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Adopting in Devon?(4 Posts)
Hello everyone. I have never posted here before but I would live some input/wise words.
I have two DSs, 5 and 2.6. I have been so fortunate to have them and i know how blessed i am but unfortunately I can't have any more due to complications in both pregs. I love children and always imagined having at least four, and I just don't feel finished!
I want to adopt, but my husband is less keen. He is a lovely giving man, and if I could allay his fears he would be 100% up for it. Can I lay out his fears to you and ask you to comment?
1. He is worried about attachment- that the new child will not have the security the boys have had as he/she will not have had the first 6 months with us.
2. He is concerned that if the child had had a hard time then this may cause problems for her/him as he/she grows older meaning all our focus will be on them and the other two.
3. He really worries about teenage rebellion.
Would you mind sharing your thoughts?
Hi and welcome
I have 3 adopted children (one now an adult, one an older teen, the other aged 8). If you did decide to go ahead, I'm afraid I know nothing about Devon at all.
I think your husbands concerns are very valid. I think you would be looking to adopt a young child? You would be very lucky to adopt a 6 month old child and in all likelihood would be approved for ages 0-2 and are looking at 10 months - 2 years old, as it takes many months for a child to be made available for adoption after entering care, as their birth parents are given some time to try and sort their lives out and get their children back. Relinquished babies are very rare.
1. Attachment and security - Your DH's thoughts are the reality for the majority of adopted children. Often they do have some attachment concerns and they do not have the security that birth children do. The first few years of very important and experiencing months of neglect, abuse, or a chaotic environment, then being moved to foster care, then being moved again to adoption, often results in insecurity. My 8 yo DS was 23 months when he moved to me. He has some mild attachment issues and some feelings of insecurity. He has had abormally intense seperation anxiety, and very real fears that I will abandon him (eg. he was scared to go to school because he thought I might not come pick him up at the end of the day. His fears had a negative affect on his schoolwork and his behaviour in school). He also is scared of argueing with me and would (this has got better over the years) get disproportionately upset if he got caught being even a tiny bit naugty...wailing and crying over something really minor...again because deep down he had a fear that I might dump him if he misbehaved. His insecurities require working with and different parenting techniques, time, attention and nurturing.
He is a joy to parent, just my parenting involved thinking about more than just 'normal' childhood concerns and working round some extra issues
2. Again, something to think about and a VERY common worry for parents with BC. Whilst many adoptive children have some issues, this is not however necessarily going to impact negatively on your BC. For instance, my DS would have been fine in a household with one or two older (birth) children as long as it was not too loud and chaotic. His needs require extra attention and time, but would not seriously take away from other children or cause a problem in this respect.
Some adoptive children do have needs that would take away from other children. This is important to consider and for families with BC, this affects which children they can take in. Be careful when matching to read ALL the information about the child carefully and consider how their needs will impact in your DC.
3. This is the hard one. Some adopted children have a very hard time as teenagers...but some don't and are fine. It's just impossible to know when you adopt a little child, what will happen in the future, same as when you give birth to a little one. You have to take the leap of faith when you adopt and by the time teenagerhood comes around you will love your AC unconditionally and face it with them if they do have a hard time, just the same as you would with your BC. I have no idea what will happen with my DS even now. My middle DC now 17 does have a lot of struggles and problems. But she has me to face them with her, rather than care home workers. That's priceless for her IMHO.
Maybe your husband would benefit (if he was interested) in talking to some adoptive father? I think there are one or two on MumsNet, and a couple on AdoptionUK, Fertility Friends etc, and even more valuable, do you know any adoptive families in real life to talk to? The best way to get information and think about everything is to talk to other families
I can not add anything to what the wonderful Lilka has said. Some very good points there.
If you are really interested in pursuing adoption you can phone your local council social services and ask if the have an adoption department. It cost nothing to ask for advice from a social worker, in my opinion, they are happy to talk to people who are unsure. Also many adoption departments run introduction evenings, which you can go along to with no obligation to continue. I have spoken at these meetings before nd they are very informative.
Best wishes with wht you decide to do.
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