Pre-Christmas Support Thread, Mark II

(36 Posts)
Lilka Wed 11-Dec-13 21:44:29

For anyone that needs a vent. Christmas support thread mark I was last years joyous thread for anyone who wasn't around then! This is the thread to get christmas support on, whether you are struggling with the 'festive' season because you don't you don't have DC yet, or because your DC have issues with christmas, or because it's just stressful for ANY reason

Yesterday I caught DD trying to take all her remaining advent calendar presents and open them. She had a lovely tantrum when I told her that she had to wait until the right day. I wonder why I do advent every year sometimes! Still, better than the first year when I tried putting chocolate in the pockets (I have one of those fabric ones with pockets you buy presents for yourself) and she came down in the night on the second day and took the lot shock

Today she's whining because I told her that no, she can't have cosmetic surgery for Christmas!!!!! She wants elf ears like this lady has

"Whyyyyy nooot, you're meaaaannn" she's saying

Also, her Bestest Mummy (BM) says elf ears would look really great on her, which means that only Awful Mummy (AM) is standing in her way of her impulsive desire for beautiful ears.... that and the fact that seventeen year olds can't have cosmetic surgery and it can't be done in time for christmas and what kind of reputable surgeon would operate on a child like DD But if BM says elf ears are awesome, that's all that matters

Christmas PTSD triggers are everywhere and unlike in September and October when christmas starts nowadays, now they are totally unavoidable

Also my house is a tip and I'm going to struggle to get presents delivered in time for christmas cause I've left the shopping too late AGAIN

Please someone come and tell me that they also haven't done a speck of cleaning, that the present shopping is not going well, and that their DC are asking for cars, 'the moon' and other stuff they can definitely have at the age of 3/6/10/15 hmm

MyFeetAreCold France Wed 11-Dec-13 22:37:11

Oh, lovely idea Lilka!

Here's my thing: DCs are only relatively recently placed with us. We are trying to keep Christmas as far away from them as possible, at least until they've had a chance to meet granny and cousins and that kind of thing so there's as little association as possible between Christmas and new family.

Every single person through my door listens to me explain this and then starts talking to the DC about Christmas. And worse, most people through my door atm are SWs...

And on a more trivial note, it turns out DD thinks Santa is called Father Christmas. We'll have to fix that quickly. fwink

Lilka Wed 11-Dec-13 23:07:00

Oh Feet it's so annoying when everything you say goes into the other person's one ear and straight out the other <grr> And the social workers especially should know better.

Personally I think a low key christmas is a great thing, I hope this one goes very well for you smile How long have the DC's been home now?

DD2 is continuing to strop about the bloody elf ears. It's just ridiculous. Also she showed me her conversation with BM to back her argument up. Sadly and surprisingly for her, my seeing her BM undermining me (again) softened neither my heart nor my head (!) it only confirmed to me that (I hope this is a safe place to say this in!) her BM has a serious case of cranial-rectal inversion right now

MyFeetAreCold France Wed 11-Dec-13 23:19:25

5 weeks, Lilka. On the one hand, I can't remember them not being here. On the other, a million times a day I find myself in uncharted territory furiously trying to look like I know what I'm doing. grin

I thought you were kidding about the ear thing though. Can a 17 year old have surgery? I suppose they can. From 16, right? I've read a lot of your BM posts. You amaze me.

Today I was told BM is a wizard. I'm not sure yet if that is a good or a bad thing.

TBH, we always do a low key Christmas anyway (as the childless couple, we just preferred to avoid anything big of family orientated...) so we're kind of keeping our own tradition there anyway. And we're assuming that the day itself will be much like any other but with added tantrums due to excitement/new toys/lack of wine for the grown ups...

Lilka Wed 11-Dec-13 23:46:54

Oh I so know the feeling you're describing! To be honest I still find myself in unchartered territory pretending to know what I'm doing on a regular basis..! How old are they?

No, not joking!! She genuinely fell in love with pictures of women who've had an entire wedge of cartilage removed from their ears and then had the ear shaped into a point, and impulsively decided she wants it too!

The good news is her impulsive desires usually don't last too long, so this isn't actually going to happen. The bad news is, until it wears off, she'll be going on and on about it. Her emotional issues + tendency to obsess + impulsiveness + emotional and social immaturity = NOT a good combination, especially around birthdays and christmas. She has no common sense or real grasp of the reality of this kind of thing. I mean, even the reality of the surgery and recovery period and money involved (she has no clue about value of money) is something she can't begin to grap.

It's 16 shock ?! Yikes, I told DD you have to be 18 to have surgery done. Why 16?! You can't legally get a tattoo aged 17, but you can have bits of ear chopped off?!

prumarth Thu 12-Dec-13 00:00:44

Wow, elf ears!!! I've never heard of this before - is this a trend I have missed by being 40 and therefore ancient or a new upcoming thing?? Lilka, it must be infuriating having BM encouraging your daughters impulses. You must have to bite your tongue pretty hard when that happens. And bad timing too with elves everywhere for the Xmas season - you must shudder at every grotto!

