Dds birth mother pregnant

(22 Posts)
TheRealFellatio Tue 11-Jun-13 14:38:07

Well I would just reiterate what I said upthread last time - this is not your problem to worry about. How would you feel if you found out you were accidentally PG again so soon after your son? Obviously you might go ahead and have the baby, but if your initial reaction was one of shock and panic and a slight sense of doom then there is absolutely NO REASON why you should put yourself through this massive, life-changing commitment just to make someone else's job easier for them, and so that they can tick a box on their quota form that says it's better for adopted siblings to stay within the family and/or with siblings.

And I think they've got a damn cheek to keep coming back and pressuring you. You know the baby is there for the taking if you want it - and if you did you'd have got back to them. that's the bottom line. They shouldn't be having to persuade you, or appeal to your better nature when there are couples out there would give up a limb to love this child as their own.

flossymuldoon Tue 11-Jun-13 14:29:01

I feel for you having to make this decision.

Me and DH talked about this as we are pretty sure we are not going to adopt again but have said that we may if there is another sibling born. I say 'may' as we will only do it if it is in the best interests of my DS. If we don't feel it is then we will have to say no. I would be devastated to (as secretly I would like another child) but if it was the wrong thing to do I would have to try and put my own personal feelings to one side for the sake of DS.

I have a friend who adopted children 1 & 2 about 2 years ago and would have loved more. She has been contacted about children 3 & 4 (a year apart) but she said no as the needs of her eldest are too great for it to have been in their best interests. I truly admire her for the decisions she has made but I can't imagine how agonising the decision must have been.

I wish you all the best of luck in making such a difficult decision. You will make the right decision for you all!

KristinaM Mon 10-Jun-13 21:27:10

What support will they give you? hmm

How will it work with a teenager, a younger son And a preemie baby? Forgive me if I'm out of line but you have no idea what challenges you might face with DS2 .

This sounds like a crazy Plan to me . Especially as the new baby could be placed with prospective adopters from birth under concurrent planning. And I assume you would allow some form of contact with DD?

NeverBeenToMe Mon 10-Jun-13 17:38:13

Such a difficult decision - but the right one is the one that is best for your current family. Harsh as it may sound, that may mean you say no. I have my dgs under an sgo and when it looked like there was a sibling on the way I - after much thought - knew I would have to say no if ss asked me to take another baby in.

It doesn't make you a bad person - and anyone who thinks it does needs to walk a while in our shoes ....

Wishing you strength to make the best choice x

Mama1980 Mon 10-Jun-13 17:15:25

Hi me again..... I had another call from ss today. They wanted to know my thoughts. Stressed they would work with me, give me all the support I need etc etc. there is absolutely no chance dds birth mother will be allowed to keep this baby hmm they need to know whether a sgo placement with me is a option they stressed this would be their first choice even given the young age of my ds2, he will be a year when this baby is born. I don't know why I'm writing I know only I can make this decision but it helps to write things down.

fasparent Thu 16-May-13 17:40:26

Our FC was placed last year with single sex couple, his new sibling has just been placed with him, we went too Adoption celebration all have settled well, like happy endings.

Mama1980 Tue 14-May-13 10:36:43

Hi thanks for all your messages. I cant talk to anyone in rl about this. I can't give too many details as people on my ante natal thread know me in real life. After a long talk with ss it seems that my health issues wouldn't be a issue, they are improving and I am already managing fine with my own ds Who is 6 months now. I am still leaning towards no tbh i feel I must give everything proper consideration, gain all the information before making a decision.
Hypothetically they said they would apply for a sgo to be in place 3 months before baby was due, things would be smoother given that I am technically family and already have one in place for dd. does anyone have any experience of this process?
Also I am going to need to tell dd at some point but as to when and how? We've been through so much and were very close.
I am almost certain I will say no and thank you for reassuring me that that would be ok.

Happiestinwellybobs Fri 10-May-13 08:47:39

It is such a difficult situation. DD had only been with us 5 months when we got 'the call'. Thankfully DH and I were in agreement that it was much too soon to consider another child. Three months later we receive a phone call to let us know DD's half-sibling had been born.

It was actually one of the hardest points of the whole process for us. We had to balance immense guilt that we weren't letting DD have a sibling live with her (there is already another sibling adopted elsewhere) with our gut feel that this wasn't right for us at this time. Eventually we came to the conclusion that actually it might unsettle DD and that there would be another couple out there desperate for a child who would experience the joy that we have. We will do everything we can to make sure DD knows who her siblings are and to liaise with their families.

