oh shit, hold my hand

(66 Posts)
Lilka Sat 02-Feb-13 16:40:28

Took DD2 and DS out shopping this morning which was going well

We went into a department store to search for nice shoes and DS was trying some on when DD2 freezes, then shrieks and runs off and I turn round to see her launching herself at her mum who is in the same shop

Mum very shocked to see us
Me very shocked and speechless
DS asked what was going on, saw his firstmother and got up and ran off in the other direction

I didn't know what to do, run after DS or go to DD2
I chose DS and he was upset and didn't want to see her, so I said he didn't have to and it was ok, and left him with a shop assistant to go back. I feel like a shit mum for not staying with him but I was on my own and didn't know what I needed to do

So I went back and said hello. DD overwhelming her mother with non stop chatter and hugging and kissing sad I gulped and said hi and her mum was at least not unhappy to see me and asked how I was and where was DS gone? Other shoppers are looking at us like we're lunatics and dodging us.

I haven't even got the energy to go into all the tale, just that DD and her mum spent ages with each other, while I had to call my friend to come and look after DS and take him home while I stayed with DD

And now DS is upset and feeling a bit abandonned because I chose to supervise DD instead of take him home and leave her, DD is overwhelmed and cycling through 50 emotions but positively will not stop going on about how wonderful, lovely and fantastic her mum is. Me, I don't know what the actual fuck to do sad

This was not supposed to happen like this and I feel out of control and really upset and exhusted sad fucking hell

stargirl1701 Sat 02-Feb-13 16:42:30

No advice but hand holding.

Sorry this happened. I have no insight but will hold your hand until someone more knowledgeable comes along. thanks

Moomoomie Sat 02-Feb-13 16:50:18

What an awful situation to be in. For what it is worth I think you did the right thing by staying with dd. hopefully ds will understand once he has settled down.
Did you know birth mum lived locally? The birth mother of our girls actually moved to the town we live in, which caused much consternation for me.
Have a cup of tea or glass of wine.

Lilka I am sorry you had this shock. No words of advice. I think you did the right thing. I am sure DS will calm down. I just hope it will all calm down. Really nothing to say to help but happy to listen if you want to talk.

BCBG Sat 02-Feb-13 17:06:57

No advice as no experience, but do they have a social worker you could chat to for advice or is that sort of thing a big no-no (sorry if I am putting my foot in it). DS will need a lot of support - sounds like he is old enough to be processing a lot of stuff - how old is he? You poor thing, you must be very shocked. Hope you have some good RL support but as everyone says we are here if you need us.

Lilka Sat 02-Feb-13 18:47:34

Thanks all

I feel powerless

It's been fine till now with letters, photos and videos, and a supervised
visit but like this sad

I feel like I'm going to lose her to her mum. I don't know how in DD's mind I can compete with other mum. I don't want to compete. I don't want to feel like this. Jealous and put out. She never goes on about how much she loves me to other people

Will phone our PASW for advice but can't much unless DD agrees to more organised meetings in neutral places or mum encourages her to do that

I want to drown my sorrows but kids are still up

QOD Sat 02-Feb-13 18:54:03

Sorry Lilka, I don't know the story, have they been with you long? Sounds horriblesad
I went thru a stage, when we were trying for a 2nd baby with our surrogate, of getting quite upset by DD's relationship with her birthmother getting more relaxed. Not so bad for me though as I have had dd literally since birth

Lilka Sat 02-Feb-13 19:03:07

DD has been with me since she was just turned 8 and she's 16 now. DS joined us when he was 23 months and he's nearly 8

QOD Sat 02-Feb-13 19:29:35

Oh wow harsh after 8 years sad
How is your relationship generally? I always worried my dd would throw it in my face as a teen, she never has and I'm positive never will, but OMG she's a stinker of a teen grin

QOD Sat 02-Feb-13 19:31:04

I suppose though its grown up talk time? There were obviously very good reasons why she wasn't living with her birth mother, is it time to talk about that in more detail?
Gosh,I hope someone comes along with real advice!

lisad123everybodydancenow Sat 02-Feb-13 19:37:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilka I am sure you do feel very sad and frustrated etc and worried but please stay calm, this could have happened at any stage and in some way with you being there I think you at least were with her, even though it was very hard for you.

Kewcumber Sat 02-Feb-13 20:35:18

No good advice for you Lilka. I wish I had some that would be helpful. I would feel jealous and threatened in your position. See what the pasw has to say.

