negative parents

(18 Posts)
Dlass Fri 06-Dec-13 21:54:51

bit of a rant. my dh and I have a son of 6.5 years and after2 years if thinking about it, we decided to apply to adopt. we have had our application accepted and have attended our initial 2 day training and are due to complete stage one in a couple of weeks. my problem is my mum. she will not discuss the fact I am adopting, she just keeps referring to my son as so special and if I bring round the subject of us adopting. she just says "it's such a big decision". she is really getting me down. am I being unreasonable to expect her to support me/us?

Devora Fri 06-Dec-13 23:11:32

My family thought it was a really bad idea for me to have my birth child. And then they thought it was a really bad idea for me to adopt - nothing like a bit of positive support, is there?

A few thoughts for you:

- She is obviously feeling protective of your ds, and maybe would soften if you could discuss with her the benefits of this for him, and reassure her that the sw will assess him too as they also have a duty of care to him and will want to ensure this works for him?

- You could just leave her a book to read: BAAF do a good short one.

- She may just come round in time - my mum did, moved from dead against it to saying, "If I'd known she would be so cute, I'd have supported you all along" (nothing like unconditional love!)

- You will, though, need to discuss with the sw how you will handle it if she doesn't come round, as you clearly can't have her taking against your new child. There are previous threads on this topic, so worth a search to see what others have advised.

Good luck.

tea4two4three Fri 06-Dec-13 23:22:29

The first time my DH and I mentioned adoption to anyone it was shrugged off, dismissed, laughed about, we had rolled eyes, raised eyebrows, the 'yeah yeah yeah' look and were finally talked out of it by the in-laws who came up with any number of adoption horror stories, told us how sad they were that they wouldn't have 'real' grandchildren and the a great line 'you are entitled to your 2.4' said as they walked out of the room on us. A few years later we finally went for it, without telling anyone this time as it's what we wanted to do, we told them when they had to meet the social worker as references. They couldn't be anymore supportive and even, dare I say it, excited.
I don't think anyone quite believes you when you say it out loud for the first time. As it goes on she may ask more questions, especially if the SW wants to meet her, and become more involved. Failing that buy her the book No Matter What as a Christmas present and she'll soon understand what an amazing thing it is you are doing and the importance of it. GC number two will be just as special. It's a fear of the unknown that does it.

Ps it was recently revealed to us that my FILs cousins are adopted, something neither my husband and I knew, and in is words 'to me they are my cousins and I never thought any different' then why all the !?£!ing fuss when we first told you? Blimmin parents!

Pps YANBU (is that right?) get her told! wink

Dlass congratulatins on making this decison.

You asked 'am I being unreasonable to expect her to support me/us?'

I would say no, you are not being unreasonable.... but, you mother has probably heard a few horror stories about adoption and wants to protect you and your son from this. These feelings of protection are natural and good (IMHO) she may need time to come round to the idea, she may need information as Devora says to be reasurred your DS will be integral to the situaion and accessment. She may be hankering after another birth child and it may or may not help to tell her why you have chosen the adoptin route if she does not yet know.

She may even eventually take her cue from you and as she sees you happy and excited she will take her lead from you. If she does not, at some point you may need to explain that if she is not on board with the adoption it may limit how much time you and your son and your new baby/child can be around her. But before it comes to that ask her honestly to share her concerns (if she wishes to/if you wish to) and give her considered and informative answers (go away and look up answers if you need to). Once she sees you are being thoughtful and considered this may help her to see you are not just jumping in with both f eet and your eyes shut! Which all of us in this process know is just not possible anyway (eyes shut etc) because all the way through we reflect on our decisons and count the cost, whether we are married or single, have birth children or have already adopted or have never had children, we all know it will impact on our lives and we all consider carefully.

If it were me I would try and turn the tables on her comments and see if you can yes... he's so spceial, yes he is and we feel he woudl benfit from a subling.... anotehr one woudl also be very special and would need ouor love and care just as DS does....it's such a big decision... yes it is ..please hel me think through all the aspects of it openly.... etc. Having said all this my own mum has not go the capacity to do thi, sadly, but my mother in law does and we talked about some aspects of it together.

RudolphLovesoftplay Sat 07-Dec-13 06:09:59

Hi, when we adopted we chose not to tell my FiL as he would have been very negative about it. Instead we told him after matching panel that his grandsons were coming home. We were very upfront with SS about the reasons for doing this, and they totally understood. My parents were fully on board from the outset.

Our LA ran a training day for family and friends to attend, they said it was fab. Is that an option?

