oh shit, hold my hand

(66 Posts)
Lilka Sat 02-Feb-13 16:40:28

Took DD2 and DS out shopping this morning which was going well

We went into a department store to search for nice shoes and DS was trying some on when DD2 freezes, then shrieks and runs off and I turn round to see her launching herself at her mum who is in the same shop

Mum very shocked to see us
Me very shocked and speechless
DS asked what was going on, saw his firstmother and got up and ran off in the other direction

I didn't know what to do, run after DS or go to DD2
I chose DS and he was upset and didn't want to see her, so I said he didn't have to and it was ok, and left him with a shop assistant to go back. I feel like a shit mum for not staying with him but I was on my own and didn't know what I needed to do

So I went back and said hello. DD overwhelming her mother with non stop chatter and hugging and kissing sad I gulped and said hi and her mum was at least not unhappy to see me and asked how I was and where was DS gone? Other shoppers are looking at us like we're lunatics and dodging us.

I haven't even got the energy to go into all the tale, just that DD and her mum spent ages with each other, while I had to call my friend to come and look after DS and take him home while I stayed with DD

And now DS is upset and feeling a bit abandonned because I chose to supervise DD instead of take him home and leave her, DD is overwhelmed and cycling through 50 emotions but positively will not stop going on about how wonderful, lovely and fantastic her mum is. Me, I don't know what the actual fuck to do sad

This was not supposed to happen like this and I feel out of control and really upset and exhusted sad fucking hell

QOD Sun 03-Feb-13 21:16:18

God, Facebook is so shite for adopted kids, you know what I mean, all that easy contact sad

Lilka Sun 03-Feb-13 22:03:54

Yes they are chatting on FB. DD sent her mum a friends request and she accepted

Her account is set up with my email and I know her password and I check up on what she's been doing that way. But since the computer is in the sitting room I saw her doing it anyway. I have my own laptop as well but she can't get onto it

DS is not happy with DD

I have told DD that DS is not going to be involved in this and that's final and he doesn't want to hear about it. Although I didn't say it quite as bluntly as that. I have also been trying to tell her that I do support her wanting to talk to her mum but maybe we could organise more meetings in advance in the future with some support...I don't know if she's even listening right now though

It seems doubly crazy because she hasn't tried to 'friend' her mum before this. I mean, she would probably have found her since she found her earlier today but she hasn't put much efffort in. I'm sure her mum had already found her but mum has always been respectful and not tried to make the first move. I guess her being supportive of the adoption might actually make a difference. It would be really hard if she was in denial land and telling DD she had been stolen yada yada so i guess I should be thankful for that

But I'm still stuck in jealousy land sad Which is kind of odd because they have met a few years ago and write to each other in letterbox but this feels different? Maybe because DD is older and suddenly I feel like she really could up and leave me sad

QOD Sun 03-Feb-13 22:35:55

I'm not surprised, I don't suppose you can open a conversation up yourself with the woman? And just explain how vulnerable your dd is? Would she care though? Ack. Tough one.

Devora Sun 03-Feb-13 22:59:54

Oh Lilka, I'm so sorry. I completely understand how you must be feeling sad. My dd is only 3, but I am already gripped by a secret fear of what will happen in her teens when she may reach out to her birth parents, or her siblings (who are very, very troubled young people). Jealousy yes, but also real fear about my ability to protect her.

Facebook is a nightmare. But thank goodness you have access to it.

Keep calm. This will probably get played out over the longer term, and you have everything to gain by being the one who stays calm and consistent throughout.

Sadly, no advice, just thinking of you.

goshua Sun 03-Feb-13 23:35:35

Hi Lilka, Been in situation ourselfs,also have children with FAS FAE so do understand your situation, suggest seek professional help perhaps After Adoption. Meenwhile be her best friend as well as daughter, see if she can engage in other outside interest social groups etc. also you need too speek too the social and contact worker's regards too Safe Guarding Issues, with the ongoing health problems , yes she is vunrable and impressionable , there are new law's extending beyond the age of 16 and Facebook. And you do need too know Births mum's history and presant situation.
Good luck sure things will work out.

KristinaM Mon 04-Feb-13 18:32:09

Lilka, I m so sorry , this is such a hard situation for you. Totally normal for you to be jealous /worried sick.you are always so respectful of the kids first mother, no one coudl have done more in thsi regard.

Ad I'm guessing its hard for DD to see that it's not all about her, or to ask her to consider her brothers feelings. Few 16yo are able to do this, let alone a girl with her past /issues. Have you got soem RL support for YOU?

Is DD able to respect her brothers confidentiality and not tell FM anything abiut him?

You didn't mention DD1 so I'm assuming she has a different FM?

