Is there a guide somewhere?

(19 Posts)
lifesgreatquestions Sun 10-Nov-13 09:18:45

Hi, I'm wondering about adoption after two years of ttc/mc and getting too old for natural conception. I imagine we would be thought of as suitable parents. I'm sure I'm not the first to say this but I only want to adopt a newborn. Is this possible here or do I have to look abroad?

Kewcumber Sun 10-Nov-13 09:31:25

do you mean newborn like a few weeks?

As far as I know the only place you will be able to achieve that is in the US through a private adoption where you are chosen by the birth mother in advance of birth. All other countries I know of, children will be a minimum of 6 months and to be honest that young is rare normally 10months to 2 years.

You can get very young baby in UK through concurrent planning where you foster a child from birth or very early on but there is always the risk (from your perspective) that birth family manage to step up to the plate and succesfully parent the child when the child will be returned to them. I think rough estimates are this happens in 15-20% of cases.

RudolphLovesoftplay Sun 10-Nov-13 09:35:23

I may be wrong, and someone more knowledgable will be along soon, but it's very very hard to adopt newborns anywhere in the world, including the UK and USA. You may be able to do concurrent fostering, but again it's quite an untested route at present. Out of curiosity, why newborn? You would have much more chance if you opened you options to under 2's. I know at least 3 adopters who adopted their children very young (all were established foster carers with the babies placed with them from birth so strictly the child wasn't adopted until they were older, and they never intended to adopt, it just happened) who have significant attachment issues. Adopting young doesn't necessarily make it easier.

RudolphLovesoftplay Sun 10-Nov-13 09:36:59

I knew Kew would know grin

lifesgreatquestions Sun 10-Nov-13 09:59:40

Thanks both for your advice. The last 3 months of pregnancy and first 3 months of life are crucial for some hormones that regulate emotions. That doesn't mean a child won't grow on to have difficulties, but this time is crucial. It's my area of expertise and therefore makes it too hard for me to consider older children.

I'm also looking into surrogacy. Just wondering about all my options. I really appreciate your advice.

Lilka Sun 10-Nov-13 10:50:59

First three months of life rules out anything in the UK except concurrent planning, which has the inherent risk of you losing the baby. Also, if you do concurrent planning you have to take the baby to contact sessions with his/her parents at least once a week, but it might be several times a week.

Otherwise, the US is the only other adoption option. You would get chosen by a pregnant woman as adoptive parents or called soon after a babies birth and take custody of the baby usually within a few days of birth. There are also extra considerations here - the trend in the US with infants is very much open adoption, at the very least a 'semi-open' (letters and photos etc), so are you comfortable with sending letters, photos, email updates to your babies birth mum throughout your childs childhood? Or maybe travelling back to the US once every couple of years and include a visit with birth mum? You would find it hard to find a pregnant woman willing to consider adoptive parents who will given her anything less than update letter and photographs of baby a few times a year. And obviously you will probably meet the mother and get to know her a bit before she gives birth. It's just a completely different 'adoption culture' than that which surrounds adopting from foster care so you need to be comfortable with that. Also obviously the mother has the right to change her mind after giving birth which is

The other issue inherent with either of these adoption options, is that you can't control anything that happens in the pregnancy. The reality is a good number of the children you could adopt (in both programs) will have family histories of MH difficulties/learning disabilities and/or exposure to alcohol/nicotine/other drugs in pregnancy, including in the last 3 months of pregnancy. If you're not open to a baby with this kind of health history, again you might find it difficult to adopt.

Surrogacy might be a better option, we have one or two mothers through surrogacy hanging around who can tell you more about that. Because the surrogate is having your baby, I assume she'd be conscious of keeping healthy in pregnancy and keeping the baby healthy, and if you care a lot about the babies health in the womb that might be a consideration for you

lifesgreatquestions Sun 10-Nov-13 11:31:06

Thanks Lilka, I'll look for a surrogacy board. Just thinking about options really. It's now been a year since I last got pregnant and feel I need to start really thinking about my options. I really appreciate you all pitching in. I do have US connections and travel there regularly so I will see about looking into that too as an option.

Moomoomie Sun 10-Nov-13 13:32:40

From reading your posts, it does sound like surrogacy would be your best option.
We were fortunate enough that two out of our three children were only six months old when we adopted them, this really is the youngest for the UK unless concurrent fostering.
Saying that, our two youngest both have FASD. Whatever age a child is placed there will always be some " problems "

Kewcumber Sun 10-Nov-13 14:54:27

if you are really that risk averse and you are concerned about the 6 months surrounding birth then I must be honest and say that I don;t think adoption will be a good route for you. Even something like concurrent planning will have very high risks compared to a birth child - children aren't removed at birth for no reason (despite what some people would have you believe!), the risks during concurrent adoption tend to revolve around drug and alcohol abuse and/or mental health issues of a birth mother.

