Why do you want to adopt?

[JustAnotherYellowBelly]

I am currently getting all my ducks in a row (paying off debts, moving to a better(?) area etc) so that I will be in a good position to adopt either an older child or sibling group. I'm also waiting until I'm a few years older so that I feel I will be taken more seriously (am mid-twenties).

The only problem I am having is, how do I answer that question?!
I have my reasons:

• I feel I can give a child with a more difficult background a good quality of life because I can think outside of the box
• there are so many children needing the patience and time I will be able to give

Plus many more that I can't seem to put into words...
What were your reasons and how do you articulate them?!

[Lilka]

Well, personally I would say that the number one reason on any prospective adoptive parents list should probably be 'I really want to become a parent/Mum/Dad and adoption will fulfill this strong personal desire'

It can be hard to articulate all your reasons, don't worry too much about it

For me, apart from wanting to be a mum, and as a single woman, not feeling enthusiastic about the other options open to me, I did feel that I could make a difference for a child and I could be someone that a child needed and would be a good parent.

[JustAnotherYellowBelly]

Do you ever feel as if you sound (I don't know if it's the right word) arrogant?
I'm probably not explaining it we'll but like, what makes you so special that you could cope where others couldn't (not directed at you by the way! Just a general thought!)

[JustAnotherYellowBelly]

Oh and wanting a child should have been on my list!

[Inthebeginning]

Our reason was that we wanted to be a family, we wanted to be mum and dad not always auntie and uncle.
We had tried some fertility treatment but had decided adoption would be our next step rather than ivf as we felt it would be a vicious cycle and money spent on that could be better spent on children.
hope that helps

[JustAnotherYellowBelly]

That is a really good point Inthebeginning!
I would probably be a high risk pregnancy wise but it's not something I've really considered tbh.

[JustAnotherYellowBelly]

Just thought of another reason!
They say that if your child has special needs (or any needs including early neglect) you must be able to fight for them to get them the care they need.
Check!
(Could also call this being stubborn as a mule...)

[Moomoomie]

For me, it was truly selfish reasons that we wanted to adopt. I wanted to be a mum, I needed to be a mum, as my mother has said, I was born to be a mum!
So to find out we couldn't have a birth child was devastating, we had the fertility treatment etc. nothing worked.
So, we applied to adopt. It had nothing to do with the fact that we could give a needy child a better life, or whatever crap the media come out with!

[KatieChooChoo]

Im blessed with a son and im due to give birth to our 2nd in a few weeks so im guess my reasons to adopt in a few years time would be a lt different to yours.

My reasons for wanting to adopt are:
I want to give a child a family unit, a sense of belonging
I want to take a child out of 'the system'
I selfishly want a large family
If my family are happy with it I want us all to go n the same journey together
I want my children to understand the true meaning of family and security isnt down to blood and money

You may think theres a lot of 'I wants' but I think if you want to adopt you need to WANT to, therefore an element of selfishness is required. The selfishness that is actually selfless - if that makes sense?!

[Kewcumber]

I don;t think that by saying that you feel you can cope with many of the problems that adoption might bring because you have the kind of personality which would work, isn't saying that you think you are so much more special than anyone else.

Adoption takes empathy (understanding what you child has lost and drawing on your own losses to help you help them), resourcefulness (dealing with unexpected reactions and fighting for your child) and determination - lots of parents show this when they have to, you've just identified that it will probably be more likely necessary than not!

[Kewcumber]

And yes selfishness.

I wanted to be a mother enough to deal with all the barriers and trials. Self interest is a great motivator!

[Meita]

ok some of the things on your 'list' sound more like reasons why you COULD be a good adopter, rather than why you WANT to be one.
I'd say…

-wanting to be a parent
-wanting to enlarge your family/have another child
And these 'wants' can't really be legitimised nor do they need to be. They are either there or they aren't. The same with wanting children through giving birth, really.