RudolphLovesoftplay Thu 12-Dec-13 07:53:57

Elf ears!!!! Whoever thought of such a thing???!

Lilka, you are amazing how you deal with the BM situation x x

TrinnyandSatsuma Thu 12-Dec-13 09:16:46

I think I should consider myself lucky. Our little man has asked for just one thing when writing letter to Santa.

We have told all our family to exercise restraint when buying presents......he's only been here 7 weeks, so low key is the plan. I keep getting emails from my mum "I've just bought him a few more little things......" :-)

End of term tiredness is kicking in. More tears and tantrums than we've seen so far, but I think we are coming to the end of our honeymoon period as well!

But to end on a high......school nativity play was yesterday. I thought I was going to burst with pride. I cried. Seeing his smiling, beaming face and watching him wave at us from the stage, makes the tough times so much more bearable.

Lilka Thu 12-Dec-13 11:29:09

Trinny, that's wonderful smile You'll soon have many more moments to treasure

I love the nativity plays and I always burst with pride watching too <sniffles>

I'm not sure I am 'dealing' with the situation. I'm dealing with myself, and talking a bit to DD2, but otherwise I'm not actually doing anything

Lilka Thu 12-Dec-13 11:31:35

DD hasn't even surfaced yet

I'm not sure whether I should get her up because 11.30 is late enough, or leave her because the house is very peaceful when she's snoozing...

Actually that's a lie, I AM sure....peace over all else grin

32flavours Thu 12-Dec-13 16:32:48

I'm really glad you started this thread Lilka. This is hopefully our last Christmas just the two of us, but I'm really not feeling Christmassy at all. Everyone around me seems to be constantly talking about how excited their kids are about Christmas, what they've bought them etc. It's just really hard this time of year.

fasparent Thu 12-Dec-13 16:40:49

Hard time for FC's who have baby's children soon too be placed after Christmas, Know of a few , We will be thinking of Adoptive parents waiting and missing out on baby's 1st Christmas, don't know why ss always seem too wait too place if it's too close too Christmas , Think its regards too lack of available support and festivity of the event (Christmas) ., also triggers which can effect some children. Frustrating world.

Lilka Thu 12-Dec-13 17:06:13

32flavours I understand, and I remember the feeling from my last christmas pre-child especially. It feels like children are the entire focus of the event and everything just highlights to you what you don't (yet) have. Many <<hugs>> to you

fasparent yes, I didn't think about FC's who will soon be saying goodbye to their precious LO's, but a difficult time for them as well

I find that many people just think of christmas as something which should be a really happy event for everyone, and that simply view of cheer is one of the hardest things to deal with

AngelsWithSilverWings Thu 12-Dec-13 17:21:11

This is well timed.

My DS8 binges on sweet stuff when he is stressed or worried.

Because of the pre Xmas rush DH has been working around the clock and hasn't been home much. This always worries DS and has triggered the usual problems of bad behaviour and stealing sweet stuff.

I have stopped keeping sweets or goodies in the house because of this. I thought that would solve the problem! How wrong was I!

Today , before breakfast ,he consumed my entire stock of dark chocolate that I keep hidden away for cake making.

As a result he was sent home from school after vomiting in the classroom.

I'd love to know if anyone else has experienced this and what steps you have taken to solve the problem.

Thank you.

Lilka Thu 12-Dec-13 23:40:12

Angels, that's so hard

Both DD's are food hoarders and anxious eaters

DD2 would go as far as coming down in the night and gorging on stuff in the freezer - frozen chicken nuggets, frozen peas, ice cream, frozen fries, even the ice cubes

The problem is the eating is worst when anxious, so the only way to really combat the eating is to combat the anxiety and promote them feeling more safe and secure (as well as working on sensations and the difference between hunger and anxiety tummy feelings, if that's applicable in your situation), and Christmas is the hardest time to do that in

I don't really have any words of wisdom, because this is still an issue now, I can only recommend carrying on keeping everything as low key, calm, small-world as possible. I never have the TV on at this time because of the christmas adverts, no tree going up until about the 21st/22nd etc. School is hard though because the christmas influence is all around and there's nothing you can do about it, so the anxiety just builds and you try and firefight it when it arrives home

I have a box of healthy stuff (celery sticks etc) out all the time and DD will eat and eat from it when anxious but it's no good if your child only wants sugary treats. Also some children with food issues do better with more food access, others just obsess so much they are calmer and happier when their food access is very restricted.

I also give her chewing gum, the sensation of constant chewing and feeling like you are sort of eating something substitutes for food and calms her in a similar way to eating sometimes.

AngelsWithSilverWings Fri 13-Dec-13 08:11:39

Thank you Lilka. I the chewing gum idea! I may try that one.Someone else has suggested a box containing a weeks supply healthy treats mixed in with some chocolate that he can choose from during the week , but to make sure he knows that when it's gone it's gone.

He does get a bit over excited at Xmas but probably no more so than any other child.

It's always when my DH is working long hours and doesn't get to see the kids during the week that DS starts this behaviour. Pre Xmas is alway busy at DH's work.

