Question about TTC and applying to adopt(30 Posts)
Hi everyone, I've been lurking round here and reading these threads for a while now and have a question you might be able to help me and hubbie with
We've been TTC for almost 7 years now with no luck. We've both had all sorts of checks and everything is fine. We've just been told that it will happen "when it happens.".....but it never does!
We don't want to do IVF as we have 2 sets of friends who have done it with no luck and I can't face the anxiety they went through. So for the past year or so we've been seriously considering adoption.
We've made contact with the LA and have had a 30 minute phone chat with one of their staff. We're off to an introduction meeting in a few weeks.
My question is, will we be considered? There's medically nothing wrong with us, we just can't seem to get pregnant. We're past feeling sad or frustrated, just resigned to the fact that we might not be able to have a child naturally. Would I have to go on to a contraceptive to "prove" that we are not trying anymore?
I wish you much luck with your plans - I really hope that the introduction meeting with the adoption agency confirms your beliefs that adoption is the way to go.
If I can just add one word of caution though. I underwent many years of infertility treatment and several unsuccessful attempts at IVF. I found the process completely heartbreaking and in some ways horrific, though kept going long after, medically and financially, it would have been 'sensible' to stop. We then stepped off the infertility treadmill and onto the adoption one. That process too was demanding and very stressful. Obviously you haven't got the physical demands on you that IVF has, but you will certainly have the emotional ones. I am sure you realise this, but I just wanted to say when I look back I realise both processes were equally as stressful. Was it worth it though? Oh yes, a million times.
I also wanted to say I found counselling after IVF and before adopting so helpful, no maybe life saving. It really allowed me to grieve for what would never be and let go of the past before moving onto the future.
In answer to your other question we WERE asked to use contraception before our children were placed with us...though we never actually did!!
EverythingsBeachy sorry to hear that, about the disability. Hope you will work out what you want to do with regard to having a family.
Reading this thread with interest, as I can have children, well had 1 mc, but we have decided not to go through pregnancy as it would be detremental to my disability and we don't want to pass on a genetic disability that can't be screened for.
Happy YES, exactly, you are so right when you say ...
'In ways, that sadness has never left me but I've come to terms with it. But the loss is always there. I love my dd with all my heart but she's not the 'fix' for my infertility. Time was.'
I met my pregnant friend today but there was only the tiniest touch of sadness as I touched her hand and congratulated her. She has her own life and I have mine. She is oodles younger than me and has several children, why shouldn't she add one more if she wishes to. he has had her own sadnesses in life and I wish her well.
I can certainly see why one would keep trying through a four year wait. I am fortunate that at this time in the UK the wait seems to be considerably less. The longest part was waiting the few months after we stopped treatment to get the ball rolling, now it is rolling I feel totally relaxed.
I know exactly what you mean Italian I knew I was on the mend when I no longer wanted to stab the women who I'd see smoking outside the materninty hospital, when I didn't have to psych myself up to meet up with people who were pregnant/ have small babies, when it stopped being a gut-wrenching pain and was just a little bit of sadness. In ways, that sadness has never left me but I've come to terms with it. But the loss is always there. I love my dd with all my heart but she's not the 'fix' for my infertility. Time was.
whatintheworld, I think that by the time we were ready to think about adoption I had figured that I wasn't going to get pregnant. But there was an overlap, a time when we were on the adoption list (very long wait in Ireland to be assessed at the time - we waited 2 years and were a further 2 years being assessed) and we were also trying to get pregnant. Counselling helped me to come to terms with letting go of the pregnancy dream but it took a long time. I couldn't tell you when it stopped hurting because it was gradual.
whatintheworld please feel free to ignore my question but have you been diagnosed with unidentifiable infertility, or whatever the correct word is?
Have you had fertility treatment and it not worked? I think from your post it looks like you are saying that the glimmer of hope that you could conceive a baby yourself means you do not currently feel able to explore adoption? If that is the case, and you do not want to adopt then that does not seem like a bad conclusion to come to. However, if you were in that position and wanted to give yourself every chance of conceiving I would personally be exploring fertility treatment still. It really may depend on lots of things like costs, how you feel about treatment etc. I know I struggled a lot to come to terms with having IVF etc and it did not work, but I had already had IUI (Less invasive) and I do have a birth child from the IUI. I also explored treatment with donor eggs and also had treatment for immunology issues, so there are actually a lot of things you can try if you wish to/feel able to/can afford to.
