Photos in a calendar - adoptive parents please could you advice

(19 Posts)
Happiestinwellybobs Thu 24-Oct-13 07:50:20

It will depend on the circumstances of the child you adopt. I agree with others that I would certainly do it but dependant on when she comes to you, when things are finalised.

When DD came to us, we sent an "I've arrived" card with a photo on to my family - none of them are remotely near DD's birth family and it wouldn't be the kind of thing that would leave the house. Also she would not have been instantly recognisable (birth parents had no contact since birth).

However, I was very restrictive about everything else until the adoption order went through. We refused group photos that were taken at the local library etc. If parents were taking photos or videos, I would discreetly move her or stand in front of her. I did not refer to her by name on Facebook, instead using a nickname.

I have relaxed since the order went through smile

Thanks one and all. We would not do a calendar and exclude them. We would simply stop doing the calendar, which DH wants to do anyway because it is expensive! but which I like doing as it is such a great way to show off our 12 favourite photos and I love the challenge of finding ones that fit the feel of the season or the special points in the year!

When we started it was all about DD but now includes older relatives etc so that we have a reminder of them!

Thanks for all your thoughts.

TeenAndTween Fri 18-Oct-13 20:52:11

Personally I think once child is placed it would be weird to not include them.
If child is old enough they might wonder why they have been excluded. Even for a young child your birth DD would be getting mixed messages (going to be part of our forever family but not included in calendar).
Surely as soon as they are placed they are 'part' of your family and to be included?

I agree with MyFeet the location of your relatives and birth family is an important consideration.

That said, I would be tempted to stop doing calendar for all and sundry relatives anyway. Stick to GPs, and send a few photos in with xmas card instead.

(Adopted 2 sisters, took 15 months from placement to adoption order).

HeyJudith Fri 18-Oct-13 12:10:03

italian a calendar isn't an odd place for an adopted child (once finalised), it sounds lovely smile because that child is then part of your family, legally, emotionally, mentally... and in fact if you left the child off the calendar (again once the adoption has been finalised, not before) it would (possibly) send a message to both the family and the child that you view them as an outsider, even though you have adopted. Once adopted, your adopted child should ideally be treated the same as your birth child as much as possible. (I am adopted smile )

MyFeetAreCold Fri 18-Oct-13 00:20:08

Something else that just occured to me, Italian.

At the minute you don't know who you'll be matched with. That obviously means you know nothing about their background/birth family etc, and so for you, at the moment, future risk is everywhere.

Once you get matched and you do know some background, you'll be able to assess risk much more easily, because you'll know about birth family and so on. So if none of the 10 lucky recipients of your calendar live anywhere near birth family, you've got next to no risk. If one of them lives in the town your DC's birth family is in, you can either decide not to send one or ask them to make sure it's only used in their own home and not in their workplace or whatever.

I was a bit weird about this prior to matching too, but now I know I just have two towns to avoid (and no family or friends in either of them) and that seems a lot less daunting.

Thanks so much. Devora.

Devora Thu 17-Oct-13 23:36:17

It's obviously a family ritual that you're very fond of, and so I think you should continue [hard stare to Mr Greyhound]. It's important that our adopted children are incorporated into our family rituals wherever possible, and that we don't tiptoe around treating them like they're made of glass unless there's good reason to do so. Seriously, what is the level of risk if this is just going out to family members?

I pretty much started with photos etc from day one. Though I don't post photos on FB (easy decision because I don't know how!). A couple of the things I HAVEN'T done: our family was photographed for a national newspaper but I made sure dd2 had her back to the camera; and - bizarrely - we stumbled across a film crew filming Come Dine With Me and they were very taken with dd2's cuteness and wanted to include her in a shot and I said no. dp thought I was being precious but I reckon there is a very big difference between prime time TV and photos shared with a few relatives.

Thanks one and all, no one has said a calendar is an odd place for photos of a child we have adopted so that is interesting.

If I am honest the cost and hassle of doing it makes me wonder if it is worth it. I love doing it as it is a reminder but DH is a gumpy @~}{ at times!

HeyJudith Thu 17-Oct-13 22:24:13

I don't know if you have already got your answer, but I just wanted to add that I would say carry on as normal (ie just pics of your DD) until such a time as your adoption is finalised, in the same manner as a birthdate, after which point, pics for calendar will be of both your children. smile

I wouldn't do pics before adoption is finalised because, well, it's not final! There is a before and an after and it's kind of fitting and respectful to wait (IMHO) for finalisation before creating and sending calendar that will last for a year. (This is somehow different to sharing a few snaps with family). It's only one year that might be out of sync, ie the calendar shows your DD only but your adoption has subsequently been finalised... but thereafter, every calendar/family pic going forward would have your whole family on.