We have started using FaceTime so that he can keep in touch on the evenings when he he not home.

AngelsWithSilverWings Fri 13-Dec-13 11:50:12

Just a little update. I spoke to DS's teacher this morning and she was really worried about him.

Yesterday we were just told to collect him from the welfare office because he had been sick but apparently he collapsed and then was sick and she thought he was going to pass out. He was vomiting whole chunks of chocolate! He hadn't even chewed it.

This has finally prompted me to call the post adoption team to ask for help. This is the first time I've ever needed their help in the 7 years we have been adoptive parents.

I hope I've done the right thing inviting social workers back into our lives.

Just waiting to hear from the duty SW now.

Lilka Fri 13-Dec-13 13:43:44

Angels many <<hugs>> for you

I hope the PAS team are helpful

DD2 is not doing well. This is her first 'in reunion' christmas and I honestly think it's that that's causing half the trouble. Her mental health issues are getting worse not better this year, and since some of her elder siblings have serious MH issues it's frightening sad She's so anxious and her behaviour is just...

Lilka Fri 13-Dec-13 13:47:32

<<<hugs>>>

sorry, not sure what happened with the <> there

AngelsWithSilverWings Fri 13-Dec-13 14:03:19

Thank you.

When I read threads on here and speak to my "adoption group" friends I always feel like a bit of a fraud. DS's problems are really quite minor in comparison to what other adopters are going through.

I hope you manage to get through Christmas ok and get some support from somewhere.

Moomoomie Fri 13-Dec-13 14:16:59

Angels... I hope the PAS worker comes through for you, unfortunately ours is totally useless, we have had no help whatsoever, although they have promised us so much. sad
I always find these few weeks either before the summer holidays or more so before Christmas so tough. At school they are off timetable so often, the dc do not know whether they are coming or going.
Dd2 birthday is December too, so it is such a full on month. We do try and play it as low key as possible.
And, to top it all dd3 saw me being the tooth fairy the other night, I quickly thought on my feet and made up some story, she seemed to believe me, although she was awake for the next two hours asking many questions!

AngelsWithSilverWings Fri 13-Dec-13 14:30:29

Oh no! At least you remembered. Our local tooth fairy is very forgetful.grin

Not expecting much from PAS to be honest.

Called the authority we adopted through but when the duty SW called me back it was to tell me that as we have moved to a different area since we first adopted we are no longer entitled to the support. (adopted through Essex and still live in Essex but the town we now live in is independent of the County Council)

Called the adoption team that covers my area and they are going to ask the manager to decide if we warrant any help.

They will let me know next week.

Lilka Fri 13-Dec-13 15:13:02

Oh no Angels I hate these stupid bastard rules about area and address angry It's a great way to mess adopters around and wash your hand of them 'you're not our responsibility any more' blah blah blah

Hope your area team can give you help x

And as for being a 'fraud', absolute nonsense. You are as deserving of support and help as anybody else and have every right in the world to vent and talk about it.

Oh dear Moomoomie grin The tooth-fairy North East division is a bit forgetful, and has had to deal with 'mummy the tooth fairy didn't come, whyyyy?' several times blush grin

Lilka Sat 14-Dec-13 12:40:50

Well I just fielded a lovely phone call from Bestest Mummy

First off, she's bloody lucky I got to the phone before DS (who likes to feel important by answering all phone calls and telling either me or DD2 to come to the phone). If he's answered to find his BM he'd be in a right state right now. But sometimes fortune smiles on me, I was right next to the phone when it rang.

Secondly, why does she have to call my home phone?

We made some small talk, and I asked after some relatives and how she was doing, and she asked me how I was doing, etc

She was calling for DD, but since she got me first, she might as well ask me now - can DD come to Manchester with her for a week over New Years to see some distant relatives, non relatives and her friends?

Hmmm....NO

I said it much more politely to her though, with good reasons attached

Well okay then, she says, sounded put out, but quite a few of DD's older siblings are coming to stay over Christmas and "I know DD would be happier here" !!!!!, they can pick DD up on Christmas Eve morning and have her back on Boxing Day evening, is that okay?

I said very firmly, "DD is spending Christmas with her brother and sister and with me at this house".

I also asked her to not say anything to DD as then DD would be disappointed because I'm not letting her go anywhere overnight, full stop. Likelihood of her doing this? Somewhere between 'low' and 'null'

Thirdly, she has some nerve to tell me DD would be happier spending Christmas Day with her

Fourthly, DD is MY daughter, and I'm the only one of us two who knows how to keep her christmas calm, low key and as free as possible from triggers, and I'm so angry with her for trying to take my DD away from us at Christmas and how she has so little understanding of DD's needs and only cares about herself

angry angry angry angry angry angry

MyFeetAreCold France Sat 14-Dec-13 13:25:34

Oh my life, Lilka, you poor thing. I have nothing to offer but sympathy. How awful/infuriating for you.

Of course, if bestestmum was capable of thinking this all through rationally, presumably DD would have never needed you, but that's easy for me to say.

thanks

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now