Kewcumber Sat 02-Feb-13 20:37:19

Lisad - from memory I don't think it was as simple as 8 yrs with birth mother followed by 8 yrs with lilka

I don't know what to say except that's just shit. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I hope they're all in bed and that you're having a big glass of wine right now. wine

lisad123everybodydancenow Sat 02-Feb-13 21:19:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilka Sat 02-Feb-13 21:20:28

She lived with her mum for 4 years and has some very clear memories from that period of her life, then spent well over 3 years in FC before she came to me

She has learning disabilities, probable FAE and functions pretty much as a 10 year old when it comes to social situations and her interests. She has very few friends her own age and those she does have SN's as well. She can't relate well to neurotypical 16 year olds

We have talked a great deal about her past although she has struggled to process things and has always idolised her mum. I have never ever put down her mum when talking to her and so I would never tell her that her mum is bad (and I don't believe that she is a horrid person either) I just try to relate the facts

I was worried DD would go off with her mum if I left and I didnt want DD to invite herself to her mums house or something like that

I don't want DD to only have a relationship with me - I want her to have a place in her life for both of us and I want her to see me as a mum. I'm frightened that shell decide I'm not her mum any more sad

VerityPushpram Sat 02-Feb-13 21:31:24

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. But your daughter has blossomed since she's been with you, so she must have a strong bond to you.

Lilka Sat 02-Feb-13 21:36:22

Oh and also DD has PTSD and when triggered she can have awful meltdown episodes and since quite a few things from her past are triggers I was worried that something might go wrong and her mum would have no clue what to do

DS is ok but a bit fragile I spent lots of time with him this evening and we talked. He is adamant that he does not want to see her and is worried she might show up again. When mum asked where he was for the second time, I'm afraid I lied and said he had to be somewhere else because I couldn't find a nice way to say 'he ran away from you and doesn't want to see you''

Lilka I think from all you have said that DD's feelings about her birth mum are there and already formed and so this meeting has just brought it out a bit. So maybe this would be inevitable that there would be some 'frictions' like this in the future, maybe seeing her out shopping has kind of brought it forward and you will have to face it a bit sooner than you had hoped.

My understanding is very limited so I can't really help you with any wise words but I do feel your daughter will navigate these feelings and you, who knows her so well, who has been with her and stood by her and raised her for the majority of her life, will be there to help her.

Whatever she does or does not feel in any given moment, you have raised her to be the girl she is and whatever temporary feelings these meetings (planned or unplanned as in this one) raise, I think in the long term you have been and will be her rock.

Try not to allow your fears to overwhelm you, stay calm, don't 'fortune tell' too far into the future.

Get some good advice from people who know the best way to handle this.

Normally I would say trust your instincts but in this case you are sad and scared and so maybe that is not wisest!

I guess there are two issues, you and how you feel and her and how she feels. (I am assuming for the moment your ds is feeling ok now and has gotten over the meeting - if not then I guess there are three angles).

I guess I would say look after yourself, (which maybe you are doing by talking to us a bit). I think you did totally the right thing by watching out for your DD as she was the most vulnerable one is the scenario. I guess I am trying to say that no matter how she feels about you or her birth mum at any given time you know how YOU feel about her, how special she is to you and you can trust that feeling and try and work calmly through it.

My best two bits of advice would be - Stay strong - and - Ignore me if I am rambling.

Sorry Lilka cross-posted with you. It is great that DS is fine now or getting fine. I did not mean to imply your dd's feelings for her birth mum were temporary, I meant in the heat of a meeting, especially an unplanned one, it is all excitment etc and maybe in the long run real life is just not like that. You are totally wise to be concerned about meetings sparking off any of Dd's concerns or issues, which her birth mum may not be at all aware about and that is where the advice from the PASW (not sure what that is but assuming some sort of social worker) will come in useful. I expect there have been other families in this situation so there will be advice on hand of how to handle it.

Maiyakat Sun 03-Feb-13 11:28:11

How unbelievably difficult for you all - must be exhausting managing DD and DS's emotions as well as your own. Really hope that the PASW gives good advice and support tomorrow.

Lilka Sun 03-Feb-13 15:32:24

Oh yay

Facebook chat

hmm

KristinaM Sun 03-Feb-13 20:07:46

Oh no! Dd is chatting to her first mum on FB? Tell me you are DDs FB " friend" ?

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