Lilka Mon 04-Feb-13 20:02:15

Yes Kristina, DD1 isn't biologically related to DD2 and DS

I'm not sure that DD2 will respect his confidentiality, she's too impulsive and doesn't think things through, so if she wants to share something she'll just do it

Thanks everyone

Phoned PASW today and we talked a lot. DD2 is still excited and wants to meet again, but her mum isn't on FB tonight so she hasn't been able to message her. Mum hasn't given DD her mobile number. PASW said someone will contact mum and talk to her about this. I said I'd also like to speak with her if we were to go ahead with more planned meetings etc

Thinking of you Lilka. I am sure you are handling it well. Try and be kind to yourself. A difficult time but I am sure you can cope and DD will be able to think more clearly once the excitement wears off. You are a great mum.

gallivantsaregood Thu 07-Feb-13 12:22:06

What a difficult situation. Afraid I can't add anything to what has already been said. I do think you handled the initial situation well. I am glad you have spoken to PASW and she is stepping up to help. Xx

Lilka Thu 07-Feb-13 20:11:08

Well we are all surviving, I am muddling along and making it up as I go (that's been my strategy for the last 16 years and it hasn't completely failed me yet!)

DS is still anxious, I am being reassuring and obviously it's still early days, I hope he will feel more secure as the months go by. He has his 8th birthday coming up in the next few weeks and I hope the excitement will be distracting for him (my little man is growing up some <sniff>!)

DD2 is still feeling the buzz of gushy feelings and excitement etc. She is checking up on mum's facebook A LOT and is disappointed when mum doesn't appear online to chat. Mum is more reserved than DD, I guess she is feeling tougher emotions right now than DD is. She hasn't showed up to chat every day and she's always the one who ends their conversations (kindly). However she always only ever says loving things to DD when they 'speak'

I guess no one has got round to seeing mum yet, I've a mind to try contacting her myself but I'll leave that for now and wait a while

And me, I'm keeping fully calming around DD and DS and taking long walks in the day which is very helpful. Nothing like mindless excercise and a bit of nature to help to wind down a bit

DD1 has also beeen helpful in her way. She doesn't really understand DD2's desire to do this. DD1 does have contact with her siblings which is great and she needs that, but has no desire whatsoever to ever speak to her bios again, as her past is absolutely awful. Anyway, she always makes me feel better by just talking and validating my emotions a bit "Well you've got every right to feel jealous, I would", "I'm here if you need anything", "You've been there for DD for years, so don't you ever feel like you're not her mum, cause you're more her mum than x will ever be etc etc". She's so lovely smile (she's doing well btw, pregnancy all normal, bit of morning sickness but otherwise fine)

KristinaM Thu 07-Feb-13 20:21:22

Glad you are coping. DD1 sounds wonderful, bless her. Glad she is keeping well. Sorry have to dash to collect child. Mum taxi company

Lilka, you sound like such a strong woman. You're admirable in how you're coping with this.

You must be so proud of your dd1 and it's great to hear her pregnancy is going well. She sounds like a very empathetic person.

Stay strong.

Lilka Sat 23-Feb-13 18:19:17

Hello again,

Saga continues. I am really worn down by it all

I was thinking today (when I asked DD what she wants for her birthday whic his less than a month away) that last year for her birthday (well after it because SS were late) I was picking a card from mum off the doormat and showing it to DD after school

And in Autumn I wrote my last letter with photos to mum

It's all so bloody redundant now

DS refusing to have anything to do with it. Does not want her to know anything about him. She sends a birthday card for him every year, which is in a memory box. Up till now he has been ok with letterbox, but I guess actually seeing her and her becoming a real person to him has changed things. I decided heavily to send his card back and tell SS to put it on file. He turned 8 a couple of weeks ago

Seeing as this started a few days before his birthday it overshadowed it slightly sad sad

DD still doing facebook contact with mum. Not much has changed in the last couple of weeks. DD is still in her obsessed with mum phase (well I hope it's a phase and things will settle). I keep feeling jealous and redudant, but I'm trying (emhpasis on trying) to focus on what I am doing for DD. She's still here, I'm still her mum, and hope this is how things will stay <fingers crossed but trembling a bit>

Devora Sat 23-Feb-13 19:22:59

Lilia, I really feel for you. Any talk of them meeting up?

KristinaM Sat 23-Feb-13 19:23:32

I'm sorry, this is so painful for you.i wish I had soem good advice . < sends unmumsnetty hug>

Friends DD did this. DD was 15 and rebellious, birth mum about 30 and slightly more immature than the girl. Invited friends DD to go out clubbing with her, stay at her bedsit etc . Parenst put their foot down . Dd went anyway. BM was cool and fun and never nagged about school /homework/not going to clubs at 15. Dd stopped attending school and got excluded.

