Drawing the line during home study...

(88 Posts)
wonderinglots Wed 06-Nov-13 18:49:47

Have NC'd for this.

We are well into our home study. During our home study we have done many things (including modifications to our home) that we didn't necessarily agree with, but did 'for the greater good' and have talked about countless things that we think only had a tenuous link to being relevant in our quest to adopt.

We are now being asked to do something that I fundamentally disagree with - My view is that the thing we are being asked to do is Orwellian. DH is fairly 'meh' about it. Any resistance to doing it will be seen as not being committed to the process (rather than the objection to the principal of being asked to do it - which is what this most definitely is).

We have been told not doing this is a deal breaker in our application so I'm not even sure why I'm posting this as we have no choice....

Have any of you have 'drawn the line' and refused to do something during home study? If so, what was the outcome?

I do understand how you feel (but bit difficult not knowing what the thing is) as you feel like you have no choice really.
weve been asked to do several home things. Couple aew fine. One we disagree with but will still do.
Have you spokeb to your s.wrker? have they given you specific reasons/do you understand the reasons theyve given?
sorry not much help.

wonderinglots how frustrating for you.

If you need to do this to adopt and want to adopt I guess you must do it! I am really now curious so if you want to tell me, please pm me!

Here are some things I have heard of people being asked to do and not a wanting to do.... modify their home in some way, modify their garden in some way.

In the case of a friend they did not do these things and did not adopt. We were asked to fit safety glass or film over glass which was a bit annoying as we had an 18 month old when we moved in and we chose which glass we felt needed sorting. We were also told to put stickers in a large glass door so a child do not bump into it. The child who visited peeled the stickers off! Whether they got as far as trying to eat them or not I can't remember but I took them down. We are having a lid made for our sand box because we can't find one to buy (after 5 years of DD safely using sandbox without a lid). We found the house stuff the hardest and DH struggled a bit as he had to do the stuff. But ultimately we felt with all the home safety stuff, even though we felt house was very safe, we had to do it.

If you want to talk please pm me.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do. (Personally unless they are asking you to do something that is illegal, imorral or dangerous I would be tempted to do it but I can't say that as I have no idea what it is).

Oh we tried a tempory tarpauline lid to sand box which sunk in and filled with rain water creating a drowning hazard, so we took that off too!

Kewcumber Thu 07-Nov-13 08:38:04

My line in the sand would be dangerous, illegal or immoral aside from that I gritted my teeth and got on with whatever was asked. Home studies aren't really the time for taking a stand over anything I'm.

Kewcumber Thu 07-Nov-13 08:38:36

I'm = IMO

RudolphLovesoftplay Thu 07-Nov-13 08:52:48

I'm with Kew, do what you need to do and complain later if needs be.

Moomoomie Thu 07-Nov-13 08:59:44

I am sure they are not asking you to do anything illegal. So, I'm afraid if you really do want to adopt, you are going to have to grit your teeth and get on with it.
Think of it as good experience for when a child is placed with you.

Can't imagine anything illegal, imoral or dangeroous really but maybe something you feel uncomfortable with. So it's working out how you can deal with whatever they are asking you to do and not allow it to be a problem. My friend did not make aletratin to her house and garden because of costs. I respect her choice but I think ultimately that failure to do it is what stopped her adopting at that time, we have lost touch but I would be surprised if she has managed to adopt since.

KristinaM Thu 07-Nov-13 14:27:38

What everyone else said. Do it

But don't complain until you have an adoption order on the last child you plan to adopt. And even then know that you are risking getting post adoption support it you need it. They really REALLY don't like people who complain .

When we had treatment with donor eggs we were required to have counselling. I expect I felt i did notte need it but had it and it was useful. When we approached council were told to wait 6 months. Did not want to. Felt ready. But was not Andre ended up waiting 2 years. Just my experience. Sometimes these rules can be helpful.

And not Andre!!!!

Kewcumber Thu 07-Nov-13 15:03:54

I was wondering who this Andre was, Italian wink

André Previn en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andr%C3%A9_Previn famous pianist, I am so musical, me!

Kewcumber Thu 07-Nov-13 17:06:52

I was thinking more along the lines of him

Still musical though kind of

TrinnyandSatsuma Thu 07-Nov-13 21:42:46

Hi. Without knowing what it is you've been asked to do that makes you uncomfortable, it's hard to say, but I would err on the side of caution here.

