Feelings and adoption

(7 Posts)
KumquatMay Thu 03-Oct-13 17:27:23

DH and I have just made the initial enquiries about adopting siblings, I know in my head (and have known for ages) that I want to adopt but sometimes find my feelings don't always match up to how I would expect to feel once we actually adopt (if that makes sense!).

We don't actually have any children, so don't have this sense of overwhelming love and acceptance for any child at the moment - maybe that makes it harder to imagine. The only way I can describe it is it was a bit like when I was planning our wedding and everyone asked "are you excited??" all the time - I felt strange because I didn't feel excited 24/7 (I was also doing my degree and buying a house and had other things on my radar!) but that didn't stop me knowing that marrying DH was the best decision I ever made. I just didn't have permanent feelings of excitement all the time - I also found it challenging and overwhelming and a million other things!

Is it the same with adoption? Is it normal that I know it's what I want to do, but also am full of questions and worries and apprehension? Or is everyone going through the process totally confident 24/7?!

I hope this makes sense - I'd really appreciate hearing other people's experiences.

Devora Thu 03-Oct-13 17:47:47

Normal normal normal!

I spent the whole process in a state of fear and doubt. Persisted and am now hugely delighted and relieved that I did (dd has been with us for over 3 years).

How this ties up with listening to your instincts and feelings, I have no idea. How does anybody know that parenthood is a good idea in advance?

Hope someone will come along with some good advice for you. All I can do is assure you that ambivalence is not necessarily a sign that you shouldn't proceed smile

prumarth Thu 03-Oct-13 18:09:18

Hi KumquatMay - I feel exactly the same! Excitement, terror, panic, doubts and back to excitement all in equal doses. Also, I worry about the impact on our lives - I know having children will change our lives completely, but its hard to imagine as we also dont have kids so picturing it feels a bit like peering into a crystal ball. I'm definitely not confident 24/7 and neither is my husband - but luckily we seem to be in different moods at different times so we can be positive when the other is negative.

Lilka Thu 03-Oct-13 18:20:24

Totally normal!!

Adoption is a very emotional process, and most people (including me) have all kinds of worries, apprehensions, periods of serious excitement followed by feeling quite flat/ambivalent, question themselves all the time and so on

Becoming a parent is probably the most major decision you'll ever make, and adopting is quite a long and in depth process which involves asking yourself a questions - so it would be very odd if you did only have one emotional setting through the whole thing!

If you can go through all these emotions and questions and self-analysis and months later you still know adoption is what you want to do - that's what matter IMHO

KumquatMay Fri 04-Oct-13 18:54:40

Thanks everyone, it's really reassuring to hear that. We enquired thinking we were looking at a 12-18 month process only to be told they aim for 6 months (and with possibly adopting a sibling group with special needs, we would be unlikely to wait long for a match) - so it was just a bit of a shock and made us think about whether now's really the right time. I think we're going to put it on the back burner a bit and have another think early next year now we know a bit more about time-frames.

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences, it's lovely to hear your stories and definitely made me feel much more normal!

FamiliesShareGerms Fri 04-Oct-13 19:09:09

I think anyone who doesn't have occasional feelings of doubt, gloom and not being ready for parenthood (however it happens) isn't actually ready to be a parent!

And the uncertainty of timescale with adoption, plus the fact that it might not happen, and you don't know whether you will have a new born or a four year old (for example) means that not being too excited is a pretty good survival mechanism for the process ahead.

StopDoingThat Fri 11-Oct-13 02:34:40

Hello Kumquat
Totally normal! Re your time frames though-- check what your agency mean. Our agency had a six month assessment process too, but we couldn't start that until we'd been on their prep course, and it took 8 months from the initial visit (or 11 from 1st contact) to get on that. (The 6 month bit is the bit they have to measure to meet gov targets...)

All in all it took us 23 months from first contact to placement, so if you do decide to delay bear that in mind. (You'd be able to get assessed and approved and then take a little break before matching -- they wouldn't force a child on you!)

Good luck!

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