Matching - getting on the same page

(16 Posts)

Hi all, just wondered for anyone who has been through the matching process and is in a marriage/partnership, how much did you and your DH/DP/DW agree on things?

So far it seems DH and I are reading stuff but don't necessarily get the same feeling that this is or is not the right child. Do you think sometimes one person 'sees the right child' first and the other follows or was it pretty much a joint decision instantly?

Just curious.

Because of sensitivity, feel free to PM me if you wish.

Thanks.

Hels20 Tue 10-Dec-13 06:38:40

Me and DH agreed on most things, although when 2 hyping children came up (both under 3) but one at Cerebral Palsy (though mild - and only affected her leg), my DH was more circumspect and much more cautious (we live in London, in a home with lots of stairs and use buses and trains a lot).

DH allowed me to vet - if I vetoed, then he didn't look at the CPR (this was more because he is working and I wasn't at the time). He said I needed to feel comfortable with it and unless I did, then there was no point in looking further. He read about 6 CPRs of the 15 I read. In the end,
when our DS came up - we both felt something and so it was very easy to move forward.

It might seem you aren't agreeing, but it is important that you both feel able to cope with the child's background/health/development uncertainties - we are only 2 weeks into DS living with us and it is hard work. But I am so pleased that our decision was joint.

I do think that sometimes a hubby can need nudging - you can always meet the foster carer and social worker of the child and doctor and then say "no". Sometimes meeting the adults who have the most knowledge of the child is really helpful - as a CPR will also want to cover itself. An authority doesn't want any acquisitions afterwards that they didn't tell you something.

In our DS's case, there was concern about his development and tantrums - but actually, meeting the professionals and foster carer helped allay our concerns and, whilst our toddler does have tantrums - some of these are definitely age related!

PM if you want to discuss further. It did take us a while to get the match but I am so pleased we waited as I think our DS is so perfect for us.

Hels20 Tue 10-Dec-13 06:39:13

Sorry - "hyping" should read "young"

Moomoomie Tue 10-Dec-13 08:48:56

Is your SW actually doing her job properly and only showing you profiles that she thinks will be a good match? Or just throwing every profile your way?
We only heard (did not see a profile) of our girls, so did not have that awful task.
For us, when we heard of the girls, it just felt right. Also there were one or two "signs" that they were the perfect match. And they have been, when their sister came home six years later it was the cherry on the top!

I do think woman are a lot more emotional about all this, men can tend to put their emotions to one side and let their head rule.
I agree you both need to be totally in agreement, but you can probably help each other to come to the same decision by sharing your reasons with each other.

Thanks Hels20 and Moomoomie.

Social worker is giving us what we need to read but to be honest she only knows us a little as she did not take us to panel. I find this system of the person who took you to panel leaving and another taking over (planned change we knew about) very strange. And unhelpful but our social worker is nice.

TrinnyandSatsuma Tue 10-Dec-13 12:23:05

Hi,

The first 3 profiles we saw (never got to see their CPR's), my husband had concerns about our ability to cope with. I knew he was being rational, but as PP said, my response was more emotional. I would have taken any of them......I think I would have taken all 3! I was really sad to say no to them, but knew we had to be agreed. Looking back, he was right to take a realistic view. After all, if we'd taken on more than we could have coped with, that wouldn't have been fair on the child.

The next profile we saw was for our son. I asked hubbie to read it first and then once he smiled and said "yes, he's a possible" I read his profile. Four months later, we were at panel and getting a unanimous yes :-)

In hindsight, the decision to say no to the first profiles we saw, is incredibly poignant. If we hadn't, we'd never had met our boy. I know how hard it is though. The decision is life changing.

Good luck x

Thanks Trinny I just feel a huge guilt for each child I can't parent and reading these profiles I am filled with sadness for the birth parents too. The whole thing is a very hard and sad process.

Thanks for replying.

Thepoodoctor Tue 10-Dec-13 13:30:01

DC1 - both immediate and instantaneous feeling that this was the right match.

DC2 - had previously looked at many many profiles. DH had an instant sense of recognition. To be honest I was a bit worn out by it all, had more of an initial feeling that this one 'ticked the right boxes', and was swept along by DH strength of feeling. Can't now imagine what I was at - totally the right decision to proceed smile

I think you both need to have an agreed view on what you feel you can and can't cope with. Not an absolutely rigid one but if you find yourself wanting to say yes to a child whose 'criteria' you'd said no to, have a hard think about why you said no to begin with. Emotion may sweep one of you along but not the other, but the other one must be willing to be swept! I think a right of veto is also important - DH vetoed one or two profiles I might have pursued further and he was probably right.

It is awful to say no to a child, but the matching process is about finding the right child for the right parents. The child you say yes to may be one where many others have said no, because they're right for YOU. Both our wonderful DC were apparently harder to place and im still blowed if I know why the world wasn't queuing up for them grin

Also, I think this is an extra difficult process because you also have your birth DD to consider. There will be profiles you say no to because they don't fit her needs.

Good luck with it all!

MyFeetAreCold Tue 10-Dec-13 14:05:40

The only profile we saw was of our now DCs. Our SW pretty much picked them for us, which obviously she was able to do having spent the 6 previous months getting to know us.

Did you complete a matching form? Maybe you and DH could revisit that and see if what you think has changed any? (ie make sure you and DH are on the same page about what you want without there being an actual profile in the mix to complicate things)

I know of one couple who agreed not to look at pictures til they had decided yay or nay. We didn't get that chance as the profile had the pics front and centre.

Good luck!

Moomoomie Tue 10-Dec-13 17:19:44

How daft to change SW after panel, she will have got to know you so well, hey ho!
Myfeet has a good idea to review your matching form.
We didn't see pictures of the girls until we had agreed on a match, it seemed easier, not looking at these adorable faces.
When dd3 was born it was a very easy decision for us to say yes, but I did ask not to see photos before we had gone to matching panel.
It must be difficult if the photos are attached to the profile.

mrsballack Tue 10-Dec-13 18:25:16

We were only shown two profiles. I immediately wanted both of them. Hubby was much more sensible and he was very right in raising concerns about the first set we were shown. There were lots of red flags which our social worker agreed with. She was not sure why we were even shown the first profile. The second one we both immediately felt was right, there was nothing which raised major issues, and we are both happy with the decision.

It is very odd to get a totally new social worker after approval. The only reason our old one saw the profiles is that we were not approved when they sent them to us.

Moomoomie and Mrsballack changing social worker seems to be the way round here. Not sure why.

Mrsballack I think you went to panel sometime before me, is your little one home now?

mrsballack Wed 11-Dec-13 09:33:47

We ended up at panel in November. All being well the little ones should be coming home at the end of January. Just got matching panel to get through at the start of jan. keeping everything crossed.

We got really lucky in the social worker switch in that our new one is even nicer than our first.

Sadoldbag Thu 12-Dec-13 17:41:52

We decided to look at profiles separately keeping in mind the age , sex and raced me had agreed then looked at the children who picked who were the same which narrowed it down to about 6

Then we looked at the amount of contact that each children would end up having some children had serval indirect contacts serval direct contacts ect which we did not want out of the 6 only 3 had contact we would find acceptable then asked sw she ruled out 1'so we were left with 2 profiles
Then we ds(14) helped us choose out of the 2

We felt very strongly he needed to be a part of the matching process

Sad excellent, well done, must have taken ages to read all those profiles!

Sadoldbag Thu 12-Dec-13 18:19:40

Oh my god it did

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