Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.
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Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy(11 Posts)
Yes, very hard not to get ahead of yourself. Me too.
I was really glad to see this thread - I was just randomly thinking about these things myself the other day. Not sure, really, as we have no kids and are only just starting out. But I find myself sort of mentally running through 'preparations' that we need/will want to make. I think it probably does make sense to consider each child individually. Mostly, though, I hope we can have a bit of 'magic' in our house when we are lucky enough to bring a child home! Hard not to get ahead of myself, lol.
Supermim, I still have a stocking each year...
I agree the "right" approach will vary with each child - and, for that matter, the wider family (children with older siblings find out sooner, for example)
Oh we stlll have to do a stocking, and leave the presents out for her as if Santa had left them LOL a bit of a paradox eh?
That's different from us Super - mine still regret ever finding out, and insist on me pretending that FC is still real and sneaking socks into their rooms on Christmas Eve.
That's a great post Lilka - we did the whole shebang, but managed to avoid direct questions and lies in the same way for ds1 and dd as for ds2. For us, because they were little when they came to us, we didn't have to worry quite so much about being careful to be truthful about everything - we have obviously always been scrupulously honest about anything to do with adoption.
My DD, aged 15 now, still lets us know from time to time how disgusted she is with us for having "lied" to her about FC and the TF for the first ten years of her life!
I kinda waiver in the middle ground. I don;t actually lie about FC or the TF, Ds started asking me about FC this year so he's obviously on the brink of discovery. If he asks me about it I just hedge "what do you think?" I have never pretended that the FC's we see in shops are real.
Lilka is right - I thin kit very much depends on the child.
Perfect sense lilka you are very wise, but I know you won't take a compliment!
There is so much to think about, and dd did not ask dh if it was him who put the £1 under her pillow - she greeted him with the words... look what the tooth fairy left! Yipee, a bit longer of her being young and impressionable!
Yes it was asked (I'm rewriting the post so it makes sense) - do we always tell our adopted children the truth about everything, even Santa. If we 'lie' about Santa etc can they trust us not to lie about their background, because I read one blog where that was the bloggers opinion. What do you do/think?
"I have had different approaches with my two younger children. DD1 never believed in santa or the easter bunny because they simply didn't exist for her. And by the time we found each other she was 10, so too old for tooth fairy or any other fairies. So I never had to think about any of that, I concentrated on finding some family traditions we could have instead
DD2..I have always been very honest with her, but that's not because of any belief I have in general, it's about her personally. She did actually believe in fairies when she came, but not in a good way, they scared her a bit. So when it came up I just explained gently that they didn't exist. Her FC's had been big on santa and christmas...but santa scared her as well. After all she had been through, the idea of some strange man creeping around the house at night was very frightening and upsetting To be honest, she was 8, and that's generally the point a lot of kids work it out, but being emotionally and developmentally behind, she hadn't got there yet. So I was again, reassuring her that santa didn't exist, and it was me
For DS, he has the lot! Santa, tooth fairy, easter bunnies, and aliens as well. I find it very magical setting it all up, and he delights in it. Especially leaving the mince pies out. He almost forgot this christmas! I reminded him that santa needed food after the hard work of delivering presents, and would be sad if there wasn't any food left out
I don't actually agree with the idea we have to be honest about Santa etc. Every child is different, and they will need a different approach. The only adoption issue off the top of my head I think is 'one size fits all' is tell them they are adopted as young as possible. Everything else, you've got to use your best judgement as the parent. I think the belief in magic is different from being misled about your own past and background, and I don't generally think that that will damage their trust in you. What about children who have missed quite a bit of a normal happy childhood? They need to fill in developmental gaps, and part of that I think is trying to develop their imagination and sense of 'things can be fun'. I think Santa is a good thing for many of them. On the other hand there are children who do not trust easy and may need complete honesty. Or children with attachment issues may need their parents to provide all their necessities (food e.g chocolate coins, often in stockings) and nice presents as well. Kids like DD2, who need a secure home, which they feel very safe in (as in, no strangers coming in in the middle of the night!) I think magic is a normal fun part of childhood, and I think as I said before it can be quite important for development, developing the imagination etc. Also, as an afterthought, if they were the only one in their class who knew santa wasn't real - that would be one more thing that would make them different from their friends, when they probably want to fit in
Hope that makes sense "
Actually I don't think it's ludicrous and I actually think this has come up before and I posted my vierws, I'll have a search back
Personally, I think it's all very dependent on the specific child
I think my DD is just about to find out Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy are not ... lowers voice... real! She got some money today from TF and then asked if it was real. She said she wanted the truth. Had I put it there, no, what about daddy, I said ask him!
We have not exactly lied about it but gone along with it all. But don't want to lie to a direct question.
I wonder if my response might be different for a child who had been adopted. Would it be more important to stick to the truth? I know it sounds an odd question but I am wondering if a different child might have had different experiences and the idea of a man who arrives in the night and comes in the house might be scary for some kids and so am just wondering if any experienced adopters could tell me how they felt about telling the truth in general....
scurries away as it sounds a ludicrous topic but I am just curious.
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