IF you have more than one option as to HOW to become a parent/have another child, the next question is, why adoption rather than anything else. And here it is a weighing up of the pros and cons of each option. I'd say in many ways adoption is amongst the hardest ways of achieving those 'wants', so, if indeed you have a choice, it is worth thinking about why adoption.
In our case it is a combination of:

• not seeing genetic ties as more important than lived relations, making giving birth and adopting equal in that sense
• a view that we don't want to 'make' yet another human to burden our overpopulated planet, a clear + for adoption
• a feeling that we could make a very meaningful difference to a child's life, yes it is a bit like the saviour syndrome, but as we see it, we would like another child and there are children who absolutely need to find a family, so it just plain makes sense, no?

The next question to ask is then, why do we think we are able/capable of achieving our idea of a happy family, through adoption.

[HoGo1]

I would recommend reading Nancy Verrier's 'Primal Wound' if you're thinking of adopting. Her youtube clips as below:

[Devora]

I would be careful about presenting it too much as an altruistic act - social workers may be suspicious of that. I'd go for a 3-parter:

1. You want to be a mother
2. Why adoption is a better option for you than other ways of becoming a parent (show that you have considered the other options, and that it is not necessary for you to be a biological mother in order to be a mother)
3. That you have read up on adoption and believe that your personal qualities and life experience equip you for the role e.g. your resilience, resourcefulness.

[Kewcumber]

Primal Wound is an interesting perspective though I know many adoptees who don't agree with it and it isn't backed up by any research, its just her theory. Some adoptees and adopters find it a useful way of processing their feelings whereas others I know have said they don't identify with it at all.

Its also not so relevant to the UK as it predominantly talks about babies separated from their mothers hours or days after birth. In the uK its far more likely that there is more significant damage caused in the years post birth by real events rather than the Primal Wound of being separated from your birth mother.

I'm not diminishing the real trauma that might be caused simply by the separation from a biological mother, though I think its less of an issue in the grand scheme of things for current adoptees than neglect and abuse. I do agree though that if the Primal Wound puts you off you won't deal with the possible issues an adopted child might have!

[HoGo1]

If you look at the book reviews for the primal wound on Amazon most adoptees seem to run with it.

Its not just about separation from the bm back lack of genetic mirroring too ie genealogical bewilderment.

[Kewcumber]

As I said - its an interesting perspective but it is a theory which doesn't resonate with all adoptees. By all means read it if it brings new perspective.

[HoGo1]

Oh I'm an adult adoptee btw. I have 3 birth children. The eldest in her first year at uni.

I just joined mumsnet as I saw some threads on a potential MoJ that I'm researching: Jeremy Bamber and the infamous White House Farm murders. He was adopted at birth as was his adopted sister. Interesting case. I expect it to be a big news story in the not too distant future

[Inthebeginning]

I was thinking of your thread last night and just wanted to add: it's not until your par that you need to go into detail (and your s.wrker will guide you on this) you don't really need to over think it. Ours were happy with : we want a family, we can't have one naturally, we don't want ivf, we want to adopt.

[HoGo1]

I hope I'm not derailing a thread here.

I was adopted at 6 weeks of age due to the societal stigma attached to illegitimacy at the time, commonly referred to as the 'baby scoop era'. This is obviously no longer the case so where do the babies/children come from nowadays that are put up for adoption? Have they been abused/neglected by their bp's and removed by ss's and are languishing in care/foster homes?

For those intending to adopt will it be 'closed' or 'open'?

[Kewcumber]

I'm sure OP won't mind a slight derailing.

Very very few babies are "relinquished" these days and certainly not on the grounds simply that they are from single mothers.

Off the top of my head, children are removed very young (ie at birth or soon afterwards) if there is continuing drug or alcohol abuse or significant neglect and/or abuse either of the baby or of older siblings.

Older children are removed due to actual harm or significant risk of actual harm.