GL for placement smile

Kewcumber Thu 17-Oct-13 22:19:37

I shared photos with very close family at matching but really only immediate family

MyFeetAreCold Thu 17-Oct-13 22:10:10

Ah okay. I get that.

We're waiting for placement (woohoo!) and I've shared a couple of photos with family, I think partly because I want them to share our excitement (like everyone who posts their ultrasound scans I guess...) and partly because I want them to see that they're normal kids and don't have 'adopted' etched into their foreheads...

Thought I'd done something terrible. Phew.

Thanks. grin

Kewcumber Thu 17-Oct-13 22:04:10

Myfeet - for the same reason I don't walk under ladders. Not because its unlucky but because I just can't bring myself to!

Just tempting fate, no sensible reason.

As I did things a bit peculiarly I shared photos after the Overseas court decision not the UK one (about 4 weeks after meeting). Which is just as well as it took about 30 months to get the UK one.

MyFeetAreCold Thu 17-Oct-13 22:00:37

Kew, I loved your crossed out bit.

Can I ask why you don't share photos between placement and adoption order?

I'm thinking that by that point if anything went wrong, people having photos would be the least of my worries. What have I missed?

Kewcumber Thu 17-Oct-13 16:29:40

I would hold off on photos until as sparrow has said order is final. The christmas before I adopted DS I made Christmas cards with a cartoon me and generic cartoon baby/toddler face and sent them out with a note "Coming in 2014".

Certainly doesn;t bother me giving family and friends photos of DS even if they don;t want them

sparrowfart23 Thu 17-Oct-13 16:18:41

Yes, there's a good chance you could have an adoption order by Christmas, based on our experience. We had ours about 4-5 months after placement.

Thanks Sparrow that does help. In some ways photos by themselves and a general shop bought calendar would be so much easier to do and cheaper and we would avoid the whole issue of whether the child's adoption order had been granted. If we adopt early 2014 is there any chance we would get the final adoption order before Christmas? We only send the calendar at Christmas, as a gift to relatives.

sparrowfart23 Thu 17-Oct-13 14:08:32

Sorry Italian - I should also have said that I wouldn't put an adopted child into a family calendar (or give family members photos) until the adoption order had been granted. HTH!

sparrowfart23 Thu 17-Oct-13 13:41:01

When we adopted our DD, we were initially very restrictive about everything - visits, photos etc. We have since relaxed more on the photo/video front but we are careful about what we share and avoid disclosing identifiable info (like schools, where we live, etc) online. We only ever give permission for DD's photos to be used in newspapers if she is in a group, and not named. How restrictive you will want to be will depend on your adopted child's circumstances. It is worth mentioning we have no direct contact our DD's birth family.

I can understand you wanting to continue the calendar - that visualisation is probably quite tantalising smile. Make sure you DH knows why you want to keep doing it. You can always ask your family not to hang it in public (like a workplace) if identifiability is an issue.

Fingers crossed you get a match soon!

This is a crazy request as we have not even had a child placed with us but ..... we are approved to adopt and have a birth dd.

Every year we do a family calendar with photos of our birth dd (aged 9) and a few pics of older relatives who we see about once a year plus the odd Godparent, auntie etc. It has been a good way of sharing photos within the family and a simple gift for relatives.

Because it is personal it is quite costly to produce, and his year hubby is grumbling about the cost of producing and sending the calendar which we send to about 10 relatives around the country and one abroad!

I know it sounds crazy but I had looked forward to the day when the calendar could include a photo of our dd with her long awaited sibling! We are now, we hope just a few months off the chance of a match (alouthough it is 'how long is a piece of string!) so I am wondering whether it is worth continuing the calendar this year because we will do it in the future or if we will not do it in the future, simply stopping.

My concern is that because a calendar can be put up anywhere and we would not have any control where people hang their calendar, would it be wrong to send photos on a calendar of an adopted child, perhaps even before the adoption was finalised? If so for me it would be easier to send pictures of our dd and our new child with a different gift and stop the whole calendar thing now?

I am just not sure what to do about this calendar because I know peopel who adopt are often quite sensitive about photos. We don't usually post photos of our DD on facebook etc and so only send occasional photos to relatives by email but older relies are not on email!.

If people felt featuring an adopted child in a calendar would not be a good idea then I would probably stop this year and find some other way of sharing photos.

Any advice from people who have adopted, please?

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