Crisis, please help

(40 Posts)
Lilka Tue 04-Jun-13 14:53:01

sad Bear with me

Just two days ago I was happy, and she was happy and we were all ticking along pretty well

Yesterday DD2 was arrested sad

She left college at lunch to meet with her birth mum for lunch at birth mum's house. And then I have no real idea what exactly happened, just that DD had a bad 'episode', dissociated and had no clue where she was, what was happening or anything like that, and birth mum had no idea what to do and tried to get too close to DD too quickly I guess, because DD attacked her (with her fists and feet only, no weapon or anything). So apparently BM ran out of her house and called the police and they arrived, and what do they do? Of course, approach her and terrify her, so she tried to smack them and promptly got arrested for assualting her bm and then trying to assualt the police officer, but was in such a state when they got her to the station, the police realised an ambulance might be a better idea.

And did I know about any of this until later that day? No. BM told the police she was DD's mum and also told the hospital staff the same. SHE GAVE THEM THE WRONG NAME FOR DD AND TOLD THEM SHE WAS DD <BM's SURNAME> No one found the truth out until DD started wailing for her mum (me!) and insisted BM wasn't the mum she wanted, and BM was forced to admit her stupid lies.

DD still in hospital but not for much longer, will definitely be discharged later today.

And now we have to deal with police sad I truly hope, given what happened and her mental health state, they don't press any charges.

I feel strangely calm and i don't know why. This is horrendous sad

I have no sympathy at all for BM. It's all her own fault, starting when she neglected and abused my precious DD and left her in this state. She didn't get arrested for what she did. I've never called the police when DD panicked and lashed out at me. And how fucking dare she try and pass herself off as DD's mum?????? I AM HER MUM angry

There must be someone out there with experience of mentally ill teens and the police?? What happens now?

Devora Thu 06-Jun-13 21:57:15

How are you both tonight, Lilka?

Lilka Fri 07-Jun-13 10:46:55

She went to college this morning on condition I come at lunch so we can eat together

She is still as she was on Wednesday afternoon sad very anxious, agitated and clingy. She hasn't talked about what happened at all.

BM has texted her but dd just deleted the texts and cried sad I think she blames her for calling the police and then the hospital admission, but as I said she's refusing to talk about it

I am so glad the police aren't taking this any further. Dd wouldn't cope at all

Thanks for thinking of us smile

fasparent Fri 07-Jun-13 11:12:12

Interesting Lilka, We had too contact BM when our dd was critical ill in hospital payed for and arrange visit. dd was very unhappy , thought we were doing the right thing. Has not spoke too BM Since or visited has not spoken about what happed or given reasons why she wished too break off contact, She is now a mature Adult and a teacher.

Kewcumber Fri 07-Jun-13 17:22:08

I'm a horrible person Lilka - my first thought was "good, that'll nip the wonderful BM before it gets too deep" Sorry blush

Of course you suspect it was going to end like this one way or another and better it happened sooner rather than later and that you are around and able to help her through it.

Although she sounds very anxious I think the fact that she was able to go to college at all today is a good thing. Let us know how she gets on.

Well Kew, you said it but I thought it so you're not the only horrible person!

And Lilka, I'm thrilled that your dd2 doesn't want any contact with BM. Please God it'll stay that way and you can all move on. I hope you do eventually find out what happened because I would think it's hard to be imagining what might have happened. I just hope that's the end of it for good now.

Lilka Sun 09-Jun-13 21:19:25

Hello

We had a quiet, low key weekend. dd was a little better until this morning when a couple of police cars and an ambulance raced by our house sirens blaring and she ran away and had a complete meltdown sad but on Saturday we managed a nice walk together and baked some fairy cakes. This evening we watched tv together. I am back to to sleeping in her room tonight, but she managed last night without me. I am so devastated to see her regress into this state sad on the positive side,she is showing her attachment to me - this is the most consistently loving she has been in some time. I hope this continues even when she has healed more from this experience

I do hope she stops contact with her BM now now until she is older and more stable at least. Although I wouldn't be upset if they were never in contact again. Contact was always helpful and good for us when it was controlled letters, photos, meetings with BM and me etc, and I don't regret it, and would say a controlled open adoption was probably the best thing out of the worst bunch - BUT unsupervised, daily intense contact has been a disaster

Hayleyh34 Wed 12-Jun-13 15:39:45

Oh Lilka, this sounds awful confused. I've only just seen this thread, how's everything now?

