Misguided views about adoption: I've had some, maybe because my experience with the care system.....

(42 Posts)
taffleee Wed 13-Nov-13 18:33:52

Okay, hands up, I'm very new to this site, and ventured into a thread about adoption (where I don't think I should have) and I have expressed my apologies for doing so. And I hope they accept my apologies also.

I have had some experience with the care system, I was 'thrown out' of my home (I came from a very wealthy family, but my mum left when I was 11, my dad moved in a 'new young girlfriend who didn't want children, hence, I was thrown out) - my brother was 5 years older, but the 'girlfriend' was quite close to his age, so no probs there, funny enough -

I went through some problems at school, mainly because I was left on my own at home whilst my Dad and his new girlfriend where on nights outs all the time, two week holidays from the Dominican republic to Mexico, and as my mum was nowhere to be seen, and my brother was so much older, and maybe because I was quite resilient, not a health care professional in sight, until I started 'missing school' - and then it came down to ' I have behaviour issues:

There was no looking into my neglect at home, merely it was me, my behaviour, which looking back now was so wrong

I was 'thrown' out at 14, into a 'childrens home' sleeping in a room with a girl who had doused her step dad in petrol meaning to set him alight - my horrific experiences with the care system only start there, but ever since I stepped one inch into the care system there was not a social worker in sight - not one, from horrific foster parents fostering because they wanted a 'conservatory', to ones where I had to wait until their son was asleep in a bed so they could move him to his sisters room, so I could sleep in his bed, only to wake and move me every morning before he woke up in the morning so they could move him back to 'his room' -

I have shared some horrific experiences of my past now, so I would appreciate no 'come backs' or put downs, My life is now a world away, I have a beautiful husband, children, a successful business and things are sweet

However, I'm still under the view that there are a lot of children being taken from mothers/families where there couldn't have been some sort of support, maybe its just me coming from the other side, forever the optimistic maybe - I didn't have the loving parents wanting to keep me, they wanted me out because I disrupted their 'social lives'.

But I have a family now I adore, and loving, adoptive parents aside, which I'm sure you all are, my experience with the 'fostering' side (and I was past through 10 of them before I moved in with my friend) was horrendous -

(I did eventually pass all my exams and had a very successful career in publishing, so maybe there's a plus side to 'digging yourself out of a hole lol')

For anyone who has taken the time to read my 'vent' thanks x Believe it or not its been quite very cathartic to type it xx

How are you feeling taffleee, hope all is well.

taffleee Fri 15-Nov-13 19:27:35

I think I have responded and appreciated everyone's response??? I have not taken offence to anything, as the is nothing to take any offence in?? People have actually very kind and responsive to a thread I posted, and I appreciate every single comment???

taffleee Fri 15-Nov-13 19:24:08

Maryz when did i do that in this thread???? I'm 'baffled'??

Maryz Thu 14-Nov-13 15:09:45

taffleee, do you actually want anyone to reply?

Because jumping on everyone and taking offence to everything is a very strange way to talk to people [baffled]

taffleee my faith is very central to my life and does bring comfort. As I get older I have found my faith is being expressed more in practical ways and yet is also about the inside life, all that thinking and feeling we do as people. I certainly get comfort from God but I also get it from people too, and have found some wonderful supportive people around me, both in the real world and on line.

I hope you find peace amid all these thoughts as you write on here and express things. I can certainly say that these boards have been very supportitve (I used to post on fertility) and have posted on relgion and feminism as well.

Must go to bed now, thinking of you and hoping that these feelings will get more resolved. Tears are usually very good (I used to cry a lot when I was younger!)

taffleee Thu 14-Nov-13 00:09:01

Italian you have faith then?? I'm a total agnostic, always have been, but have posted on an site here regarding faith?

