Will all birth children have anxiety before arrival of a new (adopted) child?

(10 Posts)

DD seems very calm and very happy about us having a new child by adopting. Did other kids feel this way or were most nervous or fearful etc? I just wonder if she feels any nerves and is hiding it. I have asked but she just seems very cheerful!

cedar12 Thu 18-Apr-13 20:46:39

My dd was like that but as it got nearer to matching she had a few wobbles.

KristinaM Thu 18-Apr-13 21:04:53

It's a bit theoretical at the moment. It will seem a lot more real when you have photos /film clips of her new sister /brother. I wouldn't worry abut it now TBH, it's too far away

Moomoomie Thu 18-Apr-13 21:38:59

She is too young to think how an adult does. For her it is still not a real concept.
I agree that once you have a definite match and have an actual child to talk about including age and sex she may well feel different.
Try not to put to much pressure on her to articulate how she feels.

AngelsWithSilverWings Thu 18-Apr-13 21:43:47

My DS was very excited and happy (he was adopted at 10 months so not a birth chid but was 3.5 when DD arrived )

The problems started once DD came home!

How old is your birth child?

Thanks so much, Cedar, how did things work out. I will PM you.

Thanks and any more experiences out there, please?

Kristina, Cedar and Moomoomie thanks so much. Yes, I know it will seem different when there is a 'real' child!

Angelswithsilverwings thank you for your thoughts. My birth child is 8. Can I ask about the problems that happened with your family, you can PM me if you would like to, or not, I don't want to pry.

Many thanks.

AngelsWithSilverWings Thu 18-Apr-13 23:06:03

No problem giving details.

Firstly , the introduction period is emotionally and physically tough on everyone. He couldn't be part everything as everything is done gradually. So he was aware that we were going off to meet his new sister but he was excluded.Not great.

He was introduced to her gradually and then the introductions switched from the foster home to our home. Then our house would be full of social workers, health visitors , foster carers etc. He hated that. All these strangers in the house all the time!

His behaviour started to become more challenging.

First he started trying to control me and everything that happened in the house. He would ask me to get him things , play with him, help him with things constantly. Nothing was enough for him.

He would be rude, do naughty things like writing on walls or deliberately destroying DD's toys. If things didn't go his way he would have a major meltdown and I'd spend another half an hour calming him down or making him stay on the naughty spot. I would often realise that I'd just spent two hours being controlled by a 3 year old!

The pre school also reported a few incidents but they managed to get him back on the straight and narrow pretty quickly!

Meanwhile my 10 month old DD would be happily entertaining herself. She was so undemanding!

We realised quickly that he was just trying to keep all of our attention on him so we just stepped up all the reassurance , gave lots of cuddles , maintained a constant approach with regard to discipline and generally muddled through.

I can't say we found any great solutions and unfortunately the tantrums and bad behaviour went on for almost a year.

Luckily we have great family support so we coped but I look back on that period and feel sad for my DD because so much of my time went to DS and I feel bad for my DS because he must have been so confused.

We took loads of video of DD's first week with us and we noticed that DS kept jumping in front of the camera and doing goofy stuff so that we filmed him instead. We found it funny at the time but watching back now it makes me feel really sad for him.

They get on great now - they have their moments like all siblings!

One thing I will say is that DS's problems may have been due to his fear of change which is linked to when he was transferred from his foster carer to us. If he had been a birth child he may not have reacted so strongly.

We go through challenging behaviour every time there is a change in his life. Even a holiday can trigger problems.

I've prattled on a bit and am off to bed now but I'll be around tomorrow if you have any more questions.

* AngelsWithSilverWings* thank you so much for sharing. Can I ask how old DS is now? I am sure you coped well. I hope I do too. I know DD will be quite confused, perhaps with conflicting feelings, good and bad, and it had already occured to me that some of the intro stuff will happen (if we get through) when she is at school. Did you take DS with you when you went to collect' DD' or did foster family bring her to you? Just curious. Thanks so much. smile

sorry that should be to 'collect' dd.....

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