Adoption and maintaining a career

[booksshoescats]

I have a rather 'how-long-is-a-piece-of-string' question regarding the possibility of how realistic it is to think I'll be able to maintain my career after adopting a child. I think I am as realistic as it is possible to be about what is involved without having yet embarked on the process (i.e probably not very ) and I do realise that it is not possible, with all the good will in the world, to judge how much (and what kind of) care and attention a child will need until they have been with you for a while, and even then they may develop needs along the way (e.g. at school age/as teenagers) that they did not have as a two- or three-year-old, which is the age we would hope to adopt.

DH and I have birth DD age 4 and are potentially planning to embark on the process of applying to an LA in around 18 months' time. We have done a lot of legwork in terms of an LA that might take us on, and had a very promising face-to-face meeting with a lovely senior SW, who seemed favourable to us and advised us that when we were ready we should come back to her directly, could skip info events and she would have a SW come to see us and we could take it from there.

I am pretty sure this is what I want, DH slightly less so although very open to the idea. I am not attached to having another BC, and have always wanted to adopt, he is still not quite there as he would, in an ideal world, like another baby (although not desperate). I am 40 he is 46, though, so time running out for BC in any case.

Anyway, if you've read this far (thank you), the only sticking point I can see for me - and I am really giving this a lot of thought - is that I love my job/career, and can't see myself ever being able to give it up. It forms a very strong part of my identity and I don't think I could bear to go completely freelance or do less than three days a week. I work in a very female industry, where it is common for women to take a year for mat leave, so adoption leave wouldn't be a problem - it's more a case of what happens afterwards.

DH likes his job/career, but not attached in the way that I am. We have always done equal childcare (in fact he did more until recently and is an amazing dad with huge reserves of love and patience).

Anyway, would really like to get perspective from experienced adopters to whom career was important on how things have worked out for you. Apologies if I take a little while to come back, as am at work (obvs!).

Thanks so much in advance.

[booksshoescats]

I'm a regular, btw, although not a famous one , and a long-time adoption-board lurker. I haven't really posted much for ages, though, and have namechanged to make me a bit less identifiable.

[Happiestinwellybobs]

I completely understand where you're coming from. My job is a very important part of who I am and I love where I work. We were very fortunate to adopt a young child (DD was 10 months when she came home - a year ago tomorrow actually :) )

Our SW did stress quite a bit about me going back part time, and I had to keep reminding her that I couldn't insist work would let me but I knew my rights. As it turned out, when thoughts of work came, I really only wanted to do part time hours and it was accepted by my employer. DH is self employed so much of the childcare falls to me. For us, in our particular circumstances, going back to work has been relatively easy. DD, after a wobbly couple of weeks, has settled in beautifully at nursery.

However DD was so young and had been in a (magnificent) foster family since birth. As such, and at this stage in her life, we don't appear to have any issues (beyond the usual ones associated with having a nearly two-year old who knows her own mind!!!!). I am not naive to think that may change over her lifetime, but for now, me working works for our family.

I do know of other families, where a parent (mums in both cases) had planned to return but were not able to due to the issues they have to deal with. One adopted a slightly older child, and one adopted young siblings.

I think you are absolutely right when you say that it really depends on the child. We were specific about what we could and could not deal with. I have to say that that was the most difficult part of our home study. We felt enormous guilt, but we said that we said that we wanted a child who was as young as possible, without any major health/learning issues. Who's to say what the future may bring though?

Hope that my ramblings are of some help :)

[booksshoescats]

Huge help, thanks so much Happiest. You do indeed get exactly where I am coming from, and, like you, I think we will have to be completely realistic about the kind of child we are able to take on - it's very useful to hear your experience of laying out clearly what your position was on that during home study, so thanks for that, too. I can imagine that it is very guilt-inducing - not looking forward to that bit myself, and questioning my motives very deeply.

At the end of the day, it is still about me, DH, our BD and the kind of family unit we want. So it is not in any way selfless, even though to me (and I speak only for myself, this is not a judgement on others) it doesn't feel right to bring another child into the world when there are children without capable parents. Despite that, I would still be rejecting those children most in need of a family.