Having said all this if (BIG IF) you do actually want to adopt or explore it but don't feel able to give up the desire to have a baby biologically and you really feel this will not happen naturally then I wonder if counselling could help.
In 2010 my dh and I looked into adoption but I could not let it go and we ended up not going down the adoption route then and having yet more expensive treatment.
I took a long time to let go of the dream of having a baby again. I had counselling and it helped.
Now we are on the route for adoption and I have given up all thoughts of a baby, even when I see my gorgeous God daughter who is cute as a pie and very lovely.
I used to feel very jealous when friends told me they were pregnant etc. But now I have just seen on facebook someone is pregers and I dont mind! Sounds silly but I expect most people will know, and I am sure you will, exactly what I mean!
Anyway, good luck with whatever you do and if you do want to talk or ask me anything feel free to ask here or to PM me.
no intention to perpetuate myths or upset those with health or genetic reasons for avoiding pregnancy or childbirth. More anguish that with "unexplained infertility" you would be expected to go back on the pill and voluntarily close the door on pregnancy in order to adopt. The logical part of my brain has realised pregnancy is extremely unlikely but I still can't stop myself symptom spotting every month. Having spent years preventing pregnancy to please other people only to find i had left it too late I don't think I can ever voluntarily close the door on the sliver of hope that persists. Net result: no motherhood.
how can you ever give up hope of getting pregnant?!
An odd question and one that simply serves to perpetuate the myth that all women have a secret, longing yearning to have a child and if you don't, there must be something wrong.
The reason my husband and I didn't go down the IVF route is because my mother also became very ill after I was born and I am at a higher risk of suffering the same illness if I have children. I'm not infertile. I have decided the risk of having my own children is too high.
For me it has therefore not been a case of 'giving up hope' of getting pregnant. I have simply had to come to terms with it not even being an option.
Happyasapiginshite totally agree with you. After being pocked and prodded and all that for a long time, the constant hope and hopes being dashed I was happy to finally stop. Having a birth child maybe made it easier for me and maybe if I had not I might have felt I wanted to carry on, or I might have actually given up sooner! Who knows. Now I am just fixed on wanting to adopt, I would not want anything to jepodise that.
whatintheworld if you get to that point, or close to it, where you want to stop ttc t is actually a bit of a relief, well it was for me.
Jessie1981 Hope this is helping you. If you are not yet at the point where you want to stop ttc you could see what less invasive procedures are available to you.
All best wishes.
whatintheworld - I could get pregnant, I just couldn't carry to term. Being pregnant is not always a good thing, and at the point where we realised this, we decided to stop trying for another birth child.
It was such a relief to give up on getting pregnant. I positively danced through my last (5th) IVF in the knowledge that I'd never have to do it again. The constant hope and disappointment was a killer. It was hard to come to terms with it initially but then the relief was immense. You'll know when you've just had enough, when you just don't have it in you to keep hoping.
"how can you ever give up hope of getting pregnant?!"
I assume you haven't been in the position of of giving up TTC because of course many people do.
When you stop trying for a child biologically varies by person, how long you've been trying and how invasive the procedure is.
Its not really giving up hope - it shifting your hopes towards a different outcome - you still have hope!
Whatintheworld - I not only gave up hope but actually got to the point of never ever wanting to get pregnant. That's was when I knew the time had come to consider adoption.
I had had enough of TTC , of the endless doctors appointments, tests, operations and then finally the pregnancy that ended in miscarriage.
I had the coil fitted during the adoption process as our social worker advised it would be sensible. I still have one fitted now as with two adopted children my family is complete and I absolutely would not want to get pregnant.
OP - Your journey to adoption will be covered in great detail during your first meetings with social workers. They will only recommend that you go ahead with adopting if they are satisfied that you have accepted and come to terms with your fertility problems and grieved for the children you have been unable to conceive or carry.
how can you ever give up hope of getting pregnant?!
Same as the others. We have a birth child but second child didn't happen, so we pursued the adoption route rather than IVF etc (should add we had always talked about adoption instead of / as well as having birth children!). We had to be clear that we had come to terms with not having another birth child, and that we weren't TTC during the adoption process, but this was handled sensitively during our home study.
I think once you've decided to go down the adoption route, you need to go into it whole heartedly rather than keep it as a reserve option while you TTC.
Can only agree with what others have said.
The LA's and VA's we have spoken to insisted on a year between stopping TTC and starting the adoption process.
