Awful day

[Hayleyh34]

Have had an absolutely awful day with DD age 6. She has screamed, growled, kicked and been so rude. Constantly since 5am. We have it at this time of year every year because her SW allowed her to go on a summer holiday just before we met her. Every summer she thinks she's getting a new family no matter how much we try and comfort her . I'm thinking of contacting Camhs does anyone have any experience? I just want to help her

[shockers]

Didn't want to read and run, but I've just made dinner. I will have a think and post later.

We have had a lot of this, especially around holiday times, with DD.

[Hayleyh34]

Thank you, would appreciate it

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

I'm sorry, I don't have any experience of this at all. Poor you and poor little love. How old was she when she first met you and how long before you took her home? So, I guess the real question is - how long has she been living with you? Big hugs to you all.

[Hayleyh34]

She's been living with us for nearly 3 years. We have this every summer but her anger is getting worse as she understands her story more. I thought it would get better but it hasn't.

[Hayleyh34]

Sorry, she heard about us the day she got back from her hols and met us about 10 days later and moved in approx 8 days after that

[fasparent]

Problem may more deep routed than you think. our dd and ds have been with us about the same time ds has cp and communication problems his sister age 10 has no problems until recently these are associated with flashbacks and Post traumatic stress , beginning too remember things that were not nice which happened too her sibling's is asking questions and wants too know all. again not nice in holidays with contact issues, gets withdrawn miserable weepy. wishes it happened too her instead. CHAMS should be able too help you, children will have different ways of expressing there feelings . Our problem is new so we will have too see if we can address the problems so early days at the moment.

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

Sorry, I got caught up on other threads. I thought you would have had lots of replies from people with experience.

Poor baby. I know nothing about this at all. Most of the children I know personally that have been adopted were babies and the one that was 3 has always been 'laid back and fine' (unlike his sister who was the baby, but that's a whole other story). It's incredible isn't it that something that happened when she was 2/3 hasn't been 'overlaid' by 3 years of loving care :(

I presume she came to you from a foster home? Was she on holiday with them or her birth parents? Had she been in the foster home very long?

How long does this 'period' last for?

I really hope you can find someone to help you work through this with her.

[Jakadaal]

Dd 11 who has attachment difficulties as well as SEN is under psychotherapy with CAMHS and they are helping but it's a long journey. I also have 'family therapy' which has helped me understand the difficulties adopted children have around transitions, change in routine, historical memory etc. FWIW school holidays are always difficult for us because of all the points above but the historical transition time to us (just before Xmas is trouble free)

It took me a long time to find my way to the right person in Camhs but worth persuing. Do you have any access to post adoption psychological help?

[Lilka]

Sounds horrible Hayleyh, and I do understand. Poth DD2 and DS have a wobbly period around the time of year they moved in with me, and DD2 has a bigger wobbly period which happens around the anniversary of her being originally taken into care (she was 4 when that happened and still has very clear memories at 17). They were 8 and 23 months when they moved in.

Unfortunately for us, both my younger kids move in dates are within a couple of weeks of their birthdays (DD's 8th birthday happened during introductions which was unavoidable because of the FC's other commitments and situation but really should be avoided where at all possible for every child). Which makes it more difficult because it impacts on what's supposed to be one of their two happiest days of the year (birthday and Christmas!)

I haven't ever found a way to help except react to it by making us have a low key and even more structured than normal routine, and reducing stimulation etc just to reduce the amount of tantrums and try to make them feel more secure.

However DD2 improved after we had therapy from a specialist centre. Working with the traumatic memories has had an impact on her feeling better around transition times. Her aggression reduced quite a lot. So I definitely think that trying to get a referral to CAMHS for your DD is a good idea. Best if luck to you

[Hayleyh34]

Thanks Lilka. I worry that if we go the referral route DD might think that we're saying that there is something wrong with her but if we don't we're not supporting her enough. It's just so hard to make that call.

[shockers]

There's a great book that has helped us a lot, it's called 'Beyond Logic, Consequence & Control', a title which pretty much sums up our DD.

I find that I have to be one step ahead of her thoughts all the time, to work out what might trigger a meltdown... I'm not always successful, but it does work some of the time.

This year we tried something new; we went camping the night she broke up from school, to a local site, so that she didn't have time to mull it over. We didn't tell her we were going, just packed the car while she was at school (she's 14, with FAS, attachment disorder and LD). We only camped there for two nights, but the transition into holiday time was much easier.

[Lilka]

I love the Beyond Consequences book, very helpful approach to take with my DD2

How are you doing today Hayleyh?I hope its been better for you

[shockers]

I got the title order mixed up, didn't I?!

[Lilka]

Well they shouldn't have such crazy long titles imho!! But yes the title is 'Beyond consequences, logic and control: A love-based approach to helping attachment-challenged children with severe behaviours'

Not even slightly a mouthful

[Hayleyh34]

Hi Lilka, it's been better today thank you. Meant to add, we didn't go away this year as it's been so hard after we come back in previous years but it didn't make any difference.

Just got to ride the storm, we'll get there. Thanks for the advice and recommendations.