Is this adoption or confidence.

(9 Posts)
allthingswillpass Tue 19-Nov-13 20:15:43

We have a LO placed 5 months ago aged now 2.5yrs.
He is a confident little one, came from a very busy foster placement knowing and socialising with an enormous amount of adults and there isn't much that phases him.
We had an uncle visit this weekend who he has met once and spoken to/seen on the tablet (once a fortnight at the most) as they live a long way away.
Uncle is fantastic with kids, has worked with them for many years.
From the moment he arrived, our LO treated him like he'd always known him, engaging with him, inviting him to play, sitting on his knee.
It was completely child led and my question is should we be worried? should we go back into lock down or is LO just a confident toddler who hasn't yet learnt stranger danger - that is our ongoing project.
Then in the supermarket LO was trying to get the attention of a man he didn't know in the queue.
Thank you in anticipation.

MaryQueenOfSpots Tue 19-Nov-13 21:03:24

FWIW, at the same age my DS (biological child) used to launch himself at any male and call them "daddy" - I was mortified on many occasion at toddler groups and playgrounds. I did tell DS to play with the children or talk to me, not bother other grownups. I do think adopted or not, somechildren need to learn who 'their' grownups' are. He has grown out of it now, but is still a very sociable little person, so I haven't completely squashed his natural personality.

Obviously the issues with adoption are more complex in terms of bonding and attachment issues and I can see why you are mulling it over. I hope some experienced adopters can help.

allthingswillpass Tue 19-Nov-13 21:26:53

Thanks Mary. X

Devora Tue 19-Nov-13 22:23:26

I'm not an expert, but I have met a number of adopted children like this - very charming, extrovert, affectionate - and I believe that yes, it can be about adoption. On our prep course we learned that some children going through attachment stuff go into themselves, becoming withdrawn, while others try to bond promiscuously, almost indiscriminately, with any grown-up that crosses their path.

Of course, it may be that your ds does have a naturally outgoing, engaging personality, but given that he came from a busy fc environment and that he has only been with you 5 months, I would put in some extra work to ensure he understands that it is you, his parents, who are his source of security and attachment. I'm sure others have good suggestions on how to do that.

RudolphLovesoftplay Wed 20-Nov-13 05:36:03

It's hard to tell at 2.5, but I guess what will be the decider is if he grows out of it. My DS (now 5.5) still does this, which is of course completely age inappropriate. However, my youngest did it at 2.5 and now at 4.5 wouldn't dream of launching onto a random adult.
Does he do it with total strangers? Like at a soft play or anywhere? That's another way we knew it was adoption related with my oldest, as it was literally any adult that showed him attention.
We are very firm (it can be embarrassing) with DS, saying "do you know this man?" when he is crawling over a random stranger (I apologise to the other person after!!) however, stranger issues remain a problem for us. They are really common for loads of adopted children sadly sad

RudolphLovesoftplay Wed 20-Nov-13 05:42:52

Also to add, we "overdid" looking after him to make him understand it was us who keeps him safe etc. this included going against most other parents ways of doing things, and caused raised eyebrows at times! Including; big fuss over little bumps and scratches, helicopter parenting, helping up climbing frames etc even when he blatantly could do it himself, feeding still at 4, drinking from soppy cups being held for him at 4, carrying places. As I said, you get raised eyebrows, but it's made a huge difference to his attachment to us.
He missed the nurturing when he was a baby so is claiming it back now, that's what I think is going on.

Sparklebum Wed 20-Nov-13 08:58:40

Reading this with interest. We are similar in ages and timescales and can be quite forward with adults. It is.getting better I think (or maybe I'm just getting used to it).

She doesn't climb over all strangers but sometimes she does seem attracted to certain people (almost always men) and at these times doesn't seem to have any stranger danger.

Magslee Wed 20-Nov-13 10:38:23

Similar issues here as well and it is hard to know whether it is personality/development or adoption related. If your DS has been seeing his uncle on the tablet regularly then he may well be someone that he feels he knows well - my DS definitely is more friendly to people he has seen photos of and who I have talked about even if he has not met them often. Also he will (hopefully) be taking cues from you so he will have picked up that his uncle is someone close to you and safe. The supermarket one is a bit different as that is someone completely unknown. When my DS arrived 9 months ago aged 2 he regularly went up to complete strangers and I think would probably have moved in with anyone who smiled at him but now he sticks much more closely to me so I think it was a lot to do with being confused and a bit all over the place with attachment. My DS tried to go off with a random woman this week for the first time in ages and I'm wondering if it might be related to him having started nursery and feeling a bit unsettled. As the others say above sticking close and making sure you are the only one(s) doing the feeding/kissing better/nappy type stuff might help him strengthen attachment. I also tell my son he isn't allowed to talk to anyone he doesn't know unless I talk to them first which he seems to (sort of) understand. At first DS did sometimes seem to make a beeline for a particular person and I did wonder if they were people who reminded him of someone in the foster/birth family - he doesn't seem to do that as much now.

allthingswillpass Wed 20-Nov-13 16:42:49

Thanks all.
Yes LO also speaks to uncle regularly on the phone. So maybe feels he knows uncle.
He seems to be settling well with us and is certainly attaching to both of us. We haven't left him with anyone, we and only we feed, change, bath and we really make a big deal about kissing him better.
He is definitely not shy and seems to have an outgoing personality.
We will just monitor and mention it to SW's.
You are all fab thank you xx

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