Support thread thread for those feeling a bit overwhelmed by the plethora of threads atm

(136 Posts)
Kewcumber Thu 16-Jan-14 09:52:06

Thats it really - do you feel a bit under siege?! I do.

I feel cross that I seem to be constantly defending a system that I think is far from perfect but that on the whole those attacking have no idea of the ramifications of some of what they are suggesting.

I feel sad that once more adoptive parents seem to be considered the people who aren't quite behaving perfectly enough when the reality is that our children are where they are because their birth parents weren't quite perfect enough.

On one thread, it was suggested that if adoptive parents couldn't deal with sharing their child with birth parents that perhaps they weren;t up to the job and that if a child had been with adoptive parents for 10 years that maybe be child should still be returned to the birth parents if it were discovered there had been a mistake.

I cannot say again and again and again that I think even 1 mistake is a tragedy and that we must make every effort to avoid this. And yet every new starts again with the assumption that adoptive parents are "against" any birth parents. They seem to think that we have no empathy or understanding of the horror birth parents feel at having a child removed - like we're not really parents and we wouldn't feel the same horror at having our children removed. My blood runs cold at the thought of it.

I have also in the last year had a bit of a wake up call about how convincing people you know can be when they swear blind that they didn't do something, that their child has mental health problems and made up stories. When it was all proven to be true, I can;t tell you how much it shook me - even nice "normal" people do dreadful things to their children and it amazes me that social workers see this all the time and still manage (on the whole) to give parents a fair hearing.

I'd love to be able to have a sensible conversation about how many times parents fight and continue to fight for their children and the children are still subsequently adopted - I think that would help me quantify in my own mind how fair this figure of "thousands" thats been bandied around is, because I'm fed up of not being able to refute it for lack of evidence that that doesn;t seem to stop anyone else.

It's wearing and I'm getting sick of it and I've got work to do.

Here endeth the first rant.

cedar12 Thu 16-Jan-14 09:56:00

Well said Kewcumber

Kewcumber Thu 16-Jan-14 09:57:17

and if you're not going to be fluffy and supportive then bugger off this isn;t the thread for you.

(not you Cedar)

Moomoomie Thu 16-Jan-14 10:34:47

Well said Kew. To be honest I have avoided the threads, just skimmed them, as I don't feel eloquent enough to speak. Also I reckon my threads would be deleted :-)
It is bad enough that I have heard a couple of people in RL moaning the fact that adopted children will be getting pupil premium, they are so misguided cos they think the kids will get free school meals too.... I wish!

imabitoverwhelmed Thu 16-Jan-14 12:18:42

Umm - I've been lurking for about six months on this site, reading lots of what comes up, but only just joined and posted. We were approved to adopt towards the end of last year, and are in the process of being matched at the moment.

I'd just about worked up the courage to post asking lots of questions (I have oh so many!) when all this started this week and I am now completely overwhelmed. I'm beginning to panic about everything!

I have nothing useful to add for you, sorry, you all have far more knowledge, experience and answers then I will ever have. But you've all answered many of my questions over the last few months, so thank you!

MrsBW Thu 16-Jan-14 13:03:29

While I'm surprised I haven't knocked myself unconscious with all the head -> wall banging, in some ways I'm finding it useful.

It's giving me an insight into what the Birth parents may well say to my children when/if they meet at adulthood; and prepare them better.

But honestly - the judginess is unbelievable!

MrsBW Thu 16-Jan-14 13:05:28

Hi imabit <waves>

Don't panic. Save that for the first day you're left behind closed doors with your children at home alone [grins]

Congrats on your imminent matching.

Lilka Thu 16-Jan-14 13:08:03

Oh kew thank you smile I just knew you were the OP before I even opened the thread

I often take part on threads like the ones we have going at the moments, when I have something to say, or I want to try and educate people as to why say, banning adoption without parental consent is a terrible idea etc

But I find it very hard when these threads appear in the adoption section as opposed to say, AIBU or In The News

This is my safe place. I know I sounds odd, but this board feels safe for me to post on to get support when I need it, precisely because we don't normally have any threads in which there are arguments or goady people or people who say things which feel like they're blaming us or attacking us. This board functions as a support board. And whilst we can discuss anything adoption related here, when we suddenly get a load of threads relating to "forced adoption" etc, it's really not nice. It honestly doesn't feel like the same board it was a week ago.

