Any one want a friend?

(16 Posts)
TLoubieL Sat 08-Jun-13 12:34:31

Hi,

I am 35 and my husband and I adopted to beautiful girls 2 and 5 in October. I have been feeling a bit isolated. Things are generally going well and our social worker has been great but I feel I would really like someone in the same situation to talk to at times. my eldest daughter (not unreasonably) has some difficulties with attachment and her past and I am finding it hard at times to be patient and say and do the right things (2 year old doesn't sleep to well and I am exhausted). Am seriously concerned that I may turn into my mother!!!

All the school mums think we moved to the area and although I have got over feeling a complete fraud in the school playground I don't really feel like I have much in common with them. My friends who have children are great but I don't feel they understand and when they compare my children's behaviour to theirs I feel like they have no understanding of my children's needs at all.

We made some friends in our group sessions but they subsequently pulled out of adopting and it would be nice to know someone in a similar situation.

Thought there may be someone out there thinking the same thing who might like to exchange emails.

grin

Moomoomie Sat 08-Jun-13 12:43:12

Ask your SW if there are any other adopters in your area or if there is a support group already set up.
When we adopted our first two children I kept badgering our SW for contact details of other adopters as there was no support group at the time.
12 years later we have a very good group were new people have come along and others have moved on.
If you want to PM me I am happy to talk more and let you know the area we live.
Hang around on here too, lots of good advice and good company.

Kewcumber Sat 08-Jun-13 18:10:37

Our local council also does local drop in mornings suitable for people with toddler to come too. Talk to your adoption team they might be able to help. And keep reading the adoption threads on here and posting, it really is a great place for feeling like you're amongst friends and you aren;t in fact a fraud!

Happiestinwellybobs Sat 08-Jun-13 20:06:15

Hello smile. Our LA does quite a lot re post adoption support - family get togethers, weekly drop ins, picnics, parties etc. Maybe a chat with them to see what they offer.

I completely understand where you are coming from - considering I live in a village, there are a few of us who've adopted, and its nice just to be able to chat about things with them. That being said I've found the people on here to be so supportive smile

TLoubieL welcome. Please feel free to pm me with where you are. Unlikely we are close geographically but who knows! I am not yet an adopter so really am a fraud! Joke! You are not one!

Adoption UK has groups in various areas, sadly not my area. This is probably due to not having whatever they call a co-ordinator for the group in my area.

Hope you find the support you are looking for.

Bobbie007 Sun 09-Jun-13 13:47:11

Hi. I am not an adopter although I have masses amounts of admiration for those who do. I am however a psychology student and I am studying attachment and dyadic developmental theory which you may find of interest.
Feel free to get in touch if you would like a chat.
xx

aboyandagirl Mon 10-Jun-13 17:09:33

TLoubieL Please feel free to PM me I can pass you my email. I had a horrendous time when our two were placed, my DS struggled so much with attachment issues, particularly with women, he felt he'd been abandoned twice -once by his BM and then again by his female FC who he loved so much. His rejection of me sent me spiraling into depression and it was a long climb back up. Nearly 2 years on and it's not all a bed of roses but we're getting there! I was really lonely and for some reason (possible because I was half out of my mind!) I didn't reach out to other people who had been through it, so I'm pleased you have and delighted to help if I can.

I have a boy of 6 and a girl of just 5 (last week) so we've loads in common smile

All the best

Catbert4pm Mon 10-Jun-13 17:18:43

Agree with the comments of the other posters, so nothing amazing to add really, but sending big hugs. It will get better, I promise you; you will make friends and yes, there's nothing like having a chat about stuff with a fellow adopter. Make sure you participate in your agency's post adoption support activities - this will benefit both you and the DC's. And look after yourself!

cedar12 Mon 10-Jun-13 17:53:07

Happy to meet if I am near you. Just pm me. I have a birth daughter and a adopted son.

getlucky Mon 10-Jun-13 18:51:53

Hi. I have two adopted dc too. I don't know anyone who has adopted and I can't go to our local support group as it is on a weekday evening which is impossible for me to get to. I know the feeling that people think children are all the same - when ours are not. I will PM you.

flossymuldoon Tue 11-Jun-13 14:45:21

Feel free to PM me and i'll send you my e-mail address!!

I have one DS who's 3.5 who has been with us over 2 years now. We had a difficult 1st year so I can relate to the isolation. I still have many friends that I know are inwardly rolling their eyes when I talk about his behaviour as they don't get it. Thanks to the lack of support/sympathy/understanding I got from them in the early months, I didn't get help when i needed it and nearly lost the plot.

I managed to stay sane thanks to other fellow adopters though smile

Ins62 Tue 11-Jun-13 22:00:19

Hello

My situation might be a little different but feel what you feel in a way. I have my 3 yr old grand daughter (I am 51) by court order. I take her to pre-schools and all the mums are young and in groups already. I feel a lot left out. I love my grandchild more than life and she is absolutely lovely but a little monkey to sleep and during eating times (like most kids). I am happy to be friends if you don't mind me?

TeenAndTween Thu 20-Jun-13 14:44:45

Hi, we also adopted 2 girls. Will PM you.

TeenAndTween Thu 20-Jun-13 14:51:33

never PMed before just checking this doesn't post (hopefully)

JustGiveMeFiveMinutes Thu 20-Jun-13 14:59:32

All mothers worry they may be turning into their own mother at some time wink

Good luck with your DC x

TeenAndTween Thu 20-Jun-13 15:03:30

Ok, so that didn't work. PM me and I'll try to reply!

Anyway we adopted sisters aged 2 and 8. It was really tough in the initial months, but it did get easier.

Some thoughts to think about, you don't need to place replies:

You may find it helpful if you could be more open that your girls are adopted. You are trying to make friends whilst holding back something very important. You don't need to broadcast it, but if there is anyone you feel you can trust you may want to tell them. You may find more tolerance of strange behaviour if they understand she is newly placed.

I hope you are going to a toddler group, but again if you can be open with some other mums it may help alot. You can then ask questions about stuff you don't know but that they might assume you do.
e.g potty training, how to entertain a 2 year old etc etc.

Do you have a local Adoption UK group near you, they can be good for support. You are right sometimes only other adopters understand. Try to educate your friends a bit if you can.

Is your DH pulling his weight? Does he have both girls together sometimes at weekends so you get a break? Does he do night time waking at least Fri and Sat nights so you get a good night's sleep?

Please PM me if you would like.

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