The assessment is about showing your dedication, resilience, flexibility etc. Please take care and decide which battles are worth fighting. We were asked for things that we thought were a bit over kill, but went with it all, believing that there is a good reason behind all of it.

In the end, it was all worth it. Our boy is snoring and snuffling in his bedroom down the corridor.

All the best for the assessment xx

TeenAndTween Sat 09-Nov-13 18:37:19

There were various things from a 'safety' point of view that were noted for us. Time consuming things we did, but for example we did not child proof our home until after matching panel. We weren't going to live with child locks etc until we needed to. But our SW was happy with that.

Your use of the word Orwellian got me thinking.

The one thing that some prospective adopters can find strange is being asked to use contraception, which can seem weird if they have spent years trying and failing to conceive. So I am wondering to myself whether this is the issue.

If so, the thing is that it costs masses for you to be assessed. Then if you are linked the last thing they want is for you to find out you are pregnant after matching / intros or placement. The disruption to a newly placed child who will need your time and attention could be massive if a (birth) baby is added to the mix. So people do need to actively commit to using contraception during the adoption process, even if it seems instinctively not right/fair.

Of course, it is probably something else altogether.

teen that's a good point.
I have been told I need to use contraception (like you said, ridiculous when even assisted conception hasn't worked) but I fully understand why and have got to the point where I don't want to get pregnant as I have put all that to bed so to speak and one little tablet a day is a small price to pay for our little one.

drspouse Sat 09-Nov-13 21:27:01

I have heard a few people told to put on socket covers which are dangerous, though it's not like you can't take them off when the SW has gone.

namechangesforthehardstuff Sat 09-Nov-13 21:52:34

Yes I thought of that Drspouse but you could surely just explain that and show them the online campaign?

Sorry OP this is kind of turning into 'guess the problem' innit?

wonderinglots Sun 10-Nov-13 12:08:41

Hi

Sorry for disappearing. What we've been asked to do isn't a secret, just wanted to canvas views.

DH has sperm still banked from many years ago. We renew the agreement for storage annually and this year, the renewal fell before we'd formally applied.

I am not infertile and we have never tried IVF. I have known for many years I will never have birth children. We have spent time in home study talking about whether we have resolved any feelings of loss about not having birth children. We have. Our only option, if we don't get approved to adopt, would be to consider surrogacy. We hadn't considered this before the ultimatum. Even now. It's not a realistic option, but is the only option remaining for us...

We have been told, in order to 'prove' we're over not having birth children to panel, we have to dispose of his sperm. I asked what they'd ask me to do to prove 'I'm over it'. Their answer was, if we were both fertile, they'd ask us to use contraception after approval. But as DH is infertile, they 'probably won't' which left me a bit hmm

I don't understand how ditching DH's sperm proves we don't want birth children. We could use a sperm donor??

We'll do it as we've been told if we don't, they won't support our application... And we really don't have unresolved issues around having our own children. It just feels like a tick in a box on a list somewhere... And as I say, a bit Orwellian.

PS... Why are socket covers dangerous??

TeenAndTween Sun 10-Nov-13 13:32:47

Would a possible compromise be to agree to dispose of his sperm after approval (or after matching?).

Maryz Sun 10-Nov-13 13:44:21

I was all set to tell you to go along with whatever they want, but I'm not sure about this.

Essentially, it isn't like asking you to use contraception (which is fair, as teen explains well). It's akin to asking you, or more accurately your dh, to be sterilised.

They would never ask a man to have a vasectomy before being approved to adopt. That would be ridiculous.

I think you should go back to them and discuss the possibility of deferring the decision until after matching, because are they really expecting you to permanently close off the option of your dh having children, ever, when you haven't even had a child placed with you.

maryannmarie Sun 10-Nov-13 13:48:13

That's disgusting. I had no idea that they could ask you to do something like that and I totally get why you don't feel right about it. Unfortunately, it seems there's nothing you can do though. Wishing you loads of luck smile

Moomoomie Sun 10-Nov-13 13:48:52

Goodness, that is a difficult dilemma.
I agree with MAryz. You really do need to talk to your SW about this, and not be blackmailed.
Puts a few safety issues around the house into perspective!

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