I'm sad - not adoption related

(17 Posts)
Kewcumber Wed 23-Oct-13 11:49:54

I know "this too shall pass"

My sisters father in law died last week - he was a lovely man and more like a grandfather to DS than my own (sadly) and I may have to miss the funeral as its half term week and one day that the rugby camp DS is on is finishing early. Lots of friends don't seem to understand why I don;t just palm him off on someone we don;t know well or send him to a camp he hasn't been to before. But his anxiety has been quite severe over the summer and he's really only just started sleeping through the night again and stopped melting down at every sports club he does. I just don't want to take the risk although I want to go to the funeral. Ken, would I'm sure have been the first one to tell me not to stress about it, but I do want to go and I'm sad that I may not be abe to.

Then yesterday morning my friends DH died. He had brain cancer and had been in a coma for a few days so we knew it would be soon. They are such a lovely family, I feel so terribly sad for them.

And I have a pile of work to do and the AGM accounts to prepare for Friday.

This will pass, won't it. I do feel a bit self-indulgent that I'm upset - it wasn't my husband/father who's died.

It will pass but it is right to grieve. Your thoughts are right, to be so sad for others, just because it is not your father or husband, it is always very sad when someone we care about dies.

You are right not 'palm' you child off on someone else and I am sure they will understand if you cannot make the funeral.

Thinking of you.

MyFeetAreCold Wed 23-Oct-13 19:04:08

Complaining to your friend/sister about how sad you are would be self-indulgent. Complaining here and feeling sad is not.

You're sad. You've lost people and people you love are hurting. Of course you're sad and it's completely okay to acknowledge that.

Re your sis's FIL, if you can't make the funeral, maybe you can find some other way or actively remembering him and paying your respects at some future point, just so you have some way of acknowledging his passing and his role in your/DS's life.

Piffyonarock Wed 23-Oct-13 20:26:28

Oh Kew, that sounds rough all at once. It's not self-indulgent to feel sad, I know what you mean though - I always cry at funerals and then feel bad because (fortunately) it has not usually been someone I was actually that close too - I always feel so sad for the family and am not good at stiff upper lip.

I know your DS has struggled this summer so you've got to do what's best for him, and you know your sis's FIL would understand. Maybe do something positive and life-affirming with DS rather than the funeral?

Good luck with all your work, it's hard when your mind is on other things.

Look after you and DS.

Moomoomie Thu 24-Oct-13 16:52:41

Of course you are allowed to be sad.
I feel a funeral is a public way of saying goodbye to a loved one, there are also ways you can say goodbye privately, so dont worry if you can't go to the funeral.
Your son comes first, and as you say, the deceased would understand this.
Hope ds has a better time at sports camp. X

Devora Thu 24-Oct-13 22:02:28

Oh missus, don't beat yourself up. That sounds like quite enough to be dealing with without giving yourself grief.

How are you feeling today? Are the accounts done?

Lilka Thu 24-Oct-13 22:13:43

It's not self indulgent to cry. I'd say exactly what Devora said, don't beat yourself up for how you feel or for doing right by your DS.

I hope your DS has a good time at rugby camp

Kewcumber Thu 24-Oct-13 22:28:26

I'm feeling better today. Accounts just finished.

Still sad but not crying!

I keep wanting to shout at people on threads "Fucking hell, life is too short to be putting up with this shit, sort yourself out!" but I haven't...

Piffyonarock Fri 25-Oct-13 12:29:58

Good work on the accounts! smile

Kewcumber Fri 25-Oct-13 14:04:45

Accounts still a mess but we made money and its done at least just need to tidy it all up.

Have dates for both funerals and possible solution to childcare also. So feeling a bit better about it all.

MyFeetAreCold Fri 25-Oct-13 15:38:45

Well done on making money, if not having tidy accounts. That's quite an achievement in itself.

I'm glad you might be able to make it to the funerals. It obviously means a lot to you.

And wrt to other people needing to be told that life's too damn short, well, yes. And FWIW, if I had known about the Xmas appeal thing before the sniping started, I would have absolutely nominated you, Kew as well as Devora and Lilka. I don't know if you know how much you help.

So thank you. thanksthanksthanks (One each, no squabbling!)

Kewcumber Fri 25-Oct-13 16:48:08

It is important to me, coldfeet... there's so very little you can do when people die, you feel so impotent. The very least I feel I can do is to go and stand shoulder to shoulder with those they leave behind to say that person mattered to us and that we will support their loved ones in any small way we can.

Thank you for the thanks can't remember the last time I had a bunch!

I have been nominated before, I don't feel in any way offended that I haven't this year. The thought really is enough - particularly as I actually don't do anything (though its kind of you and Hayley to imply that I/we do).

Lilka Fri 25-Oct-13 17:44:10

I have actually been nominated this year. First I'd ever heard about the secret santa depite having been here for over 3 years, so frankly now I feel bad for not nominating anybody myself. Nosy me would like to know who did it (I know I'm not allowed but oh well). Which reminds me, I need to send my adress off. I really feel undeserving, I have to say. The thought is definitely enough, the reason I haven't supplied my address yet is I feel almost guilty about getting even a small voucher or chocolate when it's not like I've going through the awful times others are going through also I'm getting old and forgetful

I agree with Kew, it feels like I don't actually do anything, but I am very glad to hear that people actually find my ramblings helpful!

MyFeetAreCold Fri 25-Oct-13 17:46:52

Not underserving at all. Time and again, I see the three of you post long, patient, well thought out answers to all comers. It's really lovely.

MyFeetAreCold Fri 25-Oct-13 17:47:33

(Especially when we know you often have challenging circumstances at home.)

Lilka Fri 25-Oct-13 17:47:40

Kew, I'm glad to hear you might be able to make the funerals

Kewcumber Tue 29-Oct-13 19:02:21

Just to update and to thank every one for being kind and not telling me to buck and stiffen my lip!

Just back from a long exhausting day at funeral 1 thanks to a school mum who picked DS up from his rugby. I am really glad to have been able to make it - it was very moving and I would have regretted not going. Funeral 2 is on Monday and my mum is picking up DS up so all sorted

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