Seriously FFS

(45 Posts)
Lilka Thu 06-Feb-14 19:53:40

This is a pure angry rant, so you know, don't feel obliged to read through the whole thing if you want to stick with the positive tonight

I just fielded a wonderful phone call from someone who wanted to offer me parenting advice on DD2 because DD2 is finding home really hard because of me! (read - DD2 is triangulating and manipulating because for reasons she can't explain, it makes her feel safer and more in control)

I tried being polite, whilst being advised that I'm too hard on DD2 because (paraphrased):

1. I should let her go out whenever she wants to, because kids her age need freedom

2. Removing her radio (not for the first time by a long shot) was "cruel" because "she needs it". Apparently I removed it because I didn't like her music, which she has a "right to listen to". (This is bollocks. I removed it at 1AM because DD2 refused to turn it down and DS woke up and couldn't get back to sleep)

and the absolute corker:

3. Kid her age shouldn't have medication, especially meds classed as antipsychotics, and I should stop her medication because it's bad and also "forcing children" (as if I force her, she's 17 not 4!!) to take "psychotic medication" is abusive

At this point I politely yet very firmly terminated the phone call, because I saw the metaphorical red sparkles of rage

Some things are not worth arguing over. I COULD have said to this certain someone

"Yes, DD2 is on strong medication. It's very sad when a child needs something like Risperidone to function well. We should ask ourselves what the root cause of this situation is, and so I have some advice/insight for you - a great method of preventing this kind of situation is not to harm your own child in such a profound way that she later needs medication to help her function. You don't like my parenting? Well then, don't fuck up your own parenting so badly that your child gets placed with me so I could do the job properly"

But I didn't. I said "goodbye X" and cut her off.

angry

MrsDeVere Thu 06-Feb-14 19:56:52

You deserve a fucking medal for not reaching down the phone and pulling her head through it.

wine

Pigeonhouse Thu 06-Feb-14 19:58:05

Dear God, this was your daughter's birth mother calling you up to give you parenting advice?

There are so many layers of irony there it's like a particularly lengthy Pass the Parcel.

Kudos for not saying what you could have.

Jesus... you're a better women than me. I'd of self combusted.

Lilka Thu 06-Feb-14 20:03:43

Oh I feel better for writing that

Incredibly, she started the phone call by asking if she could say "Hi" to DS.

The same DS who told me to stop letterbox to her because he doesn't want her to get letters about him. The same DS who can't bear us to talk about 'the reunion' when in his presence. Yeah, that one

Clearly I said no, which is when she said "oh...well, I want to talk about DD2 anyway".

Serious case of denial

Wow. what a bitch

tea4two4three Thu 06-Feb-14 20:14:28

I second what MrsDeVere said.

prumarth Thu 06-Feb-14 20:21:00

I'm speechless! You must be rightly furious. Does she call you with parental advise often??

adoptmama Thu 06-Feb-14 20:40:54

Mrs DeVere has nailed it. You deserve a medal.

and a bottle of wine.

Lilka Thu 06-Feb-14 21:01:47

Luckily, I have myself a bottle of wine right here

No prumarth very rare she phones me, thank the lord

I'm not sure what to do about it. I mean there's nothing I can do except block her number, but what if something happens when she's with DD one day, or <million and one other scenarios>?

MyFeetAreCold Thu 06-Feb-14 21:05:35

Caller ID so you at least know it's her? You can answer if DD is with her and not otherwise?

I'm glad you have wine.

thanks

Christ almighty.

Medals, wine, gin, flowers, gold ingots, you name it, take the lot. You've earned it.

Kewcumber Thu 06-Feb-14 21:13:16

really the thread could have stopped after MrsDV because she said everything really.

My ex was royal artillery - might he come on useful? He's in the country at the moment...

MrsDeVere Thu 06-Feb-14 21:24:18

Ha ha
I thought I might get disapproving tuts for being so crude and advocating violence (and alcohol)

Should have known you lot better grin

Kew my OH is ex artillery. He was a gunner.

Lilka Thu 06-Feb-14 21:46:38

Keep the ex artillery's on standby grin

People who advocate for crude language should get applause, not tuts. Sometimes I think I sound kind of genteel on here. Words on a screen can be deceiving grin

Lilka Thu 06-Feb-14 21:48:27

What if BM says something to DD about her medication, or says to her she should stop taking it?

That's what really worrying me now

She NEEDS it

namechangesforthehardstuff Thu 06-Feb-14 22:10:03

Well mrs devere with an honourable mention to pigeonhouse for the pass the parcel...

Surely the massive neon pointy arrowed sign reading 'IRONY' must be apparent to all?

MrsBW Thu 06-Feb-14 22:22:20

How does your DD feel about taking the Risperidone? Is she liable to be influenced by her BM?

Devora Thu 06-Feb-14 22:28:39

As my grandmother would say: where is the shame that woman should be drenched in?

ChrisMooseMickey Thu 06-Feb-14 22:34:42

Holy Moly OP. <pins medal on your lapel>

Lilka Thu 06-Feb-14 22:41:27

Thanks everyone, you're all lovely thanks

MrsBW - She takes it every day, and hasn't ever refused the medication. But it depends what mood BM catches her in. I have no idea how she'll react. Sometime she really wants to please BM and make her happy sad But she does think the medication has helped her, so if BM says anything, I will remind DD of how bad it was before she was taking it, and how she feel better now. And I will tell her that BM doesn't understand how it works and that's why she's worried, but actually she's wrong and the medication is safe and helping her

Lilka Thu 06-Feb-14 22:44:11

I have no idea if that would work, but that's all I can think of doing

If she starts giving DD grief over taking her medication I will...I was all about to type a threat in there but realistically

well, I'll do nothing to her, like normal. I'll flounder and try and pick up the pieces, like I always do, while BM breezes on regardless, not having to deal with the consequences of her stupidity. That's the shittiest thing about this whole mess sometimes

Kewcumber Thu 06-Feb-14 22:45:18

Mrs DV my ex was major by the time he left but one of his earlier jobs was forward lookout which appeared to consist of going to stand close to what your big guns are trying to hit and radioing back saying "nope you missed me try again". Your DH might have been trying to shoot at him!

He works for the Red Cross now which find a little amusing.

TheseAreTheJokesFolks Thu 06-Feb-14 23:07:21

cake brew you are a trooper, i hope when she is older DD will realize all you did for her and thank you. bm complete numpty.

MrsBW Thu 06-Feb-14 23:18:14

So hard. It must be so tempting, if BM did say 'I want you to stop taking it' (or variations on that theme) to spin it saying 'if she had your best interests at heart, she'd want you to stay well' (or variations on that theme)

I have personal experience of a close relative taking Risperidone. Tis a brilliant drug so I find BM's attitude even more bewildering.

Take a day at a time, try not to worry prematurely - it may never happen - and cross your bridges as you get to them.

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