Random vent about Things Other People Say

(205 Posts)
ColdfeetPinksocks Wed 21-Aug-13 15:04:02

I've already decided to try to not get cross when Other People say things like we're brave doing this or my children will be lucky to have us (really? lucky??) or mention their 'real mum' meaning someone other than me. I reckon that trying to edumucate most people on those things will just lead to me being snappish and that whilst they're ignorant of a lot of stuff about adoption they mean well.

But I am so, so, SO bored of hearing about how 'we won't know what's hit us'. Yes, believe it or not we did give it some thought. Quite a lot of thought actually. I'm aware that becoming a parent will alter my lifestyle. GAHHHH!!

(They don't say this to pg people do they? If they do, I'll eat my random venty hat.)

Magslee Sun 25-Aug-13 19:56:08

I find it hard to choose between
a) the woman I didn't know who heard from someone else I was adopting and crossed the room to tell me about her friend who had adopted and it 'ruined her life', and
b) the senior manager at work who waved me off on adoption leave with the words 'they do tell you how many fail don't they? I hope you don't regret it'

But they really they don't matter because on the other side of the scale are
a) my friends and family who have been amazing all the way, and
b) the stranger angels posted on every London street corner and station steps who help me with my buggy, entertain DS when he's grumpy and just take time to be friendly and kind to a bouncy toddler and disorganised mum.

My policy for the offensive commenters is - first offence - ignore, second offence - sanctimonious lecture, third offence - anything goes

ColdfeetPinksocks Sun 25-Aug-13 20:06:34

Magslee, that's what I need -- a policy! And perhaps a scale or chart of stupidness/offensiveness -- one point for background fishing, 5 for 'you know how many fail'.... I could keep score.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood Sun 25-Aug-13 20:43:50

I do sympathise.

But as to the 'you won't know what had hit you' I think lots of parents get that whatever their circumstances. When I was pregnant with a much wanted DC3 at age 44 (after a gap of nearly 7 years and several miscarriages) almost everyone I encountered told me I was mad. Or assumed it was an accident. Most were dumbfounded to hear that we had actually given any sensible thought to the pregnancy at all.

But you are totally within your rights to be annoyed by this.

"You can adopt mine if you want" that one bugs me!!!
And our friend who thinks she's being helpful to tell us how you hear about adoptions failing, how we need to prepare ourselves for them finding their "real mum" at 16' how they will be "damaged" .....
I honestly think its a mixture between them not knowing what to say and it being a situation they know little about so they try and talk about things they do (or they're just muppets)

Oh and " I bet you'll get pregnant as soon as you adopt because you'll be relaxed, my friend/uncle/neighbour had that happen" that one gets RIGHT on my nerves.

morethanpotatoprints Sun 25-Aug-13 22:14:29

Hello OP.

If its any consolation I am an adopted person who was "lucky" to have my parents, because they were wonderful. Your dc will be lucky to have you, but I can understand why certain comments may offend you.
I think you just have to realise as you say that they mean well and they don't understand.
It used to really upset me when people asked me if I ever wanted to find my "real mum or dad", how offensive! You can't get more real as a parent than raising dc from a few months old. They did the whole lot as most other parents with adopted dc did and continue to do.
So I sympathise on the whole and agree that it is a waste of time letting it get to you as some things you know people will say, like its a script.
People asking questions about dcs past lives is not on, it was different in my childhood. There were thousands of adopted dc and everybody knew why.

QOD Sun 25-Aug-13 22:15:24

"Ah how lovely and I bet you have a baby of your own once you've relaxed"

And similar, dd is straight surrogate (my dh and my friends bio child)

She is my fucking own child thanks

Annunziata Italy Sun 25-Aug-13 22:17:57

I hate the lowered voice waiting for scandal too.

But most of all I hate when you say you are adopting and people just go silent. I wish people would just say congratulations.

Oh yes. Pregnant people get it in spades. Thing is it's true in my case. No amount of thinking prepared me for the truth of parenthood!

Thatsnotmychicken Sun 25-Aug-13 22:25:35

My biggest gripe when we told people we were adopting was when they said 'I've got two children you can have!'
However, one year in I can safely say despite all our training and reading on adoptive parenting I have no idea what hit me!! I suspect nothing prepares you for parenting! smile

ColdfeetPinksocks Sun 25-Aug-13 23:00:03

Oh, I'm certain we have no idea what's coming. grin I just assumed that they were only telling me that cuz we're adopting -- have since eaten venty hat since I now know pg ladies get it too.

Practicing my 'did you mean to be so rude?'s instead. wink

mrsballack Mon 26-Aug-13 06:01:05

Gah, people!

The other day a work colleague told me didn't see why I'd need to take a year off for adoption leave as its not like ill have a newborn to look after.