I was going to start a thread yesterday just for a wee bit of moral support because I'm struggling a bit at home ATM. But I didn't do it. It didn't feel right with all these other threads here, and I didn't know who was going to reply to me. After all, it involves birth family and reunions and stuff, what if I got attacked by an idiot who thinks my kids must be stolen or something?

So as much as I take part in the threads, I'm struggling with them being in here

Happiestinwellybobs Thu 16-Jan-14 13:27:45

I agree Kew. It feels like all hell has broken loose, and from there being a lovely supportive adoption page, we have now having to having to defend ourselves to some people who IMO are generally talking out of their backsides (sorry, I know that's not very fluffy smile )

I haven't felt eloquent enough to argue the case, and arrived late to a couple of the threads. Whilst I know that there will be mistakes (and that isn't acceptable). I also know the circumstances to which many children come to be adopted, DD included. I have just spent a couple of hours writing her birth parents a contact letter, in which I have to put aside what happened to her. I am drained. And annoyed at the judging tbh. I've also been on the receiving end of a few unthinking comments recently. I suggest they walk a mile in our shoes before they pass comment.

Sorry - that was a bit of a whinge. I think I need chocolate smile

Imabit Good luck with the matching process. It is the best thing we have ever done smile

Happiestinwellybobs Thu 16-Jan-14 13:28:53

X-post Lilka, but you put it better than me smile

Happiestinwellybobs Thu 16-Jan-14 13:30:04

*we are now having to

Told you I needed chocolate.

drspouse Thu 16-Jan-14 13:43:49

Thanks so much for starting this kew. One thing all these goady threads is showing up, though, is who our real friends are (the tea bag analogy). There are people I'd really love to get to know better IRL!

There are also people who think like you are saying about our type of adoption - why would we even suggest our child should know about their birth family/country because surely they'll just automatically want to go back and live there/with them as soon as they can? And despite our DS not having been "forcibly removed" there is absolutely no way I'd want his history in the public domain, or the ongoing legal matters surrounding other birth family members ditto.

RabbitRabbit78 Thu 16-Jan-14 13:52:18

Thank you for this Kew, I came over all teary when I read the first post. Don't think I'd realised quite how pissed off I've been feeling - MN has kept me same over the past few months and "under siege" is a good description of this past week.

Curiousity Thu 16-Jan-14 15:19:14

hi

Don't know all the history, but anyone feeling overwhelmed in the adoption process, go and find two places where you will get non judgemental support and a feeling that you aren't alone.

www.theadoptionsocial.com - lots of blogs etc - wonderful site run by two adopters

and on the proboards app there is a UK adopters and foster carers board - don't know how to link to it but if you go on the adoption uk site message board and ask for help to access the pro boards app you've heard about then someone will message you.

Good luck - please don't give up or think you're alone - those of us who are in it, going through it etc are out here, just not all on this site tbh.

C

Sadoldbag Thu 16-Jan-14 15:22:44

I know it really annoys me some idiots suggesting god knows what based on what they read in the mail ffs

Ireland seems to have the system uh and others want children sit in care until there 18 just in case there parents get there act together

MyFeetAreCold Thu 16-Jan-14 15:39:25

They'll all get bored and move on soon enough. In the meantime we can apply the 'don't feed the troll' mantra to goady feckers too (she said fresh from having just posted on the telly addicts thread...)

We all know why and how we're doing what we're doing (and, since the DCs came home 10 weeks ago, I'm doing brilliantly at learning how to filter out noise and nonsense. grin).

Don't let it stop you asking for support if you need it. I'm sure an actual support thread would be far too boring for the GFs.

MrsBW Thu 16-Jan-14 15:58:16

Yeah I just bit too myfeet

People really can't be that stupid can they?

