Interesting thing about adoption on the internet - how an adopted child feels

(19 Posts)

Hi all

I was trying to find that really interesting story on the Internet about how an adopted child feels.

The one where they compared being adopted to being married and the having a new husband and not knowing what was going on, but the guy knew you liked your coffee black etc! If anyone read it they would know what I meant, it was a USA site that it was posted on.

Anyway, I wonder if anyone can tell me it, please?

While looking I found this. I have not read it all but I am just very touched by this man's story and the way he tells it. I know it is USA and it was a long ago (his adoption) but he seems to say a lot of things very well.

billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/On-Being-Adopted-My-Reflections

gallivantsaregood Wed 23-Jan-13 08:56:27

You beat me to it Italian :-D

It was an interesting article and video but it made me sad that he - and he maintains all adopted children - felt like a cuckoo in the nest growing up. I wonder is it inevitable? Or can we help our children not to feel that way? Or do we just have to help them cope with that feeling?

* Happyasapiginshite* I don't remember him saying 'cuckoo'. (I could be wrong.)

He seemed to really love his parents and he seemed to be saying (coming as he was from an era when some adopted children were not told they were adopted) that he knew he was different from the rest of the family.

I did not feel he was saying it in a negative way. I think (I could be wrong) that he knew he was different so if his parents had not told him he was adopted then he would still have known he was not one of them biologically (he seemed to stress this, which to me means he was not biologically the same).

To me doesn't implie he was not one of them in terms of love/care etc.

So had his adoptive parents not told him he still would have known that something was different but perhaps not what!

It seems maybe to us, when people are so much more open, that anyone would try and hide adoption from kids would be crazy, but I am sure people did in the past.

I also think the fact he went on to adopt as an adult means he feels very positive about adoption, just also about being honest with it.

I did wonder if posting it might upset anyone so I do hope it has not upset you.

The www.a4everfamily.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=53&Itemid=77 story has made me understand more about how an adoptive child feels than anything else I have seen or read so far.

I think it should be compulsory reading for everyone who thinks adopted children are 'lucky'! I never used to understand why adoptive parents got so 'touchy' (apologies) when people said adopted children wee 'lucky'.

I now understand a bit more!

Italian, they were my words, not his. And I understood it too that he'd had a happy upbringing with his family. I just felt sad that he felt different. I don't want dd to feel different. Whoops back soon, baby awake

orangeandlemons Thu 24-Jan-13 15:09:21

I'm adopted. I felt different but never ever in a bad way.

Orangesandlemons that is such a lovely and encouraging thing to know.

Happy Different isn't always bad. I was like my dad and my sis was like my Mum. My dear dad is now dead, and so sometimes I feel out of place with mum and sis. No one was adopted but I still feel different from them. I know it NOT the same, but I guess what I mean is different isn't necessarily 'wrong'. Anyway, that was only that guy's opinion, it may not be the same for all adopted children.

I'm glad to hear that oranges. I suppose I understand that different isn't always bad, and I suppose I accept that dd will feel different and is different, I just don't want life to be any harder for her than it has to be. I have form for this though - my lovely French neighbour once said to me 'You cannot take the thorn out of every rose for that child' (this was about my son who I worried and fretted about non stop as a toddler because he was so clingy to me.... long story). It's a great phrase though and it made me stop and think about how I was parenting ie helicopter parenting smile

I think I'm trying to de-thorn dd's roses now. And I know that I can't take away everything hard for her.

What's helicopter parenting? Sounds fast!

I would agree, you can't take things away but maybe you can (and I know you will) prepare her for life so that she feels the differences in a good way and feels the similarities in a good way too. She is one of you, she is a Happy family member, but she also has her own past which if different to DS and maybe this will give her other things, good and bad.

Maybe you will enable her to smell the perfume from the rose rather than trying to remove the thorns, or at the very least to put on some gardening gloves.....

blessings to you and all the happy family.

bluecheesedip Sat 26-Jan-13 00:11:27

I was adopted and I can't say that I have ever felt anything other than secure, wanted and lucky. Lucky just for the fact that I have a wonderful family and had a happy childhood (and adulthood too!) I was however, adopted from birth so maybe that's why I don't recognise the feelings described in the links above? Sorry I'm now thinking that's possibly not very helpful?!

bluecheesedip that's very helpful. It is good to know you had such a wonderful upbringing and of course everyone's experience is valid and interesting.

It would be good to know how people who are adopted at different stages feel.

I think the link to the guy talking is just that, one guy talking, he can't speak for everyone.

It's just be helpful to know how people feel and to try and learn from each other. I'd be interested to know what you felt your parents did really well but that might be a bit rude to ask on a first 'meeting'. No need to reply if you don't want to, or PM me,

Thanks.

bluecheesedip Sat 26-Jan-13 10:38:16

Not rude at all - possibly hard to answer however.. but I'll give it a go smile.

Most importantly, I knew for as long as I can remember that I was adopted with the emphasis on 'was'. I think that's quite important actually - that it was part of the past and not something that should constantly 'define' me in the present...

Also, like most children I suppose, I loved hearing about 'the day I was born' - and I felt very sure that I was 'born' to my parents (I would never refer to them as my adoptive parents for example - for me that would be weird) that it was meant to be, inevitable, fate....? (sorry, am kind of freestyling here, so hope I'm makign sense!)

Weirdly, my 8 year old said something to me recently which resonated. As he was drifting off to sleep one night and saying all the cute things 8 year olds say when they're in a good mood and feeling loving he announced 'well, if you hadn't been my mummy then I would have walked all over the earth to find you because you ARE my mummy'. I should say he was not adopted and he doesn't know that I was (something else I'm mulling over atm) so maybe there's something to my crazy fate idea?! grin

There's more but think I've rambled on enough for now!

bluecheese, thanks so much for that reply. I totally agree with you about the adoption being part of my dd's history and not her most interesting feature. I've (gently) corrected people who have said 'X is adopted' by saying ' Well, she was adopted last December. Now she's just X.'

You son's comment is just gorgeous. And it's exactly how I feel about dd. Someone who has a dd who came from China told me about this proverb:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_string_of_fate
This is how I feel. She was meant to be ours and we were meant to be hers.

italian, I love the way your mind works. I love what you said about teaching dd to smell the rose and not focus too much on the thorns because there's not a thing we can do about them only navigate around them. Love it. Thank you.

This is a better way of describing the Chinese Proverb.
An invisible red thread connects those destined to meet, despite the time, the place, and despite the circumstances. The thread can be tightened or tangle, but will never be broken. ~ Chinese Proverb

bluecheesedip Sat 26-Jan-13 21:26:38

happy thank you. That's a beautiful way of putting it. This is how I feel too - I was meant to be theirs in the same way my dc were meant to be mine. Doesn't matter how you make the journey - as long as you get there!

bluecheesedip Sat 26-Jan-13 21:32:46

oh and I don't know your story or if it's this past December but congratulations regardless on the arrival of your DD! [smile}

Bluecheese, we're just over a year home now. Long enough to be totally in love with each other but noone's taking anyone for granted either ;-)

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