It is different for us all; you just have to go with your judgement as to what is right for all your family. Good luck with whatever you decide smile

HappySunflower Fri 10-May-13 08:08:21

Oh...and another thing.
If you say no, this doesn't mean that your child/ren won't have another sibling. They just won't have one who lives with them.
Contact arrangements between adopters can be made, so it may well be that, in time, you can organise an annual direct contact or something.

HappySunflower Fri 10-May-13 08:06:44

I have given this scenario some thought from my own perspective, as this is something that I know I could possibly be faced with at some point.

The way I see it, your commitment and responsibility is towards your existing children.
So, on that score, don't feel under too much pressure to do what would make everybody go 'Aaaah, how lovely. What a perfect thing to happen', because if there one thing I DO know, is that there's noting perfect about adoption, and it is far from always lovely!

Also....trust yourself, and trust your own instincts. You might not feel like it right now, but you will make the right decision for you and your family.

Good luck with whatever you decide, and remember, we are always here if you need a sounding board.

Kewcumber Thu 09-May-13 16:32:42

If you decide no - you should remember two things -

1 - this isn;t a situation of you making and therefore you are not responsible
2 - there are many families desperate for a child. Have no doubt that if an adoption plan is agreed, someone will give him/her a loving home (in fact we could probably propose a couple of mumsnetters!)

Mama1980 Thu 09-May-13 07:47:19

Thanks everyone for the support and advice lots to think about. I am going to call ss today and discuss my situation in detail, especially with regards to my health issues. I may not be considered suitable anymore given my changed circumstances. If I am then I need to ask for more information really. Tbh I'm leaning towards there's just no way, but I owe it to everyone to visit some serious thought.
All your thoughts and time taken to reply is very much appreciated.

hackneyLass Wed 08-May-13 18:24:57

Mama1980 I really sympathise & I just want to echo what the others say. It's not an easy or fast decision & not surprising you're all over the place.

SS asked me to take my brother's kids (2, 3) on an SGO a few months ago. We felt we were asked to decide very fast (especially considering the amount of time SS had had already...), 3 weeks from 1st phone call to initial viability assessment. Lots of feelings of guilt if we didn't agree to take them etc etc. I kept convincing myself one way then the other.

We found the Family Rights Group helpline good. And I found myself talking about it to people I wouldn't see regularly enough to keep asking "have you decided yet". Maybe that's what MN is for too smile.

fasparent Wed 08-May-13 15:09:55

Can understand all New Baby and teenage adolescent at home , then blast from the past. Take all slow look at long term implications who may be has the next baby and the next. Question your self contact ?? if so will it open whole new lifestyle , unknown area's, possible complications by opening new windows. Know some who have has 9 or more children all adopted. We have 3 children all in separate adoptive placements and now adults all get on well some have own family's and children. All three get on very well see each other often visit and stay over. So it can work out very well if handled well , none had contact with birth mum but has with grandparents and uncles and aunts.

TheRealFellatio Wed 08-May-13 14:27:08

I think you should just say no. You are not obliged to keep them together - it's not like they already know one another and I assume they will only be half brother and sister, and the age gap is huge. If she has no contact with her mother and is unlikely to for quite some time or ever, then I think the connection between her and this unborn child and you is way too tenuous for you to feel any moral duty to involve yourself.

You have a new baby and a family already. Let this baby go to someone who desperately longs for a child.

Annunziata Wed 08-May-13 14:17:56

Hi. I am in nearly the same position. My sister has just had a baby girl, we adopted her son years ago, he is now 17. I'm finding it quite hard to be honest. In the future we will probably adopt the baby but just now, we don't know what is happening.

I don't really know what to write back, but I just wanted to let you know you aren't the only one, and wish you luck.

MuseumOfHam Wed 08-May-13 12:45:18

Hi I'm quite new here, and I've just replied to lighthearted threads so far, this is my first 'serious' post.

I really feel for you, but I just wanted to echo one of the points Lilka made, that you may have longer than you think to come to a decision. SS were aware that my DS's birth mum was pregnant from very early on in her pregnancy and the only planned outcome for the baby from the outset was adoption. Yet, for various reasons, one of which being the legal process, DS didn't actually come home to me until he was 17 months - i.e. nearly 2 years after SS knew there was going to be a baby for whom the outcome was definitely going to be adoption.

You only heard yesterday, you are just coming out of a very traumatic period in your life, you must be in shock. You have got plenty of time to really examine your feelings about this and think through what is in the best interests of you and all your existing family, how you would cope with it, and what the practical issues would be.