Adoption generally is an exercise in being out of control and wandering into the unknown with unquantifiable risks ahead. For example many people would consider DS to be a very low risk adoption - 11 months at introduction, no abuse/neglect, relinquished at birth, well cared for albeit in an institution (it was a very good one by most standards) but at the point I accepted the referral he was a 26 week premmie with significant delays and a ? cerebral palsy due to his extreme physical delays. It was a massive risk and a stressful time for me - to be honest the rather minor issue of hormone affecting emotions wasn't at the foothills of my priorities at the time. Whether he would be able to walk and talk and function independently was.

As it happens he is emotionally quite mature and intellectually a smidgeon above average and physically completely developmentally normal (although not until he was 4). His issues are around separation and attachment and quite managable and we have a totally normal life (IMO!)

Even in the US a private adoption from birth comes with risks - you have to pay for the medical care of the birth mother, can't control whether she drinks/smokes/takes drugs and she can change her mind up until the point that the child is relinquished and if she changes her mind then you can;t recoup any money you've paid up until that point.

I say this not to be confrontational but because it really sounds like you would struggle to deal with the uncertainty that is inherent in adoption.

Hi lifesgreatquestions sorry to hear of your problems sad.

If you do not need to share any reasons on here but I just wanted to ask if you know why fertility treatment did not work? You mentioned your age and I wondered if you had considered treatment with either donor eggs or donor embryos. I am happy to explain more here or to PM you if you would prefer.

Just to be upfront we have a birth DD conceived through IUI and we attempted IVF with my own eggs and IVF with donor eggs after numerous failed IUI treatments trying to have number 2. We are now all set to adopt and happy to do it. I do know a bit about IVF with donor eggs. However, if your medial problem is hanging on to a pregnancy once it is established and you have explored immunology issues I may not be able to offer anything of use.

Best of luck.

lifesgreatquestions as I say... you do not need to share any reasons on here. I have checked you do not mention fertility treatment, haveyou had any?

Has a doctor or clinic given you any diagnosis for the reasons of M/C. they will only explore after 3 usually, which I am not sure if you have had medical advice on.

I conceived with IUI at 39 and have known of people conceiving into their 40s so it does depend on your age. I would not suggest this is you were all set on adoption but it does sound like you want to explore all your options. Surrogecy may be your best but if you think your eggs are not going to work, then you may be looking at donor eggs anyway, in which case looking into donor egg IVF may be easier/cheaper. (I have no idea of Surrogecy costs but can't imagine it is cheaper than donor IVF (which is expensive).

lifesgreatquestions a new initiative is being bought in called concurrent fostering in which you would have a baby from birth. It'll be with you as a foster child until it is officially put up for adoption. There are risks and benefits but it may be something to look at?

lifesgreatquestions Sun 10-Nov-13 22:48:14

Italian, I have had tests done and nothings been diagnosed, which I understand is statistically the must common outcome of testing. My Gp isn't interested in anything, I'm now 41. You're right, I'm interested in and would be grateful to know what you know about iui and ivf, but I've heard that chances if conceiving are really low, nearly as low as me conceiving on my own?

Rats, just lost a massive post so am afraid this will be short!

If you would like to try treatment you will need consultation and testing at a clinic. Try The Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority www.hfea.gov.uk/ to find a clinic near you. If you want to try donor eggs, either row in the future, find one that can do that.

If you go overseas to Spain or Greece you may get the service quicker and you may pay less. You will, however, not be able to find out the donor’s identity to tell the child. Which may be a big thing in the future for them (or may not).

You and DH or DP will need to be tested. If you use donor eggs then the age of your body is largely irrelevant. So there is a relay only a problem if you want it to all happen quickly.

If I were you I would investigate all this as soon as. You may be ellligable for IVF on the NHS but not sure they will stretch to donor eggs. It is costly.

Best wishes.

Oh and Care Fertility are good, although I never got pregnant through them I felt they were good and have clinics all over.

www.carefertility.com/

And do get the m/cs investigated if you are able to, that should be available on NHS if you have had three but you could always ask if you have had two.

Have you been referred o the recurrent miscarriage clinic at St Mary's Paddington? I was 44 when I first went there, had my baby at 45. No cause was ever found for my m/cs either.

TeenAndTween Tue 12-Nov-13 14:51:40

You may not wish to hear this, but here goes anyway.

In some ways an older child could be considered 'less of a risk' than a baby. With a baby coming through the care system, you don't really know how they have been affected by pre-natal care, being removed from BM etc.
However, with an older child you can see whether the skills have developed according to milestones etc, and can see some behaviour etc.
My elder DD was 8 and she is a delight. smile
My younger DD was 2.5, and was a big baby. She is a delight also. smile

lifesgreatquestions Tue 12-Nov-13 19:52:51

Thanks guys, having a rough time at the moment as it's now a year since last MC and no pgs since. I am in a rmc team but aside from the initial testing, which was inconclusive, they are only available to me if I get pg again. Very glad to hear about your pg at 45 Dudes!

Sorry to hear it is a rough time.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now