C) Come off and start again with no photos and only inviting those real friends to be friends, not those extra people (approximately a third are friends, a third are acquaintances and a third are friends or colleagues of friends or colleagues - as I say I did use it for work to network in the early days in the charity sector)

D) Stay on but change by:
Remove people I don't really know
Removing my photo from my page
Removing photos of dd (there are only about 2 or 3 there because I don't post photos of her and don't want to and won't once we adopt we won't of our new child. But a few friends have linked to dd's photo)
Remove old posts
Remove references to dd's name

Don't want to do A (feel it is not quite as secure as I would like) or B (I would miss it, it is a useful way to stay in touch with friends and most of all by the time the kids - plural- henhe - are on facebook then I want to know what it is all about) . So that leaves C or D.

Can I also ask what you did regarding facebook if it came along before you adopted.

Thanks so much.

MrsBW Sat 08-Feb-14 17:54:49

Watching with interest...

I'm thinking I'll continue to use it but never mention children.

I'll speak to friends/family at events and ask them not to put photos online.

Be interesting to see what others do.

Hels20 Sat 08-Feb-14 17:58:35

Sorry- can't help. I have never used Facebook.

But I may have to join when DS joins - although am hoping it will be a new fad by then...

MrsDeVere Sat 08-Feb-14 17:58:56

Facebook is a bloody nightmare.
Birth family knows who we are an where we live anyway but I rarely put photos of DS up in case they find their way to birth mum. Not because I don't want her to know what he looks like but because I don't want her posting the photos on her own dodgy webpages.

I think the adoption world is getting more savvy about facebook and the internet generally but when this first came up for us about 4 years ago the social workers were utterly clueless.

They didn't know what we were talking about. I hope the knowledge has improved.

Daisybell1 Sat 08-Feb-14 18:21:06

I'm not an adopter but lurk here a lot. Could you keep Facebook for your network/sharing in the same way you do now, and set up a skydrive or similar die for sharing photos of you all with family and very close friends? It might also be possible to change your Facebook settings so that you can't be tagged in pics...

Lilka Sat 08-Feb-14 18:44:28

I'd stay on it if you use it, but never mention your adopted child by name, no photos, and perhaps remove photos of your older DD.

Make sure your security settings are as high as they can be, and make sure your profile and cover photos don't have faces in them

You can use different methods to share photos with family
Make sure family know that on no account must photos of your children be shared or placed online by them

If you do that, you should be fine. I may have many bad things to say about Facebook and adopted children (!!) but I also have some good things, and I haven't stopped using it myself. I find a lot of funny and interesting things on there and my relatives use it so keeping up with their lives is really easy with FB. also Candy Crush blush

The issue is making it so you and your child's FB profiles can't be tracked down in the first place (or at least make it nearly impossible). If you do that, then there shouldn't be any problems for you. By the time your adopted DC is a teenager I expect FB will have totally replaced by other things (already all the teens are using other social media as much or more than FB). Then the big issue is not being tracked down, but internet safety, cyber bullying and all the other social media issues parents now have to tackle

MrsBW hi hope all is well.

Hels20 I joined it really (if I am honest) because I knew one day DD would be on it. She was very young then and it was not so popular, if it dies out I think it will be replaced by something else!

* MrsDeVere* how lovely to hear from you, I remember your posts from my very early days in these threads!

* Daisybell1* we don't need to share photos, photos is not something I worry about. In our lives the people who really matter to our family see us often enough (I know it is not the same for all). I will see if it is possible to not be tagged in photos, good idea.

Lilka I can change stuff.

I guess my key question is do I strip away those things already there - my photo on the front page, the fact my job is mentioned, lose all those people I don't really know. OR do I just shut that account down, but before doing so access my best pals and tell them to move to a new account set up?

I could then start afresh with no photos at all and no extra info?

It would also mean I didn't have the embarrassment of de friending people! I could just say I was stopping using facebook for a while, and tell those I wanted to keep hold of that I was starting again, baggage free! Or am I being paranoid!

mrsballack Sat 08-Feb-14 19:11:50

My Facebook is the same as always. My photos are there as is the company I work for. Most of my friends are proper friends, work colleagues or ex colleagues who are spread around the world.

I do not mention by name the kids, nor do I post photos. Tbh, I feel a bit sad that I'm not able to share that part of my life in the same way that others do but I understand why I can't.

We did not meet the birth parents if that makes a difference.