Lovely to hear you are having a happy and settled life with your DD so far, too (and congratulations on your anniversary . x

[mrsballack]

I'm intending to take adoption leave and then return full time to work. The fact is that we cannot afford for one us to give up work. We are lucky enough(ha!) to work shifts and hubby likes to get up early whereas I am an evening/night person. This will mean that one of us will be at home for almost all of the day. If there is an overlap in shifts (which there may be as I have to allow 90 mins to get to work) we are intending to either hire a childminder or ask SIL. We're hoping that the sw will be ok with this as we have literally no other plan. I'm already dreading how tired I'm going to and we're nowhere near that stage yet.

[Kewcumber]

The thing is that even with a child who appears to be within your acceptable level of neediness (can't think of another way to put it!) may not necessarily react to things in the same way a birth child would.

DS is a good example.

He was with me from 1yr, wasn't abused or neglected but was institutionalised at birth. He was fine with me going back to work part-time after 6 months (2 days a week then 3 days a week then 4 days a week). He was alwasy clingy with me but appeared to deal with the very lovely childminder and my mum for the 4 days just fine.

Then when he was 4, I became unexpectly became ill (visit to A&E turned into a weeks hospitalization with no preparation for him up front). What had always been a moderate separation anxiety turned into a severe one and although I recovered, he regressed emotionally quite significantly - it became obvious that even a year later he was going to struggle with starting school with me working. Starting nursery had been difficult enough for him prior to this episode and I eventually decided to give up work and live off my savings for a while until he was sufficiently stable for me to go back.

What I expected to be 6 months turned into 2 years. Though to be fair probably at least 6 months of that more recently has been lack of opportunity rather than his issues.

His separation anxiety has improved dramatically and I don't regret it for a minute but my career (previously finance director) and my financial position has suffered dramatically (now self employed).

Of course we all have to make decisions when our children face problems and you could argue that any child birth or adopted can have issues that crop up at some point. But it is undoubtedly true that its far more likely that adopted children with struggle to deal with change (for example) than birth children.

If I'm honest I also wonder if I had taken more time and scaled my career back earlier on if it would have improved his separation anxiety more. I wish I hadn't paid so much attention to non-adopters assuring me that his separation anxieties were totally normal and listened to my own instincts that he was very anxious indeed when I left him. In fact I'm sure that his seeming to cope with it was in fact just a sign that he had learnt that people always left and there was nothing he could do about it. I feel a little ashamed of myself being so pleased with him taking to childcare so easily now - though I did get it right (I hope) in the end!

I'm not sure that's really helpful to you though!

[booksshoescats]

It is really helpful, thank you Kew. I have read a lot of your posts through the years, but hadn't ever grasped these particular ins and outs of your experience - I am really grateful for the detail you've shared. I am someone who processes information and reframes things very speedily, so now that adoption is something that is growing increasingly likely for us I have been examining my feelings about work/career and whether or not my attachment to it is healthy anyway! I had an experience about 18 months ago that made me realise I was on shaky ground with regard to my over-attachment to my work and workplace, so it will be no bad thing for me if I have to scale back somewhat.

I have been reading a lot about therapeutic parenting and thinking very carefully about what a (even apparently relatively well-adjusted and young) adopted child might need, so any experience that someone like you is prepared to share is very gratefully received.

And thanks to mrsballack too for your dose of realism re your situation.

DH and I are about to join Adoption UK so hopefully if and when the time comes to take things further we will be prepared for the changes we will have to make.

[KristinaM]

OP, what about your Dh becoming a SAHD? Would that work for you?

I wouldn't assume that being attached to your career is a bad thing in itself.

[Kewcumber]

agree with Kristina - I though that and meant to say it but my post was already way toooo long!

[booksshoescats]

Thanks, both. Funnily enough, I put the very thing to him last night - he is probably a more natural SAH parent than me. Economically (and I think for our own sanity) we couldn't really afford for either of us to give up work completely but I could see a compromise of both of us being part-time or one of us freelance and part-time.

