Home study process

(13 Posts)
KristinaM Sat 02-Mar-13 20:56:32

Violence, bullying, abuse, abandonment and loss are all issues that your adopted child may have lived through. So the fact that you have been through these too AND HAVE DEALT WITH THEM can only be a positive. But you must show that you have tried to come to terms with these , otherwise the stong feelings will come up again when you adopt and may overwhelm you. It's not fair to use an adopted child as therapy, to help you work through your issues.you need to do that now.

Despite what other posters might have said here, your assessment is NOT therapy. It's a job interview.

If you've not had counselling about your childhood I strongly reccomend that you start now. It needed not be a big deal, your might only need a few sessions with an experinced counsellor .

Good luck

Moomoomie Sat 02-Mar-13 11:40:45

Open and honest is the best policy. Remember it is difficult to sustain a lie for a long period of time.
The SW will know you have had a life before adoption with all the ups and downs that come with it.
My father who I loved dearly died whilst we were going through the assessment with our first two daughters. We had a month off from seeing the SW but soon got back to it, because that is what my father would have wanted.
The SW want to see how you have dealt with difficulties in the past and how you have overcome them.

Broodymomma Sat 02-Mar-13 08:39:44

Thanks you so much itaniangreyhound. I started to look at it from that angle myself and have decided to go with the golden rule of open and honest as to how it made me feel and how I dealt with it. I think it could be a positive thing perhaps. Ok back to cleaning behind the fridge!!

Broodymomma I am sure you will get through it. I am only at the home study stage myself so I can't really say, maybe some experienced adopter will be along in a minute to correct me/tell us more (hope).

Personally I expect your experience and how you have dealt with it would be useful in this whole process, even though very tragic for you. I guess by that I mean that maybe children who are looked after might well have had some of these painful expereiences and you having gone through them and come out the other side would make you empathetic etc. Empathy is such an important thing (I feel) for children. I am sure you will do well through this home study.

Broodymomma Fri 01-Mar-13 18:56:42

Thanks for the advice everyone. He wasn't really my dad, well he was sperm wise but that's it. He was a violent bully and I always said I would be happy when he died but feelings came out in me I never expected - when I say it's raw he actually died 2 years ago but still feels raw to talk about. It's just the black cloud I am dreading discussing I find it embarrassing. Just have to get through it the last thing I want is to be postponed!!

Hi Broodymomma I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. It must be very hard.

I do find it is easier to talk about things a lot, and I find the more I talk about them the easier it gets. So I do think it is worth talking things through with DH or a close friend. It gives you a chance to explore the emotions and weigh them up etc. So that you can do it in the privacy of a 'friendly' conversation rather than talking in front of your social worker about very raw issues.

I am pretty sure that as about a third of marriages end in divorce, so that may mean that many potential adopter come from families where parents seperated or divorced, so I am sure you are not in an unusual category in that respect! Your father's death does mean that those issues might be coming to the surface again, even if you dealt with them in the past. So I think dealing with those emotions and processing them in a safe way is all part of the journey. Maybe part of meeting with the social worker will be about showing how you dealt with them in the past and how you are dealing with the grief now. I am not saying that lightly because I am sure they are quite complex emotions. I expect that children who are looked after would also have very complex emptions around birth parents so showing how have dealt with this could be a positive thing.

I remember crying with a lady who had adopted when i spoke about my past infertility, and feeling embarressed and she said it was normal to feel sad about that type of stuff. I guess it is how you move on and wish you all the best as you work you way through this.

Domjolly Thu 28-Feb-13 23:00:27

Also i would have a chat with your oh in advance what you are not going to mention or things you might want to play down

Domjolly Thu 28-Feb-13 22:58:11

Hi broody you might want to "practice" talking about the death because they will home in on this and most likey talk about this the most

If is still raw it may hold yu back its not about having a dogdy childhood its about weather your over it if things are still raw they may defer you for 6 mounths to a year

So practice talking about the issue woth crying , lip quivering ect

Broodymomma Thu 28-Feb-13 21:28:56

Lol I have heard that therapy comparison a few times. Thanks for sharing. I am a little worried as I didn't have the best of childhoods parental wise with my father leaving and worried about explaining it all as he died a little while back and it still feels raw. Worried how I will
Come across with it all

Happiestinwellybobs Thu 28-Feb-13 20:57:41

Ours took 7 weeks - including 1 week for the health &safety checks. Of the other 6 visits, 4 were joint discussions, covering journey to adoption, what child we envisaged adopting, our dog etc. 2 weeks were individual chats - discussing family history, childhood, expectations, concerns and drawing up our family tree and support network diagrams.

Our SW came in an evening once a week. We finished home study in July and went to panel early September. It was a really positive process - a bit like free therapy sometimes!!

Broodymomma Thu 28-Feb-13 19:22:09

Thanks for responding, it's good to hear they are flexible. Hope your hs goes well

Domjolly Thu 28-Feb-13 12:19:00

We were qiven a questioaire in advance for each of us to fill out with along with some other bits

We are also having 4 long vists instead of 8-12 short Visits which suit us much better i find when your on a roll the sw sunddley dosent jump up and until next week also it would of been near impossible for oh to book one day off for -12 weeks bevause of his job

Broodymomma Thu 28-Feb-13 10:05:16

Anyone kind enough to tell me about their home study process? In particular...

What was covered?
How long did it take?
If you have bc how involved were they?
Anything come up you were not expecting?
How long did you wait for panel after hs?

Thanks in advance

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