Thebluedog Sat 08-Feb-14 19:15:43

We've talked at length about Facebook on the adoption courses and with our social worker. It seems to be a source of contention between different people in the adoption arena.

Although I do use facebook, I only use it for my hobbies and have my profile locked down. I'd never mention or post pics of my DD on there. My general rule of thumb this only to send electronic photos of my dd to very close family and friends. As once a picture is electronic and out there. It could go anywhere.

Although the birth parents only know us by out first names there is face recognition software out there that could be used to track down people.

Maiyakat Sat 08-Feb-14 19:17:59

I have Facebook on highest security settings, don't have my photo as profile pic, don't mention DD by name, have minimal identifying information in the 'about' section (no location, job title etc). It helps that I have a common name so would be difficult to track down! I think some people I don't have close contact with anymore were a bit confused as to why I was suddenly mentioning things such as Cbeebies!

People don't get told you've defriended them so you won't be offending anyone wink

Angelwings11 Sat 08-Feb-14 19:29:01

We use facebook. We do not however, post photographs nor have we even written her name in any posts. I think you must also consider other friends and relatives. We were very adamant that NO images etc were to be posted etc about AD and everyone has respected this.

namechangeobv Sat 08-Feb-14 19:33:59

The advantage of keeping your Facebook profile is that you can use it to police your friends and family posting/tagging photos of your dcs.

That's what dh uses ours for now - we don't want anything about dd (bc) online and we can't trust his bloody family

Shockers Sat 08-Feb-14 19:38:37

I do put photos of the DCs on my fb page, but their names were changed when we adopted (on the advice of SS), it was a long time after the adoption that I joined fb and I've never posted any baby/toddler photos. My privacy settings are the highest possible and BPs have no idea what we look like, or where we live.

If our circumstances were different, I would definitely think twice.

Meita Sat 08-Feb-14 20:57:41

The thing about FB is, you can't delete photos. You can only remove them from being shown on your timeline.
When you (or anyone) uploaded a photo, that photo became property of FB. They can keep it and use it for whatever they wish. When you 'delete' it, it isn't deleted, it is just no longer shown.

Some search functions within FB will turn up pictures that aren't shown anywhere anymore, or that people uploaded to secret, closed groups. If someone found a picture like that, it wouldn't be linked to your timeline, so that is a relief, but it would still be a problem if there were any identifying things on it (school uniform or such).

For this reason, I would NOT delete your account, but keep it and do all you can to make it as safe as possible. By keeping it, you don't lock yourself out; perhaps you can keep tabs on 'old' photos (photos you uploaded but 'deleted' from your timeline).
HTH.

Meita thanks, that is really helpful.

Thanks one and all.

Especially Meita for that really helpful advice. I think I still need to get rid of a whole heap of people who are not really friends. I also think I need to remove a whole lot of info.

I also feel I want to message people and explain why but then that kind of spreads the word more that we are adopting!

It feels like a catch 22!

Your words about photos not being deleted are really one reason why I have never wanted to share photos of my birth dd on facebook. I also feel that nothing is really secure or secret on facebook, the Internet so you need to be very careful it is is stuff you would not want to get out. Until now there has been little I would have really wanted to keep private but because we had fertility treatment with donor eggs a few years ago I did think that that was pretty much the first thing that really was private and I wanted to control who knew about it and who did not.

I think it is a bit of a nightmare but to be honest for me it does feel right to be on Facebook and to see what is going on. Otherwise when dd hits 16, or whatever age you can join it, then I would need to educate myself super fast! But it is not the same for everyone and of course not everyone will want to join it.

MyFeetAreCold Tue 11-Feb-14 11:34:29

I post back of head photos only (tbh, they move so damn quick thats pretty much all i take!), security setting are high, I usually use initials rather than names, don't have the kids in profile/cover pics and I use FB messages to send pics to close friends/family.

You can divide friends into friends and acquaintances and then choose to post only to friends and not to acquaintances. So you can hang on to all your extended network but they'll not see any new posts you post just to 'friends'. I like to think it looks to all my old school friends/colleagues like I just stopped using FB...

Thanks Coldfeet how do you do it so that only some get the posts?

MyFeetAreCold Tue 11-Feb-14 19:37:21

On your friends list there's a label next to everyone that says friends. If you hover on that you get to choose whether to make them a friend or an acquaintance or some other things. (For ex, you can make custom lists)

Then when you go to post something, below the box where you type the status there's a thingie (technical term) that lets you choose who you are sharing it with. Mine is 'Friends except acquaintances' by default.