Do you think a lot of adopted children would struggle with the changeover of primary carer from day to day if we were switching between us? Bearing in mind that DH, if he is still in his current job, works slightly odd hours and will be around at home (one day not working and one day working a few hours) two days a week anyway, so our (potential) adoptee would be used to his being at home during the week while I was on adoption leave. With our BD we make such a good tag team (and she gets the benefit of an equal measure of both of us), but I just wonder if that would be unsettling for a child who will likely have attachment issues.

We are in different sectors of the same industry, but in my area it is currently much easier to get freelance work (and would be very easy for me) but in his freelance work has all but dried up. I would greatly miss an office environment, but I know that I am going to have to let go of some of my old life if this is what we decide to do, so am trying to prepare myself for that as much as possible. I think at the end of the day I am fundamentally quite a selfish person who is exploring the possibility of doing something that requires a level of selflessness that I'm not yet sure I possess. Although I do think that wanting a child by whatever means is both one of the most selfish and most selfless impulses a person can have, so I guess we all have mixed motives in that respect.

Thanks for responding to my thinking-out-loud ramblings. Just trying to get as much straight in my head as I possibly can.

[Kewcumber]

I don't think DS would have had a problem with two primary carers if they were consistent. I also think you don't need to give up working in an office (I agree it can be a sanity saver as I've just started working for myself at home!) - can you do some time in an office and some from home? With him the same.

[Kewcumber]

Adopting DS was the most selfish thing I've ever done in my life. The fact that I would now cheerfully murder anyone who hurt him and am (even worse) spending a week of my Easter freezing my assets off in a caravan for him, doesn't negate the selfishness of my original motivation!

[booksshoescats]

at 'freezing assets off'. Now that IS selfless!

I almost definitely could work some time from home and some from the office, yes. I have expended a great deal of time and energy making myself as rooted in the company and as indispensable as possible since having BD, and I know I have engendered a fair amount of goodwill as a result, so I am in quite a strong position. One can never say for sure how such a thing will pan out, but I have high hopes that I would be able to continue here even if in a necessarily slightly downgraded capacity on a fairly flexible basis. As for DH, he wouldn't have any flexibility in his current position for good reasons, but one day a week is fully his own and one partially, so there's already a little built-in flexibility there.

There are so many variables and unknowns with adoption. I know I can't control the whole process, but I suppose my general attitude to life is that anything is possible. I am at once a control freak and someone who likes not knowing what's around the corner. Not sure what that's all about, though!

Thanks again for your really helpful insights - I will definitely be sticking around these boards and no doubt popping up with many more questions and ramblings over the next few months.

[snail1973]

I felt similarly before we adopted DC1, and in fact I was also the main breadwinner. And we managed to agree with SW that DH and I would both be off work for 1st 6 months and that at the end of that time I would go back to work 4 days a week and DH stayed at home.

SW felt it was very important that the 'mum' be at home for bonding but were OK with my DH taking over after 6 months.

Andd I would add that SW was one of the 'very thorough' variety when it came to home study, so if she agreed to it then I am sure others would.

As I happens, having a family has really changed my outlook, and when 2 years ago we adopted DC2 I stopped work completely. I have recently gone back to work (after 2 years at home). I was 100% ready to go back, but reallly loved having the 2 years at home. So, just keep your options open is my advise, and be ready to swtich things around to suit your family. Afterall happy parents = happy kids

GOod luck :)

[booksshoescats]

Thanks, snail - that's really useful to know - both that the SW approved your plans and that your own outlook changed. I am beginning to imagine that possibility (that work might become less important). After 15 years + of work taking such priority in my life and my mind, I've begun to surprise myself by beginning to foresee that a time may come when that's not the case. Or at least where it takes a backseat for a few years.

[Hayleyh34]

Hi, I adopted a DD two years ago when she was 3. I took a years adoption leave and the. When she started school I went back to work full time because I had no choice.

It was a huge adjustment for us all but we've coped well. We have an excellent childminder that our DD loves and we are in a good routine, which I think is key.