Kewcumber Thu 16-Jan-14 16:06:03

imabitoverwhelmed - ha ha ha haha! What a great week to delurk and be going through matching! It's like a pressure cooker in here! The adoption boards feel all lovely and supportive (I would say fluffy but in reality they tend to be a little more on the "budge up and make room for one more on the hard old cow bench" side)

DS is a joy to me and the issues that he has don't touch the sides compared to what I've gained by having him in my life.

And the whole process is almost worth is just for the pleasure of meeting some others who have adopted, more than a few of which are on this board.

It'll die down soon enough.

I'm so torn by the need to correct the complete inaccuracies and just thinking I should: "Put the thread down. STEP AWAY FROM THE THREAD" <<said in megaphone stylee>>

MyFeetAreCold Thu 16-Jan-14 16:10:45

Stupid and/or goady...

Tbh, I get more pissed off by the people that say they have a spare room so could adopt. Like it's only about having room for an extra bed.

I've also been judging myself as MN would judge me (just for fun really...)

In the good adopter column, we have:
1) had the first children whose profiles we saw placed with us (because we had a great SW who totally got us)
2) they're a sibling group

In the naughty adopter column, we have:
1) we still have a spare room. We should have taken more, dammit!
2) The DCs were young.
3) They are unbearably cute. We should probably have held out for some ugly ones.

Anyone else want to play?!

MyFeetAreCold Thu 16-Jan-14 16:13:01

DD's sitting on the sofa arm next to me cuddling my head. Wouldn't change a damn thing!

I have found it all quite tumultuous. Normally, people are busy saying how great adopters are, which I know pretty much all the adopters I have spoken to are very quick deny! Then we get the heartbreaking cases on the Panorama documentary, which I found very sad indeed. Alongside that the radio progamme about mums on the run and a bit of that was on Women's hour and so here was lots of 'stealing' talk and then the activity party programme which I hoped would attract lots of positive attention for children looking for families! Sadly, that attracted some negative comments (as well as positive ones) on facebook and mumsnet.

Portrayed as all good or all bad, so unrealistic. It has made as aware that not all people in real life will be so positive about us adopting and not to expect such a warm welcome as I got here on mumsnet adoption boards!

Kewcumber Thu 16-Jan-14 16:38:35

Mostly Italian people in real life are too scared to tell you anything to your face except how brave and marvellous you are.

Or maybe they are just too scared of me...

ghostinthecanvas Thu 16-Jan-14 16:40:43

I have missed all this. Have the rage anyway so it's probably a good job.
Hate all this ridiculousness that goes with adoption. We are either saints or sinners. People don't seem to have the slightest idea that we are in the murky grey area in the middle, just doing our best. It is all sensationalist rubbish that will pass.
Congrats to happiest and myfeetarecold - 10 weeks in flowers
I wish I was more informed with figures etc but I don't think i am any less informed than others with their 'facts'

weregoingtothezoo Thu 16-Jan-14 16:46:58

Hi Kew and others, hope it's ok to add this birth parent's hurting voice.
I've not watched/ listened to the TV or Radio programmes, because I know I can't cope with it at the moment. I've glanced at a couple of the threads.

I wish I had the strength to add my voice and say, do you know what, even if it was realised that I am capable to parent my DD now, 10 months after her placement, of course I wouldn't disrupt her again and want to move her home. That is what a loving birth parent does. Says that I want my child to be attached and secure, and I want her to be with me in that order and if the first has been achieved then I waive my right to the second.

I get so angry. Birth parents that make us look worse, if that were possible, than we already are. Huge respect for those of you that have gone onto other threads and calmly educated people whilst being calm yourselves. I think what I say needs to be heard but feel a right coward for not going and saying it.

I hope you don't mind me joining you here, I really need a bit of handholding.

drspouse Thu 16-Jan-14 16:48:48

Yes I think we are naughty adopters too because we didn't take a sibling set of 5 UK teenagers who would burn our house down.

On the other hand we do take DS to see his birth country and we have met birth family and I didn't refuse to ever see my friend again when she slipped up and said "his mum... no sorry I mean his birth mum, you're his mum". I even occasionally refer to his birth mum as his mum, especially when I've just referred to his birth grandparents, who it's easier to award equal status to (especially as 2 of the others are no longer with us - so he has 4 living grandparents that we've met).

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