After a few montsh BM got a bit bored, started asking Girl for money. Suspect Bm had addiction issues. Novelty wore off on both sides.

it turned out ok in the end.i don't know all the details but DD now happily married ( to normal stable employed man!!!! ) with kids . Unsure if she has any contcat with her BM as her parenst never mention it and obv I don't ask. But it was a few hard time for them

I don't know what to say except hang on in there. Hope you have RL support. So much harder when you are on your own.

I think you are doing a good job.

Try and stay strong. Be very kind to yourself.

You tried so hard and did the right thing for so long, that really will count in the long run, I am sure this is a phase.

Thinking of you and your lovely DD. So sorry you are jealous but it is totally normal for you to feel that way. Thinking of your DS too, although he is unhappy, I am sure he will get through it all.

Again, no advice from me but I just wanted to lend to the support you're getting here. It's a really tough time for you, I hope you have RL friends close enough to unload on. I know it's hard to have friends who truly can understand what you're going through and who you're able to divulge the personal stuff to. Is your elder dd close to dd2? Could she talk to her? Is there any support from SS in this situation?

Lilka Mon 25-Feb-13 14:21:08

PASW/SS have got themsevles involved now, I know they have contacted mum and talked to her.

DD wants to meet mum, so I am trying to push the idea of a nice neutral venue somewhere. Do something she enjoys, go out to eat lunch together? Go to her favourite pottery painting place? I don't know, anything that doesn't involve her going to mum's house. I think contact centre wouldn't work well, DD had real problem in FC with them, I think it might bring it all back?

I am telling her I support her, and that I could be there as well to support her if she wants.

PASW wants (and has talked to mum) about any meetings being supervised at first and not taking place at her house etc, and also about letters being a better idea than FaceBook, I hope mum is receptive to this, although she does still come on FB to talk to DD

I do have a few close friends/family to confide in thankfully but yes this is one of the very hard bits of being single

Domjolly Mon 25-Feb-13 15:07:12

Can i just say lady one thing i picked up on you all keep saying there mum

Ladies YOUR THERE MOTHERS the biological parents had there chance and fluffed there lines you are there MOTHERS and dont you forget of doubt it

MrsBW Italy Mon 25-Feb-13 16:46:42

Domjolly - it's really not like that at all, is it?

Lilka pottery place or lunch sounds good.

Good idea and well done for keeping your head and thinking straight. You are are wise and you will get through this.

Hang on, I really hope it will get easier.

Can you gently remind her of the fun times you have had together? 'Woo' her a bit with memories in a really gentle way?

You are right to support her, she needs you now more than ever. The simplest things can mean a lot.

MrsBW I don't know what it's like as am not an adoptive parent yet. A birth parent doesn't cease to exist when a child is adopted so how can a child relate to that person. It's a tough question and I can see Lilka is trying so hard to support her DD, which is such a great thing in itself.

MrsBW Italy Mon 25-Feb-13 21:57:13

Italangreyhound I was referring to the inference that all birth parents 'fluff their lines' and therefore don't deserve to be considered 'mothers' I think that's an unfair generalisation.... And a potentially harmful view in the long run.

Lilka I have thought of you a lot since first reading this. I am not a parent so won't proffer any advice but I think you're handling it beautifully.

Lilka Mon 25-Feb-13 22:10:05

Domjolly - Yes, I am DD's mother/mum. That's certainly how I see myself. But I don't see myself as her only mother/mum. Her other mother is also her mum. That's always how it's been, since she moved in. DD calls her mum/my or mummy X, and has done since she learned to talk.

I had a relaxing-ish afternoon and this evening I sat and read a book I love again. It's a memoir by a (truly inspirational) young woman, Ashley Rhodes-Courter, who was removed from her mother aged 3, then spent over 8 years cycling through about 14 different foster homes and children's homes in Florida before being adopted aged 11. It's an amazing book, and I found myself rereading all the passages and chapters about her birth mother and her adoption. I had a little cry, there's a poignant (to me) scene she describes when she and her adoptive mother talk about meeting up with her birth mother. She asks her adoptive mum whether she (mum) would feel awkward, and her mum sighs and says that she knows Ashley's birth mother will always be the love of her life. It really resonated a bit about DD2. She's like Ashley in many ways. Loves her mum very much, always believed she would go home to mum again when in foster care, and was reluctant to love any other woman as mum in case that's betraying first mum.

Her mum is the one who was there in her first crucial years, and the one she loved first and the one she clung to in foster care and the one she can't let go of. I do worry that she is the love of DD's life, and therefore she might abandon her home here (although Ashley didn't and eventually came to attach to her parents and see her birth mother as a person with bad points as well as good).

All I want (well I want more but primarily this) is for her to continue and always to see me and love me as her mum, as well as her other mum.

I think birth family relationships are something to consider and think through carefully if you wish to adopt an older child who spent a considerable amount of time with first parent's.

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