A strong routine will help a child most, you just have to find something that is realistic and works for you all

[morethanpotatoprints]

Hello OP

I will try not to be one sided here as I am a long term (20+years) sahm, but am also adopted from a few months old.
Even knowing nothing else apart from my parents it was important for me to have somebody there after school. I always felt different to my peers even though being adopted was more commonplace than having divorced parents when I grew up. How weird is that?
What I'm saying is all dc are different and for some reason I don't know of, I always find rejection difficult. This can be time rejection too, I am even like it now with my dh and dc, I know it sounds stupid.
I think you should go with the flow, obviously your career is important and like another poster said, part of who you are.
I think it would be naive to think you could definitely keep the same life as you had pre dc, but you seem aware of this.
Personally, I think being able to support dc out of school is important things like taking them to activities (not the school ones), helping with homework, going places, doing things together. Also goes without saying being able to go to school events imo is a must.
My parents did these things for me, and now I do them for my dc. They both worked, but mum did p/t to fit in with us. I looked up to my mum as a good role model as she kept up her charity work, singing and had a book of poetry published, whilst raising 3 adopted girls.
A good balance is important and I think as an adopted parent these days you need this as well you know the poor kids are quite often damaged, hurt and neglected.
Good luck and I hope you or others don't think I'm speaking out of turn

[welcometomysillylife]

Sorry to sound dramatic but going back to work full-time after adopting my DC turned out to be a disaster for me and contributed to the break up of my family. I love my job but you really cannot maintain your career and give your child/children what they need from you. Adopting a child is not the same as having birth children. This is fundamental to how you view adoption. You must be realistic.

[Hayleyh34]

Sorry it didn't work for you welcome but I disagree. It CAN be ok to work full time and have an adopted child. I have been doing it for quite a while. It depends on the needs of your child. My child knows her routine and is completely comfortable with it

[happyfreeconfused]

My social workers also reluctantly agreed that my exh could be SAHD after I returned to work after my adoption leave. It was not what I wanted at heart but made sense inasmuch as I was earning a good salary. It turned out to be the worst thing we ever did. I did manage to work fulltime for a number of years but it was a struggle and in the end everything imploded very suddenly and I can no longer work anyway. If we had set everything up in a more traditional way (him 9-5, me at home) things might have worked out differently.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Shouldn't your children come first though, be that birth or adopted.
I wouldn't do anything that would mean me not being able to do this.

As long as this is your philosophy what does it matter if you work or not. As long as the child's needs are being met, that is the most important thing.
I am glad my parents both worked and had interests. I am also glad they attended school events, took me to groups during the evening and dancing classes at weekend. I am glad they had all their spare time to spend with me and my adopted parents.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Not adopted parents (duh) adopted sisters

[happyfreeconfused]

The bottom line is where is your child/children while you are working all hours? Who is looking after them? That is what I used to think when I was leaving for work early in the morning and returning home in the evening.

They might be at breakfast club (my youngest hated it,) with a childminder (who couldn't cope with my dc's needs), in a private nursery (mine was picked up from home in a car early in the morning,) with grandparents/auntie/latest babysitter, after-school club, and dp of course.

Maybe yours will be a better SAHD than mine (refused to take dc to toddler groups, swimming classes, barely took them anywhere, let them survive on snacks, let them sleep in the day then they wouldn't sleep at night.) I resented him, he resented me.

Maybe this arrangement could work for some, but not in my family. I would say be very careful. And if you want to stay at home, make sure you do so. No compromises.

[Hayleyh34]

Happy, my DD goes to a childminder for 2 hours every day after school and it really has been no big deal. If anything, it has taught our DD, that not every adult in her life is a prospective parent. She understands the situation and is fine with it. I would hate anyone to be put off adoption because they think that you have to give ip work.

[happyfreeconfused]

Ok then, let's say be prepared because you will have to be flexible about your work arrangements depending on the needs of your child. The only other two women I know who have adopted have also been unable to work (they have partners, I am now a lone parent. )