Maryz Wed 12-Feb-14 00:47:58

I can't tell you how to use Facebook.

I can only tell you about dd's attitude to it. When she was younger and all her friends were starting on FB, she was very, very wary. She was terrified of posting anything identifiable, any photographs, any images that might link her to her school, her sports team, her guide group.

She had this image of one day coming out of school and having some stranger stand there and say "Hi dd, you are my daughter/grand-daughter/niece/whatever".

Once she was 16 she relaxed a bit, but still won't allow us to send photos to her birth family (which they are cross about, because we sent photos until she was about ten and asked us to stop".

And she still keeps her security very tight - photos to friends only, not that many friends. She gets pissed off every time FB change their settings, for fear someone will see her and identify her.

I know they are waiting until she is 18, and expect her to turn up on the morning of her birthday saying "I have my family back". She won't - she is happy as she is.

I'm not on Facebook. If I was I would have had to follow her rules.

Can you continue with a FB account, with no reference/photos/information about your children?

deakymom Wed 12-Feb-14 01:01:08

change your settings so your posts and pictures are only shared with yourself or yourself and a few select people ive done that with my photos and apart from my profile pic you cant see anything ive chosen not to share

MrsM2509 Thu 13-Feb-14 05:04:08

Facebooks a tricky One. I have deleted mines even though we are still in assessment process. If we don't get approved then I will go back on if I decide to.

I kept changing all my settings to being friends only, not allowing to be tagged, review all posts etc, however if I signed in through my work (hotel) page, then searched for my page (not friends) I'd be able to see loads on my page, so even though I changed it to be as private as could be, a lot of my stuff was still visible.

I then had a root around on google and found out (not sure if it's true so don't quote me) that if you signed up before the privacy settings came out in 2008/9, then you would never get your page 100% private. Which isn't good. It's a shame as I have a lot of friends dotted all over the place and it was a fab way to keep in touch.

I am sticking to using twitter now, at least if you set that to private, it really is private!

FamiliesShareGerms Fri 14-Feb-14 10:21:34

I haven't removed old posts and photos but have never posted a picture of DD, seldom post a picture of DS, and only ever refer to them by their first initial.

I have also pruned my friends list - no bad thing, as it had got too big and distant anyway (primary school friends, for eg).

I intended to come off FB when we first met DD, but to be honest I would never find out about pregnancies / engagements / promotions etc if I wasn't on there at all (sad as that is)

Peach123plum Fri 14-Feb-14 14:27:42

Found this link very useful. Knew fb would be issue if adopt. I have possibly been a bit laid back about putting pictures of my son on there. If start changing how use it now will avoid loads of questions by sw about fb, also get family and friends used to a more private me. The pre school have fb page as well, which be another issueto look into.

Mama1980 Fri 14-Feb-14 14:43:40

I have a fb profile but don't use it, I never post. I have it simply because my dd is on there, she is registered under her name as she is known now ( if you remember from your other thread re names it's different to her 'official' namesmile) but to be honest she doesn't use it much, she hates the idea that someone from her old life could find her that way. In fact there is clause on her court order which states that contact by certain persons via fb or social media would be a breach of restraint.
I never post pictures of any of my children and I have to make it clear to my dd s school and my sons various clubs that they cannot appear in any public photos. I'm afraid I'm one of those people whose situation means parents photos cannot be taken at dance shows.
Tbh I'm probably a touch paranoid about this sort of thing but I do feel better safe than sorry.

Waves to Mrsdevere grin - how are you doing? x

Myfeetarecold Thanks so much.

Maryz thanks for your insight. I only really use facebook for me. It's not about family at all really. I very occasionally post to my dear DH and he ignores it all! There are about two photos of my dd which a relative put on there and which we choose not to remove. DD isn't adopted so here was no concern. But i always knew we would hopefully adopt so I always tried to keep DD away from my facebook profile because I really did not want photos of her out there for anyone to see (personal opinion) and also I knew one day we would have a new one who would have joined our family by adoption and so it would be an issue.

I don't want to share photos or child stuff, I just use it to do stuff that is for me but I guess I do sometimes say things like 'who want to go to XYZ Farm in half term and if anyone could see that they would know where I would be, so I guess I need to stop that and use email or private messages.

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