My husband is infertile (as in, there isn't a 0.001% chance he can conceive - it has been confirmed as 0.000%). I was still asked if we used contraception at our initial visit, and was viewed as an object of curiosity almost that we had decided not to try IVF... I was quizzed heavily and asked if I'd had counseling.
I was told it wouldn't be a barrier though - they will just want to be sure as they can be that you won't be still trying to get pregnant.
Lots of luck.
We were in a similar position, in that we had not had our infertility investigated/treated and did not wish to pursue fertility treatment. The slight difference was that I had known for a long time that I might have issues so was very much to terms with it when we didn't concieve. You don't need to start using contraception now, we were advised to by our SW once our homestudy was moving along a bit, I wouldn't have thought you'd be looking at approval in much under 12 months, depends how long you have to wait to be assigned a prep course and then a SW for your homestudy.
We were all ready for one or two toddlers, but were matched with a 10 month old baby. I don't think many go for adoption younger than that, but we do feel that we had the experience of having a baby. You'll have lots of time to think about all that before you apply to be approved and your SW will work through your matching criteria with you.
Like Jean says, a pregnancy to close to adoption would be too much to cope with at once.
We have never regretted our choice to adopt rather than have treatment. Good luck
In my area of England I believe you would be expected to use contraception whilst adopting. Obviously once the new child has thoroughly settled into the family this could be stopped.
What they don't want is you bringing home a child then within a few months finding out you're pregnant - too much change all at once. And as there is a theoretical possibility that could happen (as neither of you is sterile, for example), you would be expected to use contraception to prevent it.
You will be considered for adoption I'm sure, but you must not hope to adopt a baby, as there are very few babies for adoption now. Having said that many children under 2 are still adopted, but you might be asked to consider an older child as that is where the greatest need is - you will have a longer wait for a child under 2.
hoong should be hoping! Apologies.
just saying this is WHY (not what) the social workers want you to have finished with trying to conceive).
I had 6 and a half years of fertility treatment to have another birth child and was fortunate to get some counselling (all the way through) so I could move on from that. I do definitely recommend a good counseller who can help you deal with the specific issues of not being able to have a baby/another baby myself.
It is very helpful to explore this and make sure you are ready to leave that dream behind and embrace another quite different dream. It sounds like you don't want to do IVF but that might mean you have been offered it, I second what Kristina says there is IUI (I had that and got pregnant on it) and Clomid (I had that and did not get pregnant on it). Please feel free to PM me or ask here if you want to ask anything. There is nothing wrong at all in not wanting to go down the IVF route if that is what you have decided. But I do agree that not having a reason for your infertility is not the same as being fertile. It is coming to terms with this that is the hard bit, IMHO, because you will hear of amazing stories where people get pregnant unexpectedly and someone who was hoong that would happen to them would not be able to focus on preparing to welcome a child into their heart by adoption, (NOT saying this is you, just saying this is what the social workers want you to have finished with trying to conceive).
All the very best Jessie1981.
PS I second what Kristina said - strange that you would be told 'it'll happen when it happens'. For us, after 6 months of TTC (with ovulation predictors ie TSI) you can get a referral to a fertility clinic. After 7 years of TTC, it may be unexplained but it's infertility!
I live in Ireland so it may be different but for us, our social worker wanted a commitment from us that we were no longer TTC. We also had unexplained unfertility but we did go down the assisted conception route. We had to get a letter from our clinic to say what treatments we'd had and confirming that we had finished with all treatment.
I had a really hard time coming to terms with not having another bio child and went to counselling about it. The social worker saw that as a very positive thing, that I had grieved the 'loss' of the bio child I wouldn't have before we adopted so that we didn't bring that grief into the relationship with our adopted child. I'd imagine that your LA, or whoever is assessing you, would need to be reassured that you had dealt with your sadness about not having a bio child.
Best of luck to you on your journey.
I'm nt sure if you woudl be considered " technically fertile" , if you have been TTC for 7 years. Isn't that unexplained infertility?
I see that you don't want to go for IVF, but have you considered other treatments such as clomid or IUI? I'm a bit confused why you've been told " to just wait and see if it happens " aftre 7 years . This is quite an unusual approach in an assisted conception unit. Do you live in the UK ?
You will be considered for adoption.
Be aware though, that the social workers will expect you to have stopped TTC and to have began to come to terms with not being able to have biological children.
I have known people to be deferred for six months or so, because the SW think they need more time.
You have nothing to lose by applying.
All the very best for you.
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