Dlass Sat 07-Dec-13 20:33:14

thankyou so much for your supportive comments. I've bought the books recommended from amazon today.

Kewcumber Sat 07-Dec-13 21:26:38

tbh I'd use the book to hit her across the back of the head and say "don't be a berk mum, get with us or be left behind"!

My mum was extremely supportive of DS's adoption right up to the point that she realised what his potential health problems were. Then she became the witch from hell for a few weeks.

Once I'd decided to go ahead and it was clear to her I was going ahead with or without her, she did switch back to very supportive mode. The unsupportive bit was a nightmare though and at a time when I probably needed the most emotional support of all. And I was single so I was alone - it wasn't great.

But mainly she was worried about me and I do get that, I just wish she'd dropped it or kept it quieter and didn't feel the need to share with me quite so vocally what she thought.

She is a very devoted Granny though so all ended well.

Practice your swan impression and make clear to her very calmly that it isn;t her decision and if she wants to sound off about it then she needs to do it to someone else or see less of you...

tea4two4three Sat 07-Dec-13 22:16:05

Haha Kew, great suggestion for the book, but for that I'd use a hardback attachment in parenting one that's got a bit more weight behind it.
Our SW asked us yesterday if we'd talked with FIL about the challenges/problems our adopted child my face/have, it turned out when she'd been doing the reference bit with them he'd come out and asked if she could make sure we got a normal one. I asked my MIL about it today and she said she can't remember what he said exactly but she remembers wanting to push him out of the room and wishing he'd shut up. I may use one of our books the whack him with. Parenting From the Inside Out is currently in view and is a hard back grin

Kewcumber Sat 07-Dec-13 23:55:30

I have Adoption Parenting - a Toolkit which is a soft cover but about 2 inches thick so would do the job nicely.

MyFeetAreCold Sun 08-Dec-13 00:38:05

My PILs weren't anti but the certainly weren't very pro either at the start, (and we didn't already have a pfb for them to 'protect'). They seemed to be fairly wilfully not listening to us talk about the process, the children, the issues they may have and so on and we did end up getting quite exasperated with them.

Then as soon as we were approved it was like a switch was flicked. I really couldn't have asked for more and they couldn't have been kinder and though they've not yet them met (our choice) I fully expect that they'll treat the new grandchildren as well as they treat the existing ones.

I really do think it was all just so alien to them, they couldn't process it and after approval it became real.

Fingers crossed when your mum sees you're serious and starts understanding more, she'll get on board.

Good luck!

tea4two4three Tue 10-Dec-13 19:13:27

It's happened. Got in from work tonight and DH had been accosted by his parents. They want to know what the social worker has been asking us, why she needs to know so much about our family relationships and that they think this is a bad idea, basically as it's none of the social workers business (and they are nervous we are going to make them out to be horrible people somehow). He had to spend 45mins explaining to them why it was important that the SW knew about his relationship with his autistic brother and how it was growing up with this. They are not happy. And there goes the support and excitement I so confidently typed about not a week ago. Blurgh!

Kewcumber Tue 10-Dec-13 19:41:07

It's a roller coaster T4two, try not to worry too much about it. The problem with even the most supportive of family is that they have virtually no control and all they can do is worry about how its going to turn out.

Just smile and nod and make reassuring noises. And plod on.

tea4two4three Tue 10-Dec-13 19:57:12

Funnily enough he has recommended a book to them, I wonder if it's the one I'd planned on hitting them with...

Dlass Fri 27-Dec-13 16:59:43

well i decided not to speak to my mum about the adoption any more and i wrapped a bpok from baaf on adoption and gandparents for christmas. to date my mum has not yet aknowleged she has recieved it. have decided she is an emotional retard!!!!

At least you are trying. Hope she does acknowledge it.

KristinaM Fri 27-Dec-13 17:42:47

Dlass -hope it works out for you ok

BTW, best not to use the word " retard " on mumsnet as lots of people find it offensive . I'm sure you didn't mean to upset , so just thought id mention it for future reference

Sadoldbag Fri 27-Dec-13 22:36:08

Would worry op we are three week into placement and in laws have not called or asked any questions with out promoting also did not respond to our announcement card with baby's picture on and arrival date.

We don't care and it's there loss

We have a lovely baby and we not let any one rain on our parade

CMP69 Sun 29-Dec-13 13:56:15

I came on to start a thread like this
Dh and I have a 5yo ds but have had very early discussions about adoption. No decision made yet but I worry my Father (not DF at all sad ) and MIL will be very anti us having "someone elses child" living with us and their grandson. Would this be a stumbling block for SW and panels?

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