Sadly for him he'd caught me on a bad day so I might have given him a gobfull

Biscuitsneeded Mon 02-Sep-13 15:31:42

I do understand what you're saying, but wonder why you object to people saying the adopted children will be lucky to have you? I'm sure that is meant as a compliment and as a vote of confidence in your future parenting. I appreciate that the children may not have been given a very 'lucky' start in life but I'm sure all that is meant is that their future wellbeing is in safe hands.

2old2beamum Russia Mon 02-Sep-13 17:10:15

Biscuitsneeded I think you are wrong we are lucky to have them, they were unlucky to be born unwanted or neglected by birth parents. We are so lucky to have had our 8 adopted DC's

Biscuitsneeded Mon 02-Sep-13 21:09:32

Of course, that side of things goes without saying. But if you didn't love your kids and feel lucky to have them I suspect you wouldn't be posting in this forum! But can't the luck go both ways?

MrsBW Italy Mon 02-Sep-13 21:44:35

Hi Biscuits - some adoptive parents object to it on behalf of their children.

Because it's a 'nice thing to say' on the surface, lots of people say it - some say it to the children.

Thus, the children are led to believe they should be 'grateful' - where in fact the very opposite is true. They've had the most awful start in life.

So yes, we realise it's a complimentary thing to say to the parents - but not necessarily to the children.

Hope that makes sense?

2old2beamum Russia Mon 02-Sep-13 22:05:12

MrsBW you said it so much better than me (grammar)
Biscuits I can see your point but in our case it aint true smile

greenfolder Mon 02-Sep-13 23:17:12

The only acceptable thing to say to either a pregnant person or a person matched is "how wonderful, congratulations " this did not stop people when finding out I was expectin dc 3 after a 10 year gap saying the most ridiculous stuff, usually that I was mad and did I know there was a chance it was a girl? I was polite to start, then moved into feck off quite quickly.

flossymuldoon Tue 03-Sep-13 15:08:50

I am really surprised I haven't had some of the really common comments. I fully expected to but they didn't come.

I did get a couple from really naïve friends of friends though that I wasn't expecting. One said "so do you just go choose one from the orphanage". It took all my willpower to avoid howling with laughter that anyone would be naïve to think that.

The second one was "what? you're going to tell him he's adopted? Awwww, that's not very nice". I didn't even respond to that one as my jaw was on the floor.

The less funny one was when his behaviour was really bad in the first 6 months after a 3 week honeymoon period, no-one would listen and tried to tell me that "all kids do that". It made me think I was a really shit Mum and that it was just me that couldn't cope. If only I had spoken to the SW earlier, she would have told me that his behaviour was pretty extreme.

Kewcumber Tue 03-Sep-13 16:34:29

I would be thrilled if DS one day felt lucky to have me as his mum. I do massively object to strangers and friends alike telling DS he is lucky to have what every other child considers to be the norm.

He is 7 - he shouldn't feel grateful because I love him and make a halfway decent job of keeping him safe.

There are thousands of potential adoptive parents out there and in proportionate terms probably way more will be decent parents than the percentage of birth parents are. Any one of them could have adopted him and he would have had an equally lovely and safe life and possibly even more.

I am lucky it was me.

Kewcumber Tue 03-Sep-13 16:40:41

Out of interest - do birth parents think their children are lucky to have decent parents? Do you really think that?

You think your toddler/pre-schooler etc should tell strangers in a cafe that they are lucky because Mummy tells them bed-time stories and feeds them when they're hungry and kisses their grazes and doesn't hit them?

You chose to have children, you have a responsibility to make your best attempt at being good at it because it was driven by an entirely selfish need in you to have a family in which your child had no voice/choice.

No different to adoption really.

flossymuldoon Tue 03-Sep-13 16:46:14

I am definitely the lucky one. These days I am even grateful I couldn't conceive, because if I had I wouldn't have met my son.

He is most definitely not lucky. If he was he would have been born to a Mum that could have taken good care of him rather than being on his 3rd set of parents.

Kewcumber Tue 03-Sep-13 17:46:57

flossy - if I'm feeling militant when people don't take the "oh no I'm the lucky one" hint and continue harping on about it then I have been known to ask "would you consider your children to be lucky if you had develeoped a drinking problem and in your alcoholic haze allowed your boyfriedns to sexually abuse them for several years before they came to the attention of social services when they were removed to live with someone temporarily before a year later being moved again to a permanent home? What a peculiar notion of "luck"!"

But I have only actually said something similar once out loud (though often in my head) and they were particularly persistent and obnoxious.

Mostly I just smile and say "yes and aren't your children lucky too" or my favorite "yes he is lucky - I'm marvellous"

shockers Tue 03-Sep-13 17:59:27

'You're a saint'.

No I'm not, I'm a mum... just like you are.

Kewcumber Tue 03-Sep-13 18:18:46

Ha ha - you're nicer than me shockers...

'You're a saint'.

Yes I am - I'm a bloody marvel.

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