Do you find being a member of a church some comfort, i'm interested??

taffleee the benefit of professinal counselling is that in a sense it is quite annoymous. Yes, of course you see the person you are speaking to but you don't know them personally and if you go somewhere not immediately near your house or job you will most likely not see them often. I am a Christian and see what is called a Spiritual Director, which is a bit of a silly title because they don't direct you as such. Mine lives about 25 minutes away by car and I have only ever run into her about once (and we do have a mutual friend as well, who introduced us). I had counceling at my GP surgery, the fertiity clinic and the hospital (over the years) and never once ran into a counseller outside a session. Not sure if that helps. they do, of course, get to know you but it is very professional and not the same as telling a friend your worries or concerns.

PS Personally I would not feel bad you can't give your kids grandparents, espcially as they are not (by the sound of it) at all nice to be around! My mum has dementia and no real relationship with our dd now, sadly, but I am not sure kids miss that sort of thing. My dd knows kinder older people who we know (through church) and who she can talk to about stuff she is doing at Sunday school etc if she wants to and who are always happy to see scooting about on her scooter (nearly knocking people over!!)

taffleee Wed 13-Nov-13 23:36:53

Figrus I have tried, but no, they still all seem to want to blame me for being a 'bad kid' no matter what success i have made of my life, i have said to both my 'mum and dad' i don't care if you hate me, could you at least send birthday or xmas cards to my sons, your grandsons, but neither will, my brother has two girls, separate mums, who i know my mum is close too, i just feel so guilty i cant give my children grandparents, and I have tried - x

Italian the response youve given is so great - and no, this is the first time ive talked about anything, and to be honest i love the fact its anonymous, as in my life my past is unknown. I'm very sucessful in my career, and before venturing onto this site i didnt realise how much my past effected me -

Dont really know if I could open up to anyone 'face to face' so to speak -

taffleee I am so sorry for your awful experiences. I am very pleased you have made such a success of your life with a marriage, family and career. I wonder if you have ever had any counselling to help you process all the terrible things that happened to you. My friend lost her mum at 11 (to cancer) and went rather 'off the rails' in her teens and twenties. In fact I know several people who (while children or teenagers) have lost their mums either because they died or left. It must be terrible and I am sure can be very damaging and even worse when compounded by the experiences you have had.

I have not had any such experiences but I have had quite a bit of counselling over the years for anxiety, infertility and other things. I have found it to be very healing, freeing and helpful. I would recommend it. I only say this because you have said you are crying so much, these tears can be very helpful in helping you to know how deeply these things are affecting you. I know you have said you are a very positive person and that is brilliant. I am too. But I think that getting help to process and heal the memories of the past is very useful for some.

I am not as experienced as others in the current care system so cannot comment on that, and I am not trying to discourage you from talking, I just hope you will, if appropriate for you, get help from someone who is a qualified counsellor. They won't be able to sort out the emotions for you, they may be able to help you to feel a sense of peace about the past.

figrus Wed 13-Nov-13 23:18:41

Taffleee, it sounds like you had horrific experiences in care. Are you still in touch with your birth family?

taffleee Wed 13-Nov-13 23:10:19

Not at all Devora , in fact if you had read this thread, Morethan posted her personal experience in response to me, which was very lovely and most appreciated-

I did start this thread, and you have the right to comment - I don't take offence lightly, but please, I did express some personal experiences, if you don't think you can contribute to the thread, just dont post??

Devora Wed 13-Nov-13 22:44:32

Oh, ok hmm

One other reason for posting on Chat might be that the relatively small number of posters on the adoption board may soon give up responding to you, as everything we say seems to cause offence.

taffleee Wed 13-Nov-13 22:43:59

eirik thanks for calling my total life 'weird' - I cried my heart out writing my personal experience with the care system, only to have you call me 'weird' -


Weird thread

Kewcumber Wed 13-Nov-13 22:30:07

You read belittlement and accusation where there is none.

Kewcumber Wed 13-Nov-13 22:29:27

I wasn't suggesting you should have been aware of the lack of resources confused

I thought you wanted to discuss why there wasn't more support for parents before their children were taken into care. One of the reasons is lack of resources. I tied it back to your case because you used it as an example of how more support should have been given.

