Agh! Fuming!

(56 Posts)
Lilka Sun 10-Nov-13 13:29:29

She's really pulled one off this time

This week has been confrontational. She is controlling, oppositional and just nasty sometimes.

On Friday she got out the wrong side of bed and started calling me "cunt". As in, "What's for breakfast, cunt?" She knows what's for breakfast, she has the same damn breakfast every single morning. She just needed an opportunity to call me names. First I tried "I'm not answering your questions unless you call me something polite" so she started yelling and throwing things. She came home from college, and started the same thing again. So I decided to change tactics and refused to answer to anything except 'cunt'. She said "hey fuckwit" and I ignored her and when she repeated it I informed her that since my new name was cunt, she must address me as 'cunt' before I talk to her. This momentarily stunned her and then she started tantrumming again. I kept it up all evening. DD1 came round alone for dinner as a mini break from parenting, and I bribed her into joining in, which she thought was very funny. "Hey, cunt, can you pass me the salt please?" etc. Hasten to add, DS was round a friends house for dinner, so he didn't hear this. DD2 was so angry that her attempt at being mean backfired badly that eventually she just yelled at DD1 "oh my god, stop calling her cunt, muuuummmm she's being rude to you". And then stomped off. I privately savoured the victory. I should have known she'd do something else

Yesterday she stood and watched me brush my teeth and wash my face. She literally stared at me. It was unnerving

She did the same thing this morning

A couple of hour ago, DS ran downstairs to inform me that he'd just seen DD2 dunking and rubbing my toothbrush in the toilet. FFS.

I stopped being creative and yelled at her. While she screamed that she didnt do it. Even though my toothbrush was wet so it was kind of obvious.

Then I went in to talk to her and she made it very obvious (while attempting to deny all knowledge) that she did it on Friday evening as revenge for me raining on her swearing parade and watched me brushing my teeth yesterday and today to savour the victory

I am so fucking angry. And disgusted.

She has lost her pocket money and savings from her piggy bank. I took her to the supermarket with me and her money and she watched me spend it on a new toothbrush

Then i spent 15 minutes brushing my teeth again with my nice new toothbrush. Which is now locked in the medicine cabinet.

She is STILL mad. Now she is angry that she has lost her pocket money because her horrible evil mother is mean to her for no reason hmm I feel like she is building up to a mega tantrum/rage and until she gets that out her system she is not going to calm down. This is a bit scary.

The main point of this is - I had toilet water in my mouth and I am SO PISSED OFF ABOUT IT.

Rant end angry

Moomoomie Sun 10-Nov-13 13:40:01

Oh dear. Lilka, I really don't know what to say.partly I'm laughing at your ingenuity at only answering to "cunt"
The more you talk of dd2 the more I agree that she has FASD. I went on a study day on Friday about it which was really interesting. I am going to email the speaker and ask for the slides/ power point presentation she used. If I manage to receive it, I could email you a copy if you like.
The most I teresting point she made was that, none of the tested methods, ie play therapy, counselling, life storŷ work, will work on a child with FASD.

Moomoomie Sun 10-Nov-13 13:41:20

Also, they don't understand ownership, possessions. Or understand that they are lying. Such a minefield.

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Sun 10-Nov-13 13:51:49

Toilet water - apparently it is pretty clean, because so much extra than necessary gets washed down that nothing germy remains.

The cunt thing - genius.

Everything else - hang in there, detach, try not to react. She is really pushing for a fight (ds does that) and wants you to react so it can all be your fault.

Maybe she will get bored [hopeful] ds never does

Lilka Sun 10-Nov-13 14:42:19

Moomoomie - that sounds very interesting, yes I'd love a copy if you can get the slides smile Lying is almost a compulsion for her sadly - she will only tell the truth (ie. own up to something) if you pause and give her time to think a bit, anything immediate and she'll just lie. If you ask her 'why did you do x,y,z/lie about it' she'd just look at you blankly or make up a lie about that

Maryz - Bored??!! Hahahahaha grin I've borrowed some advice from another mum/foster carer of kids like DD and told her I bet she can't jump on the trampoline for an hour. So she's off to accept the challenge, and I hope burn off some of the energy required to keep up the oppositional behaviour

I am acting very detached and calm. I can save my ranting for Mumsnet! Also she is most definitely pushing for a fight.

Is toilet water really that clean? Okay, the water is clean but the sides of the bowl probably have invisible dried urine and invisible poo particles on. It's grossing me out badly, even though my mouth could not possibly be cleaner this moment after my frenzied tooth brushing session and copious use of mouthwash!!

I thought my cunt tactic was quite clever too wink grin I nicked that off another adoptive mum as well

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 10-Nov-13 14:50:03

Apologies for the Daily Mail link, but ice from takeaways is worse than toilet water, if that helps... (I know it doesn't. Hang in there.)

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Sun 10-Nov-13 16:00:45

The thing is that germs in your own toilet are your own germs. They aren't as likely to make you sick as you think they will, as they are floating around your own system anyway.

So whatever is in the invisible dried urine and poo is probably just what's in your stomach anyway <generalises hugely in a totally non-knowledgable but ignorantly supportive manner>

What to do about the tantrum, I don't know. I have to confess to occasionally deliberately having the row that I know is coming, because the alternative is to live with an increasingly wound-up elastic band. Sometimes just cutting it and taking the consequences clears the air.

