Advice about giving up my baby....... I'm not sure if I have come to the right place????

[jdm2608]

So here goes...... I am currently 14 weeks pregnant. I know I WANT to have this baby adopted. I know some may think I'm being a coward and no facing up to my responsibilities. But this is the best thing for this baby.

I am 24, I have hardly any savings.... I can just about look after myself. I live in a flat share and have been with my on off boyfriend for a year. I always imagined at least being in my own place with a proper boyfriend before this happened. I am in no position to card for a baby right now!!! This has been the hardest decision of my life. But this baby deserves parents that will give it the best life possible. No matter how much it hurts me.
An abortion was never an option (I'm 100% pro choice) I found out 3 weeks ago after fall which resulted in me being taken to hospital. I have had an ultrasound and seen the sproglet floating about.

I am going to contact social services on Thursday. But I wanted some advice from people that may have already been through this. I love this baby, I won't change my mind because I know this best. So please don't tell me how great motherhood is.

These are main questions have....
What did you say to people at work, that stop and talk to you in the street etc??
How do I explain to my young nephews that there's a baby in my tummy, so whilst he has to be carefull when we play he won't ever meet this baby??
Do I buy baby clothes etc for after the birth??
Should I find out the sex??
Can I buy it a gift a teddy or something for him to take??
Will the baby realise that he has been taken away from me?? They say babies know who there mothers are?? Will he miss me for the first few days?? Would he be unsettled?? That would kill me to know!
What happens in the hospital after birth??
How can I go through the birth knowing the baby will be going?? Even if that's what I chose
How do I say goodbye??

Any advice or personal stories will be so much help right now.
Thank you

[Italiangreyhound]

jdm2608 I have not been through what you are going through so have no advice to give. Except you do need to talk this through with someone in real life, I think, in my opinion. Also just wanted to send you a warm hug as this must be a terribly tough time for you. Really hope someone else will give some good advice.

[libertine73]

You will be given counselling o should think, have you told anyone this is what you want to do? GP etc?

[JammieMummy]

Hello. The LA should offer you counselling and answer all of these questions for you (and then some). I think the fact that you are even considering this makes you incredibly brave and strong. Good luck with your meeting with the social workers.

[LEMisdisappointed]

You need some counselling, SS may well be the best first port of call - they will help you make sure that this is the right decision for YOU. Its not just about the baby, its about you too. You don't have to be a perfect parent you know. I woulnd't dream of trying to change your mind but you must be sure you are going to be able to live with your decision. Your baby would be fine and happy i am sure, i know someone who is adopted, shes perfectly happy - but you have to consider how you will feel. I would be too seflish to make the sacrifice you are contemplating making.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

You do have a huge amount that you need help with.

I have experience of the adoption process as a professional (family law). But most adoptions these days are not with the active consent of the parents. Most children and babies are adopted because they are at risk of significant harm in the care of a parent. Nothing you have said makes be think that would be the case with you.

I don't know if the father knows yet. But that is important. In the event you do not chose to bring tour child up that does not rule him out of doing so. If he is willing and able to care for his child then he would be allowed to do so. It may be that he is not interested or is not suitable but you need to think about this.

Similarly other family members would also be considered. You mention a nephew. Would your sister/brother want to bring your child up?

Whatever happens you will not be permitted to consent to the adoption until at least 6 weeks after birth. But you will not be made to look after him/her against your will. Though breastfeeding for the colostrum might be encouraged.

Unless your situation means you are a risk to your child you will be allowed to change your mind up until 6 weeks after birth.

You will be allowed to give a teddy and will be encouraged to do 'life story work' so the child has a 'story' of where he or she came from. More likely than not you will be able to receive yearly or twice yearly updates from the adopters on your child's progress. You might be able to meet the adopters but that is by no means certain.

I imagine that you would want to take in an outfit or 2 for the baby post birth. But in circumstances as you describe I cannot imagine anyone will expect you to provide a full set of baby 'gear'.

Since nothing you have said suggests the baby would be at risk from you you would not be forceably separated at birth. Though obviously you could hand the baby over to a social worker if you wished.

If your situation is relatively stable I not be at all surprised if you encountered a degree of - gentle - challenge and probing about your decision.

I think I'd probably go to see your GP first and explain your feelings. Whatever happens you will need counselling. But if you want to contact social services then do so. They ate likely to be contactable via your local council offices under Children and Young Persons Services or similar.

I wish you all the best.

[fasparent]

Agree with all you need lots of support understand your emotion's and concern, but what strike's me is your feelings of love, may be you are
in need of lots of love and support your self , which will help your self esteem and judgement . God bless and wish you the best.

[Fumbled]

Jdm, well I did this but you know I wouldn't want anyone else to...it is hard. If you look online their are lots of American sites where birth mothers talk about their feelings...it's a more common choice there for a whole host of reasons. Many of these mothers regret their decision so go very carefully.

Whether you find out the sex is up to you, whether you see the baby is up to you. Your baby would go from hospital to a foster care placement then to a permanent home. Rarely but possibly this is the same placement.

Throughout your pregnancy you will have meetings with social workers who will try to help you see if this is right for you. There is legal paperwork after birth too.

How do you say goodbye? You give a last cuddle and kiss and walk away with your leaking breasts and body that still looks pregnant. You then spend the rest of your life saying goodbye to each day and stage that you miss.

You will see that many adoptive children would have much preferred that their birth mother kept them whilst others don't ever desire any future contact. Some are angry some are grateful...you can't predict this.

What do you say to people? It is a socially unusual and probably unacceptable thing to do, people will ask, judge and talk about you. You will be known for ever by everyone who knows you now as the woman who gave her baby away.

But you know I am ok with it, the choice for me did work out ok but it wouldn't be my choice again. I put myself last and didn't see at the time that I didn't need to and that my intention of putting the baby 'first' was much more complex than I saw.

Sw will want to talk to the father also...


I wish you much support in your choices.

[Libertine73]

Fumbled what an insightful post, it does indeed sound very hard and complex. Hope you're still here OP and that you're OK.