You say SS said you have time - hold them to that, don't let them start chivvying you or putting you under any pressure.

I also agree that I wouldn't tell your DD yet - things could change.

Mannequinkate Wed 08-May-13 12:24:05

Never been in a situation like this but I agree that you need to think about if taking this dc is right for your family. Your dd is 15 and I think once you have thought this through you need to discuss it with her. She needs her thoughts and feelings to be considered in this as well.

Good luck

Mama1980 Wed 08-May-13 12:18:43

Thanks for replying its much appreciated.
i just want to cry its been a horrific few months watching my boy fight for his life we've only been home 4 weeks and I was just starting to feel on a even keel......confused

Kewcumber Wed 08-May-13 12:13:45

Man thats a big thing to process. No experience but you have to make a decision based on what you think is the right decision for your family. And if you decide that isn;t taking the baby then perhaps you can arrange contact with adoptive parents.

I know a family who have three biological siblings one after the other when the family who adopted the older three siblings (also one after the other) couldn't take any more. They have already decided that 3 is their limit and if any more happen they will go to a third family.

They have contact with older siblings I think annually.

Lilka Wed 08-May-13 10:02:08

Oh I so sympathise, BTDT, it's such a difficult situation, and SS don't help by informing you late in the game, and then springing not only news of a pregnancy/birth on you but in the same sentence asking whether you want to adopt/foster the new baby. Do you need a virtual brew or wine ? smile

My DD2 had been home less than a year when I got 'the call'. New baby soon to be born, baby will be going home with birthmum but just wanted to let you know. Less than 6 months after the birth that turned into 'baby boy now in care, no idea what's going to happen' which stretched into months and months and then a year, and then some more months until 'baby boy now going to be adopted, do you want him?' My DS was 23 months before I did introductions and brought him home.

So my situation was slightly different in that I had more time to think about what would happen if the baby became available for adoption. But it was hard because of my DD2's special needs.

If you want my advice, I would hesitate to tell your DD until after the birth and after the baby is definitely going into care, just in case something happens. I didn't tell my DD2 about her brother until after the birth, but in hindsight in my situation I told her too soon because first she had to try and come to terms with a brother living with her birth mum when she couldn't and then after that digest the news that he was now in care which threw up loads more emotions. If I had waited a little longer I could have told her after her brother went into care and she would never have gone through all the hurt about her brother living with birth mum.

About taking the baby...I would say, it's really tough thinking about it and it can bring up a lot of emotions...worry, guilt, confusion, anger etc. But remember that you did not cause this situation, birth mum caused it, and you shouldn't feel guilty about saying 'no I can't take this baby' if it comes to that. You just have to be honest with yourself and SS about whether you can do this. It isn't your fault if you can't take the baby, and it isn't you depriving your DD of a home with her brother and vice versa (because I felt like if I didn't take DS I was being cruel to both siblings but I realise differently now)....birth mum made that choice for you all by getting pregnant when she did, and if the baby can't live with it's siblings, it's her fault not yours. Her bad timing not yours. Her needing to answer to the children about why they don't live together, not you. You didn't make this pregnancy and birth happen.

Think carefully about whether you can actually manage it. I struggle to manage with my 2 at home and I don't regret adopting my DS now but I nearly have at points including recently because it's very hard juggling their competing needs. As I said, it isn't your fault and you aren't to blame if you can't take the baby.

And take some time to digest the news before doing anything. It's really sudden how this is sprung on you, don't think about making decisions yet, give yourself time to take stock.

Mama1980 Wed 08-May-13 08:55:48

Hi I'm very tired been up all night with ds2 so please forgive me if this rambles a bit!
I have a dd 15 by sgo she has been with me for 5 years she was removed from her birth mother (a distant relative) due to abuse and neglect. She has no contact with Birth mother ( based upon both her wishes and a counsellors recommendation) and after a lot of hard work and counselling she is doing great smile she is amazing.
Yesterday I was called by social services who informed me that her birth mother s pregnant again, and that they will be removing the baby from her care. They asked about my circumstances and if/whether I would consider taking the baby.
Now my circumstances are not great at the moment, I am recently out of hospital after having ds2 at 24 weeks, he is now 6 months and doing great though I have some ongoing health issues. I explained all this on the phone and ss said this wouldn't necessary make me unsuitable, I have time.
Oh I don't know what to think, my head is All over the place right
now. I didn't say anything to dd. how would I even broach it? Don't know whatim looking for but it is good to write that down.

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