Which I'm sure is absolutely the wrong advice but sometimes needs must

musickeepsmesane Sun 10-Nov-13 16:17:01

Ingenious. I have tried all sorts of tactics and always found when you get the right balance of nonsense and couldn't care less it works like a dream. I once made a bogey sandwich because I was beyond fed up if watching that finger drilling up there. Also I started dressing inside our and back to front. So we matched. Both these worked beautifully for a while. I like the website mylittleprince and fasd stories on American mums blogs. They share about their little radishes. (Diagnosis severe rad so extreme parenting)

ghostonthecanvas Sun 10-Nov-13 16:21:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

musickeepsmesane Sun 10-Nov-13 16:51:15

[Blush]
RAD stories, not FASD. reactive attachment disorder.

Lilka Sun 10-Nov-13 19:30:17

Sigh

<Chris Tarrant voice>

When you're an angry 17 year old with a serious trauma history, PTSD, FASD and attachment issues, and your mum makes you buy her a new toothbrush with your pocket money and piggy bank savings, since you stuck her old one down the bog, do you:

A) Apologise and admit your wrongdoing. Express sadness that you now can't buy the things you wanted to buy because you've lost your money, but recognise that it was your own fault

OR

B) Go rant on Facebook to your birth mum, and tell your birth mum that your evil mum took away your pocket money and piggy bank money for NO REASON at all, she just wanted some more money for herself, and hence make your birth mum angry and upset on your behalf. Express deep sadness to your birth mum that you now can't buy the things you wanted to buy, then be pleased by the support and affirmation of how deeply unfair it was to have your money stolen from you.

Hmmmm....hmmmm....it's a tricky question. Tell you what, I'll extend the time limit on answering to make it more fair for you the contestants. Anyone want to phone a friend or ask the audience for advice? wink

Lilka Sun 10-Nov-13 19:32:40

Should say that I'm not too bothered by this, birth mum can fall for whatever she wants to fall for, and DD isn't going to get anything out of this

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Sun 10-Nov-13 19:37:44

B of course hmm

Especially when her AMum is a right bitch who is always punishing her for no reason at all.

RudolphLovesoftplay Sun 10-Nov-13 19:38:52

I have been in this board for yonks and only just realised I don't know what FASD means hmm I always thought it was foetal alcohol, but it's not is it? Sorry for total ignorance but could someone fill me in?

Lilka Sun 10-Nov-13 19:43:16

WRONG, Maryz, the answer is A! wink grin

Rudolph Yes it is Foetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, you're right smile

RandomMess Sun 10-Nov-13 19:44:03

Can I just say.

You're all amazing, I'd have disappeared to a desert island one my own by now!

Lilka Sun 10-Nov-13 19:44:59

I sometimes refer to DD as having FAE (Foetal Alcohol Effects) as well, which is another (superceded by using 'FASD' in most places i think) way of saying alcohol exposure has caused neurological/behavioural etc issues, but no facial symptoms, facial symptoms lead to a dx of full FAS

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Sun 10-Nov-13 19:45:14

No, you wouldn't Random.

We aren't amazing (well, actually Lilka is pretty amazing, but most of us aren't), we just take everything one day at a time.

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Sun 10-Nov-13 19:46:47

I'm beginning to wonder whether or not ds's birth mother might have had alcohol or drug issues.

The more I read on here the less convinced I am of his AS diagnosis, I've often wondered was there more to it. And we have no background information about him at all.

<ponders>

Lilka Sun 10-Nov-13 19:47:46

I'm no more amazing than Maryz is, and many of the other mums here. Honestly Maryz you're one of the people I'll always ask for advice on difficult teen issues, you've been such a help this year with your message of detachment and looking after myself, I need reminding of that a lot

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Sun 10-Nov-13 19:50:24

We should set up a Mutual Admiration Society.

Though, really, a quick trip over to the SN boards is enough to convince me that parents will do anything, literally anything for their children.

We only realise how much we can cope with when it's chucked at us. And pretty much every parent copes with what they have to cope with. That's what's amazing.

Hayleyh34 Sun 10-Nov-13 19:51:49

Don't know what to say Lilka as that all sounds so tough. Didn't want not add my support though.

Stay strong

RandomMess Sun 10-Nov-13 19:53:40

You are though, because you have taken one day at a time, and you come here and tell it how it is - no sugar coating.

I often think that just the level of emotional neglect that went on that isn't known about could be enough to contribute to issues as well as the crap you do know about IYSWIM.

RudolphLovesoftplay Sun 10-Nov-13 19:55:42

Oh ok!! Lilka, you are bloody amazing, the things I read on here that you have dealt with are mind boggling. I admire you immensely and when my boys are older I hope I have your courage.

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Sun 10-Nov-13 19:57:19

Yes, I think that is right.

I've realised over the years that what happens in pregnancy has a much greater effect on a child than anyone realises. Not just drink/drugs/lack of food, but also stress/upset/emotional issues.

It must be awful to be pregnant and find yourself in a position where you don't want/can't keep your child. Or that your life is such a mess you simply can't cope.

I had a horrible pregnancy with ds2. But I also had a husband, enough money to buy in a couple of mornings help with the older ones, and very supportive parents. And food and shelter.

I can't imagine having to do it all alone as both my children's birth mothers did sad

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