genes aren't everything

(17 Posts)
OceanBeach Sun 14-Apr-13 13:21:52

Just wanted to share some wisdom from my DH this morning.

We're hoping to go through surrogacy, or if not adoption. Either way this baby won't be mine, as I can't use my eggs due to a genetic condition. I have come to terms with this. DH is happy with this, and at the moment he prefers adoption as its easier to get his head around to him than surrogacy. Although he thinks we will go for surrogacy.

I was thinking about our best friends daughter and how alike her mother was. I thought it was because she looked just like her. But dh explained that she didn't look like her, but she had the same inflections in her speech, and her movements and expressions were the same. All things she had learnt and copied.

It really helped me to see beyond the genetics, and thought I would share the live and my eureka moment.

Also whenever you watch tv or film, the child is almost never related to the actor mum, but you don't think - they're nit really their child at all

Happiestinwellybobs Sun 14-Apr-13 18:47:11

People often comment that (adopted) DD looks like DH - and we were laughing today about how much she has perfected his furrowed brow smile she is nearly 2!

You're absolutely right - genes don't really matter at all. She is our daughter. I could not love her more than I do.

Good luck with whatever route you take smile

AngelsWithSilverWings Sun 14-Apr-13 20:35:38

Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.

Just wanted to let you know how funny I used to find it when strangers would comment on how much my adopted DS looked like me when he was a baby.

My adopted DD didn't look anything like me as a baby but she has completely morphed into my own little mini me!

People now comment on how my DS's facial expressions are exactly like my DH's.

I have a friend whose adopted DS is the spitting image of both her DH and her biological DS. I saw them last week and the likeness is spooky!

lilypig Sun 14-Apr-13 23:20:16

I also have had comments how my adopted DD's look similar to me, both adopted and from different birth families.

Our DD1 was linked to us after our initial meeting with social services because of the physical likeness, so we whizzed through the whole process.

Good luck with whichever route you choose.

People say I'm just like my dad. Some don't know hes not biologically my father. I have picked up his mannerisms I think. Looking at us there are no similarities at all in how we look but people say when we are in a room together you wouldn't think it wasn't biological.

He raised me from the age of two and adopted me at age 10. Hes my dad, always has been and always will. Genes dont matter. My bio father is just the sperm donor

TeenAndTween Mon 15-Apr-13 12:02:20

My daughters look nothing like me, in fact the older one looks striking like her BM. BUT people say they are very similar to me - similar phrases, mannerisms etc. We also talk to our ADDs about nature v nurture, and although they get their looks from the BPs, other stuff is about themselves and their values. (In particular, just because BF was not very nice, doesn't mean they will be like him).

We never considered surrogacy / donor sperm. I liked the idea of adoption as at least the children were not related to either of us iyswim?

Obviously with adoption you don't get them from birth, but I was never that fussed about that. It is something to consider though. My youngest wasn't yet 3 when she came and was a big baby really so I did get to do bottles, nappy changing etc. My eldest was already 7 so we went full tilt into family life (and 'caught up' with our peer group who already had similar aged children).

OceanBeach Mon 15-Apr-13 15:02:22

Teen, DH prefers adoption as he doesn't see the point of child just being related to one of genetically. Also he is worried about missing the baby stage, I just think I am wired to think "baby"

Have started to think about other friends children, and although some are strikingly like their parents in looks, their parents think they look nothing like them, and think its their learnt speech, behaviours etc that make them similar

Kewcumber Tue 16-Apr-13 14:38:01

Some people tell me how much (adopted) DS looks like me. Which if you saw us you would find most amusing as we aren't even the same race! He definitely talks like me ad has my mannerisms though.

Don't dismiss the advantage to the child of being with you from birth. I'm a big advocate of adoption (obviously) but it wounds me deeply that DS has a missing year that is a mystery to both of us and I can't ever fill that. He has little in the way of difficult behaviour related to his adoption I think but he has suffered beyond the norm from separation anxiety as the first year of his life was characterised by a revolving door of carers.

The surrogacy/donor eggs decision/advantage isn't in my mind the advantage to you of having a genetic link but having a more certain beginning for your child.

Of course some take the approach that they'd rather not go to those extra length when there are children who need families but thats a personal decision (and ironically it was my decision when I do counsel parents to think very carefully about dismissing the surrogacy/donor option)

Good luck. Its a good thing that you have got your head around the lack of genetic link as it then means its easier to make the right decision for your family.

The reality is that many more people than they realise themselves are not genetically linked to the people they think they are - if I believe the estimates!

morethanpotatoprints Tue 16-Apr-13 21:38:13

I am adopted and everybody used to comment on how much i looked my my mum. Even people who knew I was adopted, who'd perhaps temporarily forgotten.
I must say though when meeting members of birth family (not mother) although seen a photo, the resemblance to me and my dc was uncanny. I think you can grow to have somebody elses looks through mannerisms and certain inflections of the voice.
I know things are different now but pre 1975 they used to place babies with adoptive parents who had a resemblance. It says in my notes this was one reason I was placed with my mum and Dad. it also said similar cultural background but that was utter rubbish.

AThingInYourLife Tue 16-Apr-13 21:44:15

"Either way this baby won't be mine"

Either way it will.

morethanpotatoprints Tue 16-Apr-13 21:46:22

Happies

You lovely person, your post just made me cry. thanks what a wonderful mum you are. Those were the words my mum said to me when I was bullied for being adopted.
She also told me that their mummies had to have them, but I was special because they went to a really big place with hundreds of babies and chose me.

OceanBeach Tue 16-Apr-13 21:49:07

athing sorry I meant not genetically related, but I know what you mean, I am completely happy that any child will automatically feel like mine.

kew I think what you say about the child's beginning is so spot on its scary!

QOD Tue 16-Apr-13 21:58:24

What does your dh mean about being worried about missing the baby stage of having a surrogate baby?

My dd is a straight surrogate baby, no one ever comments on her looking like me, she's not remotely like me in looks. However, mannerisms and sarcasm are just me to a T!!
She looks so much like dh that people just wow about that

Funnily enough, her birth mum, my friend, thinks dd looks loads like HER mum, though I don't see it.

happyfreeconfused Sun 21-Apr-13 14:23:41

My dc don't look like me but we all have the same colouring so still look like a family. As for mannerisms and speech, well of course we are similar, we live together!

Surrealistrhinoceros Wed 24-Apr-13 21:51:23

Somebody recently said that my two DC were 'peas in a pod'.

Except they're adopted, have entirely different birth parents and are of different ethnic mixes smile

Definitely not all in the genes!

Lozzamack Tue 30-Apr-13 03:59:24

surrealistrhinoceros -mine 2! Have been asked many a time if there are twinssmile

bishboschone Wed 08-May-13 13:58:40

My dh was adopted by who we call his dad when he was around 4 .. It's amazing how similar they are , they are physically similar , same height/ weight etc and their mannerisms are so alike. Not only that but their personalities are the same too. He has much more in common with his dad that his bio mum !

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