Birth mother support

(53 Posts)
audley Mon 30-Dec-13 21:37:11

Hi, any birth mums out there who would like to link up for support and share experiences?
I am a bm.

Kewcumber Mon 30-Dec-13 21:43:06

There are definitely birth mums who read and post on this forum but not loads and its probably a quiet time of year - but persevere and come back and bump the thread a few times and you'll get some replies.

Good luck.

Devora Mon 30-Dec-13 22:40:34

Good luck, audley.

weregoingtothezoo Tue 31-Dec-13 11:06:17

Yes, me too. I'd wondered whether it was ok to have birth parent threads here too - but I need to get OUT of that adversarial mindset. I'm stronger than when I was in the middle of it and would love to use that bit of strength for good. As well as be in touch for support - StupidMistakes <she is NOT Stupid> and her messages really helped me in the painful lead up to Christmas.

Kewcumber Tue 31-Dec-13 22:39:05

I hope you feel its OK to have birth parent threads here having "spoken" a little with some adopters. I try not to post o birth parent threads unless its a question relevant to adoptive parents or asking their opinion, not because I have any issue with them but because I think there needs to be a place you (birth parents) can post without worrying too much whether anything you say offends anyone.

I think the adoption board should be a supportive space for anyone involved in the adoption triangle.

Roisin Tue 31-Dec-13 22:43:10

I'm a bm - long time ago - 24 years - but not forgotten.

Trofast Wed 01-Jan-14 13:02:58

Am a birth mother too, the adoption was over twenty years ago and was voluntary though not so much voluntary on reflection.

Sending you all some strength and love for the new year.

audley Wed 01-Jan-14 20:45:02

Hello, thanks for your responses. My birth daughter is 19 but she is still very much part of my daily interior life! Trofast ditto re "voluntary".

Trofast Wed 01-Jan-14 22:59:54

Hey Audrey, yeah part of my inferior life too. Am a few years ahead of you and 18 + years on was very emotionally loaded I think. All that potential...

We are a pretty niche group. Nice to 'meet' you.

Trofast Wed 01-Jan-14 23:01:11

Thanks iPad, leave my inferior life alonesmile interior obviously.

weregoingtothezoo Thu 02-Jan-14 14:14:50

Could I ask if any of you met your birth children once they were able? And whether you were given any photos or information as they grew up?
Definitely a niche group, not a very well liked group in society really.

Roisin Thu 02-Jan-14 23:41:57

weregoingtothezoo - I had an agreed no contact adoption, so have not had any photos, letters or news.

I've made sure I'm easy to find, should he wish to: on the adoption register, sent updated details to the adoption agency, have mention of him on public bit of my FB page, Friends Reunited, etc. But whilst it is my dream that he would choose to get in touch; I feel it should be his choice, not mine.

weregoingtothezoo Fri 03-Jan-14 11:52:12

Roisin that must have been very hard for you. You sound very strong in yourself. Have you had any other children? Same question to Trofast and audley

Kew (and any others) certainly I don't feel it's a problem in general - I guess it crosses my mind though that DD's adoptive parents might read here. I was told they are "distinguished and wealthy" by the SW - not sure if that's in Mumsnet's general 'catchment' or not. So I guess in general all parts of the adoption triangle should be able to post but if it were specific members, maybe not helpful all round.

Kewcumber Fri 03-Jan-14 12:09:17

Thats a fair point zoo - but you rarely see sufficient detail on MN adoption boards to be able to identify individual children, so I don't see any reason why you can't discuss how you feel etc.

Obviously this isn't a good forum f you want to get into the specifics but I can't imagine you'd be happy to get very specific on any internet forums

audley Fri 03-Jan-14 14:13:30

Hi zoo, I have been incredibly lucky and had letters and pics every six months before direct contact was agreed much much later. We got together just the two of us for the first time recently. It was amazing. Whole barrel of new issues now though re dh and his family struggling with the increased contact.

Roisin Fri 03-Jan-14 21:39:52

Yes, I've had two more boys: they're 14 and 16 now.

I was fortunate that I met the prospective adoptive parents just before I had the baby, which was a comfort.