I Just really think social services should look more into the homes such as the one I came from. I was commenting (at one point) about this.

taffleee Wed 13-Nov-13 22:16:12

Devora this thread is just about a personal point of view - I'm not leaping, just responding -

Thanks for 'belittling' me, you do have the right to not comment on my thread, you know

taffleee Wed 13-Nov-13 22:12:13

Morethan the one thing you have said that has really hit home is just having that one person that can make it all stop -

Its ridiculous how much that hits home, and so true - x

Devora Wed 13-Nov-13 22:10:00

taffleee, I think you keep leaping from your own personal experience to making generalised statements about fostering and adoption today, and it's a bit confusing for the rest of us to know how you want us to respond.

In any case, it is several years since you were fostered and many things have changed.

There's no shame in having a thread all about you - most people would need to reflect on the awful stuff you've been through. Why not start a thread in Chat, where you will reach a wider group of posters?

taffleee Wed 13-Nov-13 22:07:04

Morethan thank you, and i'm so glad for you, ive been in tears writing this, and I'm so glad you've been adopted by such loving parents and you feel loved now -

I wish I had parents who loved me though, I miss just not having that mum person - and so love your post morethan

Why am I crying so much.............

taffleee Wed 13-Nov-13 22:01:40

Kew But at the time I wasn't aware of the 'lack of resources ' I was just a child in need -

I'm talking on this thread of my own personal experiences, and how it affected ME! Not hypertheticly or how it may effect others, just my own personal experience - from being within the care system -

I didn't know how others where more 'in need' at the time, just that I nearly died one night from sleeping in the snow, from being kicked out by a 'foster mum', because I put make up on her pillow.............. hyperthermia from a foster mum after being also kicked in the face at 1am - does that put me in the 'bracket'??/

morethanpotatoprints Wed 13-Nov-13 21:57:33

OP, I am so sorry you have had to go through what you did, it isn't fair and it isn't right.
I am so glad you have a family and are doing so well despite your awful beginnings.
I can't imagine what it must have been like and thank my lucky stars everyday I was adopted by my parents, who were wonderful.
I have heard of stories like yours and I find it so disgusting that nobody was there to make it all stop and give you the security you needed.

Kewcumber Wed 13-Nov-13 21:53:59

I also have come across cases where birth parents are given support/chances eg mother and baby units but don't seem to grasp thats it often (due to resources) a one shot deal. Fuck up and you're out.

There are interesting initiatives which are becoming more common eg when childrne are on teh at risk register (or whatever its called these days) pre-birth they are often placed in immediate foster care with a view to encouraging birth family to step up to the plate. Concurrent planning can last up to 6-9 months I think and about 15% of birth family do manage to succesfully parent the child.

Kewcumber Wed 13-Nov-13 21:49:47

I don;t think Eirikur was accusing you of anything - she questioenned whether your "feeling" that there are a lot of children being taken from mothers/families is in fact the reality.

I have many many friends who have adopted and acquaintances through them of many more and I haven't yet come across a case where it was safe to leave the child with the birth parent any longer. Some children had been left too long as it is - all I know came to adoptive parents either significantly physically or sexually abused or very young and drug addicted at birth whose paretns have not been able to address their lifestyle enough to safely parent a child (there are many functioning drug and alcohol addicted paretns).

Unfortunately in your case I suspect the real issue is a lack of resources. If you have a huge case load, who will you spend the time on - the 2 year old who has just been filmed by neighbours being thrown against the wall and now has a borken arm or the teenager who parents say is acting out and are happy for them to go into a group home and/or foster care.

I agree that the standard of foster care is patchy. From excellent to diabolical.

Yes I've read the thread, I'm not looking for a row nor to accuse you of knocking adopters. I'm asking why you have a belief that lots of parents whose children are removed and placed for adoption could have kept them, if only they had more support. It's a strange view to hold without evidence, especially when most evidence points to the contrary position, ie that every effort is made to keep children with parents and adoption is relatively rare.

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