If I am the main carer and get adoption leave what about DH?

(18 Posts)
Happiestinwellybobs Thu 12-Sep-13 09:16:02

Definitely full days. Half days just wouldn't have worked for us.

Day 1 was a meeting in the afternoon followed by meeting DD plus travel meant it was 5 hours
Day 2 was 4 hours plus 1.5 hours travel
And it increased from there.
We did have one days rest, which for us fell on a weekend, but tbh there was no way we could do anything other than catch up on cleaning and do some shopping.

Our FC took pity on us and made life easier by meeting us half way one day to cut our travel down that day, as otherwise it would have been 8.30am to 8.30pm that day.

Our intros lasted just over a week.

We definitely underestimated the impact that intros would have on us, physically, mentally and emotionally. There were a couple of days towards the end, where we were unable to speak. Just grabbed something to eat and slept.

cedar12 Thu 12-Sep-13 07:54:02

I think if its possible for your Dh to take a few extra day a/l tagged on that would be best. You won't believe how tired you will be!!!
Half day wouldn't have worked for us.
Our time table was very full on.
Wed matching panel. I just went to this.
Thurs met ds 10-12 plus 1 hrs travel each way
Fri took dd ti meet ds 10-1 plus travel
Sat 9.30-7plus travel each way
Sun foster carers came to us 10-4
Mon 7-5
Tues 9-4
Wed took ds home.

FamiliesShareGerms Thu 12-Sep-13 06:42:36

I'm not sure i agree that a series of half days would be more effective for bonding. Essentially what you are doing is teaching your adoptive child that you and DH are now their primary carers, and the only way to do that - especially with a young child - is to actually be there and do the caring stuff (feeding, nappies etc). The message that "daddy goes and daddy comes back" is for a bit later down the track.

Introductions very quickly went from a couple of hours to full days for us. Plus factor in travelling time, plus the fact that it is soooo emotionally tiring, I think you would be doing work, your child and yourselves a disservice to try to combine work and introductions. How much time you need off to get the practical arrangements in place ahead of introductions will depend hugely on circumstances (eg the age of the child, what you already have, what you need to buy).

To give you an idea, our timetable was something like:

Thursday - panel
Friday - last day at work
Sat-Mon - put together cot, buy buggy etc
Tues - planning session with SW and FC then meet DD for 2 hours
Wed - four hours with DD, including DS coming
Thur - 10-4 with DD, including a trip out
Fri- 7-6
Sat-Sun - 7-7 with DD coming to our house for some of the time
Mon 6-8 with DD at our house the whole time
Tues - home with us

Add an hour's travelling on each end of those sessions and you can see how there literally isn't time for much else, including cooking and keeping on top of the laundry!

Plus, you will need to take into account your DD - our DS was brilliant during Intros, but he did need some time with each of us so that he didn't feel completely crowded out.

I am sure he can but I guess we are both thinking how to spread it out. A week's leave is 5 full days or 10 half days, which would be more effective in terms of bonding and also just in general terms of helping me with day to day stuff! Curious for any views?

I am sure he can but I guess we are both thinking how to spread it out. A week's leave is 5 full days or 10 half days, which would be more effective in terms of bonding and also just in general terms of helping me with day to day stuff! Curious for any views?

cedar12 Wed 11-Sep-13 07:55:07

Not sure if half days would work. Our first 2 days of intros were half days but after that it was all day. Maybe he could have a few half days. Not sure if i could have managed working aswell i was exhausted !!
Could your dh take any annual leave as well?

The reason he took half days was because I slept mornings etc (I was not and still am not a morning person and neither was dd!). I know the new child may not be the same! DH visited us both in hospital in the afternoons and evenings. I just wondered if having half days off for me or DH may work before placement but during introductions? Not so essential for me as I will take a year off but DH only gets 2 weeks off!

Thanks.

Can I please ask how it might work with Dh's work?

When we had dd I was quite ill in hospital for almost 2 weeks so DH had 2 weeks half days working which meant he only used a week of his paternity leave and still had a week to take. Is that a possible idea? To make adoption leave last longer.

Moomoomie Tue 10-Sep-13 16:05:51

My husbands company are very good with paternity/ adoption leave.
He was able to have time off for our assessment. I had to work it around days off!
He was able to take two weeks paternity leave and then a week annual leave, so three weeks in total. Our intros were for a week.
When we adopted dd3, she came home just before Christmas, so with bank holidays and paternity leave he was able to have three weeks again.
My employers at the time (NHS) were dreadful when we adopted in 2000, but I think they are better now.

AngelsWithSilverWings Tue 10-Sep-13 15:08:47

My DH's workplace had specific rules about adoption and parental leave.

The rules stated that he would be allowed reasonable leave for pre placement visits ( ie Intros).

He would then be allowed two weeks parental leave after placement.

In reality what happened was he had to take his parental leave from the date of our first meeting with DD. so he had to go back to work a few days after placement.

Very annoying and he could have pushed for the rules to be followed but he was working in an environment where everyone was applying for their own jobs following a merger. Not a great time to be pushing for more time off!

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 07-Sep-13 14:49:20

Yes, Italian. Typically you start with a short session of a few hours long at the FC house, then gradually build that up day by day so that you are there for meals and, depending on the age, take over feeding and other key caring responsibilities. I think it was about 5 days before we started bringing DD back to our house and spending longer and longer here, including at her nap time.

It will all depend on circumstances, but I think 10 days is about average (though I know of someone who did intros in about 5 days because it was the other end of the country and it was felt important for them to get back to home as soon as possible).

But remember too that this is a really emotional time, and I wouldn't have wanted, for example, to finish work on Tuesday and start intros on Wednesday. It is also really tiring - so giving yourself time to get through it and start to adjust to having a new child is really important. Again, i wouldn't want to have gone straight back to full time work immediately after introductions. If your DH can possibly manage to get a month off, I would suggest that as a minimum.

Thanks Cedar, hugs to you.

cedar12 Sat 07-Sep-13 13:55:00

Our intro was everyday for a week. My Dh took 2 week paternity leave then 1 week a/l.

Thanks

Kewcumber Sat 07-Sep-13 10:55:34

https://www.gov.uk/paternity-pay-leave

Paternity leave now applies to adoption too.

Thanks. Is introductions every day Families?

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 07-Sep-13 10:33:10

Depends on his T&C but most places (I think) offer adoption leave in line with paternity leave - eg two weeks at full pay.

He will need to be off for introductions, which might be about two weeks anyway. And i suggest he try to extend that leave for as long as possible through annual leave, unpaid leave etc to help with the settling in process.

When our little one is placed with us, if I am the main carer and get adoption leave what about DH? Does he get paternity or adoption leave? When is the best time for him to be off work? Right at the start?

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