It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I still hold on to a belief that it was "the right thing" all round in a difficult situation.

Trofast Fri 03-Jan-14 22:20:33

Hey zoo, no we haven't met. Like roison I have left contact routes in place so I am easily found if searched for. Again when the adoption went through I had no idea that they could be more open so only a few early photos were swopped. I met the adopters too and found that a largely reassuring meeting.

I don't plan to instigate contact believing it is best happening when and if my birth child is ready to do so. There are circumstances where I might initiate contact, which I believe I can do via SWs but they would have to be pretty extreme. I would love it to happen though.

My current children are aware of all this and whilst too young to be proactive in searching at the moment I am aware that they could choose to search and that is ok too.

I have a merry band of children but they came a long time after the adoption. I think whatever the circumstances of an adoption a bit of healing time before the next birth is probably a healthy approach.

Audley am happy that you have had contact and have met, hope it becomes comfortable for your wider family.

Roisin here i hope you get your meeting too.

Roisin Sat 04-Jan-14 12:53:54

Yes, my two boys (and dh) are also aware of my story and since they were tiny have known they have a (half) big brother "out there". So far they've never shown any interest at all, but maybe one day they might.

Trofast Sat 04-Jan-14 21:21:30

So many unknowns. I hope that for now non contact equates to a successful adoption which is a comfort. It seems there are more contacts initiated by those in their later twenties/thirties which feels understandable.

RandomMess Sat 04-Jan-14 21:27:59

I'm a bit of a member on here, put my eldest up for voluntary adoption however didn't go through with it. I live with the guilt having not given her a stable and financially comfortable life because of that everyday. She has now contacted her birth father and they plan to meet soon - he treated the situation as one of adoption to which he had originally agree to.

Trofast Sun 05-Jan-14 00:30:31

Oh random, yeah there are some economic and social gains from the choices I made but I wouldn't like to tally our gains and losses. On a navel gazing day we can all find deficits in our parenting but we did what we do and make the best of our choices.

Bf sounds a shit, you sound fab. I always feel like I would like another child (shame about ancient ovaries...) but really I wonder whether what I honestly feel is that I will always feel like one is missing when I head count as one really is missing iykwim.

Maryz Sun 05-Jan-14 00:41:06

Hi, I'm an adoptive mother, so probably shouldn't be posting on your thread, but I wanted to say that I think the adoption board should be for everyone, and I'm glad to see that some birth mothers do feel able to talk about things - it must be very difficult.

My children are older now - ds has no way of contacting his bm as she disappeared (and he refuses to discuss with anyone whether or not he would like to meet her). dd's birth family would love to meet her, and I'm hoping to encourage her to do so though at the moment she is not keen on the idea.

I just wanted to say that although dd doesn't want to meet her mother atm, she has no animosity towards her (she was voluntarily relinquished, as was ds), and knows that she will meet her at some stage in the future. The fact that she knows we have information and that she could contact her if she wanted to is a source of comfort to all of us.

I wish ds had the same luxury - to find if and when he wanted to.

RandomMess Sun 05-Jan-14 09:09:27

My mental health isn't great, that is really the crux of the matter. I have 3 younger dc yet unsurprisingly having had them hasn't done anything to eliminate the pain I experienced being pregnant, giving birth and leaving hospital empty handed (not to mention the way family and others treated you thoughout all of that).

I have always been honest with my dd about being in foster care and having a bio dad different to my first husband and she does have issues about it, until very recently I never said a bad word about him but I have been more honest about how hurtful I found some of his actions however much I could rationally understand them - ho hum...

Trofast Sun 05-Jan-14 19:44:47

That is hard Random. It is difficult to reconcile the actions of those close to you at such timessad

It sounds a bit like you got some of the tough bits of both choices.

Maryz I think it is sad that info isn't there for your ds, if only there was a better fit between the adoptees who want contact and the birth parents who are happy to be found.

audley Mon 06-Jan-14 10:17:25

Good point trofast, re better fit re preferences with future contact.
Zoo there was a 14 year gap between relinquishing dd and having ds1, not intended or through lack of trying though!

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