Abusive adopted daughter

(11 Posts)
Hermitinnextlife Sun 10-Nov-13 12:34:11

Hi. I am new to mums net and in need of any advice. We adopted our Daughter at the age of 4 years. She is now 15.7 yrs. firstly I must says before all the negative stuff that when she is calm she is lovely, loveable, funny, pretty, kind and thoughtful.
Unfortunately most of the time she is grumpy, accusing, feeling the world is against her etc. I know these are normal teenage issues but she's been like it since the beginning of living with us. I fully understand her psychological needs for the baggage she carries. We have been to psychologist twice and diagnosed with attachment disorder.
She has been refusing to go to school but on the whole school have been supportive and we're getting her there. But when she refuses to go to school we remove her mobile phone and tablet. When my husband is not around I end up covered in bruises. I could go on for a very long time about her negative behaviour but my real question is what are her tights and ours if we ask her to leave our home at 16. I dont want to see her in the gutter and would like to find out ad much as i can before we make this heart wrenching decision. I asked the adoption support social worker but was signposted to the MAT team at school. Still to do so. We do love her but can't walk on egg shells any longer

Hermitinnextlife Sun 10-Nov-13 12:36:03

Sorry her rights not tights

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Sun 10-Nov-13 13:48:57

I have gone through this.

I think you have to take out the references to adoption and then look at the issues again. She is hitting out because she is angry, and obviously it isn't fair for you to put up with it. But if she was your birth child would you ask her to leave at 16?

If you would, then fine. Work with ss and the school to see if you can find accommodation etc for her. But I have found that there is little help, so ds is still at home.

If you wouldn't throw her out if she was your birth child, then it shouldn't be different because she is adopted.

I would start with practicalities. Sit her down, and tell her that from this day on there will be no violence in your house, and if she is violent you will call 999. Then do it.

I only had to do it once.

Work out what punishments work (I doubt removing her phone will make her go to school) and use those, but don't punish her just because you feel you ought to.

Let school deal with the school issues - they will call social services in if necessary.

quietlysuggests Sun 10-Nov-13 15:29:37

You say : "I fully understand her psychological needs"

But the problem is that you don't.

If she has an attachment disorder then 2 visits to a psychologist doesn't cut it I'm afraid.
Where is the CAMHS team, the psychologist and the family therapist as well as the expert in behavioural disorders including attachment?

You need to start at square 1 and go find help for your daughter.

Talking about chucking her out at age 16 makes it read as though you are a large part of her problem, so I would have a serious think about whether you are really that person.

Lilka Sun 10-Nov-13 15:29:48

I'm sorry you are going through this. Attachment disorder is just bloody hard work and very difficult to live with

Your safety has to be a priority, and I agree with Maryz that you need to seriously consider calling the police if she is violent. She will have to deal with the consequences of what she has done, but you should not be living with that. If she knows you will call the police and WILL do it, you may find she stops. Another thing you can do is, if you have bruises on your arm, wear a top with no sleeves and when someone who knows DD asks why you are so bruised, tell the truth. If DD thinks her family, people she knows etc are going to find out about her violence, she also might stop (I know a family who stopped their son's deliberate violence by doing that)

Leaving home is a big step, but if you can't live safely with her without being at physical risk and you've tried the police and everything else, it might be the only option. Pre-16 there is the most support. 16-18 is an iffy area generally. Support for homeless 16-18 year olds varies and there might not be a lot at all. She can certainly choose to leave home at 16, and you can also kick her out, but she can't get full time work until a certain date, in some areas she can't claim certain benefits without a letter signed from you via a solicitor stating you have made her homeless and she can't live with you (dunno how the new system is changing all this or whether it is), really you need to get some advice about what will and will not be available to her if you were to make her homeless post 16, or even demand she goes into care aged 15. The older she gets, the less support will be available to her.

duchesse Sun 10-Nov-13 15:37:53

I don't know much about this but I though that UK adopted children who had been in care before adoption (ie most adopted children) are still eligible for certain services specifically provided for care leavers.

I agree with whoever already said this- no-one sensibly chucks out their 16 yo when they become difficult, adopted or birth child. Most teenagers are difficult. Eventually they come through it. Chucking her out would be abdication. Or like having an aging pet put down because it's become inconvenient. Adoption is full-scale parenthood, and parenthood is for life.

I'm sorry you're having trouble but she is your child and you need to access the best services for her that you can, not give up now the going's got tough. And MaryZ always speaks sense.

KristinaM Sun 10-Nov-13 18:40:39

The OP is a victim of domestic violence. Just a little bit more understanding and a little less judgement on the part of some posters would be nice. You know who you are .

OP, I have found that the police are excellent and very helpful on child on parent violence whereas SS are not. The police seem to " get it " straight say where as SS can be stuck in the 1950s " what did you do to make her so angry? " etc

Inthechelseahotel Sun 10-Nov-13 21:35:20

hermit you sound at the end of your tether. I hope you get the help and advice you need thanks

Noseyparker5 Sun 10-Nov-13 23:04:58

Please ignore the awful judgemental replies, I've never posted before but felt moved by your plight. I would suggest you post on the Adoption Uk message Boards, you will find a lot of experienced and knowledgeable adopters who would be willing to support you. Unfortunately they have recently changed the message boards to members only, but the organisation also gives support and advice if people are in difficulty.

Living with a very damaged child who is emotionally and physically abusive is unbelievably hard and quite different from most people's experiences of parenting. Unfortunately there is very little support available and this is particularly true when children turn 16. You may have to shout and make a fuss to get CAHMS and Social care to support you, it's disgraceful there isn't more support. I agree with the advice regarding the police, we and others have found them very supportive.

It's not ok to have to live with violence, where ever it comes from. I am so sorry someone said you are part of the problem, unfortunately there are always people who are quick to judge. I really hope things improve for you, but please remember it is not your fault.

Lilka Sun 10-Nov-13 23:36:23

Unfortunately a large number of the poster on AUK who have experience raising very difficult teenagers, were so annoyed and upset with the new board upgrade, they've all left AdoptionUK behind and set up their own new forum on some hosting site (I think, I barely know anything about setting up websites and forum technology etc). Result - suddenly a lot of the support/collective experience the AdoptionUK forum used to have, has literally vanished in a month.

If anyone wants to PM me, I know the new forum address they've got, I think for serious issues you could probably register there and not use AUK, you'd get better ideas

FarelyKnuts Australia Sun 10-Nov-13 23:41:59

OP have you heard of Non Violent Resistance? If not have a Google. It is a programme that is proving to be very effective in dealing with children who are violent at home.
I work with families using this programme and it is effective. PM me if you think it would help

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