Lilka Thu 13-Jun-13 16:28:50

We're into a routine now, and she's in college. Still no contact with BM, not for want of trying on BM's part. I wish she had the common sense to realise that the reason dd is not replying to her is because she actually needs space and a break and doesn't want contact right now.

She has definitely regressed though and some old behaviours are rearing their heads again. She is still clinging to me and I am still going full on with attachment/therapeutic parenting, as she is clearly responding best to this

My heart is breaking for her sad
Thank you for the kind words all, you are more of a aupport than you know when it is hard for me to get out the house and meet my supportive friends and family in the flesh

Hayleyh34 Thu 13-Jun-13 16:46:45

You're doing an amazing job in very difficult circumstances. I'm not surprised that your daughter has regressed. The BM just makes me confused

Kewcumber Thu 13-Jun-13 16:53:00

Lilka - can you not intervene and directly say to BM that DD is not replying becasue she wants time and space?

HappySunflower Thu 13-Jun-13 21:25:58

What support are you getting from the post adoption support team?
I would suggest that you consider contacting them and ask them to contact BM to tell her to back off.

Devora Thu 13-Jun-13 22:44:00

Lilka, you are amazing, but doesn't there come a point where you just crack and react like any other parent would, and have a few well chosen words with BM?

Maiyakat Fri 14-Jun-13 10:31:34

It seems wrong that it's your job to deal with BM. The adoption team have a responsibility to act in your DD's best interests, which at the moment would be them telling BM where to go. Really hope you get some decent support from them (I know, flying pigs and all that...) and that you are able to get out soon to see friends and family

Lilka Fri 14-Jun-13 17:41:58

There's a good part of me that would be very happy to tell BM to go away and leave DD well alone, because I'm still very angry with her

And another big part of me that is thinking 'you should distance yourself from her' which is winning out

I also think frankly SS should be doing it, not leaving it to me. But since they are doing their best to win 'chocolate radiator of the year' award...

Unfortunately I suspect neither SS or me will actually succeed in stopping her contacting DD. I suspect she'll just see me trying to sabotage their relationship and refuse to believe that it's DD herself who does not want contact and not controlling and possessive adopter trying to keep DD to myself angry I suspect that only time and DD herself will be able to put the brakes on. How unfair on DD

So yesterday evening and today my plan of action has instead been to help DD stop the contact without talking to her BM directly. I have helped her to unfriend her BM on Facebook and block her.

You can't block individual mobile numbers so I am going to buy DD a new phone instead. I won't let her have modern smartphones or anything, but she has a cheapy older model, so it's not a problem to replace it and get a new number.

I do hope that this on its own might put BM off...if not it's back to SS and if not I'll have to try myself or consider involving other authorities if she is harassing DD, but I hope it does not come to that and she will back off

Maryz Sat 15-Jun-13 12:59:02

Sorry I missed this Lilka sad

You know, I know this sounds terrible, but I think this might in the end have been a good thing to happen. The situation with her bm was always going to end in tears, and at least this way your dd knows her bm is unreliable.

I think you should consider taking legal advice about talking to ss and having her banned from contacting dd - what she did about giving a false name and not contacting you is surely illegal? dd is under 18 and thus should have had a responsible adult with her both with the police and at the hospital.

You have been badly let down by SS here. This is the reason that birth parents are not allowed to contact children. For dd's safety (and for ds's) you really need bm to realise that what she is doing is wrong, and probably illegal.

If you go the legal route (and you need to do it quickly, before dd gets to 18), then she cannot contact your children directly. That way you regain the authority to support them properly, if that makes sense.

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