Very young babies might go into a concurrent planning foster care ie foster carers will be first choice to adopt if the baby cannot be returned to birth parents and have to facilitate contact with birth parents whilst the child is being fostered. Or might go into foster care. I'm not sure how you would differentiate "languishing" from "being"! The vast majority of children in care have no adoption plan so will remain in foster care either until they age out or until they are able to return to family.

There is a focus on speeding up the process once a plan for adoption has been made to try to minimise the temporary care a child goes through but inevitably some children are harder to place than others - more significant abuse, larger sibling groups, specific needs etc


As far as I know care homes tend to be used for older children where there is no plan for adoption although obviously they are fostered too.

Adoption in the UK is not as clear as "closed" or "open", some degree of contact is nearly always encouraged eg annual letterbox contact as a minimum but there may be security issues, threats made against adoptive parents etc that have to be taken into account as well as what is in the childs best interests.

I know parents on this board who maintain significant contact with birth parent and siblings, those who maintain letter box contact (despite in many cases never getting an reply) and those who have no contact at all - where it simply isn't possible.

[HoGo1]

Thanks Kewcumber. Yes much of what you've said seems to stack up with the 'Narey Report'.

I guess I used the word "languishing" as my perception of babies in the care system conjures up images of Romanian orphanages!

Seems odd that to do just about anything eg drive a car, have a dog, have a tv etc, etc one has to meet a criteria, apply and have a licence yet anyone can bring a child into the world!

Any q's you would like to ask me as an adoptee please feel free?

Just going back to my reason for being here can I ask your opinion on if a woman adopts and then as a result of her decision to adopt becomes so severely depressed she requires ECT treatment and in-patient psychiatric care do you think:

a) she should be able to keep the child she adopted?

b) go on to adopt another?

Lo,l no the above isn't my am but the am in the Jeremy Bamber/WHF case.

[2old2beamum]

Having adopted eight I must be honest there was a degree of selfishness on my behalf, I just love nurturing and I hope my children have benefited from my selfishness.

BTW I did not set out to adopt, I was a midwife and was at our eldest son's delivery and looked after him in SCBU. I loved him since day one. It totally threw SW's!!!

[craftycreator]

My reasons are as follows;

• I want to be a mummy
  
• My husband wants to be a daddy
  
• We want to be a family
  
• I feel I was always meant to be a mum
  
  I think when you start asking this question some people feel that there needs to be a reason for the child but it has to start with your own desire and needs because its that all consuming feeling that gives you the spark and energy and love which will make you a good parent. If your desire wasn't there and you ONLY did it because it was a nice thing to do, I personally dont think it would be long into the adoption that it would start to break down. Children (birth or adopted) come with sleepless nights, tantrums, hair pulling scenarios etc and its only through the desire to nurture that will see you both fulfilled.
  
  Now I could be talking poo here. I have no children and at the very very beginning of our journey to a family but that's my thoughts xx

[MrsBW]

Just going back to my reason for being here can I ask your opinion on if a woman adopts and then as a result of her decision to adopt becomes so severely depressed she requires ECT treatment and in-patient psychiatric care do you think:

a) she should be able to keep the child she adopted?

b) go on to adopt another?


Answer to a. In my opinion... Yes, of course. A birth child wouldn't be removed from its birth mother in those circumstances (on their own). Why on earth should an adopted child be removed from its adopted mother.

B. it depends on a huge number of factors and there is no 'one size fits all' answer to that question.

OP... in answer to your question.

I have a strong desire I be a mother, but no desire to carry or give birth to a child

My experiences have led me to believe that a genetic relationship with a child doesn't mean you will make a good parent, I.e. I don't feel I need to be genetically related to a child to be a good mother.

I believe I am empathetic, tenacious, determined and have a very enquiring mind. I think those skill mean I'll be a good adoptive parent.

[MrsBW]

It was Jeremy Bamber's sister, not mother who was schizophrenic, wasn't it?