How should I deal with this? I just discovered my birth mother tried to find me over 10 years ago

(34 Posts)

I was googling my own name (as you do wink), then DH's, etc etc, and for some reason I googled my birth mother. There's a post on an adoption board from the 1990's, it is definitely about me, the same birth date and everything. It just says "(mumsname) seeks (myname), (myDOB), born (the hospital I was born at)." And it's posted by a man with a different name, with an email address at the bottom that I think was hers.

I was adopted at birth, she was 14 years old, and I never had any contact. I got my original birth certificate about 20 years ago with her name on it, but that's the limit of my knowledge.

Weird. I'm not sure how to feel about it, TBH.

I'm still undecided. Has anyone used afteradoption.co.uk? I wondered about ringing them just to talk it all through, but it's not clear from their website what they charge for their services.

FruOla Thu 16-May-13 17:19:31

Did you look at After Adoption www.afteradoption.org.uk/ - (that is, dot.org), so presumably a government website? You've linked to a dotcodotuk website, which is coming up with no website at all.

Anyway, just give them a call to see what their services and charges are. When I belonged to NORCAP (now sadly defunct) I found they were extremely helpful on the phone before I committed to anything financially.

CalamityKate Thu 16-May-13 17:36:30

How odd I was in the same position a few years ago, or very similar!

I googled my birth name and found a post on a "Missing" type website from my half sister looking for me!

Unfortunately it was a few years old and although I replied (presumably replies are then forwarded to the posters email) I never heard anything more.

Good luck with whatever you decide smile

Fru my mistake, it was the .org website.

Calamity you know you have a half-sister out there somewhere. Who knows, one day - maybe you'll find each other.

I think I will give them a call, probably next week. I would normally talk to my mum about it but it's a rotten time at the moment (family funeral next week) so I can't land this on her too. I feel like I'm keeping secrets sad, obviously I've told DH though and I'm spending tomorrow with a really good friend and I can talk it over with her too.

I'm flipping from excited to worried to sad, I know there's no particular 'right' way to feel about it but it's been such a bolt from the blue that I can't work out how to feel about it all!

FruOla Thu 16-May-13 20:24:21

oops, I didn't want you wasting your time on the wrong website, is all!

Update: I've talked to my mum, her and DH are being fabulously supportive, and I've just posted my details off to the Contact Register. If she's registered too, I'll be given contact details.

It's very strange - I don't have any feelings towards my birth mother at all. I hear stories of adopted people who've always felt there was 'something missing', but I really don't. The only thing I really feel is gratitude - she gave me up to a couple who desperately wanted a baby, and who are the most loving, caring parents anyone could ever wish for.

I will update when I hear from the Register.

Kewcumber Fri 07-Jun-13 17:25:23

I hear stories of adopted people who've always felt there was 'something missing', but I really don't.

I really wouldn't waste too much head space on whether how you feel is normal or not or how other people feel. Everyone feels differently and your feelings will probably change over time depending on what you find/how your life is etc. That's life isn't - we all respond differently to things depending on our own personality and circumstances.

Good luck

Mimishimi Mon 01-Jul-13 03:34:10

Stories are only just coming out in the past few years of how many babies were forcefully taken from their mothers, mostly single but sometimes married(!!), by corrupt church health workers all over western countries like Spain, Australia, Ireland and the UK for at least forty years up until the early 1980s. Often they were falsely told that something was wrong with the child and it was stillborn or died shortly after birth. This meant the babies could be sold for adoption without providing any compensation to the mothers. Of course, many adoptive parents had no idea this was going on...they were simply told by the church adoption networks that the child was unwanted, had been born to a prostitute etc. If your birth mother is looking for you, it could be possible that she didn't give her consent for you to be given up.

Budgiegirlbob Mon 15-Jul-13 21:22:42

Don't worry about not feeling there's 'something missing'. I was adopted at birth and never felt there was something missing. I think that this was because I such a happy and loving childhood with my adoptive parents that there really wasn't anything missing in my life.

That said, when I had my own children, I started to think that my birth mum might be wondering if I was alright. So I registered in both the government register and the norcap register. Norcap contacted me to say that my birth mum was also registered, and then they acted as an intermediary and put us in touch. With their help we took it slowly, and things progressed until we finally met. That was over ten years ago, and I now have a great relationship with my birth mum.

I guess what I am trying to say is don't worry about what is 'normal' , take it one step at a time, and move at a pace you are comfortable with. If you can use a third party it can really help

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